Logik Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 It's been almost 2 years now since she left me. She's with some other guy now, who's like 10 years older than her, who's been around since the beginning. She never told me about him, even though he was spending time with my children. I had to find out that he was around when my son accidentally called me by his name. Turns out she took them on a nice week-long holiday with this guy without me even knowing he exists. When confronted, she said she saw nothing wrong with it, that she was just going away with a "friend". She then got annoyed with my questions and told me that she would then tell me everything that she does, in a condescending tone. When I said that as long as my kids' lives aren't affected, I don't actually care about what she does, then she said that I was right and then apologised. Anyway, these are just recent developments and not really the reason for this posting. I'm actually wondering how people, after getting dragged through hell backwards while getting your wounds instantly quarterised from searing heat, would ever want to get involved with anybody else ever again? I mean I've been on dates since, but never wanted to take it further than a single dinner. Once bitten, twice shy I suppose. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life. It gives me time to deepen my bitterness and resentment towards the person who discarded me like yesterday's junk mail. As you can probably tell, I'm not really over what happened to me. I will never forgive her for what she did to our family. I don't want her back, but I want her to want me back. Does this ever end?
Duckduckgoose Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 Maybe you should look into DivorceCare. I have been attending and the past few weeks have focused on forgiveness. It has been hard to forgive my stbxH for what he has done, but I will keep doing it as long as it takes so I can move on with my life. These are straight from my Divorce Care book: Consequences of Unforgiveness Depression Bitterness and negativity Hurt to those around me Physical, spiritual, and emotional sickness Loneliness Benefits of Forgiveness Freedom to move on Healing Antidote for resentment and anger The situation no longer has power over me Forgiveness is NOT A feeling Minimizing the offense Condoning the other person's behaviour Trusting the other person Letting the other person off the hook Expecting an apology Forgetting Forgiveness IS Life-changing A decision only I can make Obeying God Freedom and Release A Process Living in a higher realm Unilateral(not synonymous with reconciliation) A reflection of my maturity(take responsibility for my actions and attitudes) That is the quick and dirty of it pretty much. DivorceCare has helped me work through some of my feelings and I am glad that someone suggested it to me. There are some ladies in my DivorceCare class that have been stuck in the bitterness and unforgiveness of their divorce for a while... one lady for 10 years! Is that really how you want to live, letting the other person have control of your life like that? It only hurts yourself and your future spouse by holding on to the anger. Anger is like a hot coal... by holding onto it you are only burning yourself.
Author Logik Posted February 13, 2011 Author Posted February 13, 2011 Thanks for the response. I just don't see myself letting go of this any time soon. I always keep thinking about the saying, those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it. My situation has happened to me twice in my life. First with a long term girlfriend and then with my wife. The situations were carbon copies of each other, except with my wife I lost a lot more. I just don't think I'm built to be with another person. What am I gonna lose next time? Maybe I'm lacking in certain social skills. Who knows? The only way I could probably make the next relationship work is going into it and living it as another person. That, as we all know, is not the way to do it. Both my serious relationships had almost an exact 7 year life. then they ended in identical manners. Out of the blue, over the phone, "I love you more like a brother", no discussions about it and them ending up with someone else immediately. Just can't do it again. I'd rather be with someone I trust. Myself.
2.50 a gallon Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 I strongly you suggest that you follow the advice of trying something like Divorce Care. Thirty years ago I think that I could have used it. My story is similar to yours, except I quickly got back into the dating scene. I took away two lessons from my short marriage. No sex life and love hurts. I was determined to reclaim my sex life. but to do it without getting involved. Over the next 15 years my sex life was amazing. But in truth there was no love life. Friends with benefits was as close as I would let anybody get. You know the story of hindsight. Looking back I can now see that I let several possibly good opportunities slide past. The only true regret is that I never had any children
2.50 a gallon Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 It took about 8 years before I finally got into a relationship that lasted more than a couple of months. This ended up being 6 plus years of an on again off again relationship. It was all me calling it off. I was too afraid of being hurt. In the end, I packed up my things and moved back to my home town, in order to put a thousand miles between the two of us. Shortly after I moved back I met this long legged lady, divorce mother of two, that I definitely wanted to have a FWB's relationship. But alas she was entangle with a live in boyfriend. Two years later, they temporarily broke up when he went off for drug rehab. About 3 months later we went out for the first time, with both of us thinking FWB's I thought I was safe, second date, first kiss, I was a goner. A part of me that I thought I had long killed off came roaring back into the fore front. My high thick armored and rebarred walls came down in an instant There is no defence for love, I fought it for 15 years, and it crumbled with just one kiss. That was 15 years ago and we are still lovingly sharing our lives. I trust her, and I know how quickly things can turn bad, so this time I am not taking anything for granted. Daily I remind myself that there is a long line of guys standing behind me, wishing that they could be in my shoes. So I work at making this love grow, daily compliments, daily I find a new way to tell her how beautiful she is, or how smart she is, or how greatful I am that she choses me to share her life with. I do not smoother her, just let her know how I appreciate her presence in my life. This is not phoney, this is building a loving relationship.
