Notsogood Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 I've been broken up since June 2009 after a 6 year relationship. Have been strict NC for 14 months now, not a word at all. In fact, I went travelling and now live on the other side of the world. Things seemed to be slowly improving until this last month, where I'm now feeling the lowest I have ever felt. Its as if I have had a massive relapse and am now in a self destructive pattern of behaviour with excessive drinking and drug use. Its like during the first month of the break up all over again, except this time I'm not even sure why i'm feeling like this. Previously I was clearly broken from the breakup, but now I have this emptiness inside of me that is just building up and the only time I can feel something is when I'm drinking or on some sort of drugs. I really don't know how to stop this viscous cycle i'm in and I'm scared I can't. Is it normal to have such a big relapse even after 14 months of NC and 20 months since the breakup? It was so hard to pick myself up after the breakup and now I am feeling even lower and I just don't know if I have the strength to go through it all again.
smudge21 Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 Think back, what kicked off this latest feeling? Something is happening that continues to bring those memories back and you need to work out what it is. Maybe moving away wasn't the answer as you feel all you did was hide from your feelings rather then face them. You need to tackle what it is that keeps the feelings there otherwise you may never get past them. Maybe a professional can help, I dunno, I'm not one of them, but it would be something I'd consider. Drink and drugs will never help, trust me on that one.
IfiKnewThen Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 Hi..i am sorry you are going through this great difficulty. i am afraid N/C is not the answer a lot of people think it is. oh it helps and it has to be done ultimately..and it it good to cut off something that is toxic to you. all of that is good sound advise. but most of us have to find our own way of healing first. you could wrestle with 'unfinished business'.. you can get stuck in one feeling indefinitely or for a long time. that is why is is good to try to process everything you are going through..rather than strictly suppress it. there is a book entitled... "when your lover leaves you...six stages to recovery and growth". its simple reading and less than 100 pages. its written by richard g. whiteside, msw and frances e. steinberg, phd. called the survival guide for the broken hearted ,it tell of the stages one goes through with a breakup. ..shock, hope, anger, despair, indifference, growth..and the afterwards. the important thing is NOT to get stuck in any of the stages but growth. sometimes, some of us, need to express our feelings and N/C kinda stifles that possibility early on or somewhere during the course of healing. that's why i think its sometimes good to get a balanced amount of feelings out before you move on and go no contact in some scenarios. so, to me (this is JUST my feelings of what i keep thinking might work for ME..God willing) i had to say i loved them. i had to get the love feelings out and the anger feelings out. i had contact in the beginning. still i feel i allowed what i feared they would think of me, to control me, and i STILL wasnt myself in the end and didnt get to say what i wanted or be entirely who i wanted to be. we walk on eggshells..what will they think? what will they say? and in doing so we say nothing (go N/C) ..or hold back a good deal of our feelings. i know i held back too many of my own feelings with this thinking. and some think we are in control with N/C when in reality, we allow an ex to control us by not expressing what we feel anymore and getting it out so to speak. and we are left with those feelings and have to bottle them up (or so we feel). N/C may prevent further hurt feelings and help in healing ..but it's all about timing too. to everything there is a season. but sometimes we can talk too. if we dont expect anything in return..but put "uS" first and express our feelings....then who cares what they think. then maybe theres a better time for complete N/C. anyway all i am really trying to say is, you could have a lot of feelings bottled up. and you cant just go unleash them all now. that is not healthy or balanced or wise. but they are unresolved..nonetheless. (perhaps) as an example too with experiencing all the phases of healing..maybe in trying to move forward..you got stuck in the anger phase of healing let's say. because for an example , maybe that "worked" for you. it was a seemingly safe place to be. but these suppressed "other feelings".. ( of like shock, love and grief and hope and indifference) resurface and sometimes years later and hit you, what seems out of the blue. in this case "grief" for you. so, according to this book and another book written by john gray, called "mars and venus starting over", both tell you to EXPERIENCE fully all the stages of healing....but to just not get stuck in (1)one feeling. i am just a simple person put this is what i am getting out of these books. they say to experience all the feelings and dont panic and see it as natural. now i know you had been doing well, maybe before this grief stage resurfaced again, but you have another matter to address before you can appreciate what else you have to do to heal your heartbreak or to not fear the hurt stage..(that may have been cut off before by your trying to move forward) .. drinking and drugging. they say the thing to do is to clear your mind and body from the substances first or ..nothing will be able to reach you. meaning reason and happiness. so please, for your own sake and for any people..friends ..family members..anyone who cares and loves you...(but especially for yourself and if ONLY for yourself) PLEASE get off of these drugs and such. drugs and alcohol are really a depressant. you may feel a quick short lived..good feeling but then it all dissipates and leaves you more depressed and added problem on top of problem. so its up to you. only you can control your body and who you are all by yourself. (even with intervention) so get stronger by getting OFF of that stuff now. i don't know what kind of drugs you're doing..but i pray its not the harder stuff. but get off if it. please. you cant move forward until you do. you cant feel real joy again until you do. you did a good thing God willing, by coming on here asking for help because it truly shows you want to get out of this cycle and stop hurting. first get clean. whatever that takes. then experience your emotions and ride the wave. i know it sux. it does. i dont have the answers as such but in looking for them..i see more than ever you have to feel and deal with it all to get to the other side. but again, it has to be done in balance and harmony somehow. trick is not getting stuck as john gray says. it is so hard to wrap out heads around a sudden break up or loss. some shift gear better than others...depending on their survival skills. but the pain and misery of deep loss is all the same. but we are the only ones to feel it within our own selves and yes i think its natural after all this time to feel the pain again, especially if the grief cycle was cut off somehow and even just because we are human and maybe also because we have not replaced the loss with something else healthy (NOT DRUGS) to fill the void. but dont be hard on yourself..keep going (without the alcohol and drugs). its ok to grieve again. look at how long you did so well. i think youre being hard on yourself. N/C is just another tool for healing. the thing is healing takes time and is a process. and according to what they say...just see all the stages as normal and try to move out of one if youre stuck. God bless.
