Valentines Day/BF ignoring me

[SingVoice]

So the general story is that tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and Friday the guy I'm dating and I had a small fight...and now he is ignoring me.

 

But let me give some back story....(I apologize for the length). We met online...and on our second date...I ended up passing out and going into the hospital for surgery. (Had an ovarian cyst rupture and was bleeding internally). He was amazing during this time...he stayed with me until like 3am when I was moved into a room. He came back the next day and was there when I went into surgery...he also came the following day and took me home. So for the next couple weeks I couldn't really do much...so he would pretty much come over...we would watch a movie/eat...and go to sleep. (I wasn't allowed to have sex for 3 weeks because of the surgery...and he was cool with that.) Anyway we sort of got into this habit of just hanging out. After I was feeling better...I asked him why we didn't go on any dates...and he said he just got too comfortable. (He is 30, I am 29).

 

Fast forward...it turns out it was kind of a financial issue. His work was slowing down somewhat...until about 2 months ago when it pretty much stopped all together. (We have been dating about 4 months).

 

He had been really stressed out about money. And when I found out he was having money issues...I didn't press the issue of actual "dates" because I didn't want to make him feel bad. I also helped him here and there...bought him groceries....when I cooked I would make a lot extra for him for leftovers...I gave him gas money occasionally when he would come see me.

 

Well he decided to go back to school, which is great! I have been completely supportive of that. The problem is...when he gets into something...he ignores me. Like if he is working on his car....he falls off the face of the earth. He won't make plans with me. He barely speaks to me. He also has ADD so I know he gets distracted easily.

 

It's been 4 months...and he knows I have been waiting for him to make the relationship "official." I have been on edge with him this week because he was distracted and ignoring me...and plus Valentines day was coming up and he didn't mention ANYTHING about it. So when he finally asked if I wanted to hang out Friday....I confronted him about being distant...and I told him that sometimes I feel like he isn't looking for a relationship. He agreed that he hasn't been 100% there...but he says he knows things will pick up and get better.

 

So Friday...still no mention of Vday...he starts talking about how his sister is dating this guy...and he is being all "bad ass brother" about it...if he hurts her or treats her badly he'll kick his ass...blah blah. And I said...well it's nice that you put so much thought into that...but it would be nice if you put some effort into me! I also told him again that I feel like he isn't really wanting a relationship...but that he just wants to do whatever he wants.

 

Then he ignored me. And still is. I ALWAYS come chasing after him when we have a disagreement...and I told myself this time I wasn't going to. I even deleted his number out of my phone because I KNEW that I would go running to him.

 

And I haven't heard from him...tomorrow is Valentines Day. What do I do? Are we over?

[Lilmisus]

What you need to do is sit down and talk to him and ask him what he's looking for. It sounds like all you have said was "you're not looking for a relationship" since that's the only way you really phrased it, which sounds more like an attacking way of saying it instead of openly talking about it. Though I believe that you should let him come to you this time, if you are really persistent about knowing if you will have plans for tomorrow then you could always go to his house tonight and just sit down and talk about how you both feel. Ask him where he sees you guys going, what his plans are, if he's ready for a relationship, etc. Tell him that after four months you're ready to take it to that level. If he's not willing to commit, then yes, it's over, and you should move on and find a guy who is willing to give you that type of commitment. Also, if he's not financially fit right now, then it may not be the best time for him to invest time and money when he should be looking for work and saving his money. Maybe that's the reason why he hasn't mentioned going official?

 

Also, girls make this mistake all the time. If you want to make plans with your honey on Valentine's day, your birthday, etc, tell them how you feel, and don't just wait for him to bring it up. I asked my boyfriend what he wanted to do two weeks ago for Valentine's day, and I told him what I thought would be nice: home cooked dinner, easy night in, nothing fancy. You can't always wait for the guy to make the move. If it matters that much to you, speak up. Guys can't read your mind and vice versa. If he didn't mention anything about Valentine's day, and if you don't have plans, you're both to blame for that. So, if you do go over and speak to him, and things are on a good foot, speak up and tell him what you'd like if he doesn't mention it, yet again.

