My fiance is deeply hurt by the way I feel about her family

[megathrow]

Me: 29M Her: 29F

 

We've been together two years.

 

My fiance has a big family. She has six siblings, each of them married with kids. They all live within 30 minutes of each other, and they all visit at her parent's house every weekend. Average attendance, counting spouses and kids: 30-40 people.

 

I come from a small family. One sister, two parents. That's it. We see each other two or three times a year. Maximum attendance at our gatherings: 6 people.

 

She lives with me, three hours away from her family, but it's still expected that she find a way to make it home for the family weekends at least once a month. And I'm expected to tag along.

 

Coming from my background, it can be pretty overwhelming for me to visit her family. I'm kind of an introvert, and it's exhausting for me to be in her family's house with the crowd of relatives and cousins ands toddlers and aunts and uncles coming and going and talking over each other. They're all very friendly and welcoming. But I'm usually wiped and drained from the experience after a only a couple hours. It takes a lot of effort for me to socialize in that environment.

 

Sometimes I just don't feel up for it, so she goes without me, and everyone asks where I am, like "Why didn't he come? What's wrong?" She makes up excuses for me - telling them I'm sick or that I have an appointment I can't break... When really I'm just at home relaxing from my stressful work week.

Trouble is, this dynamic really pains her. Every time I ask her if she's really sure that she doesn't mind if I stay at home, she says "no, it's fine! of course! stay!" - but it's clear she really wishes I would come with her. Well, today it seems she couldn't fake it anymore.

 

She broke down crying in sadness and anger at me. She said she gets genuinely excited to go on trips to see my family. She loves to go spend time with them, because she feels it brings us closer together, and they have a very peaceful beautiful home in the country, and the side of me that she sees when I'm there makes her fall even more deeply in love with me. And it really hurts her that I don't feel the same way about her. I want to tell her this isn't true, but it is. In all honesty, I don't really like going to her see her family, because those weekend always leave me wiped and running on empty when Monday comes. And the side of her I see when she's with her family kinda doesn't make me fall more deeply in love with her. She turns into a different person around them, and I don't think she notices it, but that version of her is not the person I fell in love with.

 

Help! What am I to do? It's clearly hurting her that I feel this way, but I can't change it. I love her more than anyone in my life, and she is my missing piece that I can't imagine living without, but this one issue seems really big right now. She's even hinted that maybe it means we aren't meant to get married, and that scares the living daylights out of me.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[xpaperxcutx]

She's family oriented, you're not. She does sound like a keeper and if the two of you are going to get married one day, you should be aware that you're marrying into her family as well. The problem isn't her, it's you. You're so passive aggressive about. Do you often find yourself being particularly anti-social?

[TakeMeasIam]

We all have different facets, or personas to our character. I expect you are not the same person at work, with your colleagues, that you are with her.

but it's a composite. She is who she is when she's with you. She is who she is when she is with her family.

 

The unfortunate thing is, she knows with what animosity you fit in with her plans, so she is self-conscious and tries to hard with her family, to enjoy the experience for both of you. She desperately wants you to be happy, and tries to compensate.

You put her in a position of having to choose and it's getting painful for her.

In fact, the pain is unbearable.

She is distraught, distressed and strained.

 

You have pulled on her emotions with your non-committal reluctance to engage with her family, and she is in despair.

 

Are you in as much despair, discomfort or distress?

What is it about seeing her family that makes you feel so drained?

What tumultuous effort is it that you have to make to render you so weak?

 

And is it worth it, to see her so confused and saddened by it?

[denise_xo]

I don't have much advice, but I empathise with your situation. I'm in a similar position and I also often feel really drained after a weekend/ holiday etc with partner's family (reinforced also by the fact that I don't speak their language properly). My only input to you would be for the two of your to keep communicating about these differences so that you might be able to reach a better mutual understanding.

 

This, however, stood out to me. I don't know what it means, but it doesn't sound good:

 

And the side of her I see when she's with her family kinda doesn't make me fall more deeply in love with her. She turns into a different person around them, and I don't think she notices it, but that version of her is not the person I fell in love with.

[sunshinegirl]

She's family oriented, you're not. She does sound like a keeper and if the two of you are going to get married one day, you should be aware that you're marrying into her family as well. The problem isn't her, it's you. You're so passive aggressive about. Do you often find yourself being particularly anti-social?

