prettybaby Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 So, I don't know what to do. I love my boyfriend's parents, but his brother & family are a whole different story. The brother's son is having his catholic confirmation in May, which is going to be a major event apparently. Everyone is invited and the whole thing is gonna last one whole day, starting at 10am or something and ending somewhere in the early evening. I'm expected to go. But just thinking about it gives me cramps and headaches. The stress is already overhwelming and it's still 3 months away ... I can't imagine how I'll feel being stuck there the whole day. If it was up to me, I wouldn't go. I don't care to see them and I don't care to celebrate. The kid doesn't care anyway, he only does it for the presents and money, so whatever. But I don't want to leave my boyfriend hanging. He says he can't back out of it and has no choice but to go. He also made it clear that he would be really sad if I didn't go and he had to go alone. What should I do? I guess our relationship is my priority. But I don't know if I should just put my foot down and say I'm not going, or make sacrifices and go anyway? I feel so torn about this. Blahhh I know that if I don't go, it will be a clear statement and it won't go unnoticed.
Jazzari Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 If there are alot of people there, would it be possible to avoid those you dislike for the most part? Or could your bf provide a buffer?
Nexus One Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 What sacrifices would you be making if you would go? What exactly is the dynamic between you and the family members you don't like?
Citizen Erased Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 You seem to be the only one fuelling drama. Your attitude stinks. We all have to deal with people we don't like. It's your bf's family, you will be required to see them. You seem so insistent on disliking people that I have to wonder why he would continue to put up with your attitude. FYI, a Catholic confirmation is more to people than money and presents. You'd see that if you weren't so insistent on seeing the bad in what they do.
Author prettybaby Posted February 13, 2011 Author Posted February 13, 2011 I won't be able to avoid them at all. Since I'm his girlfriend, our seats will be assigned right in the middle of them. It's a strange setup. We'll basically be going to 5 restaurants. First one for a drink and appetizers, second one for first course, third one for main course, etc. This crazy restaurant hopping is enough to not make me wanna go lol And no, my boyfriend will be zero buffer lol! He actually offered this himself yesterday though. He said "well, if you go, I'll stick with you the whole time". I was like no you won't. The kids will be all over him, then he'll eventually get up and go play with them. And I'll be sitting there like okay ... I've tried joining them before, which was going alright until the little girl started acting really evil towards me. So now that's not even an option anymore. That being said, I can't ask my boyfriend not to play with his nephew and niece. That would be wrong. I'm really in the worst position basically.
Author prettybaby Posted February 13, 2011 Author Posted February 13, 2011 You seem to be the only one fuelling drama. Your attitude stinks. We all have to deal with people we don't like. It's your bf's family, you will be required to see them. You seem so insistent on disliking people that I have to wonder why he would continue to put up with your attitude. FYI, a Catholic confirmation is more to people than money and presents. You'd see that if you weren't so insistent on seeing the bad in what they do. You're so wrong about me. But oh well, it's a message board. I've been very nice and patient for over 2 years now. I've never said or done anything to them. I've been consistently polite and easy going. It started out bad and only got worse without me fuelling anything. I've only recently started thinking about not joining certain events, because I just can't deal with this stress anymore and because I actually don't want any drama. And trust me, the kid doesn't care about his confirmation lol He told me himself.
Jazzari Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Maybe its time to confront the issue? Perhaps a family meeting of some sort and see if something can be worked out? You love the parents - maybe they can be of help?
Author prettybaby Posted February 13, 2011 Author Posted February 13, 2011 Maybe its time to confront the issue? Perhaps a family meeting of some sort and see if something can be worked out? You love the parents - maybe they can be of help? I thought about that. But I think that would cause more drama than actually solve anything. I know the parents would ask why I'm not there, and they would probably guess why. But in that case, I would have dinner with them the next weekend or the weekend prior to that, so we can have a nice chat about it. I just don't know what to think anymore. I know my anxiety about it all is justified. My friends and family already commented on how I've put up with a lot already, and even my boyfriend thanked me for staying so calm in certain situations. But I don't know if I should keep sucking it up or not. Part of me wants to make a bold statement by not going so they'll see I don't just blindly go and put up with stuff. But then on the other hand, I don't want to give the impression that my boyfriend and I are not a solid couple, and I don't want to leave him hanging. It's a tough call. I'm also thinking about the future, and the place I want to have in this family. And I'm thinking if we ever have children, I'm not sure yet if I want to bring them in this situation or not. I mean, I'm truly hesitating. They ARE family after all. So I don't know. I'm also overthinking my next moves at the moment because I know I'm at this stage of our relationship where my next moves will determine the future dynamics between them and me. I've seen it happen before in my own family, and I don't want to be the doormat people just expect to always be there and be polite no matter how much they walk over it. But then I don't want to be an outsider either. So that's the dilemma I'm facing.
Jazzari Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 I would at least talk to your bf and his parents all together. Who knows? Maybe with you all brainstorming, you might come up with a solution. At the very least, they will understand why you aren't there if that is what you choose to do. And your bf won't be put in an awkward position of having to explain your absence to them at the event. One thing that bothers me - if you say it won't go unnoticed....will this all fall on your bf's head at the event? Will his brother call him out on it? How badly will your absence affect him?
lenny Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 Why not go to the service with the bf and skip out on the rest of the activities? It would be respectful to attend and these could potentially be your future family too. I'm guessing the family will know the reason you're skipping out on the rest of the activities so maybe that will be a good enough message that you won't put up with this. If the bf leaves as well, that would be a message he's supporting you in this. Afterwords I would think it would be up to the bf to talk to his family and state that he has chosen you to be in his life and he's not willing to have you put in a hostile environment so they don't need to like you but they do need to accept you and not make you feel unwelcome. By not going altogether you may be adding more fuel to the fire in an already tenuous relationship.
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