Text from Ex even though he wanted "space"

[Country_Girl]

I won't rehash my story, it's really long, but the cliffs notes version is Ex broke up with me because we were fighting a lot. He admitted it was his failures (his lying, his addiction, he was depressed, his hours were cut at work). He was pretty much self sabotaging the last 2 months we were together. Break up was Dec 20th 2010, I moved out back to the US the 22nd.

 

I didn't have a phone when I moved back, so on New Years I emailed to see if he still wanted contact. He said no. I sent some emails begging pleading for a relationship in the future when we both healed. So, he waited till my birthday on the 7th to say he didn't believe in his heart we will ever be together.

 

Jan 26th I asked if we could talk on the phone, I needed some closure and to sort some things out. He said call him in 10 minutes & I did, we talked for 30 min. I pretty much wanted to know why he was giving me mixed signals at the airport- what had changed between that day and new years. He said he realized he was too screwed up to be in a relationship with anyone. I told him I hoped we could be together in the future. He said he still loved me but was falling out of love with me.

 

Feb 4th I am riding the emotional roller coaster. I texted him that I have a new phone # if he ever wants to talk. He didn't respond, and it just pissed me off-since even though there were very few emails between us it would take him days to respond. And I know how he is, his email goes right to his phone & it's always attached at his hip, and I didn't agree that he just blows me off. I sent him an email saying I'm moving on, I'm tired of chasing him, I'm tired of loving someone that doesn't love me back. I said it was bull**** to say he loves me but is falling out of love- that love is a choice. You either choose to love someone or you don't, that it wasn't in my control whether he chooses to love me or not.

 

He didn't like that and texted me saying that he just wanted space and that's what all this was about. That I can hate him all I want, that I made it clear I was done with him, that maybe he should leave it at that, but he missed me dearly. I asked if he wanted to talk, he said yes and called me, we talked for maybe an hour. It was pretty much a repeat of the last phone call. I said I feel like I must be some horrible person for him to not want to talk to me, he said he was hurting and that's why he doesn't respond. I said fine, but at least acknowledge me, that's all I wanted. He said I was assuming things about him and not to do that. He hinted at maybe one day coming to visit. He warned me his battery was low and the phone cut off after a bit. I texted him later that day to say "I am going to give you the space you asked for". He texted back "I received this message (smiley face)". I felt a little better since he did what I asked and acknowledged it.

 

Feb 13th (today) I get a text at 4am from him.

Him: You awake?

Me: Yeah

Him: Didn't mean to bother, just wanted to say hi

Me: No bother, I am working graveyard shift right now

Him: Ah, so what do you do?

Me: Assist managing 7-11 cashier/inventory/product ordering

Him: So you eat taquitos all night is what you are telling me

Me: Anything I write off at the end of the night is mine

Him: Your secret is safe with me

Him: Btw, I see your spelling still needs work **(a running joke we had between us)**

Me: I'll have to see if there's a blackberry app for that

Him: So what time to you work till?

Me: 6am

Him: Ah, well I don't want u to get in trouble, so i won't keep bugging u

Me: No worries

 

I was curious if he was going to break contact soon, since tomm (14th) would have been our 1 year wedding anniversary. Well, had the paperwork actually been filed (whole other story). Maybe that's why he broke contact. And you know what, the contact didn't even set me back. I wasn't left feeling all hopeful and happy. If anything, I felt empowered, since he's the one that wanted space an broke it. At this point, the only reason why I am thinking about it is to wonder why he broke contact, and I'm leaning towards it being V-day tomm and that was our day.

 

Guess it's back to NC, I wonder when he will break it again, because I won't! I haven't even been tempted to in over a week. I'm starting to feel pretty good, and I have realized that I don't need anybody, but myself. I'm working my ass off, I've lost weight, I've met so many nice/helpful people-there light at the end of the tunnel

[gator12]

You sound like you've made a lot of progress in your healing so a big congratulations are in order for that. Now that said, if you are still interested in getting back together with this guy, replying is probably not the thing you should be doing. Or at least wait a day or two, idk relationship are complicated but he definately will be able to tell how confident you are because you actually are now. Idk, I wouldn't expect another message just to be on the safe side but if it comes I'd say wait a day or two before replying.

