TerminalMan Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 (edited) You've probably heard some dating "experts" say that you should have a list of 5 to 10 "must haves" and "can't stands" when you are in the dating game (which is NOT a game to me). And online dating sites (which I don't participate in) love those lists. Ugh. You know, such as: MUST have a job / Can't be a ________. Does this work for anyone? If anyone has a great list that works for them, I'd love to see it. Or if it's a waste of time, say so. I know you should look at each person/situation individually, but I'm wondering if strict guidelines help or hinder you. Thanks And if there is a similar current post already, my apologies. Couldn't find one via search. Edited February 13, 2011 by TerminalMan
Intricategirl Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 I think you have to have a list, whether it's written down or not. It's called boundaries, and knowing what you find personally acceptable. For some women, it's concrete things, like the job thing you mentioned. Not me. Mine are more personality traits. So, for me: Must be confident, respectful, caring, trustworthy, and understanding. Can't stand arrogance, explanations, neediness, a poor sense of self, immaturity. And I know all that sounds good and pretty, and like what I'm supposed to say. But I really mean it. The most recent guy I dated was not an understanding person, and we're done. One ex-boyfriend was rude to a sales clerk in a store. I called him on it right there, and that was the last time I saw him in person. I had an ex that made over $250000 a year, and didn't seem to get that it's really irrelevant to me how much he makes. I ended things because he was disrespectful. Meanwhile, a recent ex that was always kind and respectful towards me is still in my life. I hung out last night with him and his new girlfriend and some other friends, and had a great time. And any future guys will have to be just as respectful as he was.
Eeyore79 Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 (edited) I do have some strict guidelines, and if a guy matches one of my deal breakers I don't proceed. I don't date divorced men, men with kids, men without a college education, smokers, or men who I find unattractive (even if they're lovely people). In practice I'm flexible on the last two; if he was willing to quit smoking, or was at least acceptable looking and non-repulsive, I'd consider dating him. I don't really have any general "must haves"; I evaluate each guy individually. I guess he needs to have a job, or at least be doing something constructive and making an effort to find work. He also has be a decent guy, and must like my dog! If he's a good dancer, I'll be all over him like a rash - I adore men who take me out dancing Edited February 13, 2011 by Eeyore79
Author TerminalMan Posted February 13, 2011 Author Posted February 13, 2011 Thank you, those are great answers! I agree about the personality trait thing as well, Intricategirl. I've been out with some lovely women who lacked basic manners and courtesy, and were extremely disrespectful of me and my time. It was over after 1 or 2 dates, trust me. And right on about people who are rude to clerks, waitresses, etc. It's a sign that they either lack basic empathy, or are very self-centered. Rapid personality shifts (usually to something ugly, or the "hot-cold" type) are a big turn-off, too. If I want to date more than one person at a time, I prefer they be in different physical bodies. Communication and honesty... always a must, without saying. Unfortunately, they are as rare as dark matter. It's hard to find someone stable out there, but I guess the right kind of lists (whether concrete or general) can certainly help keep you from wasting your time. Experience is a great teacher. If people want to play games, they should get a PS3, not a boyfriend/girlfriend.
EasyHeart Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Must have: Boobies Must NOT have: A Weiner
SmileFace Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Must have: Boobies Must NOT have: A Weiner WIN!!(fuller)
Lauriebell82 Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 When I was dating I had a list, my husband meets all of my "must haves." Must-haves: good job, college graduate, athletic/muscular, smart, caring, respectful, confident, good family, tall Can't-stands: Liars, cheaters (even if in past relationships), uses profanity frequently, drug/alcohol issues, disrespectful, smokers, divorced men, men with children, short
Intricategirl Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 See, stuff like the good job and college education are meaningless to me. I'm not employed in the traditional sense, as I am a freelance writer, student, artist, and commercial property owner. I am fortunate enough that I am able to stay at home and create my own work and indulge my own interests. And if I met a guy that was independently wealthy, good for him. I'm infinitely more interested in what he does for fun than what he does for work, because I have no intention of spending time with him at work, but if he wants me to go bowling with him, we're probably not going to hang out very long. Regarding college education, the worst player I've ever dated had a PhD in computers and was working on robotic equipment that will allow surgeons to do surgery from a remote location. Nothing short of brilliant, but a complete ass. On the other side, a recent guy I dated was a college dropout, but avid reader, and one of the most educated people I've ever met. I just don't personally set these as criteria because as soon as I do, I meet someone who gets a pass on a technicality.