Steadfast Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Many people live without a relationship, although I do believe we are 'wired' for companionship. Like you, I've been through betrayal more than once but (possibly) unlike you, I see where my failings were. This is not to take blame for what happened; it is simply recognizing a pattern of behavior. A positive is your openness. Before we can change ourselves, we must be honest about where we are and what we feel. Take some solace in knowing you can't decide for others, and therefore can't take the blame for their actions. You are not cursed...no more than many of us. Life is what you make it. Good luck to you-
Author Logik Posted February 13, 2011 Author Posted February 13, 2011 Thanks for the replies. I really do regard your guys opinions highly, since it does come from experience. I do see my shortcomings in my relationships with other people, but this is who I am. I don't want to have to change myself to get other people's acceptance. If this means I'll be alone and without anyone else for the rest of my life, then so be it. I just don't want to act differently to try and please someone else. I don't need to do this when I'm alone. Thanks for the replies.
hensley258 Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 It's been almost 2 years now since she left me. She's with some other guy now, who's like 10 years older than her, who's been around since the beginning. She never told me about him, even though he was spending time with my children. I had to find out that he was around when my son accidentally called me by his name. Turns out she took them on a nice week-long holiday with this guy without me even knowing he exists. When confronted, she said she saw nothing wrong with it, that she was just going away with a "friend". She then got annoyed with my questions and told me that she would then tell me everything that she does, in a condescending tone. When I said that as long as my kids' lives aren't affected, I don't actually care about what she does, then she said that I was right and then apologised. Anyway, these are just recent developments and not really the reason for this posting. I'm actually wondering how people, after getting dragged through hell backwards while getting your wounds instantly quarterised from searing heat, would ever want to get involved with anybody else ever again? I mean I've been on dates since, but never wanted to take it further than a single dinner. Once bitten, twice shy I suppose. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life. It gives me time to deepen my bitterness and resentment towards the person who discarded me like yesterday's junk mail. As you can probably tell, I'm not really over what happened to me. I will never forgive her for what she did to our family. I don't want her back, but I want her to want me back. Does this ever end? It's only been 4 months for me since wife ran off with OM and abandond the house. I do know what your mean though. I have been on about 5 dates since then with nice attractive women, but I just can't seem to feel that chemistry with any I meet. It's not that I'm afrade to get hurt again or love shy, I just don't feel that inner connection with them. People say it's because your still not over your wife. Maybe, but I have accepted we are done and I still feel anger for her affare, but real love for her like it used to be.... No I really don't. The woman I love is long gone and she has been replaced by a hurtful evil bitch. I figure why love someone that is not even on this earth anymore. I think I just haven't found that woman that we both are drawn to eachother. That can be a hard thing to find even if you have been single for years.
Author Logik Posted February 13, 2011 Author Posted February 13, 2011 I think I'm in the position of not even wanting that connection ever again. Relationships take work. The kind of work that I'm not willing to do at the moment, if ever. Most people who are in a relationship will always feel trapped and feel like they can't do what they want and that they have to please the other person. I see it day in and day out. You slip up by not pleasing them and its goodbye, have a nice life. I'm not getting caught up in it again. Time for me to think about número uno. Nobody's coming close enough to destroy me again. Some may think that's sad. I call it self-preservation. I have my kids, my mates and my family in my life and that's enough. I'll become celibate before I trust anyone with something as big as my life again.
2.50 a gallon Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 I hear you. That was me. Another of my morning chants was: "I am a rock, I am an island" "And a rock feels no pain, and an island never crys" My life is great. I can do what ever I want, with whom ever I want, when ever I want. I fooled myself for years. But there were hints, like over the holidays, even though I had lots of female companionship and never spent them alone, something was missing, she wasn't the one. I was lucky enough to one morning watch two bugling elk battle it out. It was awesome, but there was nobody special there to share the moment with. After that first kiss when my high and mighty walls crashed, one of my first thoughts was to realize how lonely I was. I had just wasted 15 years of my life by myself and not sharing it with anybody. That was part of the reason that I said to hell with getting hurt and went after her.