 

-Gator

[Country_Girl]

Thanks Gator,

I'm not sure if I want to reconcile or not, 2 weeks ago I was pretty set on that, now I'm at the point of "I care but I don't". In other words, I don't feel like my world would end if we never got back together. So, I'm leaving it open to a possibility if changes are made, but that won't make or break me at this point. I have seen your threads and I know you have had success with delaying your responses to your ex- you pretty much turned the tables on her which is great IMO . I'm not sure I can delay responses to him by a day or two, since that was something I pretty much called him out on, on the 4th. And he did reply to my text that same day when I told him I would honor his need for space. I'd look like an ass if I complained about him doing that & then did it myself. I don't know if I'll hear from him again this month, but I figure in 2-3 weeks I'll get something. I think my email on the 4th saying I am moving on might have casted some doubt in him.

[gator12]

Yea I'm working on it, hopefully it all works out. But like you I am moved on, you are at that point where you can really say you have moved on which is very good. Who knows if he'll keep responding, but by you not responding right now you are doing the same thing I did and turning the tables on them.

[Country_Girl]

Gator,

Do you actually want her back, or do you think it's an ego/pride thing at this point? I guess that's what I'm trying to decide for myself, and I can't even answer it. If we did work things out, I'm not sure my heart would be in it 100%. I was worried about this stage, and it's hitting me much sooner than anticipated. I once had an ex come back some 9 months or so later and at that point I had moved on. I know that the more time that passes will just deflate my feelings even more, and it's a weird feeling to become indifferant and not care about the outcome anymore. I wish I had answers, for myself, and could know what I was feeling at the core. Do I really want him back? Or do I just miss the closeness of being with someone I love and trust? So confused.

[gator12]

I am moved on in the sense that I am more than prepared to live without her and know that my life will be fine without her. That is how I define moved on, but at the same time I still love her and would take her back and still hope that we do get another shot. I know it wouldn't be 100% of what it was before but that would come in time. You go through the phase of indifference before you get to the end where you decide whether or not you still would take them back etc.

 

Most people usually move on completely, but sometimes like me they would still like another go. I think the reason for a breakup is a large part of this, the more serious the reason the less likely to want reconciliation. But my ex and I ended up breaking up because of silly little mistakes, they make you just want to have a real go at the relationship. Idk, I really hope for a second chance but I don't dwell on the thought of it.

 

-Gator

[Country_Girl]

UPDATE:

 

So, today being V-day and our anniversary and all, I decided to sleep most of the day to keep my mind off it. Didn't have to work so I figured, what the hay. Was kind of wondering if I would get anything from him when I woke up in the afternoon. No dice, but then 2am rolls around and I get a text him:

 

Him: Hey

Me: Hey

Him: How's it going?

Me: Ok, slept most of the day and hope I didn't screw myself for tomm day shift. You?

Him: You have to work early tomm?

Me: Not till 2pm, but it's hard balancing night/day shifts. How are u doing?

Him: I'm sorry. Want to talk for a bit, I have some things I need to say.

Me: Sure

 

So he called me, we talked for an hour. He said he was sorry. I said for what? He said because of how he just "shuts down" when things aren't going well. That he has done that his whole life, and he didn't realize it till I brought it to his attention our last phone conversation, and he never meant for it to be a control tactic, it's just how he is, and he now see's how damaging it is. I said I understand, but it's not healthy to continue. I said he wanted space so I am giving it to him, since that's what he said he needed. I said if I have good news I don't text him, since I am respecting his wishes. He kind of changed his tone and said I can call/text/email whenever I want. He is conflicted, doesn't know if he wants to hear from me or not, he didn't know what was "right", and almost wanted me to dictate if we should talk or not. I told him it was up to him, whatever he needed.

 

He was concerned about me, my living situation, he knew it would be less than ideal living with my brother who is Narcissistic and only cares about himself. He seemed to carry a lot of guilt about that. I assured him things were a little better now that I am working nights and don't have to deal with him much. He sounded hurt our whole conversation, like he had been crying.

 

He's always been someone that wanted "instant" results. He's not happy being in "limbo" with the current situation. He doesn't know where his job is headed, he only works 15 hrs a week, he wants to go to school but is waiting on being accepted by the band (he's part native). He said he was torn between 2 options right now...trying to be accepted for school or falling off the grid for a year. I asked, what did he mean by falling off the grid? He said he thought about going to Japan for a year and working, not being on anyone's radar. I told him go to school, he wants a PR position and he needs to finish college for that. Told him falling off the grid would accomplish nothing- gave him the quote "wherever you go, there you are" - what ever he was running from would soon follow him, no matter what new scenery he encountered.

