cloudstoday Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Sorry all in advance, I just need to vent so badly! I’m so sleepy, but I feel so ****ty and sad. And miss my ex so much right now. I’m having so much trouble believing this is real. That he truly doesn’t want me anymore, and that I’m not going to get to be held by him ever again. He's never going to kiss me again. I’m never going to fall asleep with him again. I miss him, oh god so much. He texted last night and it somehow changed so much for me. It made me realize he still cares about and he’s hurting too. But I can’t go back to the nights where I would sneak off to the bathroom to cry because I felt so uncared for, so much like I couldn't be myself. But how do I get through this? I’m so sick of feeling sad and lonely all the time. I want to call him, see how he’s doing, see what he’s thinking about, if he misses me too. I want so much to have him hold me right now. I want to feel beautiful and loved like the night he told me he loved me too. I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t want to feel the tight throated sadness that creeps up constantly whenever I’m not trying to distract myself. So now what? I’m not talking to him, I’m sticking to my gut instinct that if I call it will all be worse. I wish I didn’t care about him anymore, that I could move on. I just want to be held, I want him to smooth his hands down my back and tell me how much he loves me, how he can’t get enough of me. I want to curl up next him when I crawl into bed tonight. I want him to roll over as I get under the covers and pull me against him and nuzzle into my neck and sigh out how happy he is. And I can’t. I can’t and that hurts most of all. That I want him so very much and it’s this total forever impossibility. I miss being held. I hate sleeping alone. I want to know that I’m not going to be alone forever. That I deserve to loved, that I don’t have to change who I am to be loved. I want to feel loved. Mostly right now I’m just longing to sleep with him. To have him breathing steadily beside me when I drift off tonight. I don’t want to dream about him again all night only to wake up in the morning to his empty side of the bed. It hurts too much. It’s always a shock. I hate him for not trying. For dumping me as soon as it got the least bit hard. I deserved better! I deserved having someone willing to talk about the difficult stuff. I would have gone through all that, listened to whatever he had to say but he dumped me instead. And now I have to be in all this pain. Now I have to get through this alone, because he left me. Alone. I am alone and I don’t want anyone else but him. This isn’t fair. He shouldn’t be allowed to do this to me. He shouldn’t be allowed to just break my heart. I should have been allowed to have a say. It’s my heart. I feel broken. So tired. So lonely. So much crying.
Duckduckgoose Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Wash the bedsheets and quilts and pillows if you haven't already. They will smell like him and that will make you crazy. As for empty bed... I put pillows there when my stbxH left and I snuggle those instead. Just as warm and don't snort, elbow me in the face, stick armpit in face, stink, sweat, etc. Maybe give your pet a good bath and let them sleep in the bed? It really helps to type about it so just keep doing it. Most of us have felt what you are feeling and unfortunately you gotta go through all the feelings... no coupons or shortcuts for healing. I wish there was though
new0726 Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 I completely understand where you are coming from. I have barely been sleeping at all since she has been gone. In fact I find it easier to sleep out on the couch, helps me feel a lot less alone. I hope things get better for you! You will find someone that deserves you and makes you just as happy as you make them. Good luck.
2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 I hope you don't mind me asking what actually happened with your break up? 2011
snug.bunny Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 cloudstoday I am so sorry you are hurting so badly. Its one of the worst feelings in the world. I echo the Wash the bedsheets and quilts and pillows if you haven't already. except, maybe burn them instead that way you won't be reminded.
Country_Girl Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 I'm guessing the breakup is still fresh? I can promise it will get better, and time will heal. It took a little over a month for that sinking hole in your heart feeling to go away (for me). And the longing for a close person's touch, well, sometimes I still crave that but not nearly as much. I'm sorry you're going through this :-(
Author cloudstoday Posted February 13, 2011 Author Posted February 13, 2011 Thanks everyone, I honestly felt a little better after just spilling all of that out. Nights are the worst. I wrote about the break up a bit before but the short version is just that I knew I needed to be in a relationship with someone who was emotionally available and I thought that was him. I was supposed to be moving to his city this summer, and was feeling nervous about leaving all my friends and family behind. But whenever I tried to broach the subject he'd push me away saying how much he hated these talks about feelings and the future. I think he thought he was going to be solely responsible for me while I was there, as if I couldn't find friends or things to do with myself. It came to a head two weeks ago when I told him I was scared all this stuff was going to happen without us talking about it. That he just expected this to be easy and for me to go along with what he wanted no questions asked. That I needed to be able to tell him how I felt about it. And he got all cold and said that he just hadn't been feeling comfortable in the relationship lately and he didn't want to have to know how I felt or he felt all the time. That he just couldn't be there for me. And that was it. Not entirely, obviously but, essentially he didn't want to have to try for it, he wanted it to be this seamless always happy thing he never had to think about. And I didn't want to try to be perfect anymore. But wow, after sleeping with someone every night for that long, it's so unbearably lonely to be sleeping alone. He texted me Friday night to say how miserable he was, which made last night just that much harder. I keep wondering randomly why we're not trying again if we're both so unhappy apart, but I can't be this person who doesn't feel. So so far I've resisted the longing to call him... But last night I came close. Even had his number ready on my phone. I wrote on here instead luckily. I hate feeling so lonely all the time. I like your suggestion about the bedsheets though, lol, burning them or at least getting a new set. Somehow they still smell like him even after washing. I bought a new loofah cause the old one smelled like his body wash. Sigh.
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