Things have gotten really bad..

[Ashbash11]

I'm back!! I took a break from LS for a while, just to live and reflect on the way things were going.. I should probably post in another forum, but I still consider us long distance, due to my boyfriend's job..

 

In any case, I won't re-hash our entire situation (if you are interested, look at my other posts.. you will get the gist) Basically, at this point, we have been living together for about 6 months. It started out OK, but it has slowly gotten worse and worse.. We fight pretty much daily when he's home from the observatory (he's home for 6 days in a row, then goes back to work..). We argue about little insignificant things, and he says things to provoke me and he's become very sarcastic and downright mean, at times.. We are both under a lot of stress from work- me with a 40 hour/week internship, and him with a weird night job... the night shift to day shift schedule really makes him irritable. Not to mention, I hate California. I haven't met any friends here, even though I have been trying VERY hard... I just feel out of place here still, and I'm unhappy.

 

Recently, my SO informed me that he is planning to keep his current job for another 1-2 years, because the observatory will most likely shut down due to lack of money (they will not get grants to keep them running..) and he wants it to look 'good' on his resume, if he stays.. So, that pretty much answers my question. These are my options now: Stay in California in the current situation, with him working this observatory job and maybe living in another city with more fun things to do.. OR... move back to the east coast and break up with him. Those of you who have been here all along know how much I invested in this relationship.. 2 years of very difficult long distance, and I just moved 3,000 miles to be with him.. So, there is a lot at stake, and I would be losing a lot. He has made it clear that he will be staying in this job.

 

He also told me that running an observatory is "amazing" and he really likes this job. He said he could get another job in industry or education, but it would just be a "job" and he wouldn't like it as much.. I don't want to be the one who takes him away from a job he likes.. I would feel too awful. Truthfully, if moved back east, I am not sure if he would follow me. My gut feeling is that we will have to part ways. I did everything I could.

 

I'm just really distraught about everything... we've been through so much together.. i don't know how this could have happened. Maybe i was in denial, or something. I thought that life would be amazing, and different when we were finally together, but I was wrong.

 

Our 3 year anniversary is this Tuesday.... oye.

Edited February 12, 2011 by Ashbash11

[creighton0123]

If he really loves working in an observatory, chances are there aren't too many opportunities out east due to higher concentration of settlements and light pollution.

 

It sounds like you two never quite figured out the couple thing - living both of your lives together as one. When that happens, while little disagreements can happen, most of the time everything feels just right.

 

Do things feel right? Since you moved in with him, have things felt right?

 

You say you constantly argue about insignificant things. That tends to occur only when there's a level of unspoken anxiety and stress in the relationship.

 

Things will never change unless both of you agree to work towards change. You can have a relationship where you work during the day and he works at night. You can have a relationship when he's away for a week and then with you for a week (or whatnot).

 

You can't have a relationship where the two of you have unspoken frustration and an inability to communicate feelings and problems.

[folieadeux]

Hi Ashbash, I've been following your story for as long as I've been here. I'm really sorry to hear things haven't gotten any better for you. It sounds like you've tried everything humanly possible and that your SO is either unwilling or just not capable at this time in his life to give you the support that you need right now (and deserve).

 

Your boyfriend has it all right now...dream job, nice place (for him) to live, and you giving up everything for him...he has no reason to change anything. The adjustment period after any move is never easy, but not having a supportive partner in this situation only compounds the problem.

 

While I think everything you've sacrificed for this relationship is very admirable, it doesn't sound like anything will change in the foreseeable future so you just have to ask yourself if all of this is going to be in your best interest in the long run. I think the fact that you already know that he wouldn't have uprooted his life for you speaks volumes.

 

This whole situation doesn't seem very fair to you at all. And if he won't look out for what's best for you, you have to take charge and do it for yourself.

 

If I was in the situation, I would move back to the life that I loved because at this point it just doesn't seem worth it...especially if you're still dealing with being apart and he isn't sympathetic to what you gave up for him.

