Feeling SO upset after talking to EXBF the other night!!!

[Butterfly5525]

Hi everyone,

 

Last week I managed to go five days straight of NC (no contact). However, there was a day that he contacted me six times (3 texts & 3 calls) mostly saying stuff about how he misses me, hoped I wasn't out on a date with someone that night, etc. I kept thinking about how sad I felt that both Valentine's Day & my birthday are coming right up & that we're not going to be spending those days together. So, like a fool I gave in & answered one of his calls (the day he contacted me six times). I've also talked to him a few times since then & each time we got off the phone I felt devasted to realize that nothing had changed & he still wasn't "ready" for us to get back together.

 

When I talked to him the other night though, that was like probably our worst conversation yet because what he said was such a blow to my self esteem/ego. To make a long story short, he basically told me that he loves & misses me but he knows if we got back together right now, he wouldn't be satisfied because of my weight. He had already said somewhat similar comments lately although before he had said that he'd prefer that I lose SOME weight before we get back together. Last night though, he said he wants me to ALREADY be AT my goal weight before we get back together! (I guess so he'll feel totally satisfied right from the get go). In any case, I'm totally devastated that he said that. I'm the first to acknowledge that I really do need to lose weight. It's not like I'm absolutely enormous or anything but yes, I do need to lose weight. Size 14 currently & my goal weight is 125. (I'm 5'5") I explained to him that realistically, to lose weight in a healthy way, it will probably take me a few months to get to my goal weight (at least) as I currently have a long way to go to get to 125 again.

 

It just breaks my heart & makes me really angry too that it's like he's pretty much insinuating to look him up when I get all the way down to my goal weight & then he'll want me to be his girlfriend again! Those weren't his exact words but I felt like that's what he was pretty much insinuating. I haven't seen him in almost a month & here I am almost every day feeling all sad because I've been missing him terribly & it's just killing me that he is (apparently) fine with not seeing me for even a few more months. He says that he really misses me and wants to see me now but he says he knows it's not an option because I've told him that I don't want to see him unless we've already decided that we're both ready to be in a relationship again.

 

Just recently he said something like why can't we just hang out & f**k for the next few weeks & THEN start dating, just like everyone else does before they decide to be boyfriend & girlfriend? I was SO upset that he said this & told him that we already tried that recently & all it did was make me even more upset about things because it didn't lead to us actually getting back together. So, I made it very clear to him that I will NOT do that again!

 

What makes this even more upsetting to me is that a few months back, he asked some other girl to be his GF & from the pics I saw of her on Facebook, she looked just as heavy as me if not even a little bit heavier than me!! (Things only lated one WEEK with them because he got all upset that she was hanging all over some guy "friend" of hers & so they broke up). Anyways, when I asked him why he didn't make it like a prerequisite for this other girl to be 125 before he agreed to being her girlfriend, he said it was because he knew that she wasn't looking for anything serious & he knew that she wasn't someone that he would ever want to marry. He said since we've already had 2 break ups (over the course of 3 years), that "when" we get back together, he doesn't want us to break up ever again & he worries that we might end up breaking up again if we get back together now while he's still not satisfied with my weight.

 

I know that most men would of course prefer to be a thin girl vs. a chubby one but still...this just really hurts me so much that he's being so shallow like this. To me, it might be somewhat reasonable for him to say that he's not comfortable proposing right now & making a lifetime commitment to me while I'm still not at my goal weight. However, I think he's being pretty sh***y & shallow that he's basically telling me he wants me at my goal weight before he'll even start DATING me again.

 

This is just really making me feel like s**t about myself. I haven't gone on a date with anyone yet since our breakup & I can't forsee myself going on one any time soon after what he's said about my weight because I already knew I could stand to lose some weight, but now I just feel super unattractive.

 

Any advice/support would be much appreciated. The only "good" thing that came out of that conversation the other night is that now I finally feel like I can stick to NC because I don't want to risk him saying something else that will make me really upset. A few hours we talked last night, I did end up sending him a few texts basically telling him off because I was feeling not only sad but also angry about what he said. I got pretty angry in my texts & basically told him to F off& said don't contact me anymore because I only want people in my life that love me no matter how much I weigh. So, hopefully I won't regret telling him off but at the time it felt good to do that because I was just SO hurt & upset about what he said.

I'

m

now starting day 3 of no contact. The first two days he barely contacted me at all (1 text per day) & then yesterday he tried contacting me several times (a few phone calls & a few texts). In one of his texts he asked if I was out on a date. I just ignored him & didn't respond to any of his attempts to contact me since he wasn't saying anything at all about actually wanting to be in a relationship with me again. I wasn't really expecting him to say that when he called yesterday but it did irritate me that he didn't even apologize for the comments he made about my weight when we talked the other day.

Edited February 12, 2011 by Butterfly5525

[angelboots]

i guess this is why maintaining NC is so important.. because every time we break it there will always be something said or not said that is like poking an open wound. I have broken NC so many times it ended up almost completely destroying my self esteem and had me questioning which way was up.

 

Your ex sounds like a superficial ******* and you deserve much better treatment then that. Personally if a guy was to put stipulations on us getting back together on something as superficial as that i would be so turned off BUT i do know that when you love someone its not that easy, my ex has done some truly truly disgusting things that 99% of people would have walked away from and never looked back, but yet my heart still hurts for things to be different.

 

I think people mistake NC with a game of "conditional" NC.. they think things like "if he says " i want you back" Ill respond"

 

or "if she messages me that she wants to talk about things maybe it will mean she wants me back"

 

I know because i rationalized breaking NC in those ways at different times, and my ex always knew exactly what to say to get my walls down.. like he would talk about how much he loved me and we would end the call saying we were working things out... then i wouldn't hear from him for ages and now, just yesterday he told me he still thinks about me all the time and that if he moves home he would so give me another chance... and i laughed and told him that its funny he thinks he has that power... because i wouldn't give things another go if he begged me as there is too much damage done.

 

It has taken 5 months to reach this point and while i still wish things were different i am broaching the point of acceptance.. even though acceptance doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

 

I hope you feel better soon but truly dont let him dictate that you need to look a certain way to be with him, if you feel you want to lose weight then do it for yourself... then hit the town with your head held high and a guy who deserves you at your best... not who rejects you based solely on the superficial.

 

~xx~

[D78]

Butterfly5525,

 

I'm sorry your ex made you feel so bad. He's truly a **** for saying those things to you. It's good that you've gone NC, so he can't hurt you any more.

 

You said your goal weight was 125. Since you want to lose weight regardless of whether you are with him, I think you should go for it. You sound like you already know how to lose weight without sacrificing your health.

 

Once you reach your goal, your confidence will be so much higher, just from having reached your goal. While losing weight, work on picturing your life without your ex.

 

And, don't ever call him again. Find a guy who doesn't enjoy putting you down, and who likes you for you. I guarantee there's more than one out there. Let the new guy enjoy your new confidence and figure.

 

I know this is all much easier said than done, but I promise you that you are stronger than you know. You can do it. It will feel great to wake up one day without the cloud of your ex hanging over your head.

 

Good luck.

[Butterfly5525]

Thanks so much for your input & support Angelboots & D78! I really appreciate it.