woops1805 Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 I have known this girl for 9 months and have became good friends. I found out I had deeper feelings for her and wanted to take it to the next level. Long story short: finally found the opportunity to ask her to go out with me. No sooner as I asked, she said she saw me as a good friend. . I kinda cut her off from saying anything more as I didn't want her to get too awkward, and any excuse will be a lie. I just found it tough, that she is the first girl I have asked out, and I have invested a lot of time with her as friends to get to know her. I risked the friendship as I had to know the answer. So I misread all the signals. We have many mutual friends, and I do have strong feelings for her. Not sure how it will affect the friendship, keeping our distances apart, less group events. I plan to write an email saying something along the lines: 1) sorry for the awkward moment but I had to ask 2) still be friends go back to normal (I'm just saying this, but it won't be normal for me) 3) won't bring up the topic again unless she changes her mind I just feel I need to explain, share with her what I was feeling. Ok - I'm just really hoping she may change her mind in the future. Its my form of closure. I want to her to know what I felt for her, giving a bit more detail. Has anyone had a rejection experience and reconnected ? Now I can only guess why she was not into me ? looks, job, confidence, personality... It will take awhile for me to recover. She ticked all my boxes. so hard to find the right person, then harder for them to respond in kind. Thanks for listening, just had to share this with someone.
K.K. Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Aw I'm sorry that she didn't return the feelings. I've been there, it sucks. But I've also been on her end. Where a guy that I had been friends with showed all this interest in me as something more and I just didn't feel the same way, ya know? In fact, it shocked me sometimes that they would feel this way. Then it made me treat them different cause everything got awkward. Hey man, it's chemistry. It's either there for both people or it's not. Try not to be angry at her or anything. She probably values your friendship more than you know and doesn't want to lose it. She just, at this time, can't feel the same way. Who knows what could happen down the road but for now, just value your time with her as a friend. I probably wouldn't make it more awkward by sending any e-mails or anything like that. In fact, I'd probably never mention it again. Then later down the road.. if she's ever diggin you... you can say , "well yea I did like you but you blew me off so lol..."
K.K. Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Hey which reminds me of that movie, "Some Kind of Wonderful" where the guy thinks he wants one girl but ends up realizing that he loves his best friend instead. OMG BEST MOVIE EVER.
Yamaha Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Were you interested in more from the beginning but thought you would let her see what a great guy you were and be her buddy? Next time when you see a gal that interests you you ask her on a date and then get to know her ( by dating ).
Seamless74 Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Hey which reminds me of that movie, "Some Kind of Wonderful" where the guy thinks he wants one girl but ends up realizing that he loves his best friend instead. OMG BEST MOVIE EVER. Yeah it is a great movie.. one of the few movies eric stultz doesnt die in lol.. but remember its just a movie.. Yeah bro you officially choked it off... 9 months without making a move is pretty bad.. i dont know what to say its just bad... put her in a pretty awkward spot. agree with the previous poster you gotta do this type of **** up front not on the backend. good luck.
Author woops1805 Posted February 13, 2011 Author Posted February 13, 2011 Aw I'm sorry that she didn't return the feelings. I've been there, it sucks. But I've also been on her end. Where a guy that I had been friends with showed all this interest in me as something more and I just didn't feel the same way, ya know? In fact, it shocked me sometimes that they would feel this way. Then it made me treat them different cause everything got awkward. Hey man, it's chemistry. It's either there for both people or it's not. Try not to be angry at her or anything. She probably values your friendship more than you know and doesn't want to lose it. She just, at this time, can't feel the same way. Who knows what could happen down the road but for now, just value your time with her as a friend. I probably wouldn't make it more awkward by sending any e-mails or anything like that. In fact, I'd probably never mention it again. Then later down the road.. if she's ever diggin you... you can say , "well yea I did like you but you blew me off so lol..." I HAD to ask, just to find out the answer, as the uncertainty was unbearable. It is so difficult for me to ask someone out. Obviously I mistook the signals. From what I know her, she will value the friendship. I am in no way angry at her, and I still have strong feelings for her. I understand these things happen, but when you have a chance of happiness and it is taken away from you I just what to think I can do something to get it back. I will go down the road waiting on the sideline hoping there may be a change in mind. So K.K, when you said NO to your friend, was it quick NO, and that was the end of that, or was there more discussion between the two of you. She said no, something about good friends, and I said 'dont worry' and changed he subject. I asked on a night out, and she was with some her friends. I had a few minutes alone time and popped the question. After that, we talked about something else, which I cannot remember as I was heartbroken, and put on a face as I didn't want her to see my pain. No I don't think I will be invited for some group outings she organises:mad:. So no emails ? Can I say I hope we can still be friends, or I should not bother? I feel I need to explain myself a bit more. Do I just go or as if nothing has happened ? I guess she will never how deep my feelings for her: what I liked about her, when it started, how she made me happy. I will have to keep this to myself.
