Renny_H Posted March 25, 2004 Posted March 25, 2004 Quick! I need help! I think I offended a girl from my class via email. She told me I was too mysterious and was having trouble getting to know me. Then I sent an email back that I’m now regretting. Okay, in the context of the situation, I felt I was being assertive, pointing out that if she didn’t ask me questions and approach me, of course I’m gonna be mysterious. I think I fully placed the blame on her, though I constantly stated that I understand her perspective. She hasn’t replied for days, though I know she goes on the Net constantly. I’m tearing my hair out, not knowing if I was aggressive and bullying instead of assertive and confident. I need to know what she’s thinking. Okay, let’s say she is pissed at me and she DID think I was being an a$$. What should I do to rectify the situation if our next contact isn’t until school on Monday? Should I approach her, beg for forgiveness OR act confident in my opinion (and potentially lose her)? Dyermaker, Arabess, moimeme, how the f**k should I conduct myself?
Papillon Posted March 25, 2004 Posted March 25, 2004 Well, the best thing you can do is to tell her that you think you've been an arse, and admit this to her, and that you're afraid that you might have hurt her feelings, and that that was the last thing on your mind. I'm sure the honesty would melt any ice building up. You don't describe your relationship with this girl in any detail, so it's hard to give any other advice.
Author Renny_H Posted March 25, 2004 Author Posted March 25, 2004 Alright, details. A quick run-down: We started school 7 weeks ago. She’s 18. I’m 20. I fell for her at first sight. Her interest in me has been on and off. Every conversation we’ve had has relied on me approaching her and asking questions. She hardly asks me anything. The whole deal is umcomfortable cos I think I’m moving too fast, not allowing it to occur naturally. I often skip class because I’m depressed. I yearn more attention from her. Anyway, after a real ****ty day between her and me not knowing whether to speak to each other, I send an email to clear some s**t up. I tell her that I basically like her and that I’ve been staying back cos I don’t know if she likes me cos she never approaches me. Well, she responds, saying she does like me, but I’m never around, I’m too mysterious, she can’t get to know me. Anyway, the main issue was cleared up. We understood why we were avoiding each other. I sent the next email to clarify some further issues I established from her email. This is the part I’m unsure of, that I’m regretting. I told her ‘If you don’t show me interest, why should I go near you? Why’d you think I’m never around? Of course you’ll think I’m mysterious if you don’t care to ask questions.’ That’s as assertive as it gets. But then I tell her I felt like a sleaze always starting the conversations. I say ‘What are you afraid of? I’ve never lashed out, have I?” This, to me, feels like bullying. I then tell her STUPIDLY to forget everything I said, that I was just joking, to pretend this never happened. ARGH! I’m so idiotic. I was hoping this would generate sympathy, that she’d try to make me feel better. But she’s remained silent for days. I even told her to ‘Just block me out.’ I wanted to worry her that the whole relationship had disintegrated, alright? At the end, I say ‘I appreciate you telling me the truth.’ I’m not sure if this girl will be timid of me on Monday, or if she’ll be pissed real bad. Also remember that she knows I’m pleasant in person, but that I think I might have shocked her by this sensitive and revealing second email. I just didn’t want to beg for attention. I wanted to make clear that her ideals were contradictory. Am I screwed? Should she be reasonable (i.e. bow to me), or should I beg next time (i.e. like an obsessed freak)? P.S. I’m sure she’s the timid-type.
Arabess Posted March 25, 2004 Posted March 25, 2004 You could come into class carrying a white flag on a little stick and smile at her. You could come into class wearing a T-SHirt which says 'I Am A SMARTASS' and look guilty. You could text message her with a "Would you like to go out for a cup of coffee?". You could bombard her with all three. Even if she doesn't respond....she will think you are clever! Seriously, I don't know why she is acting the way she is. If she wasn't interested in you, she wouldn't have contacted you in the first place. Maybe she DID pick up that you were trying to be a cocky jerk. Who knows??? I would just ask her to go out for a cup of coffee after class or something. Make sure and keep us posted on what you decide to do and how she responds!
