8 Months Later

[asdfasdf1234]

Hey Everyone,

 

This is a continuation of this where I give a little background, but you might not even need it.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t234035/

 

I'll give you the readers digest version.

 

Ever since I posted my original post in June I have been contacting my ex every 2 - 3 months. In the e-mail I express how I think I made a mistake, and I still love her. This is really how I feel. I have never felt anything close to anyone like I feel with her. We were together 5 years, and it is like I know everything about her. My favorite things are the things that might bother other people, but I find the endearing. I truly do feel like I made a horrible mistake, but I must say this: I wasn't 100% sure that she was the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. After getting on the dating seen for a while, and meeting lots of girls, I know for 100% certainty she is. I never dated in HS and most of college. She was pretty much my first serious GF, and the only girl I've ever said "I love you" to.

 

We have both been seeing other people. I dated a girl for four months from August - December and I broke it off as I felt bad because she loved me, and I just didn't feel the same way. My ex saw a guy pretty much starting a month after we broke, and continued until she broke it off the beginning of January (about 7 months).

 

Apparently, they were off and on; breaking up with each other every few weeks. She said that he felt pretty insecure because he could tell that she still loved me (she said this in a letter to my mom, I believe it was "how can I love him with only half a heart" - referring to the guy she was with).

 

We started hanging out on January 15th, and have been talking everyday and seeing each other a couple times a week (she is really busy with nursing and school).

 

So anyways what is weird is we haven't kissed yet. She says she just wants to be friends for now. The strange thing is we constantly talk about the future (i.e. trips we will make, buying a house together - pretty much all of the **** we dreamed of doing together). She even spent the night last night in my bed... but we didn't do anything. This is all very strange for me.

 

I will say this however: she is very unpromiscuous. That is one of the qualities I like in her. She only slept with this other guy when we were apart. To her, sex is HUGE. She cannot have sex with someone without her totally in a sense giving herself to them. Unemotional sex? NEVER (unless she is really drunk probably but she hardly EVER drinks). So I think this might have something to do with it.

 

I am going to continue to hang out w/ her and spend as much time w/her as I can. I just worry that for some reason this won't go anywhere. I mean, it's really weird we haven't even kissed yet! However, we speak about our future plans, going to Europe, what kind of a house we would like to buy...

 

What do you guys think? Help a brother out! I am trying to sort this all out... but I'm guessing it will just take time.

 

In the back of my mind I think the only thing it could be is the fact I broke up with her. I told her it was a HUGE mistake, and apologized 3 weeks later. I have also told her I wanted to be 1000000% sure I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her - and now I am.

 

Thank you for anyone that takes the time to read this and reply - I appreciate it more than you know. All opinions are fully welcome.

 

Thanks again,

Confused

[timchambo]

well how long are you willing to "just be friends" with her? I read on here that once in the "friend zone" its very hard to get out. I have never been in your situation, so sorry wish I could help. Are you sure there is nobody else in the picture? How long have you been just friends? I think its unhealthy for you to continue down this current path for very long. Clearly you want more, she knows how you feel, you've apologized and all. At some point I think you need to distance yourself as this may never work out, as you said. But I think you should communicated that part with her.

 

I was on the other side of it with my ex. She left me and wanted to explore other people. In the way she did it (lied), I would never take her back. I wont even be her friend. Sounds like your ex feels differently than I do and wants to have back what you guys had. Maybe when she feels like she has that back and can trust you again she will be willing to give a new RL a shot.

[Graceful]

asd,

 

I just read your back story, and I can't say I am good with how you and your GF are handling the possibility of getting back together.

 

Your past relationship was fraught with problems, it's all in your old, original post. You can't erase all that happened, even if it's been many months since the breakup. It seems like you wanted to almost "pick up where you left off" and to me, that's not the best way to recover and for the two of you to get closer again.

 

The goal is seems to be:

Rebuild trust

Rebuild the closeness you once shared

Rebuild the sexual chemistry

Rebuild the friendship

 

You're not doing that, IMHO.

