msbrightside Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 I thought was doing ok with NC with my xOM .. (2 whole weeks ) that is until today... i texted him with work related question and he replied right away, curt and simple..and no replies to my continued chit chat texts... of course i didn't HAVE to ask HIM this question.. but i miss everything about us so i did... His D became final 6 weeks ago.. we started our A almost 2 yrs ago and he ended it with me the day he signed final D papers, which happened to coincide with me telling him i did not plan to leave my H bc his mother just passed away suddenly. I am the cake-eater. I am like most MM that I read about on here. I strung xOM along throughout his separation, made promises i didn't think through, all the while living a comfortable life with my unknowing BS, and now that my AP finally got the strength to leave me alone I'm a mess... When he ended the A he said he wanted to stay friends, but that's not gonna work...I still love him and I'll always want more. He didn't even really mean that he wanted to be friends, did he? Men can't go from wanting to marry a woman to just being friends, right? That was just an exit strategy I guess. He hasn't initiated any contact; I am the one who texted him all the time at first after the breakup, demanding him to explain every little stupid thing, and he always replied..then I got mad and started NC til today. I am still so hung up and I can't even focus on my H and my own marriage like I know I need to do! What will it take for me to let it go and move on????
Summer Breeze Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 I thought was doing ok with NC with my xOM .. (2 whole weeks ) that is until today... i texted him with work related question and he replied right away, curt and simple..and no replies to my continued chit chat texts... of course i didn't HAVE to ask HIM this question.. but i miss everything about us so i did... His D became final 6 weeks ago.. we started our A almost 2 yrs ago and he ended it with me the day he signed final D papers, which happened to coincide with me telling him i did not plan to leave my H bc his mother just passed away suddenly. I am the cake-eater. I am like most MM that I read about on here. I strung xOM along throughout his separation, made promises i didn't think through, all the while living a comfortable life with my unknowing BS, and now that my AP finally got the strength to leave me alone I'm a mess... When he ended the A he said he wanted to stay friends, but that's not gonna work...I still love him and I'll always want more. He didn't even really mean that he wanted to be friends, did he? Men can't go from wanting to marry a woman to just being friends, right? That was just an exit strategy I guess. He hasn't initiated any contact; I am the one who texted him all the time at first after the breakup, demanding him to explain every little stupid thing, and he always replied..then I got mad and started NC til today. I am still so hung up and I can't even focus on my H and my own marriage like I know I need to do! What will it take for me to let it go and move on???? Bolded-you want more and he wants everything. Why would he want to be your friend if he's well aware you want more but not even close to what he wants? How could you be friends in a situation like that? Leave him alone. He's moving on and he's made it pretty clear he doesn't need your particular brand of friendship. You may love him but right now your ego wants you to be fed more cake.
jj33 Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 Ditto what Summer said. He doesnt want to be the OM anymore. Respect that.
East7 Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 His D became final 6 weeks ago.. we started our A almost 2 yrs ago and he ended it with me the day he signed final D papers, which happened to coincide with me telling him i did not plan to leave my H bc his mother just passed away suddenly. I wonder what kept you from leaving your H until his mother passed (2 yrs A is a long time). At least he made a choice, he stopped cake-eating, you didn't. Maybe he has really loved you but I think he is grieving from his divorce...Maybe you have been his exit affair (you can tell exit affairs from the fact that when D is done they suddenly disappear or are no longer interested) Even supposed he really wants you he will ask you to divorce too...He must be tired of being the OM. But not sure you are ready to divorce. Instead focus on what do YOU want ! If you want your M to work, let him go. If you want to be with him let your H free.
jthorne Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 I have to take issue with one thing you said. You said you loved him, but then admitted that you strung him along. No one with any human decency REALLY loves someone and then treats them so shabbily. What you loved was getting your needs met. Any person could have met those needs, not just xOM. So stop lying to yourself about the love. Loving people and using them are two different animals. I strongly recommend counseling.
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 Honestly, this sounds more like an ego hurt than a "I am inlove and completely devastated" kind of hurt. Let him go. He made a decision and ended things with you. NC is in place for a reason. Respect that.
