irc333 Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 After my recent experience, I don't think I could get physical with a woman in ANY way, without at least referring to as the woman I'm "Seeing" I get embarassed when friends give me the thumbs up or ask about a woman I'm with, and having to tell them that we're not "Together" (that's just one fo the factors) Plus, after I reach a certain point of physicalness (if there's such a word, lol), I typically deem them as someone I'm seeing exclusively. (not necessarily a girlfriend, but just someone I'm "seeing", like "Seeing" how things go - but I don't think she's "seeing me, to see how things go romantically.) Anyone like this?
kdark Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 I can't do the fwb thing either, but for a different reason. Every time I've started an fwb type relationship with a girl, after a month or so, she starts wanting more than that, and she ends up getting hurt. And I don't want to be "that guy" who leaves a trail of heart broken, bitter women behind him, so I'll just pass on sex until I feel like getting more serious.
Author irc333 Posted February 12, 2011 Author Posted February 12, 2011 Yeah, it just opens up a can of worms. I actually didn't have sex with a woman because I wanted to know how she felt about being exlusive....she said she didn't want to do any kind of exclusive dating, so I had to call it off. I"m not going to cross over that boundary until I can get a firm grip on our exclusivity. I can't do the fwb thing either, but for a different reason. Every time I've started an fwb type relationship with a girl, after a month or so, she starts wanting more than that, and she ends up getting hurt. And I don't want to be "that guy" who leaves a trail of heart broken, bitter women behind him, so I'll just pass on sex until I feel like getting more serious.
january2011 Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 I don't think I'm made this way either. I can't harden my heart enough to go through a relationship where only a connection at the physical level is on the table. And if we're not on the same page regarding exclusivity, then that's definitely a dealbreaker.
Roadlesstaken Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 I could not do a FWB thing either. I know that I would get attached at the emotional level. Good for you for calling it off.
angelboots Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 I think the FWB thing needs to have so many rules and regulations its an exercise in futility. If it takes as much effort to abide by the "code of ethics" involved as a relationship but its based purely on physical comfort then what is the point? The amount of rules and regulations on both ends eventually causes conflict anyway and both parties always want the upper hand in some way. I have had two FWB relationships, one when i was in my late teens ended because i wanted more,,, then later the next one in my mid twenties ended because he wanted more. Either way its unlikely that someone will be happy with the arrangement longer then a few months... and I know now from experience that its not my bag. I prefer sex to mean something more then a few hours of emotionless sex a week.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 I don't think I'm made this way either. I can't harden my heart enough to go through a relationship where only a connection at the physical level is on the table. And if we're not on the same page regarding exclusivity, then that's definitely a dealbreaker. I can certainly do ONS, but FWB requires too much time and effort to maintain contact with someone who doesn't respect you as much as a piece of ass on a Queen sized bed.
spackle Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 fwb is not for me. tried it and failed, anytime I tried to get talking about how things should go e.g if we start seeing someone we should let the other person know etc he'd flee in a panic! This from a guy who wanted to be exclusive and at one point said he loved me well talk is cheap and yeah I felt invested. I can't be with someone physically if I don't like them and want them so what's the point of giving someone my affection like that when in actual fact I'd want it again the next day and the next To me now, it's meaningless.
kdark Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 I can certainly do ONS, but FWB requires too much time and effort to maintain contact with someone who doesn't respect you as much as a piece of ass on a Queen sized bed. Not all of us treat our fwb's like that. And that is where my problem comes in. I treated my fwb's like I would any of my other female friends, but with the added "benefit" of sex at the end of the night. This confused the hell out of them, and they always wanted something more serious after a few weeks/months. Do you think that it is inherently disrespectful for someone to want to have sex with someone, but not date them? My last fwb told me that I was doing it all wrong, I shouldn't be so nice to her, I shouldn't have invited her to my house, and I definitely shouldn't have looked her in the eyes during sex. She said I was leading her on.