 

Let me also posit that just because you've known someone for five years, that doesn't mean you know "everything about them" and if anything, if you feel that way, then you're in a dead end relationship, because you should always be learning and growing with someone, they should be evolving, too, and there should always be some surprises there.

We were together 5 years, and it is like I know everything about her. My favorite things are the things that might bother other people, but I find the endearing. I truly do feel like I made a horrible mistake, but I must say this: I wasn't 100% sure that she was the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. After getting on the dating seen for a while, and meeting lots of girls, I know for 100% certainty she is. I never dated in HS and most of college. She was pretty much my first serious GF, and the only girl I've ever said "I love you" to.

Ok, I completely buy this. But you handled the breakup pretty badly. Right?

I have to agree that you were in your emotional confusion for a very good reason at your age, and were justified to feel the way you did. But your relationship still had many problems, and you stayed in it for (probably) too long in the first place.

Why didn't you end it sooner in the first place? Why wait 5 years??

 

My ex saw a guy pretty much starting a month after we broke, and continued until she broke it off the beginning of January (about 7 months).

Ok, so it's not like your ex has been sitting around crying. She had another relationship for a while. Good for her. She didn't fall in love with him, but she did have the emotional strength to date and get to know another guy.

 

So anyways what is weird is we haven't kissed yet. She says she just wants to be friends for now. The strange thing is we constantly talk about the future (i.e. trips we will make, buying a house together - pretty much all of the **** we dreamed of doing together). She even spent the night last night in my bed... but we didn't do anything. This is all very strange for me.

You should not be sleeping in the same bed with her right now. You should just be dating her, and that's it.

 

If you are not having sex and she is not being affectionate with you, this is a very bad road to go down if you are trying and hoping to recover what you once had. The rejection is going to get to you and she's going to friend zone you and you're not going to get your sexual chemistry back.

 

Date her. Evening is over, she goes home. You two need to go back in time a bit. She needs to miss you, you need to miss her. You need to act like you just met all over again, in a way that might be difficult, but that's what you need to do. STOP having her stay over.

 

I am going to continue to hang out w/ her and spend as much time w/her as I can. I just worry that for some reason this won't go anywhere. I mean, it's really weird we haven't even kissed yet! However, we speak about our future plans, going to Europe, what kind of a house we would like to buy...

You're getting way ahead of yourselves. And, yes, it is strange that you haven't kissed yet.

 

The two of you, if you were having a real reunion, wouldn't be able to keep your hands off of each other. That's not happening. That's a cause for concern, yes it is. So tell you that you want to treat her really special, and wait until the two of you are more ready to make a commitment again to sleep with her and have her stay with you.

In the back of my mind I think the only thing it could be is the fact I broke up with her. I told her it was a HUGE mistake, and apologized 3 weeks later. I have also told her I wanted to be 1000000% sure I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her - and now I am.

You hurt her very deeply. You need to make it up to her, show her in all your actions that you are ready for a commitment and go out of your way to make it clear that you have every intention of being true to your word.

 

If you win her back, it will take time, but you're the one who has the back pedaling to do, if you see what I mean. She has to get back to really trusting you, and that's not an easy task.

 

BTW, where are the two of you living now? Still away from your families? What happened with that location issue?

 

Remember: actions speak louder than words. Show her. Okay?

[asdfasdf1234]

Graceful,

 

Ya, I know I have a LOT of work to do, but that's okay because I know anything worth having is worth putting a lot of work into.

 

You are right about the same bed thing. The only reason it happened is because it was 2AM in the morning and she didn't want to drive home.

 

Right now we are both living back pretty much in the same town (about a 15 minute drive from one another). I live with one of my friends, and she lives with one of hers.

 

Now she has an awesome job at Kaiser as a nurse. When I found out she had gotten a job and moved back here it crushed me. We (well, she but it felt like, "we" sometimes) had been working towards that for seemingly the whole time we were together. Through junior college, nursing school, then her first job in a town 2 hours away. The strain that was put on the relationship was in big part about us moving away. We would have been back in another 3.5 months!!!!!!! But, past is the past, and hopefully this all happened for a reason.