Heather1 Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 I'm confused by the friendship line too?? I haven't been initiating contact at all, and that really helps me. The last few weeks we've had a series of unexpected things happen & he was quick to contact me & help me out, unsolicited, and make sure I was OK. So I know he wants to be "just friends." Maybe that's all he ever wanted? Sure enough, I took all those nice things he's done & said over the past few weeks to mean more, and that's where the problem lies. Until I have no other thoughts besides platonic, I can't be friends. & sure enough, after all the stuff he's helped me out w/ the last few weeks I told him to have a Happy Valentines....w/ no reply. He doesn't even go there anymore. He ONLY wants friends, & I'm w/ you
Author msbrightside Posted February 14, 2011 Author Posted February 14, 2011 I wonder what kept you from leaving your H until his mother passed (2 yrs A is a long time). At least he made a choice, he stopped cake-eating, you didn't. Maybe he has really loved you but I think he is grieving from his divorce...Maybe you have been his exit affair (you can tell exit affairs from the fact that when D is done they suddenly disappear or are no longer interested) I didn't leave my H bc xOM first tried to end our A about 6 mos into it when his W found out. He told me (while sobbing) that he loved me but that he owed it to his young son to work on M. However, NC only lasted a couple of days until he contacted me saying he loved me, not her, and he wanted to be with me. So we carried on the A as it was before D-day, but I knew he was in MC and she (at that time) didn't kick him out. From that point on I never fully believed that he really wanted out of his M. Months passed and then another D-day, she found e-mails between him and me. That time she did kick him out and filed for divorce. So, actually, he didn't make the choice to not be a cake-eater. She made it for him. East, that part of your post about me being an "exit affair" really makes sense and I had not ever considered that before. His marriage was def rocky before we met and he always claimed it would have ended even if he had never cheated. Although we told each other (repeatedly) that we were deeply in love and wanted to be married to each other, I now think (looking back) that he really wanted to stay married to her and keep his life as it was. At this point I am at a crossroads regarding my own M, but I am glad I didn't end it for him. I won't plan to leave my M for any man. I am in IC now and trying to find out what my voids are that I looked to fill in the A. I know it's over and I'm trying hard to move on to focus on what I will do with my own life and with my M. I really did love my xOM, and (unfortunately) still do at this point. Can't wait to get to the indifference stage...But I see a little progress in me given the fact that I no longer wonder if he really loved me or not. I know he doesn't love me now; I know he no longer wants to be 2nd to my H, and that is helping me get over him. Thanks to all for your comments.
ladydesigner Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 I have to take issue with one thing you said. You said you loved him, but then admitted that you strung him along. No one with any human decency REALLY loves someone and then treats them so shabbily. What you loved was getting your needs met. Any person could have met those needs, not just xOM. So stop lying to yourself about the love. Loving people and using them are two different animals. I strongly recommend counseling. I am an xMOW and I have to agree with this post. It wasn't until I found LS that it really opened my eyes to this. Great post Jthorne, very to the point. Not an easy point to swallow for us MOW's or MM, but a good one!
ladydesigner Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 I didn't leave my H bc xOM first tried to end our A about 6 mos into it when his W found out. He told me (while sobbing) that he loved me but that he owed it to his young son to work on M. However, NC only lasted a couple of days until he contacted me saying he loved me, not her, and he wanted to be with me. So we carried on the A as it was before D-day, but I knew he was in MC and she (at that time) didn't kick him out. From that point on I never fully believed that he really wanted out of his M. Months passed and then another D-day, she found e-mails between him and me. That time she did kick him out and filed for divorce. So, actually, he didn't make the choice to not be a cake-eater. She made it for him. East, that part of your post about me being an "exit affair" really makes sense and I had not ever considered that before. His marriage was def rocky before we met and he always claimed it would have ended even if he had never cheated. Although we told each other (repeatedly) that we were deeply in love and wanted to be married to each other, I now think (looking back) that he really wanted to stay married to her and keep his life as it was. At this point I am at a crossroads regarding my own M, but I am glad I didn't end it for him. I won't plan to leave my M for any man. I am in IC now and trying to find out what my voids are that I looked to fill in the A. I know it's over and I'm trying hard to move on to focus on what I will do with my own life and with my M. I really did love my xOM, and (unfortunately) still do at this point. Can't wait to get to the indifference stage...But I see a little progress in me given the fact that I no longer wonder if he really loved me or not. I know he doesn't love me now; I know he no longer wants to be 2nd to my H, and that is helping me get over him. Thanks to all for your comments. msbrightside a question for you. If you really think of a relationship with your XOM becoming a reality , would you see it working out? When I look back at what I had with my xOM it was a FANTASY. I know for a fact we never would have made it in reality. We really were two different people and there were some issues my xOM had that would never fly with me in a real relationship.