Author Logik Posted February 14, 2011 Author Posted February 14, 2011 Thanks 2.50, I hear you. I'm not gonna actively go out and search for it just yet though. If it finds me then great, but I don't want to go out there and search for something just to fill the void. I feel that with patience and time, things come to those who wait. I'm glad it came to you, even if it did take 15 years. I don't see it as a waste though. You probably weren't ready for it until it happened.
lee777 Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 >>>>"As you can probably tell, I'm not really over what happened to me. I will never forgive her for what she did to our family. I don't want her back, but I want her to want me back. Does this ever end"<<<< Ok, Great. There's so much than can be said about the words above. I don't know if you're asking for advice, but I'm offering it. Please have an open mind and heart when/if reading. Do you think your EX feels your resentment? Do you think by not forgiving her you're gonna make her feel your pain? The new YOU begins with you. You must have a great respect and love for yourself in order to manifest your life into a new beginning. STOP assuming you know what your EX thinks. Stop thinking about what your EX did to your family. Start working on yourself. Making an EX to want you back. <- That's a dream, and she still has power over you. She's still manipulating your life 2 years after! Work on yourself-->Confidence-->Self Respect-->New Life-->New You-->New Love
Author Logik Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 Yes, she does still have power over me and yes, she's still manipulating my life. I maybe do want her to feel a bit of my pain. I have gone slightly off the rails. My finances are shot. I get to see my kids every second weekend. I was lied to and discarded. In my mind, no amount of time is long enough for me to get out of this rut. I'm in this position because of somebody else's total selfishness. I'm not saying that I was perfect as a husband, nobody is. I'm just tired of continually being manipulated and used for other people's benefits and then just left, spent, in the gutter. This time, the gutter seems quite comfortable. It's too much of an effort for me to climb out, because I know, beyond any reasonable doubt, that I'll be there again. Yes, maybe my attitude about it will lead to it happening again, and that's why I don't want to get up. Sorry if I sound depressing, but it's the nature of what happened to me and my sense of self-preservation. If you go into the battlefield and you get shot every time, why would you want to go back? To get shot again? This is a case of not learning from one's mistakes. Do something different next time you go into battle, you say? What can one do differently? Wear a bullet proof vest? Carry a heavy protection around yourself hiding behind a wall? Or maybe stay behind the front line? And not really get involved with the battle. What's the point? Staying away is best. Moving on and dismissing the fact that you're gonna get shot again is counter-intuitive. Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it. I let her still have an effect on my life because I don't ever want to forget what happened to me so I don't put myself in the same position again. And yes it is sad. For some.
Duckduckgoose Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 The lady who makes my cakes has been married three times, divorced twice. She was cheated on with the first man, cheated on the second man with her current husband of 25+ years. I asked her why she cheated after she had been cheated on. She kind of looked at me and said "Maybe I have no morals or no shame I don't know?" I also asked why after two divorces she wanted to get married again. Especially since she told me she felt like a real failure after the second divorce (OM at the time was married and is now her husband). Her response was that she wanted to keep doing it till she got it right. While I don't agree with her cheating and whatnot, I think the attitude I am going to have is to keep doing it till I get it right. It helps to have a wide variety of people to talk to about it all. You don't have to take everyone's advice... or anyone's really. But I hate to see a nice person that has been used be bitter, when there are other nice people out there that won't hurt you and will love you how you are. It seems kind of selfish, you are depriving some wonderful woman out there of a loving and caring mate Every time I fall off my mountain bike do I stay in the dirt and poison ivy? Hells no I get rashes that way!
BlindRage Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 It's like putting your hands into the fire and after getting them burned, remove them from the fire but once they heal..... try another time putting them into the fire and expect not to get burned. "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" -Einstein. I understand where you are coming from and what you mean Logik. I too feel similar to what you have described.
Author Logik Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 Thank you to all of you for your replies. I guess you can see from the up and down nature of my posts that I'm still on the rollercoaster. Once this ride has come to a halt, I'll probably get off, put all my ducks in a row and carry on as a normal person, not the emotional wreck that I've been for the past almost 2 years. I guess I've just tried to ignore everything and just bury it out of sight, but it always finds it's way back up. Hence the bitterness creeps back in. Thanks LS people.
