azulcosa Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Hi everyone, I just wanted to share my story and hope that people can provide some advice. The backstory I've been dating this guy for 3 months. I'm his first relationship; he's had a few short term dates. Things seem to be going well until one day he was really acting weird and said it was because of exams. A week later, he told me we should break up because he's having a difficult time balancing school and a relationship. He thought he was able to balance it, but the day he was acting really weird he said he was feeling frustrated and was mad at everyone but didn't want to take it out on me. Hence why he wanted the relationship to end. The situation We have a lot of mutual friends. And on Saturday night, he wanted to hang out with our mutual friends. This was perfectly fine with me. I thought everything would be fine, we would be civil and get along as friends - which is what we agreed to after the breakup. But at the bar, I just felt an insane amount of awkwardness and jealousy as people kept going up to him asking for his number and grinding with him. I had to step out once just to collect my thoughts and rationalize the fact that I'm no longer with him and people are going to try to hit on him. The talk That night we talked on the phone. We still seem to be able to have decent conversations on the phone. I just asked the question why he really wanted to end things between us and I allowed him to be as honest as possible (basically I really did want to know if it was something I did or didn't do in order to prevent it next time I'm in a relationship). But his reasons for the breakup was still the same and I was perfect in the relationship (i.e. wasn't controlling, wasn't smothering, didn't have a single fight, etc.). Next steps So, I'm basically left with the feeling whether I need to fight to get this relationship back? I've usually been able to accept breakups and try to move on. However, this time around I have a hard time accepting the breakup. So this brings up a few questions and I hope for some objective answers since emotions are clouding my judgement: 1) Should I fight to have him back and together figure out how to find balance in our lives? 2) Should I remove myself from our mutual friends because I know he really needs them and it might just get harder for me to socialize with them at the bar? Ok, that's it for me now. Hope everyone had a great weekend!
D78 Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 You seem to be dealing with the breakup well. Are you sure you want to fight for the relationship? Honestly, his reason for breaking up with you sounds strange. If his reason is legit, wouldn't the problems still exist (he's still in school, so he still won't be able to balance school and a relationship)? Maybe instead of distancing yourself from your mutual friends you could just hang out with them when he isn't. And you will probably be better off if you skip the bar for a while, so you don't have to see all of the other girls flirting with him. Good luck.
Faruiza Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 You sound very mature about it. I think the problem is that he isn't mature or ready enough for any relationship. Boys take a lot longer unfortunately. So I'd say, don't waste your energy. The only thing you can do is tell him you'd be happy to help him work out the balance (ie, give him space, etc) but you respect his desicion. In the meantime, I'd concentrate on new hobbies and places to go out than the bar where he'll be. Hope that helped
gator12 Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 I disagree that guys take longer to mature in relationships. Women tend to take longer before they're over that whole "getting out and seeing what's out there" phase and tend to have commitment issues because of it. Usually I'd take a guy's word for what it is, we don't lie about breakups for the most part, and not being able to balance school and a relationship isn't a sign of immaturity it's just overstress. Idk just my observations. Idk what you should do, you could try to fight for him or tell him you want to make it work but that may not be an option for him. Guys will stick to a relationship until the very end, breaking up is something we really hate doing unless the relationship is terrible. And since yours was good, I would say his mind is pretty made up at the moment. I'd say give him space for the time being, he may just come back on his own. -Gator
Author azulcosa Posted February 13, 2011 Author Posted February 13, 2011 Thanks everyone for your replies. It's very much appreciated. I took some time to think about this situation today. I think it's probably not the right think to put in a huge amount of effort to make things work again - I don't think it was easy for him to conclude we should end things. It would probably put on a lot more stress on him if I kept pushing to get back together. So, perhaps it's time for NC? It's going to be tough to do, but it might be the right thing to do.
Am4Real Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 Thanks everyone for your replies. It's very much appreciated. I took some time to think about this situation today. I think it's probably not the right think to put in a huge amount of effort to make things work again - I don't think it was easy for him to conclude we should end things. It would probably put on a lot more stress on him if I kept pushing to get back together. So, perhaps it's time for NC? It's going to be tough to do, but it might be the right thing to do. He's young -- you're young -- he has just accomplished the art of dating -- sex perhaps as well -- and probably wants to know what else is out there! That is what young people do and have been doing for decades. As much as it might hurt there is nothing you can do. Some guys play the field, some don't; some gals play the field, some don't! You've come accross one guy that wants to play the field. Your best course is steer clear unless you want to always be wondering what he is up to and with whom and, stay away from all the spots you used to frequent or are single meet spots until you've healed up completely. Also remember this -- he broke up with you and is being desired by others -- that situation may have you falsely desire him or want to prove you can compete. You appear very mature and probably realized this "test" early on, however it's worth mentioning. Best to you, Am4Real
Author azulcosa Posted February 17, 2011 Author Posted February 17, 2011 Interesting developments... Unfortunately, I broke NC and we decided to go for coffee. He was pretty receptive at catching up on life. So, we had a great time talking about what's new in our life and what each of us did during valentines. Our discussions then evolved into talking about us. Essentially, we decided we would be friends with benefits for now. We both understand there is a very high risk that one of us might end up being hurt. But he really doesn't feel like he's ready for a relationship and said he thinks he's going to be extremely jealous if I meet someone else. For now, we just agreed to keep communications open and we'll need to probably discuss things a bit more if we wanted to maintain a friends with benefit arrangement. So, any thoughts and opinions from other people? Any experiences to share?