Author Renny_H Posted March 25, 2004 Author Posted March 25, 2004 I emailed a couple of my friends – they’re guys – and they gave me two different types of opinions. Who has the better argument? From John: F**k, you gave her solutions. That’s real wrong. Dude, she ain’t gonna reply no more. You told her to ‘block me out’ so she’s gonna do that, brush you off so easy. Unless she’s sympathetic and wants to make you feel better, you’ve made yourself into a creep, an overcomplicated sensitive pr!ck and she’s out of your mental depth. You look like you’ve been thinking too hard about her. Honesty won’t impress her this time. That last email looks and sounds so immature. You f**ked up. So badly. Be disciplined in class on Monday. Don’t talk to her. Don’t wave. Get a sense of her. Man, I don’t know! s***. That ‘Just block me out’ sounds so f**king bad. She said she liked you, and it sounds like you’re whinging, giving up, telling her if you don’t f**k me, don’t go near me. BAD! That’s so bad. You f**ked it bad. If she doesn’t reply, it’ll be because of ‘Just block me out.’ That’s so bad. Oh f**k, it’s bad. Dammit, it’s wussy. So damn bad. If she does by some f**king miracle respond, then rectify the situation. Say ‘My email was misplaced.’ Stuff like that. From Greg: No, Renny, No. You were right. She shouldn’t have been so attractive then, led you on and stuff. It’s her fault. Don’t take no s*** from her. You’re more powerful. You offered her your feelings just to clear s*** up, then after she rejected your ideas, you told her how to deal with guys. Sure, you sounded like you deserve her attention, but you’re just being a typical a**h***, telling these silly chicks how to conduct themselves. F**k them. I mean, you were being assertive. She goes, “Err, you’re mysterious, but I don’t talk to you, so, derrrr…” Man, that chick is so f**king dumb! Blow her off. At least there’ll be tension around you two now. She’ll notice you, for your good or your bad. Tension is so romantic. She’ll give in, you watch! Just remember, you were right. You made it clear that she’s a hypocrite, that you didn’t know if you should keep approaching her. She wonders why you’re mysterious, yet doesn’t get to know you, which is F**KING STUPID! I don’t really know what the f**k that chick was thinking. What the f**k! You told her to block you out, so she’s done that. She don’t care. She probably thinks you’re obsessive, full of pride, bullying, making s*** up in your head. No man, you’re not obsessive. You only sent two emails. You’re only seen as an egotistical a**h*** expecting chicks to suck your d!ck. That’s admirable. Trust me, keep this up and it will happen in the future. She probably thinks you’re only after a f**k anyhow. You’re not. You made it clear you want her to ask you more questions. Never mind. In class, just ignore her. It’ll burn you cos that last email was supposed to generate sympathy from her, get her to reply even though you said ‘leave me alone’. Dammit! You have to be strong, stand your ground. Don’t ask for forgiveness. If you do, that’ll show you’re pussy-whipped and want sex. WRONG! Be strong. Never be weird and say, I just wanted to be your friend. You told her to ‘Block me out.’ Let her do it. Wait until Monday. She’ll be heaps sympathetic. Just act distant. She thinks that if she replies, she’s breaking what you said. She’ll be so scared of you, Renny. YES!!! You are the ultimate bada$$. Just go to class. GO TO F**KING CLASS! Get your certificate and you’ll get to university and find better chicks there. Smarter ones. Don’t let this stupid one pussy-whip you. Chicks love jerks. She’ll want in your pants within a week. You apologise, and the tension will go and she’ll make you a friend. Keep yourself in the ‘Lover’ category. And man, she should be chasing you anyway. You’re a real catch. I love your manners.
Arabess Posted March 25, 2004 Posted March 25, 2004 It doesn't matter what your friends think. The only thing that matters is what SHE thinks. When will you see her again?
Author Renny_H Posted March 26, 2004 Author Posted March 26, 2004 I see her on Monday, and I've decided I do not want to act pussy-whipped and give in. If I apologise without knowing if it's necessary, then that'll make me paranoid, insecure, and just after acceptance. No matter how much I'm fond of her, I don't want that. I learnt not to rely on people liking me, but she's my only weakness. She's attractive, but she once told me she doesn't have a good body. Yet still, she has a few other guys in class wrapped around her little finger. They pursue her madly, but she brushes them off easily. She's young and playful, and perhaps not too serious about getting involved with someone. She has a bigger connection with me - I wanna talk, muck about; the other guys are so obviosuly horny, the way they hover around her - but I don't wanna get hurt. She really doesn't realise guys like her; she thinks she's not girlfriend-material. That's so weird. Why isn't she flattered by the attention? How can a girl worry about her appearance when guys are being sucked in by her so easily?