worlybear Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I know how you feel. IMO you're absolutely right to stand back. Like you, I am 2 years out of a long relationship and I'm fed up with well meaning friends telling me I should move on. I have made new friends but I am very,very wary of getting involved with anyone again- if it happens ,well it happens but I'm not going to set myself up for another fall by trying too hard and too quickly to meet someone. That's not being stuck in the past-its being realistic and its called Self-preservation! Not really into this "forgiveness" thing either! Hugs:bunny::bunny:
Olivia1966 Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 (edited) Work on yourself-->Confidence-->Self Respect-->New Life-->New You-->New Love FWIW, this is what I'm trying. Well, up to the "New You" part at least. The "New Love" part will take care of itself. Or it won't. Edited February 15, 2011 by Olivia1966
health Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Maybe you should look into DivorceCare. I have been attending and the past few weeks have focused on forgiveness. It has been hard to forgive my stbxH for what he has done, but I will keep doing it as long as it takes so I can move on with my life. These are straight from my Divorce Care book: Consequences of Unforgiveness Depression Bitterness and negativity Hurt to those around me Physical, spiritual, and emotional sickness Loneliness Benefits of Forgiveness Freedom to move on Healing Antidote for resentment and anger The situation no longer has power over me Forgiveness is NOT A feeling Minimizing the offense Condoning the other person's behaviour Trusting the other person Letting the other person off the hook Expecting an apology Forgetting Forgiveness IS Life-changing A decision only I can make Obeying God Freedom and Release A Process Living in a higher realm Unilateral(not synonymous with reconciliation) A reflection of my maturity(take responsibility for my actions and attitudes) That is the quick and dirty of it pretty much. DivorceCare has helped me work through some of my feelings and I am glad that someone suggested it to me. There are some ladies in my DivorceCare class that have been stuck in the bitterness and unforgiveness of their divorce for a while... one lady for 10 years! Is that really how you want to live, letting the other person have control of your life like that? It only hurts yourself and your future spouse by holding on to the anger. Anger is like a hot coal... by holding onto it you are only burning yourself. Then why don't we all become cheating scumbags? Funny right? They cheat - they don't care. We burn with pain, then have to forgive them otherwise we destroy ourselves more! The whole time they don't care and get the added bonus of forgiveness. I forgave my ex. But I'm still lonely and overwhelmed alot. To the original poster - I don't feel like seeing anyone ever again either. Except the loneliness is killing me. I hope you heal, I hope I heal I hope we all heal.
Duckduckgoose Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 These are straight from my Divorce Care book: Consequences of Unforgiveness Depression Bitterness and negativity Hurt to those around me Physical, spiritual, and emotional sickness Loneliness Benefits of Forgiveness Freedom to move on Healing Antidote for resentment and anger The situation no longer has power over me Forgiveness is NOT A feeling Minimizing the offense Condoning the other person's behaviour Trusting the other person Letting the other person off the hook Expecting an apology Forgetting Forgiveness IS Life-changing A decision only I can make Obeying God Freedom and Release A Process Living in a higher realm Unilateral(not synonymous with reconciliation) A reflection of my maturity(take responsibility for my actions and attitudes) I am curious if you read what you quoted from me. I am going through a divorce too. I was cheated on, as well as other things that were killing the marriage from within. I am choosing every day not to be bitter, despite the fact that my stbxH is still doing ****ty things to me. DivorceCare and counselling has helped me a lot. Its only helping me because I am keeping an open mind and heart to it. I want to move on, I want to be a better person from all of this mess, I want to one day find another boyfriend that loves me and treasures what they have. I can only do that by letting go of what my stbxH did. I am lonely, I get sad... I cried some today while I was driving through the mountains... not the best time to cry but it happens you know. I feel like no man would ever want me, that I am unattractive or my stbX wouldn't have forsaken my marriage for porn and then cheated. I know all of that is wrong but that is how it feels.
Author Logik Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 I might still be bitter, but I don't feel lonely or unattractive to women. I'm in the best physical condition I've ever been, I'm socialising a lot more and I don't have to continually answer to someone else for anything. I just don't feel the need for people to be in relationships. To me it's almost like people can't be happy by themselves and have to have a significant other in their life to fill some void. I don't need that. I only have to answer to one person. Me. Why would I want to always juggle my life around to suit somebody else. It not natural and I couldn't be bothered. I'm quite happy being alone, and when you really think about it, we are all essentially alone.
worlybear Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I might still be bitter, but I don't feel lonely or unattractive to women. I'm in the best physical condition I've ever been, I'm socialising a lot more and I don't have to continually answer to someone else for anything. I just don't feel the need for people to be in relationships. To me it's almost like people can't be happy by themselves and have to have a significant other in their life to fill some void. I don't need that. I only have to answer to one person. Me. Why would I want to always juggle my life around to suit somebody else. It not natural and I couldn't be bothered. I'm quite happy being alone, and when you really think about it, we are all essentially alone. Amen to that!
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