 

He said he doesn't mean to give me mixed signals, by calling, then not calling...texting then no texting. He said he still loves me. I said it doesn't have to be this way. He said he doesn't know the future state of our relationship, but he has some work to do on himself. Then apologized again, saying he met me at a bad time- that he had some self esteem issues he swept under the rug and was dealing with that now. He said he's 24 but he feels like he's going on 40. Like he learned so many life lessons all at once, he feels old.

 

He said "oh my god, do I miss you". I told him I missed him too.

 

Not sure where this stands now, guess I am in "limbo" too now.

[gator12]

Shouldn't have replied to be honest, but that aside you handeled it well. With one exception, you shouldn't have mentioned to him anything about the relationship, indifference is what your goal is should you actually talk to your ex. Indifference does more damage than anything else, it shows now that you're moved on, but it also doens't show that you're still waiting. Lol it's perfect.

 

Idk, I'd advise staying in NC, you guys haven't been seperated long enough for any real change to happen. Stay in NC, he most likely won't contact you again for a while, you already bit so he still knows you're there wiating. Ignore him next time, if he wants you back he will persist despite you ignoring him, don't be a friend to somebody who you love as more than a friend.

 

Please take my advice on this one,

-Gator

[Country_Girl]

Well, one topic that was also discussed last night when we were talking about "if" we should have contact with one another, I told him I have no interest in his friendship unless it is building towards something. He did agree on that.

 

Oh trust me, I'm on the same page with you when you say it's too soon for change. He is well aware of that also, that we both have work to do on both our parts- that's why we are kind of in limbo right now. We know neither of us are ready, but we are willing to become friends again for the purpose of it building into a relationship WAY down the line.

 

Since he bit the bullet and has been calling/texting, I didn't want it to seem one sided so I texted him today. There are some candy bars here they don't sell where he lives & I asked him if he wanted me to send him some, he said he would LOVE that. I figure that's the least I can do, he got rid of his US minute plan on his phone when we broke up, so I'm guessing from the last 2 times we talked he probably racked up well over $150. So yeah, I wanted to do something nice since I feel bad about that. We also had an exchange of joking texts. So, my plan is to send the candy on Thurs, and wait for contact.

 

I know NC is the way to go, but I think I am going to move to LC and see how that goes. I know he's pretty depressed, so I don't want to completely disappear on him. But for the most part I am not going to initiate contact, I will just reply when he talks to me. If I see him reach out more, then I will make steps to initiate.

[gator12]

LC is your choice and if you feel it is right by all means go for it. A key to it though, since it is actually a part of NC at the very very end when they want you back is too take your time in responding. Don't reply instantly and be casual when you respond. Just don't make it look like you cling to his every word you know. Be strong.

 

-Gator

[Country_Girl]

Update:

 

So he texted me at like 4am wanting to talk because he couldn't sleep and had a lot on his mind. He asked if I thought if we could even be friends at this stage? Before I could reply he called me. Basically he said he knows he's not ready for a relationship, and it's hurting him to contact me because he ends the conversation with a smile on his face and only thinking of the good times- when he doesn't want to forget the bad. Wth? He's the one texting/calling me the last 3 days, I only initiated one text. And why the hell did he text me anyway to say "hi" on the 13th to break the ice?

 

He said he didn't know if we could be friends because what if I move on before him, or what if he moves on before me because we ended up meeting someone else. So I agreed, said maybe we shouldn't be talking then if it is going to possibly end up hurting us in the end. It was really painful to have to do that, as I am losing a piece of me, and a best friend in the process.

 

Anyhow, he said some things that really pissed me off & put me off. He said "When we broke up all my friends were encouraging me to screw other chicks to get over it. I can't even think about being with another woman right now. Yeah I don't know why I'm telling you this." Yeah, why even ****ing tell me that? You know what makes me mad about that statement? The fact that some of these people were probably at our wedding. Wow, what great friends.

 

Other thing he said that put me off, was he said he wanted to "plow" me. Yeah you read that right, his words exactly. Not make love or any of that, but "plow"? The subject came up because he said when we talk it stirs up all kinds of emotions and that was another reason why it was hurting him. But the whole plow comment just reminded me of our terrible sex life (his porn addiction) which lead to 5 minutes in bed, never any love making, just detached sex.