faux Posted March 26, 2004 Posted March 26, 2004 Originally posted by Renny_H I see her on Monday, and I've decided I do not want to act pussy-whipped and give in. If I apologise without knowing if it's necessary, then that'll make me paranoid, insecure, and just after acceptance. No matter how much I'm fond of her, I don't want that. I learnt not to rely on people liking me, but she's my only weakness. She's attractive, but she once told me she doesn't have a good body. Yet still, she has a few other guys in class wrapped around her little finger. They pursue her madly, but she brushes them off easily. She's young and playful, and perhaps not too serious about getting involved with someone. She has a bigger connection with me - I wanna talk, muck about; the other guys are so obviosuly horny, the way they hover around her - but I don't wanna get hurt. She really doesn't realise guys like her; she thinks she's not girlfriend-material. That's so weird. Why isn't she flattered by the attention? How can a girl worry about her appearance when guys are being sucked in by her so easily? It sounds that she might not be worth pursuing for a serious relationship. If you managed to say such harsh things in your email, and you really are still interested in her, let her make the next move seeing as you may have said too much, or give it some time and confront her in person about this issue. As for your last question, women are at a much greater risk to suffer from some form of psychological problem. This girl may in fact be gorgeous but think she is very ugly. Believe me on this, as I'm dating one who is confusing me in this, and other ways, at the moment.
Arabess Posted March 26, 2004 Posted March 26, 2004 Originally posted by faux As for your last question, women are at a much greater risk to suffer from some form of psychological problem. HAHA Faux.......You could get tarred and feathered for making such a statement on here! I happen to agree with you, but MOST women won't.
Author Renny_H Posted March 26, 2004 Author Posted March 26, 2004 Can someone (a lady perhaps) dissect the stuff I said in my email? What's aggressive, and would you take my s***?
dyermaker Posted March 26, 2004 Posted March 26, 2004 I wouldn't date you, you're too full of yourself. (edit: I'm just kidding, sorta, lemme type a response)
dyermaker Posted March 26, 2004 Posted March 26, 2004 Originally posted by Renny_H I need to know what she’s thinking. This sums it up. You NEED to know what she's thinking. This is, to some extent, controlling behavior. I've read your posts, you're certainly not dumb, but you don't strike me as the vulnerable type either. I believe that vulnerability is neccessary for a healthy relationship. You're trying WAY too hard to predict her thoughts, and to change your behavior according to WHAT you think she wants from you. It's possible that you're too assertive for her, or that she's picked up on your attempts at mind control--and that you've blown this one. I'd suggest learning something from this. Be yourself, and try to attract a woman who wants you for you. Tell her that your e-mail sucked, that you weren't being real with her. I also assume you're not being real with us, I think you wrote BOTH of those e-mails from your "friends"--this is just intuition, I doubt you'll convince me I'm wrong. Try to focus on you, not her, you'll find you have WAY more volition.
jenny Posted March 26, 2004 Posted March 26, 2004 women are at a much greater risk to suffer from some form of psychological problem. stats and sources, please. renny: wow - this is a group of guys so giddy with analysis. look, man, you took a strategic risk. it doesn't look like it worked, or it might be working in the long term. there is nothing you can do about this right now but wait it out. contacting again would be, in my opinion, alarming and aggressive bordering on desperate. apologize if she confronts, otherwise leave it be.
Author Renny_H Posted March 26, 2004 Author Posted March 26, 2004 My life has been changing drastically over the past two years, so some of my friendships have fallen apart and now I’m just starting to re-enter society. I’m trying to adapt, and no, I’m not psychotic enough to write those two emails from my friends. I just had to delete her name and s***. But yeah, a lot of people think I’m too busy looking for acceptance rather than just being myself, and I make myself so hardened because then I don’t really have to care if a particular friendship doesn’t work out, you know? I wouldn’t be writing all this if this girl actually spoke to me. She doesn’t speak. And she hasn’t emailed me back . That’s why I’m paranoid about what she’s thinking. It’s kinda cruel what she’s doing. Is it necessary to send another email? Won’t it look like I’m the insecure one when really I was just venting truth? Why won’t this girl criticise me, give me closure or a new path? To Dyermaker : You’re right. I blew it. Man, this infatuation was too damn heavy this time round. I think I might start going to Church. But really, that girl wasn’t answering any of my advances, but then she says she does like me, she wants to know me!?!? I hate being made a fool one minute… To Faux/Jenny: Yeah, I know sending another email or approaching her first would be bad. Might make me look stuck up if I don’t though. I hope to death she hounds me on Monday. Better than nothing. To Arabess: As I said, she’s real awkward to talk to, even if she beams at you when we talk. So asking her out to coffee this early, I don’t think, will work. I casually asked her to the movies once, to go during class (I’m a rebel student). She said, ‘No, that’s bad!’ real playfully. I swear she’s not tuned in properly to what I’m after. That second email really bummed out, I know. [bTW, why is your ID picture so sad?]
