pineapples Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 Hello everyone! I would appreciate some advice regarding my relationship situation. About a year ago I started a casual relationship with a man who is 10 years older than me (he in his mid 30s). It started as casual because I couldn't believe that a man of his social/financial status would want to be with me, and also, there were a lot of women around him. So I kind of wanted to be with him, but just casually. As weird as it may sound, his status creeped me out. I mean, he looked like someone who is listening to Mozart all day long, and at night goes to a fancy restaurant and opera. If you know what I mean. And I did not find that attractive at all! Thought he must be the most boring person to be with. So we started seeing each other casually, and it turned out we understand each other well, plus have amazing sex. After about 5 months he asked me if I wanted to be exclusive. I was surprised, and still kind of worried about very sophisticated women friends and totally different lifestyles. So I said let's just see what happens (wasn't a yes or no). A few days later he told me loved me. But he did it OVER THE PHONE, and I really didn't like that! I mean, I really couldn't decide if he was serious, or joking, or half joking-half serious. So I said nothing, and we never mentioned it again. (I still don't know what was he thinking!) Okay the thing is, he has some social issues. I mean, insecurities, like a mild form of phobia. I think now, when I know this, some things make a little sense, like he is very shy sometimes, but sometimes he is just out there. Okay, I really don't want to go into details, so let me just say that in the past 5 months I developed feelings for him, because I have spent a lot of time with him and I see his real face now. I realize it might be a bit late, but unfortunately I have had my own issues before (ex was abusive and addict), and find it difficult to open up. I know that it has been almost one year already, and I am sorry but it took me 10 months to realize what I have! I also know he asked me 5 months ago, but what can I do, I didn't want to be his girlfriend then! My main problem is this: I have gently brought up to him that I would like to be his girlfriend. I was all excited secretly and everything, and I thought he will feel the same way, excited that it is finally happening. BUT! He said he is happy to be single at the moment! WTF?????? So guys, please help me!!! Do you think he is being honest? Or is this just a revenge because I didn't want to be exclusive when he asked me? Should I push it harder??? In the past weeks I was trying very hard to show him I truly care about him, cooking dinners, texting him more often, buying sexy underwear, etc. But he doesn't seem to care! Is he playing with me? What should I do?? Thanks for answers! ps. sorry if my language is bad
xpaperxcutx Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 I think he's moved on ( from pursuing exclusivity). Guys are simple creatures, they're either one of two things- ask for exclusivity, accept rejection and try again ( sometime in the future), or ask for exclusivity, accept rejection and move on. Right now the ball is still in your court. Instead of hinting at him, communicate and let him know how you feel. IF he still prefers casual you're left in a tight spot to accept casual as well or find someone who is on the same page as you.
Author pineapples Posted February 12, 2011 Author Posted February 12, 2011 I think he's moved on ( from pursuing exclusivity). Guys are simple creatures, they're either one of two things- ask for exclusivity, accept rejection and try again ( sometime in the future), or ask for exclusivity, accept rejection and move on. Right now the ball is still in your court. Instead of hinting at him, communicate and let him know how you feel. IF he still prefers casual you're left in a tight spot to accept casual as well or find someone who is on the same page as you. Thank you for answering, I appreciate it. But I hope you are not right about him moving on! The thing is, I don't think I really rejected him! I just didn't know what to do and said let's continue what we are doing. And he had no problem with that! Do you think he could have felt rejected?
xpaperxcutx Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 Thank you for answering, I appreciate it. But I hope you are not right about him moving on! The thing is, I don't think I really rejected him! I just didn't know what to do and said let's continue what we are doing. And he had no problem with that! Do you think he could have felt rejected? I actually started a thread a while back about the same subject. The responses on there should give you some answers - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t263889/ I did the same thing that you'd done. I'm still contemplating whether I should take the plunge and take back my words.
alexlakeman Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 We get bored easily, you blew him off when he asked.. now you are the one pursueing... he's getting it anyway without being exclusive..
xpaperxcutx Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 We get bored easily, you blew him off when he asked.. now you are the one pursueing... he's getting it anyway without being exclusive.. This too. He likes the current status quo. He could've had you before, you're with him anyways now, so how would a " status" of anything change really? Don't let him have his cake if you are not okay with it.
Author pineapples Posted February 12, 2011 Author Posted February 12, 2011 I actually started a thread a while back about the same subject. The responses on there should give you some answers - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t263889/ I did the same thing that you'd done. I'm still contemplating whether I should take the plunge and take back my words. I just read it. I am sorry that it didn't work out with this guy. There are a lot of interesting questions in there, that could be relevant here as well. Thank you.
Author pineapples Posted February 12, 2011 Author Posted February 12, 2011 We get bored easily, you blew him off when he asked.. now you are the one pursueing... he's getting it anyway without being exclusive.. Okay but anwer this for me please: If you genuinely, really liked a woman, and asked her to be exclusive, and she said let's just take it easy and see what happens.... ??? what would you do? I mean, do you really think I blew him off? I believe basically I just said I am not sure yet, and asked him to wait a little. Oh and also. If I asked someone to be exclusive, and they clearly said NO WAY, I would probably not want to stay in relationship with that person. But like I said, I don't think I rejected him in this manner (maybe I am wrong??) I appreciate the answers guys, they are really helpul!
xpaperxcutx Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 Okay but anwer this for me please: If you genuinely, really liked a woman, and asked her to be exclusive, and she said let's just take it easy and see what happens.... ??? what would you do? I mean, do you really think I blew him off? I believe basically I just said I am not sure yet, and asked him to wait a little. Oh and also. If I asked someone to be exclusive, and they clearly said NO WAY, I would probably not want to stay in relationship with that person. But like I said, I don't think I rejected him in this manner (maybe I am wrong??) I appreciate the answers guys, they are really helpul! How would you define a rejection? Is it really just good vs. bad because ultimately a rejection is what it is- a person turning someone down. He got that, went with it, accepted what you wanted then. So technically you can't blame him for changing his mind. You reap what you sow.
snug.bunny Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 In his view, he was rejected twice. The first time when he liked you enough to not want to date anyone else and to embark upon a relationship with you. The second time when he said he loved you (okay, maybe at that point he was beginning to **fall in love** with you) but you silenced him when he told you this over the phone - when you said nothing and not mentioning it again shortly after (yes I know, as a woman, you'd prefer he say it to you in person). I don't believe him wanting to be single now is because he wants revenge, I think he's just guarded now. The relationship became lopsided, it has to return to a mutual balance, naturally.
Author pineapples Posted February 12, 2011 Author Posted February 12, 2011 Okay guys, I get you. LOL it's funny that I needed to start this thread to realize some things. But I do see what you mean now and yes, I guess you are right. I feel so bad!! So, what do I do next?? Should I show extra affection and do extra things to show him I care? And how do I do that without looking desperate and humiliating myself?
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