Lilmisus Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 So, for the past couple of months my boyfriend have been having a few issues. Actually, it's the same issue every time. He doesn't call (he has no phone btw), I get mad and hurt, he apologizes, etc. Two weeks ago, I told him how I felt about it, and that he should never do it to me, ever again, no matter what. He said, he heard me loud and clear, and never would, and said he was truly sorry. Fast forward to today, he did it again, but for a very understandable reason this time. His life has been turned absolutely upside down with multiple things, like his sister getting arrested and is looking at 15 to life in prison along with her boyfriend, his parents having to take custody of his niece, they're fighting with DSS, his best friend who he thought he'd lost is back, and he's just a mess right now. When I first saw him after not seeing him for two weeks, it hurt because of how bad he looked. I felt bad for him, and his entire family. My friend and a few others convinced me though that I really need to be mad and put my foot down and just plain move on, and so anger slowly but surely built up within me, and got stronger the longer I had to wait to hear from him again. So, two nights ago at work (we work together, at a restaurant) I told him I was mad, and he said he was sorry but it wasn't his fault only partially. I told him that was a bunch of crap, and that it was all his fault, and he'd have to really do better than an apology this time for doing the same thing to me again. But we kissed, and joked around even though I was still pretty mad, and he left after saying he would. Last night, I was still mad, and wouldn't even look or talk to him till the end of the night. We went outside and talked about things, and according to him he didn't even realize why I was mad (he thought it was for something completely different). I told him, and he said that he felt horrible for it, and that I had every right to be mad at him, and to hate him. He said that if he was me, he'd hate himself for it too. According to him, he does hate himself for the way he's been treating me, and said I really don't deserve it or even should have to be as understanding as I have been. I told him I never could hate him, which is the truth, and he said that's what lots of past girlfriends have said, and they all hate his guts now. He told me that he wasn't meant for relationships, and that he always screws them up, and I could tell that he was preparing both of us for the break up by saying that. Although I was fully intending in breaking up with him, I realized that I really wasn't ready to let go of him just yet, even though it seemed like he was ready to throw in the towel. I asked him if he was willing to make it up to me or not, and that I wanted him to, and he said yes, and made a date for Tuesday. We ended the conversation with our typical jokes and on a positive note and a nice kiss. I'm just wondering if I'm being dumb for trying to keep our relationship alive still after he's screwed up (the same way each time) so many times? Although I've refused to tell him I loved him in the eight months we've been together due to personal issues, I know without a doubt I do. He's openly told me quite a few times that he was in love with me, but this is causing me to doubt whether he really does (and also is a factor in my not telling him I love him yet). So should I just say "screw him" and hate him like he says I should, or give him the one last chance that I'm deciding on giving him?
Lauriebell82 Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 I'm not quite understanding. You are upset that you doesn't call and put all this blame on him, but he doesn't have a phone and has been dealing with very serious family issues? Is there more to this story? Something isn't adding up here...
Author Lilmisus Posted February 13, 2011 Author Posted February 13, 2011 Sorry, for clarification: He doesn't have a phone currently, he used to, but right now he uses his dad's phone (who lives next door to him) or their internet to get on Facebook. I know that they're very willing to let him do this, since he's used this means of communication multiple times. It's just more of a choosing to ask them about it, or getting online that bothers me. That he doesn't try to get in touch with me. The family issue is that he lived with his sister and her boyfriend until they were forced to move out (they aren't allowed around her daughter any more) and it's caused a lot of stress for him. Which I understand, it's why I wasn't originally going to be mad at him for this. But after talking to people they convinced me that if he truly cared, truly wanted me in his life, then he'd want to call me, talk to me, and wouldn't hurt me like he know he does. I realized that they were right, and by continually doing the same thing he wasn't showing he really cared. There isn't much more to the story, it's basically been the same thing for the past two months (this was the third time I've gotten mad at him for this) but besides this, he treats me very well in our relationship, or as well as he's able to, financially and otherwise.
Jazzari Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 (edited) Never mind Edited February 13, 2011 by Jazzari
Lauriebell82 Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Sorry, for clarification: He doesn't have a phone currently, he used to, but right now he uses his dad's phone (who lives next door to him) or their internet to get on Facebook. I know that they're very willing to let him do this, since he's used this means of communication multiple times. It's just more of a choosing to ask them about it, or getting online that bothers me. That he doesn't try to get in touch with me. The family issue is that he lived with his sister and her boyfriend until they were forced to move out (they aren't allowed around her daughter any more) and it's caused a lot of stress for him. Which I understand, it's why I wasn't originally going to be mad at him for this. But after talking to people they convinced me that if he truly cared, truly wanted me in his life, then he'd want to call me, talk to me, and wouldn't hurt me like he know he does. I realized that they were right, and by continually doing the same thing he wasn't showing he really cared. There isn't much more to the story, it's basically been the same thing for the past two months (this was the third time I've gotten mad at him for this) but besides this, he treats me very well in our relationship, or as well as he's able to, financially and otherwise. Okay, thank you for being more specific. So it seems like you are letting others influence you, in my experience that's a HUGE mistake. Only you are the one who REALLY knows your relationship. Now, how long will he go without talking to you? Some men in relationships just want a casual thing where there isn't that much calling/facebook messaging, texting. They need/want space and don't want to have a clingy girlfriend. You have also said that he has done this in previous relationships, therefore it makes me think that it's not just you. I personally would hate being in a relationship where my partner went periods of time wtihout talking to me, and it sounds like you are the same way. So you have to decide if you can put up with this long term. He's probably not going to change.
Author Lilmisus Posted February 14, 2011 Author Posted February 14, 2011 Okay, thank you for being more specific. So it seems like you are letting others influence you, in my experience that's a HUGE mistake. Only you are the one who REALLY knows your relationship. Now, how long will he go without talking to you? Some men in relationships just want a casual thing where there isn't that much calling/facebook messaging, texting. They need/want space and don't want to have a clingy girlfriend. You have also said that he has done this in previous relationships, therefore it makes me think that it's not just you. I personally would hate being in a relationship where my partner went periods of time wtihout talking to me, and it sounds like you are the same way. So you have to decide if you can put up with this long term. He's probably not going to change. Well what happened was my best friend gave me a five minute "lecture" almost telling me all these things a good boyfriend would do, and what a guy who wasn't into you would do. It hurt, hearing her say some of the things I was thinking, and it made me realize that I deserved better. So you're right, I hate waiting a long time to hear from him, and it drives me crazy. It used to be a day or two (I used to hate even not seeing/talking to him for one day) then it went to three, and that pretty much stayed the regular time I'd go without hearing from him. The longest was 2 and half weeks (which was only a few weeks ago, and what I told him to never do to me again) and I understood his reason then too, same with the 1 and a half weeks that he didn't talk to me a few weeks prior to that. So the waiting multiple weeks to hear from him just started two months ago, and our relationship has gone downhill since then. And about him doing it before, I really don't know if that's what he was talking about. It'd make me more comfortable if it was, but when I asked what he meant, he just said "they always hate me." After talking and spending time with him tonight though, things are a bit better, and I'm trying to move past this. One friend suggested he's testing to see how much he can get away with before I break up with him. Do guys really do that? Or anyone for that matter? I know guys test boundaries, he's done that a few times, but to see where my breaking point is, and when I can't take any more, I just never thought that before.
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