Author woops1805 Posted February 13, 2011 Author Posted February 13, 2011 Were you interested in more from the beginning but thought you would let her see what a great guy you were and be her buddy? Next time when you see a gal that interests you you ask her on a date and then get to know her ( by dating ). I'll try to keep that in mind, but we had a lot of mutual friends, and I valued the friendship as well, and just wanted more later.
U1987 Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 I have known this girl for 9 months I stopped reading there. Why the hell would you wait 9 MONTHS to ask a girl out?
Grinning Maniac Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Sounds like he didn't always have feelings for her.
carhill Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 I would recommend *not* being in contact with her until you have resolved your attraction to her. IOW, resolution as such where you can observe her kissing another guy and feel *happy* for her. I misread all the signals. Give me a list please. I'm working on a theory. Think about your closest male friend and how you interact in actions and words. What about her actions/words led you to 'misread' them as romantic rather than platonic? Specifics are appreciated. Thanks
Waitress Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Hey there. I have been on both sides of this type of situation and it is always a Pandora's Box. It is good that you said something or otherwise you might always have wondered. So, don't beat yourself up about that. As others have said, next time maybe strike sooner. But we can't turn back the clock. I would suggest stepping back for a while. Don't send the message explaining further. She gets it. We all know why you said what you said. But, if you step back you can regroup, recognize that there are lots of other fish in the sea and put things into perspective. And she can have time to wonder why you're not contacting her and maybe even miss you. Don't depend on that last part but it's the best way to make it a possibility, IMO.
Author woops1805 Posted February 13, 2011 Author Posted February 13, 2011 Give me a list please. I'm working on a theory. Think about your closest male friend and how you interact in actions and words. What about her actions/words led you to 'misread' them as romantic rather than platonic? Specifics are appreciated. Thanks - she gave me lifts home a few times - asked me out to any events she was organising, with her other girlfriends - talk bits and pieces about her personal life - felt there was a connection - and felt i had a chance Regardless, of what ever signals I may have mis-interpret. I liked her and I had to ask and I had to find out. No beating around the bush. At least its out there and the ball is in her court. She knows I have feelings and now I have my answer. Let the healing process begin.
carhill Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Thanks. Anything else, like kissing, lingering eye contact, flirtatious body language and/or touching? As you might surmise, I've been manipulated by some experts, so I want to solicit more subtle signs which could be misinterpreted. Sounds like things progressed well for you, though her feelings didn't match up. She appeared, after substantial contact, to be a potentially healthy partner, presumably in a fashion which is your customary romantic and attraction style. She did not feel likewise. This is OK. You don't owe her anything for the nine months and whatever she might lose from your absence now. Your relationship of that period was equal. Life is ever-moving and ever-changing. Now is time for another change. Hope it goes well
Jazzari Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 I would recommend *not* being in contact with her until you have resolved your attraction to her. IOW, resolution as such where you can observe her kissing another guy and feel *happy* for her.Is this possible? Can a guy who was a friend, then developed feelings, then was rejected - can he ever go back to being a friend? Or will he have those feelings forever? In my scenario, I was the girl who did the rejecting. He went NC, which I've respected but I miss my friend terribly.
carhill Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 I believe, the way it happened for the OP, that a resumption of a healthy friendship is possible. Why? Because they had a substantial friendship prior and she was clear and respectful in her rejection of him. I believe he still respects her, or will once the pain of rejection subsides. I don't know the OP but, for men who do not see women solely as potential sexual partners, and value their friendships, quality women are always in demand as both lovers *and* friends.