Am4Real Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 Interesting developments... Unfortunately, I broke NC and we decided to go for coffee. He was pretty receptive at catching up on life. So, we had a great time talking about what's new in our life and what each of us did during valentines. Our discussions then evolved into talking about us. Essentially, we decided we would be friends with benefits for now. We both understand there is a very high risk that one of us might end up being hurt. But he really doesn't feel like he's ready for a relationship and said he thinks he's going to be extremely jealous if I meet someone else. For now, we just agreed to keep communications open and we'll need to probably discuss things a bit more if we wanted to maintain a friends with benefit arrangement. So, any thoughts and opinions from other people? Any experiences to share? Sounds like you won't have a care in the world when he's "banging away" at someone else inbetween your social meet ups! After all, you're just friends with benefits. How does that "benefit" make you feel?
Author azulcosa Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 Just wanted to give an update (in case people want to learn from my experiences and what not). Even though we agreed to be friends with benefits, it didn't really turn out that way. We both didn't feel quite right about it and we still spend time as friends and hung out with our mutual friends. During our time as friends, a he was asked out a few times by people, which he turned down. Even rejected people at the bar when I wasn't with him (our mutual friends told me). But a few days ago, we had a serious conversation about the future. And he knows it's difficult for me to hang out with him and not have feelings for him. After a long conversation, we ended up deciding it may be better if we start NC. We then spent about 3 hours in my bed just crying and holding each other. This was the first time we had really seen each other cry. It was getting late and I was kind of hinting it was time for him to leave, but he didn't want to move. He just stayed in bed holding me. So, it was definitely an emotional time for both of us. So, we are now in NC mode. Except, I accidentally broke NC because I bumped into him on the street! Honestly, what were the chances? I just said hi and that I was late and had to run. We have a mutual friend's birthday party this weekend and of course we'll be seeing each other there. But pretty much after that, it's full NC mode. I hope I'm doing the right thing. Obviously, I really want us to be together. but I'm already starting to move on with my life. I've started going out and catching up with old friends and keeping busy. But what do you think are the chances for reconciliation in this case?
Kristie16 Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 Hi everyone, I just wanted to share my story and hope that people can provide some advice. The backstory I've been dating this guy for 3 months. I'm his first relationship; he's had a few short term dates. Things seem to be going well until one day he was really acting weird and said it was because of exams. A week later, he told me we should break up because he's having a difficult time balancing school and a relationship. He thought he was able to balance it, but the day he was acting really weird he said he was feeling frustrated and was mad at everyone but didn't want to take it out on me. Hence why he wanted the relationship to end. The situation We have a lot of mutual friends. And on Saturday night, he wanted to hang out with our mutual friends. This was perfectly fine with me. I thought everything would be fine, we would be civil and get along as friends - which is what we agreed to after the breakup. But at the bar, I just felt an insane amount of awkwardness and jealousy as people kept going up to him asking for his number and grinding with him. I had to step out once just to collect my thoughts and rationalize the fact that I'm no longer with him and people are going to try to hit on him. The talk That night we talked on the phone. We still seem to be able to have decent conversations on the phone. I just asked the question why he really wanted to end things between us and I allowed him to be as honest as possible (basically I really did want to know if it was something I did or didn't do in order to prevent it next time I'm in a relationship). But his reasons for the breakup was still the same and I was perfect in the relationship (i.e. wasn't controlling, wasn't smothering, didn't have a single fight, etc.). Next steps So, I'm basically left with the feeling whether I need to fight to get this relationship back? I've usually been able to accept breakups and try to move on. However, this time around I have a hard time accepting the breakup. So this brings up a few questions and I hope for some objective answers since emotions are clouding my judgement: 1) Should I fight to have him back and together figure out how to find balance in our lives? 2) Should I remove myself from our mutual friends because I know he really needs them and it might just get harder for me to socialize with them at the bar? Ok, that's it for me now. Hope everyone had a great weekend! I'm not exactly sure how old you are. College age I'm assuming? I never dated until late college and only just got out of my first serious relationship. (I'm 25). I just broke up with my boyfriend and one factor was feeling stretched too thin. I can tell you one thing, and I know many people may not understand this, but when you are alone for sooo long, it can become challenging to factor someone else into things. It's just a totally different mindset. At first it's really nice, because it's so interesting and different. But it can definitely be an adjustment. It doesn't sound like you were needy or anything, but it can be a shock for someone who's not used to having two instead of one. After I realized the challenges of having someone else in my life (with their own plans, needs, emotions, etc), I realized I needed to really like the person and feel there was a future for me to put in that amount of effort. (This may be selfish, but it's what I decided.) Because I didn't feel that with the ex-bf, I broke it off. People who have been dating (even casually) since high school often have a hard time understanding the change in mindset other people who didn't date for a long time have to adjust too. I just think that's one factor that maybe could be in play here. Just my two cents.
magda Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 I think you should try to move on, and date again. Maybe then he'll see a reason to commit to you. Or maybe you'll find someone you enjoy more.
Author azulcosa Posted February 26, 2011 Author Posted February 26, 2011 Kristie16 - you may be right. I recall during are discussions that he said "I'm scared I won't be able to say 'I love you' and actually mean it." So, I feel like the issue is either fear of commitment, or maybe he just didn't see a future together. Either way, nothing I can do about it. Thanks everyone for your input so far!
Author azulcosa Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 Doh! I broke NC with a text message. Darn my lack of sleep and not being able to think straight in the morning! He just replied, but I haven't texted anything back. I'll probably just keep it friendly and not make a big deal about it. Probably the best strategy at this point. Although, on the plus side, I think I'm slowly coming to terms with things. Just been trying to put things in perspective in life and keeping busy spending time on me.
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