wild_urge Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Since our last visit, everything was going very well, until we started arguing a lot this week, about everything, it's because we have very different opinions. So we argued quite a lot, then I would get very upset, he would feel bad, but I mean the arguing didn't get that much in the way, we both know that this shouldn't affect our love and we'll just have to figure out a way to compromise. This morning before I want to work I spoke to him on Skype for about 20min. I have wanted to bring it up earlier, but I knew he wouldn't be happy. I asked him what his plans are for when he graduates in 3-4 months. And the answer, you can imagine is not what I wanted to hear. He said he plans to go back to his mother to start working to save some money and THEN to come to me in Canada. I knew this was coming; he's not talking about it because he knew I would go crazy. Of course, I asked him long is this working going to last. And why does he think that he can make more money there than here in Canada, which I believe he can't. Then, he said he has a loan to pay and that he has no money at all and he can't even by the ticket. I tried explaining my perspective, but he wouldn't let me and I really had to go. The thing is that, if I do go as planned to see him during the summer it's going to cost me about 3000$, half it has to go for a plane ticket. I'd rather spend the money on a ticket so he can come here and so we could have some of it to spend for the first few months until he finds a job. Ok, but he refuses to come and live with my parents for a couple of month until he has a job. We have done it before and it wasn't that fun and yes my mother gets very annoying sometimes, but she treats him really nicely. He wants to come here and right away we move on our own, well, if we had the money, but we don't and I don't see how if he stays there will be able to pay off the loan and save up money for rent and plain ticket and all the rest, not at least for a few years. I can't do the long distance for so long, we can't do it. Since I came back almost a month ago, I have been working like crazy, I haven't had a single day off since, I haven't had any time to study for school. I can't go and visit him twice a year that is so much money. I know that he is concerned, because he's mother won't let go easily and she is alone and he wants to take care of her and also his grandparents are old now and since all his cousins are here and his sister as well there is no one there to help out, but I mean, if he stays there, they are not getting any younger, how is going to leave after another year or two? And also, to come here he should probably get a visa for 6 months and then I don't know how it works I think that if he finds a job they can let him stay here or we can get married and he says that he wants to be with me and get married, but I sense that that is not the way he want it to be done. I don't know how to convince him, he's not online now, so we won't be able to talk until tomorrow or the day after. Doesn't what I'm saying make sense? I hate being away from him, soon it will be a year a half of LD. Couples need intimacy, physical contact, I think that it's only going to get tougher and tougher, I need him, doesn't that mean anything? He thinks that I'm just crazy about getting married and that I want to leave my parents house. I really don't know what to do Any ideas ?
folieadeux Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 I hate to say it, but it sounds like both of you are in completely different stages of your life right now. You have the means for visits and make your relationship a top priority whereas he doesn't and has other obligations that come first (in his opinion). You can't be in an LDR forever; the point is to eventually put an end to the distance. At the rate he's going, it doesn't sound like this is something he's working towards. How do you fix this? I don't think you can. If he alters his course, I fear that it will only make things worse and/or lead to resentment in the long run. The fact that he already told you he will put his family issues and other things before your relationship speaks volumes. If he's doing this now, it'll probably always be this way. As you know, LDRs take an incredible amount of dedication and resources to make visits happen on both sides. If you both aren't willing or able to make sacrifices, it just won't work. I won't say who is right or wrong because it's just not relevant -- he was honest with you in telling you that's how it's most likely going to be. You just have to decide if this is worth pursuing given what you already know.
Author wild_urge Posted February 14, 2011 Author Posted February 14, 2011 The thing is, I have no choice, I am in love with him and he is the one, it's not about choice, I have no power over my heart anymore. I think that if we talk it over the next few days he might consider what I have to say. I am sure that he feels really bad about the fact that he has no money at that point and I believe that he would think differently if he didn't have to depend on his mother. I don't know, I wish we could talk about it right now, I'm going crazy right. . .
