makelemonade1974 Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 I have a Valentine's date with a guy friend of mine who is ONLY a friend. I have no sexual / romantic interest in him whatsoever. Trouble is, I'm not sure it's that way on his side. But he's a really close friend and my only close friend that's single, so I suggested we get together for V-day. I am getting over an intense breakup and a little depressed. How do I keep him from getting the wrong idea? My guy friends always end up developing a thing for me that ruins the friendship entirely. This guy is really important to me (we also have a working relationship where we do projects together -and I don't want to lose that either). Can guys and girls be friends? How do you ensure that it's platonic on both sides?
Seamless74 Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 well i would suggest trying to stop leading guys on that would probably be a good start.. Do you think you could deal with the lack of sexual attention you get from these poor suckers if you chose to be upfront about your desire to remain friends at the beginning of these relationships..??
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 13, 2011 Author Posted February 13, 2011 Oh wow. You're a real sweetheart.
january2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Can guys and girls be friends? How do you ensure that it's platonic on both sides? In my experience, no. Unless the other person is the partner of someone who is the main friend. Though that doesn't stop some people. I don't think there is a way to ensure that it will always remain platonic because people change and circumstances change. With regard to your situation, I think it's too late to pull out but I suggest that afterwards you don't go back to your place or his even if he's been to your place before or you've been to his place before. In my opinion, Valentine's Day can put a certain slant on activities with the opposite sex that wouldn't normally be there on other days. I'd also suggest not dressing as though it's a date but just two friends hanging out.
carhill Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Hint: Reconsider 'going out' with a single straight male friend on Valentine's Day. Today for brunch would be fine. This presumes Valentine's Day has any meaning in your culture. If just February 14, a Monday this year, then disregard. Can girls and guys be friends? Yes, they can, with a foundation of common and equal interest. Out of the dozens of women 'friends' over the years, I can think of two (single ladies) where I felt such a balance, where they were truly my friend equally as I was theirs. All the rest were more my being their friend than they mine. Unbalanced. I allowed the imbalance because of typical male feelings about women. That's not a true friendship. So, are all your female friends attached? No one to 'introduce' him to? Hmm.... how about an active interest in his social life? Well, that's a few areas. Lots more in the friend box to pull out and play with. Good luck
Seamless74 Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Thank you.,, I always appreciate it when people give me honest feedback.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 13, 2011 Author Posted February 13, 2011 Thank you.,, I always appreciate it when people give me honest feedback. "Honesty" is not the same as "rudeness" and you know that very well. You don't know me or my situation enough from the paragraph I wrote to be able to insult me in such a manner. I've noticed a trend on internet forums where certain people who are unhappy or otherwise angry at the world for some reason think it is okay to act in ways that wouldn't be acceptable in normal face-to-face interactions (where there might be social consequences). Some call these people "trolls." I call them bullies. Do you feel like a big man? Wow, you are indeed formidable. I did ask for honest feedback, that doesn't mean I asked to be insulted. If you don't think you were being rude, then I suggest you look again at your post.
somedude81 Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 This scenario of man liking his female friend, who only thinks of him as a brother keeps happening. I'd swear that there must be at least 10 active threads on this forum about it. IMO it's a bad idea for girls to spend time alone with their guy friend, when the friend is single and looking, and she knows that she's not into him. It is not hard to lead men on, intentionally or not. To keep him from getting the wrong idea you should probably go your separate ways as soon as the dinner is over. I'm sure you'd want to go out for drinks and that's probably OK. But don't go back to either of your homes. Can guys and girls be friends? How do you ensure that it's platonic on both sides? Frankly, when a guy is single and looking, it will never be platonic. They will almost always want to sleep with the girl. It's in our nature.
bobdole Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Can guys and girls be friends? From a guys standpoint - only if shes ugly.. There will always be sex in the air between a man and a woman. They may NEVER act on it, but its there. Always
carhill Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 I'll also add that the successful friendships I've had have been where the woman didn't use her sexual power at *any* time to entice me or otherwise poison the friendship. That means no flirting, no sexual innuendos, no inappropriate touching. In essence, behave how I behave with my friend's wives, and they me, in front of their husbands, and always like that, regardless of circumstances. The 'friends' who have turned out to be the attention whores are the ones who tease and titillate and then proclaim 'you must've misunderstood'. Yeah, when I felt that wet little tongue on my lips, there's a good chance I did. Also, somedude81 makes a good point. As an example, right now I make a lousy male friend because I'm fresh off a divorce and celibate for 2+ years. *Any* substantial intimacy with a woman, even if overtly 'friendly', will cause my libido to skew my perhaps otherwise platonic intentions, intentions which might be acted out in a healthy way if I was in a relationship or non-celibate. One datapoint.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 13, 2011 Author Posted February 13, 2011 Thanks you guys - this is all excellent advice. I'll make sure to look awful and eat garlic before I get together with this guy. Lol, no just kidding. I do think, however, it's good advice to watch my behavior around male friends. It's such a shame though - I consider this guy a really close friend, and the idea that he might be just hanging out with me because he thinks I'll eventually sleep with him is really upsetting. I've rescheduled our drinks on Monday to another night just to be clear about things. It's great that there's always loveshack for a male perspective without weirdness.
East7 Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 First of all, it sounds pretty weird to ask a male friend out on a Monday, Vday, while there is a whole weekend just before...I would suggest that you go out during the day or in a place that has no romantic atmosphere (crowded, noisy ). Maybe you can make it a group-date, bring a girl friend with you. Can guys be friends with women ? YES, why not. The secret is to put each-other in the friends-zone at the very beginning. No seductive staring, touching or any ambiguous sign. I have always met amazing women with who I share interesting conversations and have many things in common, still zero romantic interest for each-other, and that is fine. Nevertheless most of the guys will test their chances if there is a minimum attraction, they will try to get closer.