 

I have honestly thought about going to a psychologist and asking him about the kissing thing. To me, I really don't see how we are going to transition from where we are at to a physical relationship. Will one day she just up and decide oh hey I'm really attracted to him and want to kiss him? I hope so but something tells me there is something in her subconscious that is going to hold her back. That even if she one day said, yes, I can trust you again that she just wouldn't be into me? Is it because I am too available?

 

Thing is, all I know I can do at this point is continue to do what I am doing. I think the most important thing for me right now is to not let the fact that she isn't showing me any physical affection affect me, which is easier said then done. It has only been about a month though, actually 29 days exactly... and I think it'll just take time.

[asdfasdf1234]

well how long are you willing to "just be friends" with her? I read on here that once in the "friend zone" its very hard to get out. I have never been in your situation, so sorry wish I could help. Are you sure there is nobody else in the picture? How long have you been just friends? I think its unhealthy for you to continue down this current path for very long. Clearly you want more, she knows how you feel, you've apologized and all. At some point I think you need to distance yourself as this may never work out, as you said. But I think you should communicated that part with her.

 

I was on the other side of it with my ex. She left me and wanted to explore other people. In the way she did it (lied), I would never take her back. I wont even be her friend. Sounds like your ex feels differently than I do and wants to have back what you guys had. Maybe when she feels like she has that back and can trust you again she will be willing to give a new RL a shot.

 

Hey Tim,

 

Thanks for taking the time to submit a reply.

 

We've been, "just friends" for about a month. And yes, I am 99% sure there is no one. She tells me about all of the texts her ex-BF sends her (he is trying to get back together with her), so I am guessing she is serious about me.

 

Yes, I agree with you that this path is fraught with possible complications in the future. This is the main reason I posted this. I mean, I don't know what my move is!

 

It's like I finally got what I wanted, sort of. We are giving it another shot. I just hope it is time that will fix this.

 

Ya, she said something to me the other night that was kinda revealing. She mentioned something to the effect that if we did give our relationship another shot and it didn't work out that was her biggest fear as she would feel like an idiot for giving it a second chance.

 

I am HOPING that it is in fact trust building that I need to do, and once she trusts me again (might take a LONG time), then the physical part can come in.

[gator12]

The physical should be the last thing on your mind. She is hurt, her guard is very clearly still up after you basically broke her heart once. You have to earn her trust again before you can even consider getting another shot. My ex is like yours in the sex area, I am the only one she has had sex with because we both value it very much and were very much in love with each other. That being said, you won't be getting anything in that area until she trusts you again, then wants to be in a relationship, and then feels comfortable in the relationship not worrying whether she will get hurt again.

 

Trust and communication are the keys here, you cannot simply tell her you're sorry and she can trust you etc. You need to show her all of these things, show here how you care about her, show her how much you love her. Show her you will not do what you did to her again. Actions speak much louder than words.

 

-Gator

[seaworld]

Hey Tim,

 

Thanks for taking the time to submit a reply.

 

We've been, "just friends" for about a month. And yes, I am 99% sure there is no one. She tells me about all of the texts her ex-BF sends her (he is trying to get back together with her), so I am guessing she is serious about me.

 

Yes, I agree with you that this path is fraught with possible complications in the future. This is the main reason I posted this. I mean, I don't know what my move is!

 

It's like I finally got what I wanted, sort of. We are giving it another shot. I just hope it is time that will fix this.

 

Ya, she said something to me the other night that was kinda revealing. She mentioned something to the effect that if we did give our relationship another shot and it didn't work out that was her biggest fear as she would feel like an idiot for giving it a second chance.

 

I am HOPING that it is in fact trust building that I need to do, and once she trusts me again (might take a LONG time), then the physical part can come in.

 

Hey.. I got a personal question. How do you feel that you know your ex has slept with someone else after you? and that you may still end up together? I suppose it is different in your case since you are the one that broke it off, but I am in a situation that my gf broke it off after 4 yrs, and I think I may have a chance one day, but only after she dates somebody else seriously. I don't really know how to feel about it.

[Graceful]

Graceful,

 

Ya, I know I have a LOT of work to do, but that's okay because I know anything worth having is worth putting a lot of work into.

