sweetblubrry Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 My boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me 2 weeks out completely out of nowhere. There were no warning signs. It was very emotional for the both of us. He was crying telling me that I deserve better than him, he doesn't deserve me, etc. He also I felt came up with a lot of excuses with his friends saying he is different around me, that he can't be himself. I have no idea... but did have a mutual friend talk to him and she said that he just doesn't know what he wants in life or who he is. I am devastated. Does this mean there is no hope? I am so happy with him.. but he has been very stressed about his life and where he is going. Things haven't exactly been going his way lately (he had some car trouble, traffic issues, license suspended, etc) And he is stuck in a job that he wants to get out of. I feel like no matter how wonderful I tell him he is, he won't believe it. What is worse, is that his best friend did this exact same thing to one of my best friends a few months ago. The whole "i dont know who i am or what i want" card. It kills me because he just does not believe anything good that I say about him. This also I wonder stemmed from a convo we had 3 weeks ago. I posted about it on my last post. he told me he didn't like sex, after I confronted him about it. Just in general he does not enjoy it. I was upset at first, but I accepted it. But he got all upset at me during the breakup saying I said something was wrong with him... when I never did! It is just such a HUGE issue for him, and I'm not sure why. I think because he faced a lot of ridicule about it or he is having internal conflict about it. I love him, why would I say that? He has been dumped by many girls when he admits this to them... And when he dumped one girl, she actually went out and spread all these rumors at work about him saying he couldn't get it up, he's gay, etc. Well I am the classy one and I have not said a thing. I really think he was afraid that I would be just like them and do the same thing. But I am still not 100% that this is the issue. I am not sure what to do. I love him and I miss him so much. we work together so i am bound to run into him. But I have not seen him in almost 2 weeks and we have not spoken through phone/facebook/email. I am waiting for him to contact me.... we have not spoken since the breakup night. What do you do in situations like this? I don't want to lose him but I don't think I can be friends with him. Do guys in these situations normally come around eventually? I had one ex do something similar (though he had a lot more problems like anger) and he eventually came back. But by then I had realized what a jerk he was (very angry, abusive verbally). This guy is not a jerk... I just think he is very confused. The only thing he has done wrong thus far is this breakup. Our relationship was very close and we did not fight, and had merely disagreements. This is the backstory.. UPDATE. Gathering from his facebook posts, he is having a breakdown., He keeps posting about sorting his feelings out, and that he needed spiritual strength to get thru this day (and he is not religious in any way). His friends have talked to him and he won't talk about what is going on. They say he is so far out there. So I am wondering if he is having a breakdown. NOW I know you should follow NC. Because he did break up with me. It kills me because I don't know what to do. I know he is going thru something... do I just stand back and let his friends handle it? He obviously isn't even talking to them about it.. so why would he talk to me? Any advice? I am trying to figure out what the problem is. I still love him and it hurts me that I don't know what is going on and can't help him.
depplover_1980 Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 I am putting my neck on the line with this one but there is a possibility he is gay. He doesn't like sex and has great confusion over 'who he is' etc...it is extremely difficult to come out and admit it causing huge anguish. I don't want to elaborate further as I have never met him, but from your story that is what my instinct says.
PurpleReign Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 I am putting my neck on the line with this one but there is a possibility he is gay. He doesn't like sex and has great confusion over 'who he is' etc...it is extremely difficult to come out and admit it causing huge anguish. I don't want to elaborate further as I have never met him, but from your story that is what my instinct says. That's the first thing I thought when I read this.
depplover_1980 Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 Sweetb, you cannot go wading in mentioning this to him though, but I gave my advice for you to perhaps move on. Overall stick to NC and get yourself moving on without him, but be very wary of this relationship and also be honest with yourself - do you want a life without sex?
Ajax Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 I am putting my neck on the line with this one but there is a possibility he is gay. He doesn't like sex and has great confusion over 'who he is' etc...it is extremely difficult to come out and admit it causing huge anguish. I don't want to elaborate further as I have never met him, but from your story that is what my instinct says. There's also a possibility that he's genuinely assexual and isn't sexually attracted to either sex. I have read that people who are assexual can still have the desire for emotional intimacy from one or both sexes but lack all interest in physical and sexual intimacy. Regardless of his sexual orientation, it's clear that he needs to sort out his feelings as he's said. And there's nothing you can do to help him if he doesn't want your help. As hard as it is the best thing you can do for either of you is to give him his space.
depplover_1980 Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 The asexuality occured to me but it is extremely rare and teamed with his 'confusions' I would put money on the homosexuality. But overall I would say consider if you would want a sexless relationship, it could work it you don't have many physical needs either but again the chances of that are rare.
Author sweetblubrry Posted February 13, 2011 Author Posted February 13, 2011 I am not denying the possibility that he is gay. I have seen the most conservative people change. He is physically able to be intimate... he just doesn't like it. I feel like it has to do with his past experiences and the fact they were all negative. But I don't know... UPDATE. I actually ran into him at work today. I casually went up and asked how he was doing. And he said I'm fine, why? I said well because of your fb statuses... I just wanted to see if you were okay. He said a friend of the family passed away.... I was like okay. He asked me how I was and I said okay and walked away. I really am not buying that answer. He could have just told his friends that... its fishy. It was too easy getting it out of him... so I think he just said that because he didn't want to talk about it. :/
Author sweetblubrry Posted February 13, 2011 Author Posted February 13, 2011 I am not denying the possibility that he is gay. I have seen the most conservative people change. He is physically able to be intimate... he just doesn't like it. I feel like it has to do with his past experiences and the fact they were all negative. But I don't know... UPDATE. I actually ran into him at work today. I casually went up and asked how he was doing. And he said I'm fine, why? I said well because of your fb statuses... I just wanted to see if you were okay. He said a friend of the family passed away.... I was like okay. He asked me how I was and I said okay and walked away. I really am not buying that answer. He could have just told his friends that... its fishy. It was too easy getting it out of him... so I think he just said that because he didn't want to talk about it. :/ This was the first time I had contact with him in over 2 weeks, since the breakup night.
Author sweetblubrry Posted February 13, 2011 Author Posted February 13, 2011 Update 2. So i ended up working with him today.... and let me tell you it was hard. He didn't say anything to me but we did make eye contact briefly a few times. And I think he wasn't saying anything because he was afraid of all my co-workers (he is from a different dept) They are all on my side because they just are, not that I said anything. They saw the breakup for what happened... and can't believe someone could do that to me (so suddenly like that). But he kept walking near me and even at one point standing right next to me. But we are focused on our customers. It kills me, i miss him so much. I just want him to realize what a mistake he has made and come back. He is going through something and needs space I guess. From what I have heard he is not even calling back his guy friends who are worried about him. My co-workers said I handled it very well... and that you would look at me and see that I had this happy innocence about me.. like you wouldn't have known anything was wrong. Help, I need advice!
depplover_1980 Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 You may have to start considering his 'problem' is that he doesn't want to be with you. Sometimes we do try and reason the problems too much cos the truth is too hurtful. Right now he doesn't want you, so keep giving him space. However I think it sounds like you did great at work, as it must be so difficult so well done. Keep your head up, a smile and keep pretending everything will be ok until it finally is ok!!
Recommended Posts