Byren Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 (edited) Hey guys, I don't know if any of you know my story, but basically my ex and I mainly broke up over her wanting to talk about kids, marriage, mortgages, pretty much the future in general. I wasn't ready. The thing is, a couple of months on I've fulfilled my own criteria so that I'd be comfortable in doing that, for me that was getting the right job so I could comfortably think about the future, so that I knew that everything else was in place and I'd be happy in my job AND be able to provide. Unfortunately we're not back together yet, which is obviously filling me with lots of questions... admittedly I haven't spoken to her about 'us' since I got the job, I had done a lot to try and get her back beforehand so I decided that it would be best to leave it to her to come to me. So anyway, enough about me, my question is this: Has anyone here been in a similar situation where a break-up occurred when one partner was in a different place in the relationship than the other and have gotten back together weeks, months, YEARS later? Perhaps you know someone who has? Edited February 13, 2011 by Byren
betterdeal Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 I know two couples who have got back together several years later and gone on to have children. I've personally been in and out of relationships with two different women at different times in my life, and am close to restarting a relationship with a third one. It happens. What attracted you to each other to start with is still there. Ask yourself, what's changed about myself that makes it more likely we as a couple can deal with life's ups and downs better this time? You have a job now, which is great, but jobs do come and go, so, between the two of you, you need to work out how to deal with the stress of a job loss, else you'll have a fairweather relationship that you abandon when you're down on your luck. I was like that. I realise now that, as much as I like being the main source of financial income, it's possible to be a man and be down on your luck, and in a loving relationship. It sounds like you're insecure about this aspect of a relationship in the same way I was. If the woman you were involved with expects you to be the main earner all of the time, that's a responsibility I am not able to commit to. Most of the time, sure, but all of the time, no. I can't make that promise. That said, we never discussed that, so I was jumping the gun and forming an opinion based largely on how I saw my mother live a hard life as my father was unable to maintain financial security in later life, and was previously the main earner. Whoever you get involved with next (be it your former lover or someone new) take some time to discuss this with them. Tell her how you feel about being the breadwinner, and ask how she feels about that sort of thing too. It sounds like your girl was being overly ambitious and you were being overly cautious. Try and meet somewhere in the middle.
Author Byren Posted February 14, 2011 Author Posted February 14, 2011 Thanks for replying betterdeal, I'm quite used to being down on my luck job-wise, so it wouldn't effect me as much if I were to lose this one - the difference with this job is it's an actual break into an industry that's incredibly hard to get into, so this isn't just any job, this one means that I could move into another position from here, something I couldn't really do before. As well as this job I've been learning how to play the bond markets from my dad (he's a GP during the day and a day trader during the night - odd combo, right? lol) so this is another source of income that I could eventually take advantage of. Anyway, this isn't all about money, but to have kids, a wedding and a house someday I need to have SOME kind of security. Somehow she didn't see that, she thought that I would never feel like I'd have enough money and that I'd never pull the trigger and get married to her etc. Thanks again betterdeal, it's nice to know that people can get together again over things like this. my ex is coming over in a week and a bit to see me and the mutual friends that I'm now living with, I think I might bring this up then and see what happens
betterdeal Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 Good to hear that, Byren. Maybe set some realistic goals, such as "when we have 5,000 saved, we'll set a date for a wedding" and determine how much you can save between you each month. That way, you'd be satisfied with the need for security and she'll have something concrete to show that you're not just putting it off because you don't want to do it, and you can both see it progressing. It sounds mundane and planned, but spontaneity is for the day to day fun and love of life, whilst a bit of planning and saving up is how you stop outside pressures interfering in that.
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