Nexus One Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 (edited) When I was dating I had a list, my husband meets all of my "must haves." Must-haves: good job, college graduate, athletic/muscular, smart, caring, respectful, confident, good family, tall Can't-stands: Liars, cheaters (even if in past relationships), uses profanity frequently, drug/alcohol issues, disrespectful, smokers, divorced men, men with children, short I use profanity frequently, even though I have a university degree. I say f*ck and sh*t quite a lot more than most people. It can mean that you speak from the heart, are passionate about what you say. Although I can very well refrain from it when I have to and do so in many if not most situations. In my opinion it kind depends on the person who is expressing the profanity and the reason they're expressing it for. Is it to insult people or is it to eloquently make a valid point? Granted though, I sometimes do swear in several languages for the fun of it: Fick deine Mutter du Schwein. Fique ta mere tu cochon. Puta! Kurwa! I know lots more too! Edited February 13, 2011 by Nexus One
waynebrady Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 To the women who say college education as a must have. What if the man earned good money even though he didn't have a college education? Because I assume saying "college education" is really just a different way of saying "must have a good job"... My father earns alot of money and he never went to college. I know several more examples. And if it's about intelligence... Going to college doesn't guarantee that. Alot of intelligent people never went to college and alot of un-intelligent did. If a smart, intelligent guy who also earned alot of money but never went to college wanted to be with you, would you reject him? Because of what exactly? I'm just curious what the reasons are.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 To the women who say college education as a must have. What if the man earned good money even though he didn't have a college education? Because I assume saying "college education" is really just a different way of saying "must have a good job"... My father earns alot of money and he never went to college. I know several more examples. And if it's about intelligence... Going to college doesn't guarantee that. Alot of intelligent people never went to college and alot of un-intelligent did. If a smart, intelligent guy who also earned alot of money but never went to college wanted to be with you, would you reject him? Because of what exactly? I'm just curious what the reasons are. A college eduation was one my requirements because it was important to me, so I'd want a partner who that was important to as well. It's not so much the "good job" aspect either, there are lots of college grads who work as waiters. Having a college education is a positive thing because you always have it to fall back on. So if you lose your job or decide to change careers, it would be EASIER to find another job as opposed to someone who doesn't have a degree.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 I use profanity frequently, even though I have a university degree. I say f*ck and sh*t quite a lot more than most people. It can mean that you speak from the heart, are passionate about what you say. Although I can very well refrain from it when I have to and do so in many if not most situations. In my opinion it kind depends on the person who is expressing the profanity and the reason they're expressing it for. Is it to insult people or is it to eloquently make a valid point? Granted though, I sometimes do swear in several languages for the fun of it: Fick deine Mutter du Schwein. Fique ta mere tu cochon. Puta! Kurwa! I know lots more too! It's funny, you'd think I was talking about LS men personally. I really don't swear a lot, so I wanted a man with similar values. I feel it's disrespectful and vulgar to continuously say the f word. Just my personal preference, I'm sure not all women feel that way!
Duckduckgoose Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Must haves: Stability, humor, intelligence, steady job, attractive (to me), honesty, maturity, not a cheater, communication, goals in life, respectful, common sense NO WAYS: Smoking, disrespectful, player, cheater, jerk, immature, mooch, desperate(lol), commitment-phobe, does not take care of self (I am healthy and active), addictions (drugs, alcohol, porn, games, tv, whatever). There are probably more I am missing. And Termimalman...I am just about the most honest person you would meet. I really really hate lying and avoid it at all costs.
Jazzari Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Financially well off. Intelligent and quick witted. Good sense of humor. Honest. Confident. Family oriented. Loves dogs. Physically affectionate. Loves outdoors. Easy going. Non-smoker No drugs No emotional attachments to ex (good or bad) No children under 10 years old No adrenaline junkies No city boys No doctors
january2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 I have those lists and have revised them numerous times, which suggests that I'm pretty flexible or the cynics might say that I don't know what I want. I've written before that I believe that every relationship dynamic is unique and that both people and circumstances change. Therefore, it is a negotiation of sorts, more of an "if this, then that" situation rather than a "must have this but must not have that."
Nexus One Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 It's funny, you'd think I was talking about LS men personally. I really don't swear a lot, so I wanted a man with similar values. I feel it's disrespectful and vulgar to continuously say the f word. Just my personal preference, I'm sure not all women feel that way! Saying it continuously without a proper context or reason for it could indeed sound trashy.
Eeyore79 Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 If a smart, intelligent guy who also earned alot of money but never went to college wanted to be with you, would you reject him? Because of what exactly? I'm just curious what the reasons are. I'd be ok with that. When I say I want someone who went to college, what I really mean is I want someone with a decent job and a modicum of intelligence and culture. Most intelligent people who end up in decent jobs have gone to college; I've never met any smart successful people who didn't, but I guess there may be some out there, even if there aren't many. If I met one of those rare guys who was clever and doing well in life despite not having a college degree, I'd happily date him.