IfiKnewThen Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 ps. its as simple too as you miss them . thats natural and maybe...(and it probably isnt neccessary) ..but maybe when you get off drinking and drugs..you can contact them and try to make peace with your past. but you have to get straight and stronger first
Author Notsogood Posted February 12, 2011 Author Posted February 12, 2011 IfiKnewThen, thanks so much for your reply, it has really made me think of my situation and how I got here. I think I used NC to ignore all the pain instead of trying to overcome it. I even ran away to a different country. It was the only way I could deal with it. Because of this I don't think I've made it past the grief stage. I don't think I ever felt any anger at all towards my ex. I have been greiving for such a long time now and I don't know how to get past this stage. I always thought that time would heal me but it doesn't seem like it has. I just don't know what to do now. I have been pretty good in keeping myself healthy and drug free until this latest relapse, when I just needed to feel something again.
IfiKnewThen Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 just curious...did you and do you place them on a pedestal or feel guilty..like they were the good person and you failed them. is this how you feel. that might have gotten you stuck in the grief stage. i personally feel like this so i think its taking me longer. you could hjave other reasons for being stuck in the grief stage. and yes suppressing it they say isnt good. you cant wallow in it either. you see....its all about not getting stuck..and then they say finally healing DOES come and you can feel joy again and not attached to them and or particular stage. the tides move. the world moves in orbit. balance and movement. you need to get unstuck and not stuck in drugs and alcohol. thats another trap!
Author Notsogood Posted February 12, 2011 Author Posted February 12, 2011 I do put my ex on a pedestal and feel guilty for my part in the relationship. Everyone always says not to but I can't change that, anymore than I can force myself to be angry at her. I really thought time would help
IfiKnewThen Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 well just a few suggestions then..because i do that myself. if they were good in the relationship...acknowledge it..own what you did..but don't glorify them. tell yourself if you had more knowledge at the time you would have done it differently, but you were working with what you knew. don't fault yourself for that. if you were manipulating tell yourself you were probably immature and insecure...but we are all human. also if they broke up with you and acted cold and different...let that be proof that they were human and make mistakes too and weren't as perfect or as nice as we thought and maybe even more insensitive than we thought too. if you believe in a higher power (God) ..pray. if your faith has been knocked down..even jobs was...try to rebuild it. surround yourself with loving people. not people who accept drug use though. thats not loving. thats enabling. they can accept you but not the act. sorry to beat a dead horse here. allow yourself in a safe environment to feel all your emotions and not bury them. perhaps buy those 2 books. especially mars and venus starting over. i kick myself all the damn time. i really do. but if you could see someone getting kicked unmercifully or kicked period..would you want to help them if you knew they really weren't a bad person. (or even if they were). if you can have that compassion for someone else...you have to try to give yourself that much room too. and we have to take them off this pedestal. they are not God. i give you credit for trying to do somersetting with your life..move...get out of the rut. focus on something new and different. but you are taking your thoughts and memories and feelings with you. they followed. its normal. be kind to yourself. it says in the bible love your neighbor as yourself. well what does that mean (not being preachy here) . God wants you to love you too and even first!! so she doesn't deserve more love than you. so you have to love yourself by being kind to yourself and forgiving yourself and then continue to evolve. and when you least expect it there will be something out there that will be able to make you happy besides the quick deceiving fix of substances. (again sorry to sound preachy) i am a mom and maybe thats why i talk like this. but i also know and have seen too much destruction with people getting high. anyway thanks for reading this.
Author Notsogood Posted February 12, 2011 Author Posted February 12, 2011 You have really given me alot to think about and I thank you very much for this.
IfiKnewThen Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 youre very welcome i hope it helps. you have it in you. i know you can do it. just one day at a time. sometimes we get so far ahead of ourselves and its overwhelming. start with this one day
depplover_1980 Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 May I enquire as to what emotions drinking/drugs allows to 'feel' ? Then what you 'feel' on a day to day basis? Just pull whatever comes into your head and put here for me to figure something out for you, as I have an idea.