Author msbrightside Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 msbrightside a question for you. If you really think of a relationship with your XOM becoming a reality , would you see it working out? When I look back at what I had with my xOM it was a FANTASY. I know for a fact we never would have made it in reality. We really were two different people and there were some issues my xOM had that would never fly with me in a real relationship. Well, here is how I look at this: Both of our M's were very bad when we met, and heading for divorce. His divorce is now final and my marriage will, in likelihood, also end. I understand what you are saying about fantasy, and it can be argued that he and and I only presented the sides of ourselves we wanted the other to see. So that is not reality. Also, entering into any affair is done to ESCAPE FROM REALITY.. But with that said, I believe that if xOM and I met and dated well after we both divorced that we would have had a great chance at a happy life together. We spent a lot of time together after his separation bc my H was working out of the country and got to know each other very well. And I believe we truly loved one another. Basically, I believe the feelings between us were very real, even if the situation may have been fantasy.
Author msbrightside Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 I have to take issue with one thing you said. You said you loved him, but then admitted that you strung him along. No one with any human decency REALLY loves someone and then treats them so shabbily. What you loved was getting your needs met. Any person could have met those needs, not just xOM. So stop lying to yourself about the love. Loving people and using them are two different animals. I strongly recommend counseling. I chose the phrase "strung him along" because I was/am trying to talk myself out of the love I still feel for him. The fact is that, for whatever reason, I don't feel ready to leave my M. Of course I could never have expected OM to wait for me, and I didn't expect that. When his M ended, I told him several times that I would understand if he wanted to end things and be with someone who is single, to which he always replied that he only wanted me. He finally got the courage to end it when I told him in no uncertain terms that I would not leave my H anytime soon bc his mother had just passed away. I admit that I used him, just as he may have used me as an "exit affair". But I do believe we loved one another. I am newly in IC and now trying to determine, among other things, why I started the affair, what void I was looking to fill, and how I can get to the root of it.
Emme Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Earlier today I was so sad. Thinking about how i ruined my best friends marriage since he got caught and his wife knows. I imagine he had a hard day today. His wife must be hating him with a passion and all because we couldn't stop communication. Then I realized... I might have help this woman to get the best valentines day gift she's ever gotten. I hope he was smart about it and broke the bank.
bentnotbroken Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Earlier today I was so sad. Thinking about how i ruined my best friends marriage since he got caught and his wife knows. I imagine he had a hard day today. His wife must be hating him with a passion and all because we couldn't stop communication. Then I realized... I might have help this woman to get the best valentines day gift she's ever gotten. I hope he was smart about it and broke the bank. And what does that mean? It will make up for the deceit she endured? Not likely.
Emme Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 And what does that mean? It will make up for the deceit she endured? Not likely. That means what it says. Us f-ing up hopefully made him dig really deep to get her the best gift ever. Hopefully.
bentnotbroken Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 That means what it says. Us f-ing up hopefully made him dig really deep to get her the best gift ever. Hopefully. I understand what you hope will happen, but nothing he can give her will give her back her life before d-day. I do understand your sentiment though.
pureinheart Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I understand what you hope will happen, but nothing he can give her will give her back her life before d-day. I do understand your sentiment though. Give her life back? Where did her life go? Are you saying that the A took her life....too much....
bentnotbroken Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Give her life back? Where did her life go? Are you saying that the A took her life....too much.... Give the life she had before she found out who she was really married to. Emme I understand what you meant by your original statement.
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