jenny Posted March 26, 2004 Posted March 26, 2004 imo, a reliable measure of sanity is how a person deals with uncertainty. i do not think you are dealing with uncertainy well here - you are trying to control and predict her responses. why? let's say, worst case scenario, she is quite freaked out by how intense you have been and does not really want much more to do with you romantically. who cares? i mean, she's just one girl, and judging by your emails, not one you even know or care very much about. read through again - almost every detail contributes to your construction of yourself, and her reactions to you, not any objective picture of her as a person. Why won’t this girl criticise me, give me closure or a new path? because you were not even her boyfriend. because she has a life and concerns of her own that have nothing at all to do with you. because maybe she is dating another guy. why is this so frantically important to you?
jenny Posted March 26, 2004 Posted March 26, 2004 sorry, one more note. i think continued silence is usually the most definitive answer you can get in dating.
Author Renny_H Posted March 27, 2004 Author Posted March 27, 2004 Why am I so frantic? Cos I dream about her all the time, and some of these dreams have symbolism representing me as her protector. Though I don’t believe dreams are prophetic, I do believe that they reveal our anxieties, and our desires. I feel those desires should be met. But if she does have a boyfriend (which is unlikely) or a more complicated life than mine (yeah, sure ), then she’s a slut for stinging me along. She’s pretty dense anyway. I just had a crush. I’m gonna avoid her. Her loss. I have steel determination in my ambitions. I don’t mean to be cocky, but it irritates me so damn much that this girl doesn’t admire that. If she wanted me, I’d flourish her with poetry and all sorts of s***. Never mind. I hate her now. I’d laugh if she gets with a guy who’s far from being a ‘protector’. Poor bitch. Pretty face. Dull mind. I'm a take-no-**** kinda guy. If a girl wants me (who wouldn't ), then that girl has to learn how to communicate properly.
dyermaker Posted March 27, 2004 Posted March 27, 2004 21st century girls neither seek protection, nor poetic veneration--at least not subconsciously.
jenny Posted March 27, 2004 Posted March 27, 2004 Never mind. I hate her now she’s a slut for stinging me along. Poor bitch er...yowza. i'd say she narrowly escaped, honestly. why would you expect anyone to particpate in your self-aggrandizement but yourself? seriously, i know it hurts right now, but this all sounds a little unhinged to me. i'm sure you're normally a great, stable, guy, but you are not handling this well, at all. your response throughout has been the antithesis of calm, confident, and casual.
Author Renny_H Posted March 27, 2004 Author Posted March 27, 2004 It's better to vent anger on paper (or MS WORD) than in person. Those attacks were completely impersonal. I needed to do it in order to calm down.
dyermaker Posted March 27, 2004 Posted March 27, 2004 I'm fascinated by you, honestly--I don't mean that in a bad way.
Author Renny_H Posted March 27, 2004 Author Posted March 27, 2004 [Warning: Anger Ventilation in Progress. Stand Clear] This is the part that really keeps s***ting me off. She calls me mysterious (which should fascinate her), but doesn’t get to know me, even though she said she liked me. I guess when you encounter a screwed-up chick like that, it doesn’t really matter who you are inside because she won’t take the time to look. F**k you, you shallow bitch! [system Shutting Down. Renny is now humble] I liked her so damn much, you know? So much. Man, class is gonna be uncomfortable with her around. Whatever. I deserve better. I hope she realises the damage she's doing before it gets too late and some brute assaults her. Damn, that's a scary thought.
monkey00 Posted March 27, 2004 Posted March 27, 2004 if she's not taking an interest in you, such as asking questions about yoou.... then sorry pal, i dont think she's into you. usually if a girl's into you, they will want to get to know you, they will also tend to smile a lot around you
Author Renny_H Posted March 27, 2004 Author Posted March 27, 2004 Originally posted by monkey00 if she's not taking an interest in you, such as asking questions about yoou.... then sorry pal, i dont think she's into you. usually if a girl's into you, they will want to get to know you, they will also tend to smile a lot around you But she was smiling, man, butshe's not experienced in courting. She doesn't know to ask questions. That's her problem, cos so often I see her glancing at me. She's just afraid to approach, cos I'm a smart kid in class and when combined with 'mysterious', her email implied that I'd judge her as stupid. Well, I don't know what wave-length she's on. But if she really doesn't like me, so be it...
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