Duckduckgoose Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 I tried FWB with the guy I was dating before I met my stbxH. It crashed and burned.
spackle Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 Not all of us treat our fwb's like that. And that is where my problem comes in. I treated my fwb's like I would any of my other female friends, but with the added "benefit" of sex at the end of the night. This confused the hell out of them, and they always wanted something more serious after a few weeks/months. Do you think that it is inherently disrespectful for someone to want to have sex with someone, but not date them? My last fwb told me that I was doing it all wrong, I shouldn't be so nice to her, I shouldn't have invited her to my house, and I definitely shouldn't have looked her in the eyes during sex. She said I was leading her on. possibly because if you were dating or looking for more I would expect to go to your place etc. It's not about being nice but the fact is if either party is acting like they would do if they were dating someone then yeah it get's real confusing. As for the issue of respect it's something I've asked myself and eventually him that question - We both get on, we both like each other, we've both said we're looking for a gf/bf then why don't we just try a date? I felt dissrepected when he wouldn't give me an answer, would have respected him if he'd just come out and say 'sorry not interested'. Grrr So now for me, if I'm good enough to be considered a friend and I'm good enough to sleep with I'm bloody well good enough to be someones gf/partner and I won't sell myself short for less than that.
Woggle Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 I tried it once with a woman who I was sure was on the same page and she ended up wanting more. I don't really have a moral objection to this kind of situation if both partners know what the score is but more often than not it seems that it turns into drama.
spackle Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 blame oxytocin. Makes us want to cuddle/bond after sex, men release it to but testerone decreases its affects.
SmileFace Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 It is not for everyone. I have one and it has worked out - so far. Like I said - it is not for everyone . I also don't think these type of relationships should last more than 8 - 10 months. Well not in the same context.
kdark Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 possibly because if you were dating or looking for more I would expect to go to your place etc. It's not about being nice but the fact is if either party is acting like they would do if they were dating someone then yeah it get's real confusing. As for the issue of respect it's something I've asked myself and eventually him that question - We both get on, we both like each other, we've both said we're looking for a gf/bf then why don't we just try a date? I felt dissrepected when he wouldn't give me an answer, would have respected him if he'd just come out and say 'sorry not interested'. Grrr So now for me, if I'm good enough to be considered a friend and I'm good enough to sleep with I'm bloody well good enough to be someones gf/partner and I won't sell myself short for less than that. Fair enough. I would go out to eat, go out to bars, and watch movies at one's house with my fwbs. Now that I think about it, I could totally see why they would classify what we were doing as dates and not just "friends hanging out who also have sex." If you are good friends with a girl and you just happen to also have sex with her, how much of a difference is that from actually dating them? Is it solely the exclusivity, the actual label of "dating", or some other element I'm not seeing?
elaina Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 I can't do the fwb thing either, but for a different reason. Every time I've started an fwb type relationship with a girl, after a month or so, she starts wanting more than that, and she ends up getting hurt. And I don't want to be "that guy" who leaves a trail of heart broken, bitter women behind him, so I'll just pass on sex until I feel like getting more serious. That's cool that you care about girls' feelings. I don't think I'm made this way either. I can't harden my heart enough to go through a relationship where only a connection at the physical level is on the table. And if we're not on the same page regarding exclusivity, then that's definitely a dealbreaker. Totally agree with you January! I've learned this the hard way.
spackle Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 Fair enough. I would go out to eat, go out to bars, and watch movies at one's house with my fwbs. Now that I think about it, I could totally see why they would classify what we were doing as dates and not just "friends hanging out who also have sex." If you are good friends with a girl and you just happen to also have sex with her, how much of a difference is that from actually dating them? Is it solely the exclusivity, the actual label of "dating", or some other element I'm not seeing? I'm glad you see how things can get muddled. I don't think it's so much exclusivity as plenty of people seem to multi-date these days, again not for me but hey-ho. I think it's a matter of definition and implication. FWB is a fancy term for casual sex. Again there are plenty of people who date just for sex, however, with FWB the implication is that it's just sex without committment and zero potential for a future. There are lots of reasons people date but somewhere on that list is that they're looking for a partner/relationship, fwb does not have this.