[Ashbash11]

creighton- the thing is, we do discuss our frustrations and problems...quite often, actually.. but.. the discussions just go around and around. We aren't able to agree on anything, or come to any sort of solutions. We just end up back where we started: me being unhappy in California, and as Folieadeux said, him having everything he wants- a job he loves, his GF here, family.... It's really just me who is unsatisfied with the current situation, and this is a problem in and of itself.

 

The partnership isn't there. He is here for his job, and I am here for him. See the difference?

[LittleTiger]

Ashbash, I'm sorry this is still not working out for you. You've heard my opinion on your situation several times before so I'm not going to repeat it here, other than to say he's being entirely selfish and it doesn't look as though he's going to change any time soon.

 

Relationships are about compromise on both sides. Yet you're the one who's still making all the sacrifices and he has given up nothing.

 

My opinion: move back home where you are happy with your family and friends around you.

 

You need to start doing what's right for you. If he really loves you, it will kick him into doing something about it, but judging by what you've said, I wouldn't hold your breath.

 

(((((hugs)))))

[befreckled]

I have followed alittle your posts alittle. Relationships ought not to be a check and balance situation. That being said, it sounds like you have tried your absolute best and, at some point, you lost sight of what makes you happy. If you fight almost every day as you say, then he no longer makes you happy, and definitely what you have.

 

Assuming marriage is on the cards, I think that a guy is always on his best behaviour during courtship and if the ducks aren't in a row now..then, there's little hope of it magically becoming ok.

 

As sad as it is, I rather leave a relationship than have to lose myself.

[Els]

I'm really sorry to hear that. ((hugs)) From all your previous posts, including this one, I really do think the best solution is for you to go back to your hometown after the internship is over. What is the point of sacrificing all that to be in a relationship that isn't even making you happy? You tried to adjust and give yourself time, and it didn't work. So chalk it up to a good learning experience, and go back home after your internship.

[aerogurl87]

Hey Ash, I've been reading about your relationship and big move for awhile now and one thing constantly keeps sticking out to me. The whole relationship is very skewed in terms of whose getting what they want out of it. Your boyfriend gets everything he wants out of it (you, a job he loves, being near his family) and you barely get anything out of it other than him and even that's not seeming to be satisfying now. I agree with pretty much everyone else, I think you should move back home when the internship ends. In the meantime good luck with everything.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

i have read your whole story and i don't think we're getting both sides of the story here. all i read was "i," "me," "my" a lot of times in your previous thread.

 

sorry, my take on this is very different. though i would probably still tell you to just move back to the east coast to cut your losses. it seems that you did not move with him whole-heartedly and you begin to resent him.

 

all i am saying is, you know from the start that he has a rare job. he cannot just uproot himself, bail on his job and move there with you to keep you happy. if you found your job, you found your set of friends in CA, will we hear a different story? what does he exactly needs to do to make you "happy"?

 

but the damage has been done. this has gone deeper and deeper and now i don't think it will ever be the same even if he quits his job and spend 24/7 of his time with you. i am not saying he is right and you are wrong...but have you ever thought about it really from his perspective? it seems like you two haven't thought it through before you made the move.

 

my SO also has a rare job and I am also established here but I am moving for him because we both think it's the best. we thought it through and we thought we have a better support system if we live there and not here. you should've taken those into consideration or maybe it still can be salvaged if you just stop thinking about how much you already invested. ask him about his "alternative" and see if you can make a compromise from that. be realistic.

[Els]

i have read your whole story and i don't think we're getting both sides of the story here. all i read was "i," "me," "my" a lot of times in your previous thread.

 

sorry, my take on this is very different. though i would probably still tell you to just move back to the east coast to cut your losses. it seems that you did not move with him whole-heartedly and you begin to resent him.

