I'm ignoring but they won't go away. And I feel guilty b/c of it.

[LifesBeachy]

I've requested this person leave my life.

 

We broke up a good 3 months ago. Or should I be proper and say I told him we were on different path and it wasn't working out. I've already told them not to come over; they're not welcome. ... I'm not the type to block IMs/txts/emails and such. It seems against my moral grain. I do believe it will be in my best interested change all these. They also frequent the many of the same sites/forums and know my usernames.. I know they're watching. and I don't like it. It'd mean I'd have to change ALL of these/everything and I feel as though I'm being stripped away the freedom to just be content.... I can't heal from their psychosis when I see a message from them at any one of these places; them quoting me and such. And I get a daily "thinking of you....." in any various forms of communication. In addition to that other BS ramblings of too-late apologizes; how their day is going; what they're doing; them asking how i am; them reminding of our "good times"....

 

When I see them around and see a message from them, it throws me back to a treacherous time in my life filled with anxiety and fear. And they tried made me feel bad about myself-- so I re-feel all these bad emotions.

 

Then I'll cool down a bit and be happy until---BAM there they are again.

 

I had layed it down to him that it was over and I didn't want to see him. I am over him romantically and have zero desire to rekindle anything in the future..

 

Why do I feel guilty? Am I a bad person for refusing this "friendship" he's requesting..?

 

I can't tell him to "go away"? B/c then he'll think if he presses this hard in the future I'll "cave" thus always keeping us in this down-ward spiral?

Edited February 13, 2011 by LifesBeachy

[fun2bewith]

I've requested this person leave my life.

 

We broke up a good 3 months ago. Or should I be proper and say I told him we were on different path and it wasn't working out. I've already told them not to come over; they're not welcome. ... I'm not the type to block IMs/txts/emails and such. It seems against my moral grain. I do believe it will be in my best interested change all these. They also frequent the many of the same sites/forums and know my usernames.. I know they're watching. and I don't like it. It'd mean I'd have to change ALL of these/everything and I feel as though I'm being stripped away the freedom to just be content.... I can't heal from their psychosis when I see a message from them at any one of these places; them quoting me and such. And I get a daily "thinking of you....." in any various forms of communication. In addition to that other BS ramblings of too-late apologizes; how their day is going; what they're doing; them asking how i am; them reminding of our "good times"....

 

When I see them around and see a message from them, it throws me back to a treacherous time in my life filled with anxiety and fear. And they tried made me feel bad about myself-- so I re-feel all these bad emotions.

 

Then I'll cool down a bit and be happy until---BAM there they are again.

 

I had layed it down to him that it was over and I didn't want to see him. I am over him romantically and have zero desire to rekindle anything in the future..

 

Why do I feel guilty? Am I a bad person for refusing this "friendship" he's requesting..?

 

I can't tell him to "go away"? B/c then he'll think if he presses this hard in the future I'll "cave" thus always keeping us in this down-ward spiral?

 

Why do you refer to him as them and they? You sound a bit bitchy..

[LifesBeachy]

He was emotionally abusive and I'm having a difficult time with this and your comment stung a bit... I'm looking for support and/or a just a place to vent.

 

Are you saying I sound that way if I had kept with "he/him" consistently? Or because I no longer welcomed his disrespectful behavioral in my life and cut him out?

 

I fail to see how this particular accusation has any place in response to anything I've said. That or I'm a terribly poor representative of my emotions and what I'm going through.

 

Elaborate?

[depplover_1980]

Ignore that comment, not called for at all. Though being honest I thought there was more than one person the way it was written, but I realise you refer to him as 'them' as a way of detaching from it.

 

Anyway you need to point blank tell him 'I don't want you in my life, we can't be friends and I will no longer reply to you', then you must stop replying to any pleading, casual messages or guilt trips because he will try all of them. He is no longer your problem.

 

You have to be strong and stay firm for your own happiness, and he needs to learn its over because every time you reply you feed his hope of getting back with you.

[makelemonade1974]

I'm not sure the "silent treatment" without any explanation is the best way to go always. I would be polite consistently with "leave me alone please" or "I know this is tough for you but I don't want you in my life" or "please do not text me."

 

These are very clear messages that also show respect for the other person. I say this because I've been on the other end of this scenario and the silent treatment alone only makes a dumpee more desperate for contact.

