DP63 Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Dday was 3 Jan 2011. When I finally let my suspicions be known she said "I can't say I didn't have sex with him". To which I replied that must mean you did. She claimed it was a drunken ONS. Last weekend I had a revenge affair. I told her everything. 100% honest. I answered all her questions with brutal honesty. On Friday she finally appeared to start to open up and tell the truth. She asked if our marriage would survive if she told the truth. I said it could not survive if she didn't. So what she said was a drunken ONS along with an EA turned out to an EA along with a full blown 10 month affair (I had suspected even longer and probably should have addressed this long ago) followed by a long distance EA. On Saturday I found evidence that the affair went on for over two years. She denied it until I presented the evidence to her. She further confessed that she had been encouraging him to get a better paying job and then she was planning to leave me for the OM. Why? For the weather and laid back lifestyle or so she claims. Even after we left Trinidad, she pursued him from afar for at least 7 months until he cheated on her. Now she claims she wants to stay with me and work on the marriage. I'm not sure we can make it what with her lies and deception and the fact that I was her second choice. Any thoughts?
YellowShark Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 On Saturday I found evidence that the affair went on for over two years. She denied it until I presented the evidence to her.... Now she claims she wants to stay with me and work on the marriage.... Any thoughts? So she lied to you for 2 years and now that the OM dumped her she wants you to pick up the pieces and fix things between you two. Wow. She has some nerve. She must think you are a real idiot. Here's some perspective. If a friend told you that his wife was cheating on him for 2 years and got dumped by the OM and only then she wanted back what would you advise him to do? That's your answer DP63.
Iconoclast Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Well the revenge affair was a pretty bad idea. You lost the moral high ground. But i'd never get over this - "and the fact that I was her second choice", - which in this case, seems to be true. I'd gracefully and tactfully move on.
Binster Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 If you dont have kids it's a straight decision- bail. Sorry mate.
Author DP63 Posted February 13, 2011 Author Posted February 13, 2011 If you dont have kids it's a straight decision- bail. Sorry mate. I agree. However we have a 7 year old boy. We are also on an expat assignment and won't be back in the UK until summer. That will probably complicate things, for me anyway - she might well be sent back well before then.
YellowShark Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 I agree. However we have a 7 year old boy. We are also on an expat assignment and won't be back in the UK until summer. That will probably complicate things, for me anyway - she might well be sent back well before then. So then the question is do you want to make her a priority now when for the past two years she obviously only saw you as an option. And can you ever trust her again now that you know she is not a trustworthy emotional and financial partner in life. I feel terrible for your innocent son who is caught up in this drama which his mother has created.
Author DP63 Posted February 13, 2011 Author Posted February 13, 2011 Well the revenge affair was a pretty bad idea. You lost the moral high ground. But i'd never get over this - "and the fact that I was her second choice", - which in this case, seems to be true. I'd gracefully and tactfully move on. I regretted the revenge affair terribly. I was completely torn up by it and hated the fact that I lost the moral high ground. But after last night's revelations I have no feeling toward the revenge affair at all except it would have been better to have maintained the moral high ground.
Spacecase78 Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 Sounds like she's not regretting her mistakes, short of not having a man to support in the end. Keep in mind, had things worked out with the other guy differently, she would have bailed. While having a kid is hard, it's not any healthier having them in an unhappy home. If you have to wait a few months for the expat thing, then do so, but don't make her any promises and prepare to bail when you get the chance.
Author DP63 Posted February 14, 2011 Author Posted February 14, 2011 I'm not sure what to believe anymore. She says that the whole issue about leaving me is not true. She says she made that up to hurt me as I had told her that I thought we should probably go our separate ways after I had uncovered that she had lied about the length of the affair. I don't know if I should believe that or not as she also claims that she did not want the truth to come out or at least to minimize the apparent duration of the affair and the frequency of the trysts so I wouldn't be as hurt. She is clearly upset; she has come out in blotches, has the shakes at times and has shaved her head as a sign of an adulteress. Is that because she wants this to work and fears losing me? Or is it because she is scared of the ramifications of a divorce?
Spacecase78 Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 No offense, and this is coming from a female, but she sounds like a pathological liar who's taking you for a ride. She lied to you multiple times about the affair, only confessing to the real truth (for all we know) after you showed her facts. Of course she's upset, because she knows she's going to not have the male support that's she's after. I wouldn't say she fears losing you (again no offense!), but more the security. Again, I think if that other guy hadn't slept with someone else and offered, she'd have gone for it. There's "oh, I made a one-time mistake" and then there's 2 years of mistakes. If she lied that well and for that long, what's to stop her from doing it again and what else is she hiding? Above all, do you really think that you can move on it from it and move beyond her infidelity enough to make it work, or will you always mistrust? I for one can say forgiveness isn't easy and if you don't forgive a cheater, you're going to be miserable for years to come.
seibert253 Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I can only speak for me and give you my point of view, since each of our situations are different. When I gave my FWW my "expectations" from her in order to R, one of them was a one time amnesty, and total and complete honesty. I made it clear that if later on I found she "forgot things", or was not completely honest on the One and Only chance she had to come clean, immediate S and headed straight to D. So thankfully I never experienced TT. I got a compete essay and timeline on everything that occurred. Actually included things I had no clue about. If I were in your shoes, out the door she goes.
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