 

all i am saying is, you know from the start that he has a rare job. he cannot just uproot himself, bail on his job and move there with you to keep you happy. if you found your job, you found your set of friends in CA, will we hear a different story? what does he exactly needs to do to make you "happy"?

 

but the damage has been done. this has gone deeper and deeper and now i don't think it will ever be the same even if he quits his job and spend 24/7 of his time with you. i am not saying he is right and you are wrong...but have you ever thought about it really from his perspective? it seems like you two haven't thought it through before you made the move.

 

my SO also has a rare job and I am also established here but I am moving for him because we both think it's the best. we thought it through and we thought we have a better support system if we live there and not here. you should've taken those into consideration or maybe it still can be salvaged if you just stop thinking about how much you already invested. ask him about his "alternative" and see if you can make a compromise from that. be realistic.

 

I think you missed the part where she mentioned stuff like how he's never driven down from the observatory to see her unless he has a whole week off, and how he's never tried to discuss any alternatives with her, or compromise in any way.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

I think you missed the part where she mentioned stuff like how he's never driven down from the observatory to see her unless he has a whole week off, and how he's never tried to discuss any alternatives with her, or compromise in any way.

 

you missed the whole point of my advice but yeah i know, it's unpopular opinion but i would like to play devil's advocate here

 

the OP clearly mentioned this more than 3x perhaps in the threads

My boyfriend has an odd job- he's an astronomer, and he works at an observatory, which means that he lives at his job, basically. He comes home every other week, but mainly lives at work...

 

okay so he is an astronomer. what makes it different with other jobs that only allow them to see their families once a year? all i am saying was maybe they got too caught up with thrill of the LDR that they probably did not realize that they're basically gonna live their lives like this. the guy sees that moving closer is enough and the OP is demanding more frequency with their meetings. it's not gonna get better even she moves further or closer and her posts are screaming "the only thing that will make me happy is if my boyfriend quits his job and live with me." the boyfriend said that he will use the job as stepping stone, okay how long? the OP should've laid out her boundaries, her wants and needs upon hearing his alternatives or lack thereof. her answer is there. this might sound harsh but it she's just gonna hurt longer if she sees no alternative too rather than him quitting the job.

[Els]

The point still remains that the OP really only has 2 choices: Stay here or go back. I don't quite see a middle alternative. The bf has already told her that it will be at least 1-2 years before he goes to a different observatory/job, no negotiation. Can YOU think of a middle alternative?

 

it's not gonna get better even she moves further or closer

 

This is untrue. If she moves back to her hometown, she will at least be happy with her family, friends, and location, even if bf isn't there. If she stays, she is unhappy with everything, INCLUDING bf.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

why would i think for her alternative? i am not HER. she dictates her own happiness (thus the dilemma).

 

if she would be happy to just go back, then why didn't she do that and keep dragging it along?

[TokyoG33kyGal]

i guess Elswyth, you seem a lil biased because she's been your friend here. but let me clarify, i am not attacking the OP but just trying to knock some sense to her.

 

i have found her old threads, and omg this has been going since december 2009? and i keep seeing the same words

 

I am having doubts again..... My entire family and ALL of my friends live on the east coast.. I am leaving everyone and everything that is familiar to me to be with this guy. We are in love, and I think he's worth it most of the time, but I keep having this gut feeling that I am doing the wrong thing. THat I will be miserable out there.. lonely.... miss everyone too much... Should I trust my gut instincts? I keep having them, but pushing them away, and chalking it up to just being nervous about the transition. My biggest fear is that my BF works A LOT, and he won't be around that much, it seems. He can come down and visit me during the week, but he basically lives at the observatory. We can get an apartment close to it, but he works on the top of a mountain, basically... so, I will be alone quite a bit. So.. do I just ignore the gut feelings? Are they just normal worries? Maybe.

 

see there, she had doubts...and when you are constantly doubting and fearing something, it really won't work.

