marella Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Hi, Been seeing a man for three years. We live on opposite sides of the continent in different countries (Canada/US). He has a schedule/kids that doesn't allow for him to move where I am (Canada). I have expressed my interest in coming to live with him, but things have been rocky. I recently ended the relationship when he told me in no uncertain terms that he will NEVER be married again. I saw marriage as a viable and sensible means for me to become a US citizen, to live there permanently, having the rights to work and live in the country as I do at home. I know it's not a small step, nor a simple process to do this, but otherwise, I'm forced to have to go back and forth to Canada every six months or so, and I'm getting to the point where I will be able to give up my residence here. I thought it was a logical progression. He had told me a couple of times before that he was against marriage, but he did say once that he was open to it if I weren't able to find a way to live and work in his small town in California. I have looked seriously at what it would take for me to be able to live and work there, and chances are slim without marriage/engagement leading to marriage. When he said, very loudly, NO! During my last visit, I took this as a very bad sign for things to come. So I ended the relationship. He also had the habit of responding very harshly to whenever I expressed how much I enjoyed being with him and his children (I've been visiting regularly for 2 years). On a couple of different occasions he has told me loudly and angrily that I will NEVER be part of his family. And that it's creepy that I like to spend time with his kids and that I should go and get my OWN family. (I have very recently lost 3 family members and am feeling the loss of my own family; this attack was very painful for me.). Most recently, when I about an upcoming family reunion (I have already met most of his family), he told me I wasn't included in the plans. When I asked him why not he felt I had no right to expect so because getting along with each other for a month or more doesn't mean we are going to be together forever, and that I will NEVER be considered to be part of his family. I was devastated. I thought I had to leave his place and go to a motel room, I was so hurt. But he apologized the next day and even went as far as to email his family to ask if I could go along, without asking me first, and has purchased a plane ticket for me to go. But I broke up with him after I got back home, because he said that we would never get married, and he has not offered any help or support or even talked about what I can do to stay with him on a long term basis. As I write this, I know that what he is saying is terrible and abusive, especially since we have a history of breaking up and getting back together that mirrors precisely the abuse cycle of honeymoon-tension-release-honeymoon. I know I've said some nasty things out of anger, too, but I've never done anything to warrant the kinds of hatred he has poured on to me, or such night-and-day shifts in his assessment of me and this relationship. It has been dizzying. I feel very lonely and assaulted, and confused. I loved this guy with all I had. Please help me make some sense of this.
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