Author irc333 Posted February 12, 2011 Author Posted February 12, 2011 yeah, I think the deal breaker for me was , like I said, my friends noticing me with this lovely lady. They kind of knew I was looking for a girlfriend, and were rootin' for me, too. I had quite a few friends ask about, and I felt really wierd about answering them, should I lie, and say we're seeing each other. SOME just assumed that I had found a nice girl to date, and gave me an "atta boy!" Knowing I couldn't live in the true knowledge that this is a farse. I can't tell them, "Nah, we're just Friends with Benefits", they'd probably go "WTF??" I can't actually see how a woman could do it, figured men were more into the FWB, than women...but now women are evolving into doing the same things as men when it comes to this kind of thing....it's kind of scarey that the gender that's known for it's emotions, nuturement, and compassion...is getting as callous as men. yikes! I think the FWB thing needs to have so many rules and regulations its an exercise in futility. If it takes as much effort to abide by the "code of ethics" involved as a relationship but its based purely on physical comfort then what is the point? The amount of rules and regulations on both ends eventually causes conflict anyway and both parties always want the upper hand in some way. I have had two FWB relationships, one when i was in my late teens ended because i wanted more,,, then later the next one in my mid twenties ended because he wanted more. Either way its unlikely that someone will be happy with the arrangement longer then a few months... and I know now from experience that its not my bag. I prefer sex to mean something more then a few hours of emotionless sex a week.
Quickill Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 So now for me, if I'm good enough to be considered a friend and I'm good enough to sleep with I'm bloody well good enough to be someones gf/partner and I won't sell myself short for less than that. Damn Straight, couldn't have said it any better.
SmileFace Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 (edited) ....................... Edited February 12, 2011 by SmileFace nevermind
Woggle Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 A ONS is just a one time thing while a FWB type of relationship confuses things. It's rare that both are on the same page. I have had a few ONS that I do not regret but the FWB relationship is something that should have never happened.
onetoughkitty Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 Had an ex I just wanted to be friends with, he wants the benefits too. As much as I enjoy his company, I don't think we can see each other again because when I have sex, I want it to be with someone I love and who reciprocates that love. Suck because I would love to hang out with him but I don't want to deal with that pressure of him wanting me. Ugh.
Author irc333 Posted February 12, 2011 Author Posted February 12, 2011 I knew of this one girl that had a guy as a FWB, after months of this, she fell for another man (and started dating that guy). She had to cease activity with the FWB guy, and the FWB got all ticked off about it, because now....simply he isn't getting laid anymore. So it doesn't even work out if it's a purely physical relationship either. There's still kind of frustration built up.
spackle Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 yeah, I think the deal breaker for me was , like I said, my friends noticing me with this lovely lady. They kind of knew I was looking for a girlfriend, and were rootin' for me, too. I had quite a few friends ask about, and I felt really wierd about answering them, should I lie, and say we're seeing each other. SOME just assumed that I had found a nice girl to date, and gave me an "atta boy!" Knowing I couldn't live in the true knowledge that this is a farse. I can't tell them, "Nah, we're just Friends with Benefits", they'd probably go "WTF??" I can't actually see how a woman could do it, figured men were more into the FWB, than women...but now women are evolving into doing the same things as men when it comes to this kind of thing....it's kind of scarey that the gender that's known for it's emotions, nuturement, and compassion...is getting as callous as men. yikes! ouch I don't think it's about being callous, I think partially as jobs and lifestyles have changed, it can be hard work to find a partner and some of us do like sex but not necessarily want the risk of ONS and fwb sounds on paper like a workable idea. Like lots of things on paper it sounds better than the reality for most of us.
angelboots Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 (edited) ouch I don't think it's about being callous, I think partially as jobs and lifestyles have changed, it can be hard work to find a partner and some of us do like sex but not necessarily want the risk of ONS and fwb sounds on paper like a workable idea. Like lots of things on paper it sounds better than the reality for most of us. Agreed, I don't Know if my reply was quoted as an example of callousness or not but if it was I feel slighted by the insinuation. As I stated, though I have experienced the situation, its isn't my thing and was a lesson learned... through experience. As for ONS, that, I have never been able to do, But both men I had FWB with I had known many years and on many levels we all respected each other before, during and after the fact. So now for me, if I'm good enough to be considered a friend and I'm good enough to sleep with I'm bloody well good enough to be someones gf/partner and I won't sell myself short for less than that. couldn't agree more spakle Edited February 13, 2011 by angelboots
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