 

You might consider one very clear and polite "this is the last time I am going to respond to you for such and such reason - so we can both heal from this or some such thing" and then ignore them. I know you are probably angry because this person was disrespectful to you, but don't sink to their level.

 

Like I said, my perspective is a bit skewed because I've been on the other end, but I do think had my ex respectfully requested that I not contact him, I would have respectfully complied with his wishes.

 

Good luck to you. I've been the dumper - of my ex-husband, and it's a hard situation whether you are the one who ended it or not.

[fun2bewith]

He was emotionally abusive and I'm having a difficult time with this and your comment stung a bit... I'm looking for support and/or a just a place to vent.

 

Are you saying I sound that way if I had kept with "he/him" consistently? Or because I no longer welcomed his disrespectful behavioral in my life and cut him out?

 

I fail to see how this particular accusation has any place in response to anything I've said. That or I'm a terribly poor representative of my emotions and what I'm going through.

 

Elaborate?

 

I am sorry to hear that, I was a bit unsensitive, had this kind of treatment done to me in the past when I was not the one deserving it...Without even thinking about your situation I just thought you were being mean....

 

I think the best is to tell him straight give him the logic and get it off your chest... Move on without fear...and if you need support come back to Ls and we will gladly support your decision...I am sorry if I was acting mean...

[makelemonade1974]

I think some dumpers think no contact is some sort of power contest - they felt out of control in the relationship, so by ending it they are taking back their power. I understand that. I've been there. But ignoring and not "caving" does not give you power to be independent, it merely gives you power to hurt the other person. You may feel he needs to be hurt, but I think it is better to just tell him what the deal is as far as contact goes. This is not "caving" - you HAVE your control already.

[LifesBeachy]

I'm definitely trying to detach. I do now think saying "he" too much just homes in and doesn't help me to space myself. And I definitely do not want to use his name... Partly because it's a defense mechanism and I also know for a fact he's trampled on to this forum before.

 

I'm going to go ahead and and gather what I want to say in one full swoop, for the next time he contacts me. Honestly, I thought it was "the end" last time; and he knew I wouldn't stand for him degrading me anymore. I do feel bad. I can't get over it. And, yeh I've been dumped and it is an awful spot to be in. This guy was just turned pretty brutal...even after I asked him for space so I could think. He went on a verbally/emotionally insulting rampage. And me growing more into complacency and old age, I just couldn't handle this. And I'm far more scared of him than anything.

 

I'm not trying for control. I just feel like he'll go on and on and beg for me to get back with him and beg and beg for me to see him making me feel like a heel...... By "caving" I meant I'd hope to not get involved in his rage-full outbursts and guilt trips. And he tries to make me feel obligated after he mentions all his "sacrifices" and "all we've been thru". My friends don't do this, I'm not going to accept this from him.

 

TFun2bewith. you weren't mean.. just a misunderstanding. Thank you for clarification! I understand from your POV now.

 

I'm just trying to heal from a spiral I ended up in..And I'm glad to have these replies. Thank you

[MidnightinMadrid]

I have to admit when i first read your thread ,I agreed with Fun2bewith and thought,wow,a callous dumper whose on a power trip,until you later explained your situation. The silent treatment is sort of in a way a sensitive subject since many posters and responders have been unfairly at the recieving end of it,I myself,included.

You may have your reasons for ignoring him,of course you want him out of your life. However I do agree with the others it is best to let him know this Once and very last time,that he should not contact you anymore. That itself shows youre a much better person than he is,because I kid you not,some people,or dumpers,will just ignore the person they dumped for no reason at all,all for a power trip.

I once read a thread where the situation seriously called for the poster to commence strict NC,basically for her life. If you feel that you are in the same danger,of course,do whatever you feel is right. If not,theres always tactful ways to handle things,then just ignoring the person,idk,its your call.

Edited February 13, 2011 by MidnightinMadrid

[Whatshername]

So, while generally NC is a necessity, to heal, when a person chooses to ignore you, it is sort of a power trip. I understand if it is constant, harassing, through all of the mean s available.

 

What is bad, is when you have no real closure and express yourself, needing a response, to talk it through, understand and are left with silence that is deafening.

 

Yes, it is a clue that NC was better than being ignored.

 

I hurt something awful. My brain is always coming up with something I feel I need to say to him. Normally I hold it in and cry myself to sleep, but have on occasion either left a voice mail or text, maybe like once a week for the last few weeks. No response, so I guess this might be considered intruding in his space, but so is the pain that robs me of sleep.