Devildog1981 Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 (edited) I came to forum back in Jan 2010 looking for advice after my wife said she wanted to leave. I thank everyone for their advice. As everyone can relate this was a time of extreme shock and sadness. I have learned much over the past year. I can truly say I have grown as a person. I am amazed looking back to where I was to where I am now. You can view my older post if you want to get an idea of the situation. I think I was pretty pathetic:) but damn that pain was like no other. Like many here my story contains betrayal, loneliness, hurt, confusion, pain, grief, hope, forgiveness, seeking answers, anger, sadness. My heart truly goes out to everyone that has to go through what we had to. The pain is at times unbearable. At times we would see hope on the horizon but clouds would soon close in leaving us anxious of what the future holds. My wife has cheated on me (EA, with kissing and almost sex with one case that I know of) at least 4 times that I know of with the first revelation happened on Valentines day 2009 after she wrote me a letter claiming she had cheated 3 times starting very early in our marriage. My wife asked to leave me before I found about her 4 EA. I got her back. 9 months later she would leave me after I said I had doubts about God after I refused to go to a Mens retreat (it's something I have battled with since I was 12). We were separated for 3 months until I had a relapse into Christianity which thereafter she came back to me. This has been a reoccurring theme in my marriage. Every time she hurt me, cheated, left....I would find God. She would then return to me and our marriage would be stronger than ever, at least for a few months. A few months ago, I started to see how foolish I was for always being the one trying to save this marriage. I have read marriage/relationship book after another, I have read many different forums, I have sought conseling, I have spent hours trying to figure a way to win back my wife. *I have overlooked my beliefs and tried to be on the same page as my wife in regards to being a fundie Christian. Meanwhile my wife never learned from her behavior. I have always been the one trying to fix sh%#! Time and time again. I am tired of it. Perhaps some relationships are not worth saving after all. Even if I wanted to stay in this marriage, I know it would only lead to resentment on my part. It is for the best of both of us to divorce. After many days of me agonizing about the decision I knew I would have to make, I let her know that our relationship is a disaster and I think it would be best for us to separate. This has been one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. I do not take it lightly. I always believed to fight to the very end. I told her that I could not be her spiritual leader. I wrote her a 7 page letter that I tried to explain how I could no longer see a future together. All I wanted was someone to accept me for me. Our love is conditional though. I have been through hell and back and still I had tried to make it work. I mentioned that I had doubts about my faith and she left me in Oct again. I cannot trust her. Mid life crisis is coming up and menopause. Even now she seems ok with it and I guess that is good. I should of called it quits a long time ago. I thank everyone for all their support and encouragement. I am so grateful for this site. There is a lot of good knowledge here that will help you either save your marriage or to grow as a individual. If it was not for the kids I think I would of called it sooner, then again maybe not. I had to learn to respect myself and be happy by myself. All this separation that I went through has been good. I am deploying soon....I will miss my kids dearly. The future looks promising and looking back a year ago I am not the same Man. Thanks again for all that helped me. Gunny, thanks! Semper Fi Edited February 12, 2011 by Devildog1981
Albertan Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 Wow - your story really resonates with me as in a lot of ways I have been through the same kind of stuff you have (minus the God part). Thanks for the update and all the best to you - stay safe when on operations!
Author Devildog1981 Posted February 12, 2011 Author Posted February 12, 2011 Thanks Albertan, good luck to you too! Hope everything works out for the best. It was so hard to let go of a relationship that died long ago. I had to honestly look at it without rose colored glasses. We have both made mistakes in the marriage.
Duckduckgoose Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 At least you tried. A lot will just run off at the first snag. I had one of those kind. Good riddance, I say.
Author Devildog1981 Posted February 12, 2011 Author Posted February 12, 2011 At least you tried. A lot will just run off at the first snag. I had one of those kind. Good riddance, I say. Yes, in hindsight I should of done something different a lot earlier. I do not know for sure if it was the kids, not respecting myself, scared of the future, being on a very stressful duty or a combination of things. I will never allow cheating in the future. First sign of it and I am done. I read a good book months ago that I just started to reread. It really helped me to gain clarity in regards to my situation. Highly recommend it if you ever wonder if your relationship is too good to leave or too bad to stay. http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350
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