 

More than anything else, the OP sounds like he is an introvert. Being an introvert is not a social disease, it is not being passive aggressive, it is about how people get energized. Extroverts' batteries get charged by being around other people; for introverts, it's the opposite: it's draining to be around people (how many/how long varies person to person), and they recharge with down time or alone time.

 

I also think this is a terribly one-sided perspective:

 

You put her in a position of having to choose and it's getting painful for her.

In fact, the pain is unbearable.

She is distraught, distressed and strained.

 

She also puts HIM in the position of having to choose. OP, sorry to say that this sounds like a compatibility issue. If you two can't work something out that you can both truly live with, you're going to have a lifetime of increasingly bitter disputes over how much time to spend with her family.

 

One last thing: as for her becoming someone slightly different with her family...isn't that true of most people? Family dynamics are pernicious and even the most mature, level-headed adult can revert to surprising behaviors around family members. If you love her enough to marry her, you have to accept this side of her personality. Do you have any friends/coworkers that you behave differently around than you do with your fiancee? Same same.

[Duckduckgoose]

She also puts HIM in the position of having to choose. OP, sorry to say that this sounds like a compatibility issue. If you two can't work something out that you can both truly live with, you're going to have a lifetime of increasingly bitter disputes over how much time to spend with her family.

 

 

This is a common issue in a lot of relationships. My parents have been married 30 years and my dad hates going to family things with my mom. My mom has a large family; with lots of sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews, etc. Every time she would drag him along he would get very resentful. In the past few years he's calmed down a lot... he is very stubborn and hard-headed.

 

I wouldn't say my dad is an introvert... his personality is a lot like mine and mine easily swings both ways. I need recharge time alone sometimes, and I need recharge time with friends or out and about sometimes.

 

OP probably needs to discuss with his fiancee how many gatherings she has with her family and which ones he will agree to go to. Go to some, not all. 1/2 of the gatherings is a good compromise. She is hurt when he won't go, he hates being there. So 50/50 sounds about right.

 

In this situation no one is going to win, your best bet is try and come out with as few bruises as possible.

 

Just remember it's not a dealbreaker. My parents are this way and they been married 30 years, and both will tell you they are happy.

[Alma Mobley]

More than anything else, the OP sounds like he is an introvert. Being an introvert is not a social disease, it is not being passive aggressive, it is about how people get energized. Extroverts' batteries get charged by being around other people; for introverts, it's the opposite: it's draining to be around people (how many/how long varies person to person), and they recharge with down time or alone time.

 

This is true and he needs to explain that to her, and if this relationship is going to survive, they need to come up with some sort of compromise.

 

OP,

 

I am the same way. I'm an introvert with a small family, but I married an extrovert with a large family. We have gotten into arguments over these same issues with me not wanting to go to family events and he hates making excuses for me because they always want to know why I'm not with him. His family also lives about three hours away. I stayed with his family over Christmas (we now have a son, so I feel obligated to spend more time with them) and it was completely draining for me. A six-hour round trip every month sounds excessive to me, but like I said, I am more like you and not your girlfriend. Perhaps you can work it out where she goes by herself on routine visits and you go with her only for special occasions.

[Bittersweetie]

I understand where you're coming from. I'm an introvert from a small family...just me and my parents. My H doesn't have a huge family, but to me it was a lot to get used to. We've gone on family vacations which were over ten people.

 

It was incredibly overwhelming at first. I remember on the first family vacation I went on, my H and I were supposed to be sleeping on the living room couch in the house the family rented, and I realized the ONLY place I would be alone would be in the bathroom, and I lost it. We ended up renting a room next door and it was worth it. And that's how I learned to deal with his large family...make sure there's space and time for me to chill.

 

When we're on vacation, we always make sure to have our own room so that I can spend time there to wind down and recharge. If it's an event just for the day, I bring a book and at some point find an empty room to hang out and read for a half hour or so.

 

My husband is fine with how I deal; he understands I'm an introvert and I need time to myself when I'm around everyone. We've discussed this aspect of my personality and worked out solutions we're both fine with. I think at first his family thought it was weird, but now everyone just accepts it as how I am. And to be honest, when I have some time to myself I'm a lot more happy and engaging when I'm with everyone.

 

I would suggest talking about things and arriving at a compromise you can both accept. Good luck!