[aerogurl87]

i guess Elswyth, you seem a lil biased because she's been your friend here. but let me clarify, i am not attacking the OP but just trying to knock some sense to her.

 

i have found her old threads, and omg this has been going since december 2009? and i keep seeing the same words

 

 

 

see there, she had doubts...and when you are constantly doubting and fearing something, it really won't work.

 

Ok TokyoG33kyGal I understand everyone has opinions, but I have a question. Have you ever moved to be with someone you love in a different city with no friends or family around in an entirely different culture? If the answer is no, then I think you need to stop with the harsh judgments. Honestly if I moved to go be with my boyfriend who lives 2,000 miles away, and he barely spent anytime with me and basically told me to just adjust without any real support, I'd have doubts too.

 

Moving isn't easy, but when you move and have no real support system to speak of (like friends and family) and the person you are supposed to count on basically tells you to they are fine with or without you, what do you expect to happen? Of course she has doubts! I think most people in that situation would.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

Ok TokyoG33kyGal I understand everyone has opinions, but I have a question. Have you ever moved to be with someone you love in a different city with no friends or family around in an entirely different culture? If the answer is no, then I think you need to stop with the harsh judgments. Honestly if I moved to go be with my boyfriend who lives 2,000 miles away, and he barely spent anytime with me and basically told me to just adjust without any real support, I'd have doubts too.

 

Moving isn't easy, but when you move and have no real support system to speak of (like friends and family) and the person you are supposed to count on basically tells you to they are fine with or without you, what do you expect to happen? Of course she has doubts! I think most people in that situation would.

 

i have moved miles away from my family with a totally different culture, so yes i do understand the need to adapt into another culture. i have been here for six years now and i already conquered Japan.

 

when i decide to move in with someone, i don't think about how much i invest or wasted. if it does not work out then thank you for the experience. thank you for the love that he showed me for the short time we have been together. at least i figured out the what-ifs in my life without regrets.

 

and now i see this is a red-herring to my character just because i decided to speak that the emperor does not have new clothes.

 

go back to her posts from january 2009, feb, march, june, july, dec....

 

i cannot believe that this kept dragging on and all your efforts on supporting her have gone wasted. she dug her own hole to misery. she kept complaining about the same thing for 2 years but does not have the guts to face her fear of just admitting that it won't work. her wants = a boyfriend who could be there for her in east coast. her current one cannot give her that for the 2 years she wasted on whining.

[aerogurl87]

No I think she wants her relationship to work out. Shockingly everyone doesn't throw in the towel when things get hard, some people actually try to get things to work until all hope is gone. I applaud Ash for her endurance in such circumstances.

 

And that's great you conquered Japan, but did you move there to be with someone? If the answer is no, then my original assessment still stands. There's a difference between moving on your own accord and moving to be with someone.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

oh so you can only give someone advice if you have experienced the same thing? and why do i need to explain myself, this is a forum right? why do you censor people's opinions?

 

and just for your own benefit, i am indeed going to move with someone. i am prepared for the worse and i am not gonna have any support system. i didn't move to japan to my own accord, i did it to give a better future to my family. i guess you haven't tried that?

 

is there sort of a filter for this thread that the suggestions should only to make the relationship work? didn't she do that for the last 2 years already? it's not like she did not try! that was my point. it's not about throwing the towel, it's about knowing when to give up.

 

i feel so sorry for the OP that you guys just tolerate that she should try this and this when you all cannot even tell her what to do. if you need comfort and empathy, talk it over with a friend. a forum is about finding the solution from a 3rd person's perspective, she's not gonna hear what she always wants.

Edited February 15, 2011 by TokyoG33kyGal

[aerogurl87]

oh so you can only give someone advice if you have experienced the same thing? and why do i need to explain myself, this is a forum right? why do you censor people's opinions?

 

and just for your own benefit, i am indeed going to move with someone. i am prepared for the worse and i am not gonna have any support system. i didn't move to japan to my own accord, i did it to give a better future to my family. i guess you haven't tried that?