[Ay Diesel T]

I'd also like to mention that pressuring your boyfriend ie. nagging, isn't the best way to go. Women often make this mistake. Basically what I gathered from your post is that your boyfriend is super busy, and you're constantly on top of him, implying that he SHOULD do this, he SHOULD do that....I'm pretty sure he's thoroughly annoyed with you, and probably losing patience.

 

Lilmisus had it right, just sit and talk with him, don't attack and nag him.

[SingVoice]

Thanks for the advice. We actually talked about Valentine's Day about a month ago. We talked about how we BOTH thought it was important to celebrate it. He even went so far as to say "It'll be Valentine's Month!" And then nothing.

 

I have actually talked to him about where our relationship is heading. He SAYS he is looking to settle down...but his actions say other. He still likes to "party with his buddies" a lot...which I have no problem with...except that all of his buddies are goof-offs who aren't in relationships and hate women. They are the kind of guys that give you **** for acting all "googly" over a girl. There are other things too...

 

Plus remember I can't contact him because I deleted his number!

[SingVoice]

AY Diesel....

 

I havent been pressuring him about taking it to the next level.

 

Also...he ISN'T super busy...because like I said...he isn't working right now. It's just that when he is doing something...he can't focus on anything else.

[Ay Diesel T]

AY Diesel....

 

I havent been pressuring him about taking it to the next level.

 

Also...he ISN'T super busy...because like I said...he isn't working right now. It's just that when he is doing something...he can't focus on anything else.

 

What's wrong with that? If he's busy doing something, why can't he have that time and focus?

[daphne]

Sing,

 

I have to say, I think you're behaving like a doormat and you are doing all of the work in the relationship in hopes that your "bf" will commit. You can't buy love, but it seems like your overeagerness to help him out is, perhaps misguided. His actions are saying he does not want a relationship.

 

First, you mentioned that he was ok with not having sex with you for 3 weeks after a surgery. You had only been out on 2 dates. It would be unreasonable for him to expect sex right away after 2 dates anyway. That just sounded crazy to me that you would feel any kind of pressure to have sex right off the bat.

 

Secondly, when a guy is really interested, it doesn't matter if he's in a financial downtime or not he's going to make an effort to make you happy. If he has no money, he'll do other things to let you know he's thinking about you. It sounds like you're the one bargaining for it, pursuing him, showing the attention. And your'e not really getting much back.

 

Which leads to my conclusion that you don't think you deserve better. I don't know how the conversation went down about Valentine's day, but most guys that are in relationships get it. And it sounds like a month ago he got it. So what changed? Why make any effort when the other person is doing it all?

 

Why do you think you need to do it all to be in a relationship? Cos it sounds like half of a relationship anyway.

 

I wouldn't bother tryng to make this out because I think the pattern is already set and you will always be buying the relationship, and he will continue to let you.

[SingVoice]

I agree with you!!! I'm not saying that...but it's kind of a habit for him...he just sort of "shuts down"...I think I am not explaining this right.

 

I don't need him to constantly call me or text me or anything. But when it becomes a problem is that he gets so into something that it interferes with the time we spend together...or it interferes with our relationship. And I'm not talking about "oh I havent seen him for 2 days"...I'm talking over a week. Or if I am having a tough week...he can't be there for me because his mind is elsewhere. I just wish he could be a LITTLE bit more involved in the relationship at those points...(which he agrees with me on!)

 

This really is just a side point anyway...I'm not really upset about this...but I kind of feel like now is one of those times when he is "shutting down" and I have to chase after him...

[SingVoice]

Wow Daphne...

 

There is a part of me that absolutely thinks you are right.

 

Although let me just say...I DIDN'T feel any pressure about the sex thing...it's just that I know that some guys would not be cool with it. (Actually I was the one pressuring him for it!!! Haha jk)

 

I agree that in many ways I have been a doormat. I kind of think that his thinking is "well i don't have the money to do anything nice so I just won't do anything." I would be happy if he just wrote a little note on a piece of paper!