 

He tried to give me compliments in the end about my personality, looks, I hope you find someone better blah blah blah. I told him to stop and I don't even want to hear it. Told him I hope he accomplishes whatever goals he has set in the future.

 

When I got off the phone I was pretty upset and cried for 2 hrs. I texted him saying "I just have 1 question, these friends that were encouraging you to screw other chicks, where these people that attended our wedding?" Then I texted "Never mind, I don't even want to know".

 

Gah, I am so done with him. All he has done is bring me pain, maybe not intentionally but I really feel like he has the emotional maturity of a 2 year old at this point. It's really too bad, because he just made it easier for me to move on and realize I don't want this.

[gator12]

Go into NC, read my guide in my sig and stay tough. I'm sorry for what he did but if you want an analysis he is trying to "backburner" you right now. Giving you falso hope so you will be there for him should his next girl or two not work out for him so he can "plow" you. What kind of prick says that, I hate people who attach no emotion to sex. Sex is all about emotion, you shouldn't have it with someone you don't truly love, like wth. Go back to NC, don't answer anything he sends you! And heal, be strong, it'll get better. You will meet a guy who loves you just as much as you love others,

 

All the best,

-Gator

[Country_Girl]

Yeah, well I don't have much choice but to move into NC now. And I don't think he will be calling/texting again, since we both agreed we would just be prolonging the pain by staying in touch. He said he didn't want to give me mixed signals. I guess I wasn't preparing for this to hurt, since he's the one that initiated talking again, I figured he had to have been ready.

 

Gator, do you really think he's keeping me on the backburner, even though he no longer wants contact? Also, he's in Canada, I'm in the US- it would be a long flight/money to make a booty call happen. I would never go through with that anyway- but I don't know if I see him going that far.

 

I don't think he will contact me again, if he did it would be months down the road. After all this, I don't even want to talk to him again. I won't be tempted to break NC and I have deleted his # from my phone. Sucks that I have it memorized, but there won't be any temptation.

[gator12]

Well NC is def still the best bet for you. Given the distance you'd be more likely to being backburnered for a relationship (safety net) instead of just a regular booty call. He said he didn't want to lead you on, so we must assume he is never coming back. Go into NC and heal, you've got a wonderful life ahead of you with plenty of guys who will be better for you.

 

Always look up,

-Gator

[Country_Girl]

Okay Gator, get ready to shoot me in the foot, because I broke contact again :-(

 

Wasn't even going to but was having a few beers with my best friend and felt kinda bad that I brushed him off in our last conversation, I didn't want to sound like an ass but I think it came across that way since I was just shutting down at that point. Asked him to call me to sort this out, he said he would call in 2 hrs, called in 1.

 

The conversation was better this time around.

 

So let me tell you what he told me. He still wanted me to dictate if we should be friends and talk occasionally. I said I don't know, why do I have to decide. He said he made the decision to end the relationship, so he wanted me to make a decision on this. We both made verbal notes on the pros/cons of maintaining friendship/contact and they were pretty much even.

 

Later he let it slip that he is having a hard time being "friends" because hearing my voice does a number on him. He is tempted to go back to his porn addiction because he is so horny and it makes it worse for him. Talking to me stirs up emotions. He said he was sorry for choosing the porn over me when he had a woman in front of him. So i said I don't want him to slip up his progress by talking to me, I will back away, and if he ever wants to talk he can.

 

I asked if he ever saw us together in the future, he said he was battling time. It would take him so much time (a yr or 2) to get back on track and at that point it might be too late. I had told him before, the more time that goes on will be more time to get over him- so he's worried about that.

 

I don't know, my love for him was so unconditional, his love seems limited now by time.

 

I know, NC from here on out. But do you think there is a chance or is he gone for good?

[gator12]

Honestly I don't know, nobody knows the answer to that question. That is why NC is always the best bet. You either heal and move on or they come running back, it leaves the second chance in love's hands. My advice is to not have your phone on you when you are drinking, I am sure you weren't drunk but nevertheless drinking still impairs your judgement. Just back off and give him space, no need to be his friend at this stage in the breakup. You guys can be friends if you move on, but until then you're always going to want him back. Now is the time to go into NC, for you and only you.

 

-Gator