 

is there sort of a filter for this thread that the suggestions should only to make the relationship work? didn't she do that for the last 2 years already? it's not like she did not try! that was my point. it's not about throwing the towel, it's about knowing when to give up.

 

No you can do whatever you want, this is a forum. I'm just saying I wouldn't judge so harshly if you've never been in the same situation. And that is what you've been doing, but no need to get super defensive about it.

 

And she moved in with him about 6 months ago, not 2 years ago. Before that they were in a LDR and the whole reason behind that was so they could be together at some point. She achieved the dream most never get to and is looking for support, not the hammer of judgement.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

yeah i read that, she moved with him 6 months ago, 2 years ago she was saying the same stuff about how her boyfriend didn't have her time for her when she visited yadda yadda.

[aerogurl87]

And another thing I might add. There's a difference between moving for mostly love and moving to improve your life. A world of difference. Yes you should always be prepared for the worse, but part of that is being prepared to fight for your relationship if the transition doesn't go so well. And not everyone can vent to family and friends, ever think of that? Maybe this is the only place she has to do such a thing, and if it is then I, along with others here, will be here to support her.

 

I hope your move goes well, but if it doesn't, I'll be more than happy to be so judgmental as you've been towards her if you post here. Which I doubt you will since you have friends and family to vent to, right?

[TokyoG33kyGal]

I hope your move goes well, but if it doesn't, I'll be more than happy to be so judgmental as you've been towards her if you post here.

 

oh lol so stooping on that level. i do not wish people ill, i actually meant well for the OP but it was taken in the wrong way.

[LittleTiger]

oh so you can only give someone advice if you have experienced the same thing? and why do i need to explain myself, this is a forum right? why do you censor people's opinions?

 

and just for your own benefit, i am indeed going to move with someone. i am prepared for the worse and i am not gonna have any support system. i didn't move to japan to my own accord, i did it to give a better future to my family. i guess you haven't tried that?

 

is there sort of a filter for this thread that the suggestions should only to make the relationship work? didn't she do that for the last 2 years already? it's not like she did not try! that was my point. it's not about throwing the towel, it's about knowing when to give up.

 

i feel so sorry for the OP that you guys just tolerate that she should try this and this when you all cannot even tell her what to do. if you need comfort and empathy, talk it over with a friend. a forum is about finding the solution from a 3rd person's perspective, she's not gonna hear what she always wants.

 

Actually, I do think it helps when you're offering advice or support if you can understand, at least to some extent, the position that the other person is in. If you haven't actually experienced what they have, first hand, then making any kind of harsh judgement seems a little unfair to me. Even if you have been through the same, it's always worth remembering that you're a different person.

 

My own understanding is that Ash loved this man and, probably ignoring her nagging doubts (yes, most normal people have doubts or at least concerns about something this major), she moved away from home to see if they could make it work.

 

In any relationship, decisions for each person individually and for both of you as a couple, are made as you go along. Nobody can predict the future. We all do what we believe to be the best thing at any given time - we choose our best option. This applies to everything in life.

 

Ash decided when she met her bf that he was worth the effort of an LDR for a certain amount of time. When the opportunity arose to move to be near/with him, she decided the best option was to move - even though she had doubts she still believed this to be the correct choice at the time.

 

Obviously, she knew in advance about his working situation but she didn't know whether or not she could handle it - until she actually moved. Now she has experienced their living situation first hand, she realises that she can't handle it. Initially she sought to find other options to make things better ie talking to her bf and finding out if he was prepared to change jobs etc. Now she knows that isn't an option but it was a perfectly reasonable course of action given her circumstances.

 

She has now reached the point where she believes she has only two options:

1) Continue to live unhappily (with) her bf, alone, lonely and miserable where she feels neglected and unloved.

2) Return to live near her family and friends where she'll be happier and feel loved and wanted.