Gossamer Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 I'm not sure where in the world you are, but often, people who have extended post-relationship grief issues, which may or may not be "love addiction"/co-dependence, often have other addictions, drug and alcohol, food, gambling, etc. I am in a program, myself, as the breakup, for me, triggered a binge eating D.O. And I can't tell you how much the 12-Step I'm in is helping me not only deal with the addiction to food, bingeing, but my other addictions to people, bad thinking, worrying, you name it. Sometimes there is an underlying neurobiochemical issue, depression/bipolar/panic disorder and many others, which can cause/drive both substance bingeing/abuse. You may or may not find the "trigger" that's got you hitting rock bottom, but one very empowering thing you can do is find a 12-step. I don't believe in all the rhetoric of the programs, and I take what I want and leave the rest. Believe me, you don't want to be alone and without support with any sort of addiction-binge behaviors, the chemical downers alone will cause even more crushing depression. It really helps to have a community around you, post-breakup, and as I say, for me, the bingeing was a way for me to cope with overwhelming feelings. While I am still battling my stuff, I now no longer believe that life just sucks without my ex, and I became a lot more hopeful from the tools I have gained within the 12-step program. I'm just suggesting that a community of like-minds might assist you at this time in ways you weren't necessarily looking for, but that might benefit you. Take good care of yourself. /Gossamer I've been broken up since June 2009 after a 6 year relationship. Have been strict NC for 14 months now, not a word at all. In fact, I went travelling and now live on the other side of the world. Things seemed to be slowly improving until this last month, where I'm now feeling the lowest I have ever felt. Its as if I have had a massive relapse and am now in a self destructive pattern of behaviour with excessive drinking and drug use. Its like during the first month of the break up all over again, except this time I'm not even sure why i'm feeling like this. Previously I was clearly broken from the breakup, but now I have this emptiness inside of me that is just building up and the only time I can feel something is when I'm drinking or on some sort of drugs. I really don't know how to stop this viscous cycle i'm in and I'm scared I can't. Is it normal to have such a big relapse even after 14 months of NC and 20 months since the breakup? It was so hard to pick myself up after the breakup and now I am feeling even lower and I just don't know if I have the strength to go through it all again.
Gossamer Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 ...12-step programs are not for everyone. But they are free/donation-based and focused around radical self-care. I realized for myself that my extended grieving periods when relationships ended have more to do with some addictive processes (thoughts, people, habits) on my part than I felt at peace with. In my last post, I want to clarify that in the case of extended grieving processes and bingeing behavior to cope with the overwhelming feelings, they are often intertwined and drive each other. Not that everyone who has an extended grieving process needs to be in a 12-step. Just in my own case and in getting to know people in my program, there is often a relationship between depression/grief and bingeing. Take good care of yourself. /Gossamer I've been broken up since June 2009 after a 6 year relationship. Have been strict NC for 14 months now, not a word at all. In fact, I went travelling and now live on the other side of the world. Things seemed to be slowly improving until this last month, where I'm now feeling the lowest I have ever felt. Its as if I have had a massive relapse and am now in a self destructive pattern of behaviour with excessive drinking and drug use. Its like during the first month of the break up all over again, except this time I'm not even sure why i'm feeling like this. Previously I was clearly broken from the breakup, but now I have this emptiness inside of me that is just building up and the only time I can feel something is when I'm drinking or on some sort of drugs. I really don't know how to stop this viscous cycle i'm in and I'm scared I can't. Is it normal to have such a big relapse even after 14 months of NC and 20 months since the breakup? It was so hard to pick myself up after the breakup and now I am feeling even lower and I just don't know if I have the strength to go through it all again.
depplover_1980 Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Gossamer, hello again. Sorry to hear you are battling this problem but you are very strong I can tell and if you ever want to mail me privately do so at [email protected] I personally did not follow a 12 step programme, though when I made the decision to beat my alcoholism I looked at the 12 steps, but did not find them motivating. In the end I stayed focus on one method which was to write a list of all the terrible, embarrassing or regretful things I had done while drunk - it was a humiliating list to compile but I faced what I had done. The motivation to stay sober was that there would be no more things added to the list in future. For me it was successful and 8 months sober I know I am done with drink for good, though I never take it for granted and still read the list when I have an urge for wine. Though I do have a counsellor and acupuncturist who support in ways that allow me to be as powerful and centralised as possible.
IfiKnewThen Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 hi notsogood. please keep in touch and let us know how youre doing and whats working for you or not. thanks
Hlep Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I can sort of relate. She dumped me and I went 9 months NC, and I recently cracked. Big mistake. She hasn't even responded after 4 days, now I feel pretty ****ty. I had the same feeling, it was like a relapse. It drove me to break NC. For me I think it's a combination of 2 things... this ****ty time of year with little daylight, and not trying to engage with other women. I seriously believe interacting with other women is the answer to our problem. We have to man up, get out there, and find someone.
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