 

You are right about the same bed thing. The only reason it happened is because it was 2AM in the morning and she didn't want to drive home.

Okay, fair enough. Thanks for the explanation. I have to agree she is worth the work, she sounds like a very nice, hard-working, accomplished and all-around great person, and her willingness to give your relationship a second shot sounds like it's due to her feelings for you, not because she would have any trouble finding someone else.

Right now we are both living back pretty much in the same town (about a 15 minute drive from one another). I live with one of my friends, and she lives with one of hers.

Excellent. Very convenient, and the idea you each have a roommate means that you aren't completely alone when you're not together and that's healthy.

 

I can see a bit better why things fell apart (what I read in your back story), but you ended it harshly, on top of all the other issues that had surfaced, so that's what you're digging your way out of, as you know.

I have honestly thought about going to a psychologist and asking him about the kissing thing. To me, I really don't see how we are going to transition from where we are at to a physical relationship. Will one day she just up and decide oh hey I'm really attracted to him and want to kiss him?

If you're thinking of getting any therapy, it would be worth asking. To be frank, I do think it's an issue that you should not back burner for too much longer. I mean, do you hold hands? Do you feel like you can put your arm around her if you're home watching tv or at a movie? I know it's only been 29 (count them, a mere 29! ) days, but either she's really being firm about where she stands with regard to keeping her distance right now, or she's just not feeling it yet because she really got hurt.

 

Did you used to have a playful relationship in the past? I mean, can you just tease her a little bit tell her you'd love to give her a little kiss after all this time? The thing for you is that the pressure is all on you, at least right now. So you have to figure out small ways to lessen the pressure and start having fun again.

 

That even if she one day said, yes, I can trust you again that she just wouldn't be into me? Is it because I am too available?

No, absolutely not! If you mean business and you intend to hold onto this girl, you had better get your best Prince Charming on, and stay there. She's looking for all the signs that you've matured. It's not like it's been a year, you know, it's only been since last June, and you need to show her that you've made some progress as a human and as a BF. You know what I mean?

Thing is, all I know I can do at this point is continue to do what I am doing. I think the most important thing for me right now is to not let the fact that she isn't showing me any physical affection affect me, which is easier said then done.

Agreed. It is easier said than done. You're going to have to work at not letting it get to you. Try small, sweet gestures. Tell her she looks pretty, or she smells nice, or when you see her, tell her it's great to see her. And when you feel comfortable, just grab her and give her a hug. Women love that sort of thing. Flirt with her, make her laugh. That's the way to get her to warm up.

 

She's worth it. So stay the course, and be true to your word. She's no slouch. Best of luck. Keep us posted. I hope things go well for you.

[asdfasdf1234]

Hey.. I got a personal question. How do you feel that you know your ex has slept with someone else after you? and that you may still end up together? I suppose it is different in your case since you are the one that broke it off, but I am in a situation that my gf broke it off after 4 yrs, and I think I may have a chance one day, but only after she dates somebody else seriously. I don't really know how to feel about it.

 

It doesn't really bother me that much, but I think it helps that I was the one that initiated the break up. But to be honest even if I wasn't, I am pretty sure it might bug me at first, but it would be something I would get over. You must look at the big picture and while yes, it might have been less than ideal, if she ends up with you it is because she wants to be with YOU, not anyone else. That is what is comforting at the end of the day. Sex is just something that goes along with most serious relationships. We are all human, and we all enjoy it.

[asdfasdf1234]

The physical should be the last thing on your mind. She is hurt, her guard is very clearly still up after you basically broke her heart once. You have to earn her trust again before you can even consider getting another shot. My ex is like yours in the sex area, I am the only one she has had sex with because we both value it very much and were very much in love with each other. That being said, you won't be getting anything in that area until she trusts you again, then wants to be in a relationship, and then feels comfortable in the relationship not worrying whether she will get hurt again.

 

Trust and communication are the keys here, you cannot simply tell her you're sorry and she can trust you etc. You need to show her all of these things, show here how you care about her, show her how much you love her. Show her you will not do what you did to her again. Actions speak much louder than words.

 

-Gator

 

Yes, you're right. It will just take time to rebuild the trust, and actions do speak louder than words.

