jpf Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 I've been dating a girl for a month, who I met online. Since we've been dating, I've felt tremendous resistance from her. She does not initiate contact with me, she rarely looks at my eyes, or holds my hand or kisses me. She never initiates a phone call or text message. I'm the one that sends her "good morning" and "how are you doing" messages. I'm the one that holds her hand or kisses her. If I don't do this, she will not engage for an entire evening. We have not yet had sex, or have even touched each other in any sexual way. The other night, I tried to slowly seduce her, but she was quite hesitant and pulled away. I respected that, and said to her "you know, I haven't even touched you". Without explaining anything, she responded "I know". I got up and excused myself to go to the bathroom to gather my thoughts. When I returned, I said to her very calmly "listen, if you rather that we be friends, I'm ok with that. I can handle that. Or we can also just see other people, and keep seeing each other and see if anything moves forward." She replied "I don't know what I want right now" and proceeded to tell me about her last relationship that she had, and how her father abused her emotionally and told her that she was no good, etc. Her last relationship, the guy put her on a pedestal and I think she must have thrived off of that. The poor girl just completed a nasty 2 year divorce. On top of that, she just left a job where she was working with her ex-boyfriend of 1 year. They had dated for a year (shortly after she separated her husband) and then broke up and worked in the SAME job during a whole year. She was the one with the broken heart from this relationship, meaning that he probably dumped her. Conclusion is that it is apparent that she is probably not ready for a new relationship, but does want to take things slowly. She definitely has some major intimacy issues currently. I feel for her, but it's very difficult for me to be strong for the both of us, but I am willing to try to be as understanding and supportive as I humanly can. I am willing to take things slowly with her, because she's definitely worth it. Last night we went out, and for the first time we introduced our kids to each other, I felt this was a big step for me, and for her. This is the first time that I introduce my daughter to someone significant in my life. When we were getting ice cream, she came back from inside when I was sitting down and came from behind and put her hands on my shoulders, softly rubbing them, I grabbed her hands to hold them. Believe it or not, this was the first time she has initiated some sort of touch with me. I felt like it was a step in the right direction. It felt great. Like I said, slow steps. Has anyone here dealt with similar intimacy issues, or something similar like this? 1) Should I communicate with her that I like it when she engages me, and that I would like for her to feel comfortable to keep doing this? Or would this make someone with intimacy issues for more uncomfortable? I was thinking of approaching it in this way "You know, I like it when you initiate any type of affection with me, and I'm opening the doors for you to feel comfortable to do so, whenever you want." 2) On the other hand, I get the feeling that the more I back off from her, the more she might pursue me. For example, if I don't text her for a day, she will be all excited to hear from me. I once heard a quote "We pursue that which retreats from us." Opposite to question 1, should I instead give her space, retreat, and allow her to approach me at her own pace (given the intimacy issues previously mentioned)? Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this and for any answers you can provide.
waynebrady Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 I didn't read the whole post. I only read the first paragraph. But trust me, don't worry. All women are like that, well virtually all anyway. What you are describing is the norm, not the exception.
carhill Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 OP, here are my 'project triggers', utilizing quotes from your text.... "I don't know what I want right now" <She> tell me about her last relationship that she had, and how her father abused her emotionally and told her that she was no good, etc. Her last relationship, the guy put her on a pedestal The poor girl just completed a nasty 2 year divorce. She just left a job where she was working with her ex-boyfriend of 1 year. They had dated for a year (shortly after she separated her husband) and then broke up and worked in the SAME job during a whole year. She was the one with the broken heart from this relationship Here's an important program note: She voluntarily shared all of this with you and none of it is easily verifiable independently. Interesting how she is apparently completely open with you emotionally about all this heartbreak but offers little or no sympathy or affection to you, nor shows a propensity to accept any you offer. When small signs of affection are shown, your reaction is, appropriately, substantial, because of the dearth of anything prior. IMO, you're way ahead of her in your investment; this is typical of project dynamics. Will she respond and validate your love, patience and compassion? Unknown. At your age, perhaps taking it slow will work for you and her. Personally, I have no further interest in projects. I've done enough chasing the nebula for one life. Good luck
january2011 Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 (edited) I was in a similarish situation but in the shoes of the girl you're dating. Looking back, I wasn't ready to be in a relationship. I was still pretty traumatised and emotionally unavailable. Occasionally, I do wonder if things would have been different if he didn't walk away. I'm not sure, is the answer to that question. She is showing signs of coming out of her shell. You can give her more time but yes, there is no guarantee that your investment will pay off in the way that you hope. I suggest not playing games with communication - I don't think making her more insecure is the way to go and certainly didn't work with me. When she engages you, there's no need to point it out or make a big deal of it. Just smile and say something short and to the point, such as "that feels good" or "I like it when you do that." But no big speeches. Eventually these small steps will lead to bigger steps. If you have the patience for it, you may well be rewarded with a great relationship. If you don't, then you could walk away. It's your life and you know yourself and her best. Edited February 14, 2011 by january2011
Author jpf Posted February 14, 2011 Author Posted February 14, 2011 Thanks for your reply. This helps. I like what you said about keeping statements short, and no big conversations. I tend to be too wordy and I guess that can freak people out sometimes. Again, thanks.
Recommended Posts