 

I should say that he does do some things for me...he'll get up and start my car for me or clean it off. He washes it for me too. (He's a big car person.) He HAS made me dinner before...made us a nice bubble bath in his jet tub...etc. He isn't COMPLETELY clueless....

[Imajerk17]

You women need to find/go for guys who have their act together. That would be a good start.

 

I hate to say it, but your good intentions to help him out actually have turned this from a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship into a mother/son relationship of sorts. Do you give him an allowance for doing chores for you around the house too? Anyway, looks like he lost passion for you. Basically he feels emasculated from all of your "help". And you probably feel resentful over having to do so much too.

 

This probably cannot be saved.

Edited February 13, 2011 by Imajerk17

[daphne]

Wow Daphne...

 

There is a part of me that absolutely thinks you are right.

 

Although let me just say...I DIDN'T feel any pressure about the sex thing...it's just that I know that some guys would not be cool with it. (Actually I was the one pressuring him for it!!! Haha jk)

 

I agree that in many ways I have been a doormat. I kind of think that his thinking is "well i don't have the money to do anything nice so I just won't do anything." I would be happy if he just wrote a little note on a piece of paper!

 

I should say that he does do some things for me...he'll get up and start my car for me or clean it off. He washes it for me too. (He's a big car person.) He HAS made me dinner before...made us a nice bubble bath in his jet tub...etc. He isn't COMPLETELY clueless....

 

Ok. So he's not completely clueless. But he's still nowhere near bf material either.

 

As far as some guys not being cool with waiting for sex. I personally could care less. I'm not here to give sex to every guy who wants it or I'd never get anything done. For some reason guys feel entitled to it and women feed that entitlement. We could get even crazier and say that guys feel entitled to sex on the spot of meeting, and I won't be doing that either. You determine what your boundaries are. Not the expectations of someone else. And it does sound like you allow others to dictate your boundaries.

 

When I stopped being a doormat, I had people, men and women treating me better because I didn't accept it when they didn't. I think you'd find a higher quality of people in your life if you stopped being a doormat, too.

[waynebrady]

Sing,

 

I have to say, I think you're behaving like a doormat and you are doing all of the work in the relationship in hopes that your "bf" will commit. You can't buy love, but it seems like your overeagerness to help him out is, perhaps misguided. His actions are saying he does not want a relationship.

 

What work is she doing? Is she planning activities? Is she calling/texting him? I doub't it, so what work is she doing? What is she doing that takes so much effort?

 

I don'tknow about that guy. But it seems whenever the guy is putting in less effort then people will say the woman is putting in all the effort and doing all the work, when infact women rarely if ever put in any effort into dating or relationships at all.

[SingVoice]

Well waynebrady...I'm glad you asked.

 

I do text him and call him. And believe it or not...I have planned WAY more dates for us than he has. I took him on a trip out of town with me....which was all planned out by me.

 

Why would you assume that I wasn't putting in the effort? If I wasn't...I wouldn't be complaining.

 

Also Daphne...you're right. I have been a doormat. I thought I was being kind and supportive by going out of my way for him. But yeah....he hasn't been giving much back. I think what confused me is that when we are together...he actually does care. But that's not enough.

 

I doubt I will even hear from him again. He is waiting for me to chase him...and it's not going to happen. I need to just move on.

[waynebrady]

Why would you assume that I wasn't putting in the effort?

 

Because you are a woman. But ok, I guess you do put in more effort than him. But thats a rarity among women, I always assume the man puts in all the effort and does all the work because thats the way it usually is... yet the woman will still find a way to complain and make it seem like he isn't putting in any effort... When she ain't putting in any either.

[SingVoice]

So I had an epiphany about this whole situation...(thanks to the responses I got).

 

I have never been a doormat kind of girl before...I am usually the hardass "you are a dummy its over" person. But I know exactly why I laid myself out to be a doormat.