[asdfasdf1234]

Okay, fair enough. Thanks for the explanation. I have to agree she is worth the work, she sounds like a very nice, hard-working, accomplished and all-around great person, and her willingness to give your relationship a second shot sounds like it's due to her feelings for you, not because she would have any trouble finding someone else.

Excellent. Very convenient, and the idea you each have a roommate means that you aren't completely alone when you're not together and that's healthy.

 

I can see a bit better why things fell apart (what I read in your back story), but you ended it harshly, on top of all the other issues that had surfaced, so that's what you're digging your way out of, as you know.

If you're thinking of getting any therapy, it would be worth asking. To be frank, I do think it's an issue that you should not back burner for too much longer. I mean, do you hold hands? Do you feel like you can put your arm around her if you're home watching tv or at a movie? I know it's only been 29 (count them, a mere 29! ) days, but either she's really being firm about where she stands with regard to keeping her distance right now, or she's just not feeling it yet because she really got hurt.

 

Oh she has no problem with being touched. I've given her multiple back rubs and hugs, etc, etc. She isn't stand offish, I just know that she isn't ready for the whole kissing thing yet.

Did you used to have a playful relationship in the past? I mean, can you just tease her a little bit tell her you'd love to give her a little kiss after all this time?

 

We had a very playful relationship, which is one of the main reasons we got along so well. We are constantly joking around with one another, and believe me I have done exactly what you are asking, and she jokes about it too but I am pretty sure she isn't ready for it... and believe me... I DO NOT want to be in the awkward situation where I try to kiss her and then it gets all serious.

 

The thing for you is that the pressure is all on you, at least right now. So you have to figure out small ways to lessen the pressure and start having fun again.

 

No, absolutely not! If you mean business and you intend to hold onto this girl, you had better get your best Prince Charming on, and stay there. She's looking for all the signs that you've matured. It's not like it's been a year, you know, it's only been since last June, and you need to show her that you've made some progress as a human and as a BF. You know what I mean?

Agreed. It is easier said than done. You're going to have to work at not letting it get to you. Try small, sweet gestures. Tell her she looks pretty, or she smells nice, or when you see her, tell her it's great to see her. And when you feel comfortable, just grab her and give her a hug. Women love that sort of thing. Flirt with her, make her laugh. That's the way to get her to warm up.

 

She's worth it. So stay the course, and be true to your word. She's no slouch. Best of luck. Keep us posted. I hope things go well for you.

 

I'll keep you posted. Again, thank you for the advice. I have been doing all of those things, and have been trying to keep things lighthearted. We actually just got back from hanging out and had a great time together... here's hoping everything pans out!

 

Have a great evening everyone!

[depplover_1980]

Sorry but you do need to try and kiss her even if it's a soft peck on the forehead, otherwise it is going to go on and on without. I think 29 days is long enough and maybe she is scared to make the move incase you reject her again.

 

Perhaps even be so honest and say I really miss kissing your pretty face, do you mind? If she says no then carry on being patient, but at the same time gauge the way she says NO. If it's a disgusted no, then I don't think you're going to get past the friends zone..,

[asdfasdf1234]

Sorry but you do need to try and kiss her even if it's a soft peck on the forehead, otherwise it is going to go on and on without. I think 29 days is long enough and maybe she is scared to make the move incase you reject her again.

 

Perhaps even be so honest and say I really miss kissing your pretty face, do you mind? If she says no then carry on being patient, but at the same time gauge the way she says NO. If it's a disgusted no, then I don't think you're going to get past the friends zone..,

 

I have kissed her cheek and forehead plenty of times, just not lips... ya I'm not sure when I know the moment is going to be right, but I think I'll know when it is.

[depplover_1980]

How does she respond to those kisses? You're gonna have to grab it when it does feel right and not repress it.

[asdfasdf1234]

Wow. It's really strange reading all of this 2 years later. I can finally look back on that relationship and see it for what it was. I was just attached to her as we were together for so long. If we would have gotten back together we would have broken up again.

 

It took me a year and a half to finally let her go. I never actually got that kiss, lol.