 

There may actually be other possible options such as moving elsewhere to build more of a life for herself where she is happier but that's not for us to say. We can only offer our opinion based on what she presents us with.

 

Given that Ash believes she has only these two options my opinion is that she should return home.

 

(NB: I'd just like to point out here that I am not 'blaming' anybody for the way this has worked out because relationships take two - he wants what he wants and she wants what she wants - right now the two don't match - that's all that's happening).

 

Oh and TokyoG33kyGal, I'm sure you mean well, but forums are for whatever someone chooses to use them for. You may just use them for 3rd party advice but not everybody has friends they can talk to about their relationships, so try to bear that in mind when giving advice to someone you don't know.

[KandiceHanson]

oh so you can only give someone advice if you have experienced the same thing? and why do i need to explain myself, this is a forum right? why do you censor people's opinions

 

Honestly, I wouldn't take the advice 'as seriously' from a person who hasn't experienced it first hand. Of course, you are entitled to your own opinion, but be prepared for rebuttles. Back towards the advice part, yes - advice is helpful however the stance. But if you haven't quite done it first hand, your advice most definately lacks 'primary' information. You can't teach a kid to drive, if you've never driven yourself. Of course, you may know 'all about' the car or how to operate it, but you've never done it first hand. It's just not the same.

 

and just for your own benefit, i am indeed going to move with someone. i am prepared for the worse and i am not gonna have any support system. i didn't move to japan to my own accord, i did it to give a better future to my family. i guess you haven't tried that?

 

So technically speaking...you haven't yet moved with him? You don't know the feeling of seperation from your family, in your case, considering you left with them? So this situation is a tad different, mind you.

 

when i decide to move in with someone, i don't think about how much i invest or wasted. if it does not work out then thank you for the experience. thank you for the love that he showed me for the short time we have been together. at least i figured out the what-ifs in my life without regrets.

 

And in your situation, this could be true. However, many move in hopes of a successful relationship, BUT others aren't so lucky. Some then have to come home to everything they dropped to move away, i.e jobs, refrences, opportunities, family gatherings, housing. There are plenty who take the risk and don't have anything to come back to because they played their cards and got dealt a bad hand - You can't exactly say that everyone will be able to just 'say thanks' for the wasted time and be able to pick back up to go home. Not so many are that lucky. And in my opinion, I would be absolutely pissed to come home from a decision like that....I wouldn't just be able to shrug it off my shoulder and be like, well...onto the next. That takes many girls years to recuperate from.

 

Honestly, I could keep going, but really - these threads are for support and relation when it comes to advice. Raging in with a harsh viewpoint and throwing previous posts in someone's face is just ridiculous. We want to keep everyone positive and feeling free to post exactly their situation without having to sensor it because of negative others Really, if you don't agree, post it once and be done with it. Don't keep thrashing her situation down because you have been stalking her previous posts and judging her situation when she's trying to open up.

[Els]

why would i think for her alternative? i am not HER. she dictates her own happiness (thus the dilemma).

 

if she would be happy to just go back, then why didn't she do that and keep dragging it along?

 

1. Because it's silly to fault someone for not having a middle alternative when you yourself cannot think of any. Options do not simply APPEAR magically with brainstorming.

 

2. Because, firstly, she wanted to give it a shot and see if she could adjust. Because, secondly, she signed up for a year-long internship at her bf's place.

 

If you think I am being biased, I think you are more so. You have evidently not YET ever moved to a place solely to be with someone, and had that person act completely unappreciative about it and not see him for weeks on end despite having moved there just to be with him.

 

It IS hard to be in such a situation, for BOTH people, and BOTH people must take responsibility for that, not just her. It is completely different from a case in which you are moving to a better country anyway. Her bf is evidently not up to the task, at this time, and has continually shown that he is not up to the task for 6 months. He may be sufficient in 'normal' circumstances, but their circumstances are hardly ordinary. In any case, it isn't working out for her.