folieadeux Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 The thing is, I have no choice, I am in love with him and he is the one, it's not about choice, I have no power over my heart anymore. I think that if we talk it over the next few days he might consider what I have to say. I am sure that he feels really bad about the fact that he has no money at that point and I believe that he would think differently if he didn't have to depend on his mother. I don't know, I wish we could talk about it right now, I'm going crazy right. . . You always have a choice. I get that you love him and that you've dedicated yourself to this and that it would be beyond devastating if anything bad were to happen, but there's always a choice. Never give anyone that much power in saying that you don't have one. Nothing is worth sacrificing your personal happiness over and what you want to do in life. You're not going crazy; it's only natural to want answers to these life altering questions and even more frustrating because you're not able to talk to him about it when you want to.
heartshaped Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 Would it be possible for you to go there instead? Have the two of you decided on which person would be moving to close the distance? I can understand if he has family and they are getting up in age how he would feel responsible for them especially as there isn't anyone else there to look after them. It's a while before my SO and I get to that point, but we've already discussed that we'll do whatever is necessary to see to both of our parents and grandparents. I just think you need to have a talk with your SO about when he sees the two of you closing the distance and just be honest with him and tell him all that you've said here. I don't think you are asking/thinking anything unreasonable.
Author wild_urge Posted February 14, 2011 Author Posted February 14, 2011 folieadeux, I want to have his kids. I have committed to him in ways that cannot be undone I believe . . . heartshaped, the thing is that I just applied to university here, I have told him before that I would move to him if I have to, but we agreed recently, that here is more suitable, it will be easier in many ways, plus he has family here also. Will talk I guess, I just don’t want have to say goodbye to him at the airport again.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 hi wild urge, you said your bf wants to work on a compromise, right? for situations like this, you have to put your emotions on the side for you to think of a clear solution. i also want to have kids like you and my fiance and I discussed this even before we agreed to have a relationship and see if this LDR will work out. it's important to tell him what you want and see yourselves for the next couple of years, ask him how he sees the relationship in the same timeframe...then see if you can work out on a compromise. i can see where he's coming from as well, but you have to both agree with the solution. how about let him pay off the loan and the money that you are supposed to use to visit him, save it so once he is ready he can use it to buy plane ticket. then save for your future mutual funds together. i know that is not what you want to hear, you two can always come up with plan B. my fiance also hurriedly wants to be with me, and of course I do. it will also take us about 6 months or more to really be together but if that fails we have a backup plan of seeing each other halfway. LDR can be devastating if you don't have a fallback plan.
HeavenOrHell Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 R/ships don't always work out even when they are/were the love of your life, no matter how much you want them to, I thought nothing could/would come between me and my ex after 18 years but it did, nothing is set in stone unfortunately I hope things can be sorted, but it does sound like you are on different pages right now. I have about 2 years before my partner moves closer, hopefully a bit less, but only been together 10 months, so it's early days still. You do need some sort of time scale from him as to when he will live closer to you/with you, otherwise it seems endless. Could you cope with another year (or two) if you knew for sure you'd be together then? A year isn't much really if you're going to spend the rest of your lives together, assuming you're not in your 70's or 80's folieadeux, I want to have his kids. I have committed to him in ways that cannot be undone I believe . . . heartshaped, the thing is that I just applied to university here, I have told him before that I would move to him if I have to, but we agreed recently, that here is more suitable, it will be easier in many ways, plus he has family here also. Will talk I guess, I just don’t want have to say goodbye to him at the airport again.
Author wild_urge Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 Ok, so we talked about it today ( we did spend 3h together on Skype yesterday, but I didn't want to get too emotional and ruin the day ). I told him what I think and he was more considerate, he said that my plan isn't that bad, so I think that we are making progress. He tells me that he really wants us to be together as soon as possible, but he is concerned about his mother. I suppose that he feels that he'll disappoint her in leaving her and she really has done a lot for him, she non-stop, very often she comes home after midnight and also works on weekends often and she is all alone, so it makes sense and I understand him, but I do think that it is better even for her to do it now. The sooner that he gets a stable job here, he can start paying back the loan and she can visit us as opposed to if he stays there another year or two and the he comes here, she'll be heartbroken anyway. So, I'll let him think about it and get used to the idea and will see. And yes, if I have to wait more I will, as I said I am committed to being with him But it would really get harder . . .
TokyoG33kyGal Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 that's a good thing that your boyfriend is open about your ideas. i can relate to the mom situation. my mom has been clingy to me every since i told her that i might get married soon. and my fiance's dad as well. hope things work out for you.
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