 

So in my original posting...I told the story about how I ended up in the hospital on our second date...blah blah. Well during that time...none of my friends came to visit me...or my family. He was the only one who was there for me...and he was REALLY great about it. (He wasn't at all like..."look at me...I'm the hero!" like some people can be).

 

I think when I got out...I was SO thankful to him...that I just wanted to show him how much I appreciated him. So I did things for him. I didn't get much back...but I think I felt indebted somehow. But I realize now all I was doing was saying "yeah its ok if you don't do anything for me...Im still going to be around and continue to do for you." Essentially what I did was lost any sense of standard I had simply because of the hospital situation. I didn't make him "chase" me or whatever you want to call it.

 

I'm an idiot. Haha

[Emilia]

I think when I got out...I was SO thankful to him...that I just wanted to show him how much I appreciated him. So I did things for him. I didn't get much back...but I think I felt indebted somehow. But I realize now all I was doing was saying "yeah its ok if you don't do anything for me...Im still going to be around and continue to do for you." Essentially what I did was lost any sense of standard I had simply because of the hospital situation. I didn't make him "chase" me or whatever you want to call it.

 

I'm an idiot. Haha

 

we all do stuff like this. I had a really useless bf once whom I would never ever date again and I was with him at the time because of stuff that was going on in my life made think I should.

 

now I'm kicking myself for being foolish but live and learn! that's what it's about

[SingVoice]

I work at a hotel part time...and this morning a guest who checked out asked me what I was doing for Valentine's Day. I said "working all day and night." Anyway...he just came back in with a heart shaped box of chocolates and a cd for me. He said he felt bad that I wasn't doing anything for Valentine's Day.

 

I got teary eyed....why? Because a complete stranger is more thoughtful to me than the person I was dating.

 

Still haven't heard from him...but it only reinforces the fact that he didn't really care about me. I know I won't...and am disappointed...but ok with it. This surprise Valentine shows me that there ARE men out there who are considerate.

[daphne]

I work at a hotel part time...and this morning a guest who checked out asked me what I was doing for Valentine's Day. I said "working all day and night." Anyway...he just came back in with a heart shaped box of chocolates and a cd for me. He said he felt bad that I wasn't doing anything for Valentine's Day.

 

I got teary eyed....why? Because a complete stranger is more thoughtful to me than the person I was dating.

 

Still haven't heard from him...but it only reinforces the fact that he didn't really care about me. I know I won't...and am disappointed...but ok with it. This surprise Valentine shows me that there ARE men out there who are considerate.

 

That made me teary eyed as well. Very sweet of him. He just proved to you that someone else can treat you better.

[daphne]

So I had an epiphany about this whole situation...(thanks to the responses I got).

 

I have never been a doormat kind of girl before...I am usually the hardass "you are a dummy its over" person. But I know exactly why I laid myself out to be a doormat.

 

So in my original posting...I told the story about how I ended up in the hospital on our second date...blah blah. Well during that time...none of my friends came to visit me...or my family. He was the only one who was there for me...and he was REALLY great about it. (He wasn't at all like..."look at me...I'm the hero!" like some people can be).

 

I think when I got out...I was SO thankful to him...that I just wanted to show him how much I appreciated him. So I did things for him. I didn't get much back...but I think I felt indebted somehow. But I realize now all I was doing was saying "yeah its ok if you don't do anything for me...Im still going to be around and continue to do for you." Essentially what I did was lost any sense of standard I had simply because of the hospital situation. I didn't make him "chase" me or whatever you want to call it.

 

I'm an idiot. Haha

 

You're not an idiot. It makes perfect sense, actually. But you set the tone for the rest of the relationship by being the total giver. He didn't have to lift a finger.

 

There's something I once advised a guy friend of mine, who is a certifiable 100% doormat with women.

 

"Never thank someone for their presence, and never apologize for your own."

 

A doormat can feel unworthy of someone's attention or time. And can also be apologetic for being a burden.