Gypsy_Soul Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 Sure, I'd take a man who earns good money over having a college education. He has to be cultured, worldly or open to it. I don't like closed minds. To the women who say college education as a must have. What if the man earned good money even though he didn't have a college education? Because I assume saying "college education" is really just a different way of saying "must have a good job"... My father earns alot of money and he never went to college. I know several more examples. And if it's about intelligence... Going to college doesn't guarantee that. Alot of intelligent people never went to college and alot of un-intelligent did. If a smart, intelligent guy who also earned alot of money but never went to college wanted to be with you, would you reject him? Because of what exactly? I'm just curious what the reasons are.
sweetjasmine Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 Must have: Boobies Must NOT have: A Weiner Sheesh, talk about entitled!
Disillusioned Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 Must have: affectionate Can't stand: you Just kidding... but seriously, the woman's not born yet who isn't mean-spirited.
Back Burner Gal Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 Must have: wiener Must not have: boobs Also must be employed. I'd hang around with someone I had a commitment with lost his job through no fault of his own, but to start off with someone, he must be employed. He also must make as much as me, and handle his money well. That means pays his bills, has insurance, funds his retirement, etc... That's responsible. Absolutely no addictions. Sorry, I don't care if you are recovering for 10 years, I've done the addicted partner thing before and NEVER AGAIN. There's a miserable agony that cannot even be explained. I won't risk it. That means no addiction to alcohol, drugs, rx, gambling, sex, porn, or gaming. Smoking I prefer not to, but will tolerate it if you are a responsible smoker. I hate addictions, just hate them. No temper. People who blow up and yell and say mean things--nope, take it elsewhere. We all have disappointments, get stomped on, have unfair things happen to us, endure misunderstandings and bad luck. We all get hurt by our loved ones on occasiion and we all hurt our loved ones occasionally too. There's no excuse for bullying, name calling, intimidation, threatening...I just won't tolerate it. Cheating/lying. Don't have time for it. It's a misery I don't want to involve myself in. If you at 45 and haven't learned to live honestly and straightforwardly, I'm sorry for you, and I'll pass. The best people in my life who have added the most value to my life and have made me the happiest have all been people I didn't have to 'give a second chance' to. No drama. I don't want to deal with your 23 year old kid who can't cope with life, find a job or stay in school, or your mother who has emotional breakdowns every other week and is needy, whiny, and depressed, or your sister who lives from crisis to crisis, or your brother who can't stay out of jail, or your exwife who is stalking you or taking you to court every six months. I know you can't help that other people mess up their lives, but you can help how involvedd (codependent) you are. Mental/emotional stability is a must. I'm not interested in people with bipolar or severe depression or post traumatic stress or obsessive compulsive or anxiety disorders, etc... I'm sorry your brain doesn't is letting you don't. I have sympathy, absolutely. It's a terrible thing to have these problems. But...I don't want them in my life. I can't help them, I can't make it go away, but these problems can severely negativelly impact my life. Where there was one unhappy person, there are now two. I can't fix your problem, but your problem can break me. Reliability. If you say you are going to do something, do it. I'm not interested in weird sexuality. No crossdressers (sorry, I don't hold it against you, but I'm not interested), no swingers, or S&M, fetishes, or gross things with feces and urine. Fine if you like it; but it does nothing for me. You should do what you like, but I'm not going to be pressured into things I don't like, and I'm not going to feel guilty for depriving you. It's best we stay away from each other. Must have a sense of humor and be good natured. Of course sense of humor is subjective. It's got to match mine. I have to feel the spark. Fortunately I'm not too interested in conventionally handsome men. However, I insist on there being that indefinable something that sets my heart racing just upon seeing your face. That's my list: Wiener No boobs Employed Financially responsible No addictions No cheating/lying Reliable Mentally/emotionally healthy No drama A match sexually A match in temperment That's not unreasonable.
Leeway Harris Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 Oh yeah, I can play this game. Must have: Natural red hair, big breasts, trust fund, classical training as an opera singer, fluency in at least one Scandinavian language. Give me a break.
Disillusioned Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 Sounds like we could all use partners with traits custom-cloned for us. Whoops! I forgot---human cloning is (*gasp!*) immoral!
Nexus One Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 Sounds like we could all use partners with traits custom-cloned for us. Whoops! I forgot---human cloning is (*gasp!*) immoral! If there's profit in it, then eventually, they'll make it happen.
Lorelai Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 Oh yeah, I can play this game. Must have: Natural red hair, big breasts, trust fund, classical training as an opera singer, fluency in at least one Scandinavian language. Give me a break. I've got the first two!
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