Author woops1805 Posted February 13, 2011 Author Posted February 13, 2011 As others have said, next time maybe strike sooner. But we can't turn back the clock. I would suggest stepping back for a while. Don't send the message explaining further. She gets it. We all know why you said what you said. But, if you step back you can regroup, recognize that there are lots of other fish in the sea and put things into perspective. And she can have time to wonder why you're not contacting her and maybe even miss you. Don't depend on that last part but it's the best way to make it a possibility, IMO. Does striking sooner make any difference. In your situation, if someone asked you earlier would it of made a difference. With me, the feelings grew to a point I had to find out for certain. I may have moved sooner, but she is part of my network of friends. I will take your advice and not send any explanation. I did see her again at another group event, and I already felt the distance. Just the normal hi and bye, so our other friends were none the wiser. There will be future group events, and now I probably have to exclude myself from them to avoid her. Dammit, they are some of my friends too:lmao: I know there are plenty of fish in the sea, but when my rod has been for so long, and I was happy I got a nibble. I hope she misses me, as I think she valued our friendship. If she changes her mind, hopefully she will let me know in a non-subtle way, as I'm crap at signals now. I will back off for awhile and re-assess. Thanks for your advice Waitress.
Jazzari Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 I believe, the way it happened for the OP, that a resumption of a healthy friendship is possible. Why? Because they had a substantial friendship prior and she was clear and respectful in her rejection of him. I believe he still respects her, or will once the pain of rejection subsides. I don't know the OP but, for men who do not see women solely as potential sexual partners, and value their friendships, quality women are always in demand as both lovers *and* friends.Thanks. That gives me a bit of hope in my own situation and I hope it works out for the OP as well.
carhill Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 I only have two datapoints to share, both professional associations who were also friends, and found it to be comfortable to interact within a few months and it took about a year to *feel* comfortable with and supportive of them talking about their love interests and/or pending nuptials. The clear commonality was the respect and care with which they treated me prior (a *balanced* friendship) and the clarity of their rejection ('I don't have interest in dating you' or 'I don't feel that way about you'). No ambiguity there
Waitress Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 Does striking sooner make any difference. In your situation, if someone asked you earlier would it of made a difference. With me, the feelings grew to a point I had to find out for certain. I may have moved sooner, but she is part of my network of friends. I will take your advice and not send any explanation. I did see her again at another group event, and I already felt the distance. Just the normal hi and bye, so our other friends were none the wiser. There will be future group events, and now I probably have to exclude myself from them to avoid her. Dammit, they are some of my friends too:lmao: I know there are plenty of fish in the sea, but when my rod has been for so long, and I was happy I got a nibble. I hope she misses me, as I think she valued our friendship. If she changes her mind, hopefully she will let me know in a non-subtle way, as I'm crap at signals now. I will back off for awhile and re-assess. Thanks for your advice Waitress. The reason I said strike sooner is because when single men and women meet they are going to be assessing one another as potential partners. And one of the things which makes me "friend zone" a guy (I hate that term!) is being unsure if he thinks of me romantically. A girl might get used to not associating you with being asked out or potential mate. I think you're doing the right thing not sending an explanation. Get on with your life. And enjoy! It really is hard to get on with things when you get a nibble after nothing for a long time but she won't be the last gal to nibble. Oh, and I don't think you'll be estranged from your friends forever. No tears.
dispatch3d Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 The reason I said strike sooner is because when single men and women meet they are going to be assessing one another as potential partners. And one of the things which makes me "friend zone" a guy (I hate that term!) is being unsure if he thinks of me romantically. A girl might get used to not associating you with being asked out or potential mate. I think you're doing the right thing not sending an explanation. Get on with your life. And enjoy! It really is hard to get on with things when you get a nibble after nothing for a long time but she won't be the last gal to nibble. Oh, and I don't think you'll be estranged from your friends forever. No tears. This seems like a multipart problem. If you were a very confident guy who believed most women want to date you (pretend for a second) then this sort of thing wouldn't really happen. I'm not sure of your intentions when you first started being "friends" with these women. It's possible you - hoped - they would date you. In that case, I would say confidence is a problem. You aren't really coming from a place of power when you ask a girl out after being her friend for 9 months and cite the reason she should like you is because she values the friendship. Kinda got to put yourself out there earlier, ya know? The other thing is I feel like you are too all or nothing about this. Either your dating or you aren't. I don't think relationships are as much a logical thing as an emotional thing. Therefore, asking her logically "Will you date me" won't work nearly as well as... well trying to sleep with her, trying to make out with her, etc. etc.