Yamaha Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Why do you want to hang out with this guy on a romantic holiday? If he was a she would you call her up and suggest getting together for v-day? Ask yourself if you are using him as a subsitute b/c he is male first and a friend second?
Waitress Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 I think the men on this forum are making a really good point. One that we women need to start being more responsible about. It is very easy to lead a man on. And we women don't always consciously say, oh I wanna lead him on. But we do enjoy the perks. So, that feeds into us doing it more. If your guy friends always end up with a thing for you (it happens to me, too) then I suggest you think about what you can do to keep that from happening. I have been feeling kind of lonely and depressed lately myself. And I have two close guy friends I turn to for comfort and support. The thing is, we women do know how guys take that type of reaching out. But we do it anyway. My feeling is the place to start is with ourselves. And if I were you I would cancel V-Day plans with him. Maybe even tell him something like, I've been thinking a lot about my ex and just think I need to focus on myself. It might be better for you in the long run. Ya know?
EasyHeart Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 I've noticed a trend on internet forums where certain people who are unhappy or otherwise angry at the world for some reason think it is okay to act in ways that wouldn't be acceptable in normal face-to-face interactions (where there might be social consequences). Some call these people "trolls." I call them bullies.Exactly right. And it's worse on this forum because it's for hurt and heart-broken people and bullies always look for vulnerable people to bully. I've found it's best to ignore them and not engage them. It makes them feel more powerful if they know they're getting your attention.
tami-chan Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 "Can girls and guys be friends" To me, YES, why not? but to many men, apparently, no. When I am invited by a guy for coffee, lunch, dinner...to me it is just that -two people eating out-nothing more-unless obviously specified.
EasyHeart Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Can guys and girls be friends? How do you ensure that it's platonic on both sides?I think it's possible, but it's rare. And hard to do. My female friends are either (1) ex-girlfriends, (2) married women, (3) co-workers, or (4) 'real' friends. In categories 1 and 2, there's mutual attraction but the other person is off-limits, so it works out fine. But I consider them limited friends: we stay in public, usually only get together during the day, and make sure we are never in environment where things might get inappropriate (eg, drinking or alone at home). Female co-workers are actually the easiest, because we have to worry about legal issues and perceptions around the office, so that keeps us at arms-length. I have two very close female friends whom for whom I have no attraction and (i'm pretty sure) are not attracted to me. I think of them as sisters, and they are two of my very favorite people. I think most of us have a pretty good idea of when another person is attracted to us. If I get the sense that a woman friend is attracted to me, I just raise the issue with her directly and discuss it. It usually works out really well as long as both people are mature enough and secure enough to discuss it. And if they're not, then you know they were looking for more than friendship. So I think male-female friendships can work (1) if there is no attraction on either side or (2) one or both people are off-limits. You just have to make sure BOTH people have the same definition of "off-limits"! Like carhill alluded to, I've known married women who didn't let their marriage affect their dating life. And lately, I've run into the strange problem of women who I consider way too young to date (ie, early-mid 20s) and therefore off-limits getting crushes on me. It's flattering, but actually rather awkward and hard to deal with. I'm not willing to write off half the population as "unfriendable", especially since many of my closest friends are women. But I think you have to go into the friendship with your eyes open and remain vigilant so that nobody gets the wrong idea.
Nexus One Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 I've never understood it, but some people who are just friends go on dates on Valentines day or give each other Valentines gifts, flowers and cards. Why? It makes no sense. Isn't Valentines day for lovers and people that have a crush on someone? Explain the rationale behind it to me. Valentines day is not friends day, right? Right. It's like those people don't get what Valentines day is for. By all means go do it if you want, but don't be surprised if certain friends will get the wrong idea.
EasyHeart Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 It's because many (most?) women have a phobia about being alone on Valentine's Day. They think it's depressing and they're losers if they are home alone on Valentine's Day. Plus, all their female friends are going to be asking them about where they went on Valentine's Day and trying to one-up them. It gets competitive! I don't get it, but I know it exists.
Whatshername Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 (edited) So.........taking advice from various posters: It can work??? Be UP FRONT....... So if I am healing from a relationship and emotionally not even close to being ready to date - I tell him this in no uncertain terms, so he knows that I am not over the ex. Do not be alluring, in dressing especially nice when meeting, or smell too good, doing the little things you might do on a date....... that might send sexual signals. yes, we do them, but if we are aware, we can realize the things we don't do alone or with female companions that we might be doing. It is hard. I hate sitting home, and this guy has the same issue. I feel better if I am busy not sitting in and dwelling on things, (yes I do other things) I told him straight up, just friends and even went so far as to not answering him when he asked pointed q's about if I was ready, would he be a guy I'd date. I refused to answer, and explained why. We have fun. Good conversation. Nothing intense. We text randomly on occasion. No flirting, no sexual comments. But, I guess I KNOW he would love it to be otherwise. I'd feel so much better if he were dating someone. He did offer to make me dinner for VDay and I declined and have not been to his home. My rule was to meet always and go Dutch. Edited February 15, 2011 by Whatshername
fishtaco Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Yes men and women can be friends. But the female friends I have don't invite me out on a date on Valentine's day. The friendship breaks down when one side decide to get all ambiguous. So as long as the man and the woman stay clear of the gray area, yes, it's possible to be friends. But you are looking for a temporary platonic boyfriend substitute to sooth your depression. I hope he knows that. If he doesn't, well, he'll get a very quick lesson. So please carry on, do whatever you wanted to do. It's his responsibility to be able to tell the difference and make the right choice for him.
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