Author woops1805 Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 Thanks. Anything else, like kissing, lingering eye contact, flirtatious body language and/or touching? As you might surmise, I've been manipulated by some experts, so I want to solicit more subtle signs which could be misinterpreted. We did go dancing once with her and another girl together. One guy, two girls . Thats as much touching I got. Probably not then. I mistook friendship and saw what I wanted to see. She probably saw me as better than a normal friend, and showed slightly more affection. Signals are too confusing, really need to ask straight out to get a definite answer.
Author woops1805 Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 I believe, the way it happened for the OP, that a resumption of a healthy friendship is possible. Why? Because they had a substantial friendship prior and she was clear and respectful in her rejection of him. I believe he still respects her, or will once the pain of rejection subsides. I don't know the OP but, for men who do not see women solely as potential sexual partners, and value their friendships, quality women are always in demand as both lovers *and* friends. Nicely said. A bit more about me - I am a very shy person, and it was a BIG effort for me to ask her out. I met her on a group weekend trip, and over time saw more of her. Hence, the friendship started from then. We started doing some community sort work together and over time my feelings grew for her. I held back from asking her then, as we were working on a project then. I asked her after the project had finished, as it would of been awkward to work together if she said no then. Her friendship has opened up new social circles and they have been other enjoyable times. It is true, that I do not looking at see women solely as potential sexual partners. (This is may where I may be going wrong, but thats me for now.) Once friends, my social circle opens, and there are more options and it allows me to assess and better spend my time of those I am interested in. I do not like the bar/club scene. Maybe I like her too much to see her hurt, and I rather suffer. I believe the ball is in my court to decide whether this friendship will continue, but it will not be the same. Another interesting thing I will like to share. On the night when I asked her, I was with some of her friends in a bar. She had intended to introduce one of her friends to me. She told me that, but I wasn't really paying attention of what she was saying, as at that point in time I had her alone for a few brief minutes, and thats when I asked her out. And she said NO:mad:. I think thats funny when I look back at it now. It would be funnier if I was not the person in the story, I will be seeing her this weekend as we have a group outing with friends. I think by then I will be able to compose myself. After that, she will be going on holidays for 1.5 months, and i may initiate drifting off until I am fine with the situation. Thats plenty of time of NC I hope.
carhill Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 She had intended to introduce one of her friends to me Yep, that's quality. Process the rejection and get back to it. Good luck
Author woops1805 Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 Is this possible? Can a guy who was a friend, then developed feelings, then was rejected - can he ever go back to being a friend? Or will he have those feelings forever? In my scenario, I was the girl who did the rejecting. He went NC, which I've respected but I miss my friend terribly. I believe they can be friends, but whether they can be as closer is a different matter. She has hurt me, and I will remember it. I do not blame her though. Every meet up, we will probably keep our distance - she to not give wrong signals and me, I just dont want it to get awkward, and respecting her wishes as well. Feelings may not be forever, but the memories will be. The fire that raged within me will need to be cooled down to embers. They are there to be ignited, but there will be no fire for now. I plan to go NC as well. I hope she misses me as well. It will be good to know that I'm still in her thoughts. Although you miss your friend terribly, know that he is suffering in pain as well.
Hopeful30 Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 DONT write an email, thats just creepy and desperate. She said no because she doesn't see you as a romantic partner. If you try to confess your feelings or make it seem like more than it was, you will push her away and make it worse. Just act like it never happened. Don't be extra nice to her, dont be extra sweet. Just continue the way you were going, because that seemed to work and this romantic, dating stuff isn't, so don't push it.
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