someone tell me this is dumb

[rbitrage]

A friend of mine suggested I go to gf who just broke up with me a couple of weeks ago, with a ring and ask her to marry me. That's what she wanted before she gave up because i was not able to fully realise how much she meant to me. In fact, I want to go to her parents first and ask for permission and ask for daughter's hand in marriage. That is something she always valued and i think they kinda like me.

 

Please tell me how much of a disaster this would be. Tell me that it definitely doesn't work because i somehow believe it's the right thing to do.

 

I realise being cynical is so much easier, but why can't we just use shock and awe. the goal is not to cheat the system. the goal is to show my love is real and eternal.

[laRubiaBonita]

i am not sure it would win me back, at least not that.

 

you would need to prove to me that you did in fact love me, and that you want to spend the rest of your life with me.

 

you make it sound like you are only doing it cause she wants you to... it should be you wanting it too.

[rbitrage]

I hear what you are saying. the situation is slighly complicated. ONly reason why i couldn't full commit was not because i was looking around. it was because i lost most of my family growing up and I associated loving someone as a risky prospect. I was literally stuck because i loved her but i was scared because of this trauma (my mom passed away 3 years ago and i am still struggling with it).

 

Again the goal here is not to shock her back. I do know that i want to spend the rest of my life with her. I do know that she is the one. She just gave and gave and held out so much hope and had to give up. now maybe her feelings for me have changed or she may not wanna take the risk but is this not the ultimate step somehow. I am now saying, look i am not looking to get back to rebuilding this 'dating' thing we had. I love her beyond belief and I know i want to marry her. And I would also do the respect thign and go to parents and show how serious i am also.

 

I know there is a whole approach to this stuff. Must go NC and then heal one self etc and show a stronger changed person. But why can't i believe this can work. Why can't I just be honest and say i want to marry her.

 

I just worry about it being a complete disaster, and hurting her in any way from such an extreme approach.

[laRubiaBonita]

and you have told her your fears? she knew them before the break up?

 

if she is willing to accept you again... maybe premarrital counseling would be a good thing for you two.

 

hopefully it would bring up these very important issues, and help lay some to rest.

[rbitrage]

Yes she knows about my fears. I have no fears about the prospect of marrying her because I know that i want that, but I am only afraid it might backfire and push her further away. If she turns around and says why do you think i would marry you after I told you it's over and maybe in the future we can re-connect and be friends, it will be tough. I just don't know what the right thing to do is. If i only knew that waiting for her for the next 3 months, 6months 1 year would make this whole mess get resolved i would do that. The problem is nothing is clear except for the fact that she broke up with me and I blame myself for not ruining a great relationship.

 

Seems like there is no easy redemption. There is no purgatory, except for the one we keep in our own minds. Also, my goal is not be a nuisance in her life if she really does want to have no prospect of ever being with me again. I just believe that nothing worthy is ever easy and working for something you really want is just part of life. I just want to try to fix a very broken thing here (which i know i broke).

[gator12]

Look, the only reason you need to do this is if you want to do this. And if you are willing to overcome your fears. If you can't be committed to her the way she wants you too then don't. If this is what you really want, then go for it. Don't do it to get her back, do it because it is sincerely what you want to do.

 

-Gator

[rbitrage]

Thanks Gator. Spoke to a colleague of mine who has two grown daughters and he said, approaching the parents for permission to ask her would be a very respectful thing to do. And yes, I am not doing this to get her back, I'm doing this because I love her and I want to marry her. I know my fears are there but I've also realised i love her more than I fear losing her. I just don't want this to be a dumb move to get her back. everything I've read on here about second chances is give it some time, work on oneself, an rebuild on a strong foundation and show a stronger self.

 

Essentially what I'm doing is showing up with a ring and saying I want you to marry me. So this is not insane?

[heartshaped]

I know my fears are there but I've also realised i love her more than I fear losing her. I just don't want this to be a dumb move to get her back. everything I've read on here about second chances is give it some time, work on oneself, an rebuild on a strong foundation and show a stronger self.

 

Essentially what I'm doing is showing up with a ring and saying I want you to marry me. So this is not insane?

 

I think if this was the only thing that led to the break up and you are truly ready to commit to her in the way that she wants you to and needs you to then by all means go to her and tell her when she left you, you realized how much you love her and that she's the only one for you.

[gator12]

Thanks Gator. Spoke to a colleague of mine who has two grown daughters and he said, approaching the parents for permission to ask her would be a very respectful thing to do. And yes, I am not doing this to get her back, I'm doing this because I love her and I want to marry her. I know my fears are there but I've also realised i love her more than I fear losing her. I just don't want this to be a dumb move to get her back. everything I've read on here about second chances is give it some time, work on oneself, an rebuild on a strong foundation and show a stronger self.

 

Essentially what I'm doing is showing up with a ring and saying I want you to marry me. So this is not insane?

 

I am absolutely in agreement, if it's for the right reason by all means go for it. First ask her parents because yes that is very respectable and I believe all of us guys should do that. And think, really think what you're going to say to her and how you're going to say it. It has to come from the heart and it can't be just a "Will you marry me", you're going to have to have a little something to go with it. You also may have to have one for her parents as well. Put some thought into it, and then by all means go for it, if she loves you she will say yes to you.

 

good luck

-Gator

[Eddie Edirol]

When you ask her parents, they will pressure her to take you back, that is a big risk. That could backfire if you look like you need their help, but since she likes that, it might work, but it wont work if she isnt attracted to you anymore. Give it a shot. But you have to explain to her when you bring a ring to her that you are going to get over your "love" fear and put all of your fears behind you, and you will commit.

 

But you also have to do this expecting that she will say no, and if she does, you then have to walk away and never contact her again, and tell her not to contact you unless she is going to reconsider. And you have to make sure you appear as if you dont need her after that. She could have very well checked out of your relationship long ago, which would mean that she just isnt attracted to you anymore and she moved on, maybe. if she did, you have no chance. So expect that she did so you wont be as hurt.

 

Personally Im suspicious of a woman who was willing to walk away from a good relationship anyway, but whatever.

[gator12]

Agree with eddie, which is why you need to make it clear to her parents that, one they cannot tell her. And two that you want her to decide on her own. All you need from them is their approval, nothing else. As for the walking away I completely agree with that, being ready for a no is also smart. Be prepared for anything, but give it everything.

 

Good Luck, I hope it all works out for you

-Gator

[rbitrage]

Thanks a lot guys for the great advice.

 

The point about her checking out of the relationship a while ago is not the case. she has put up with my state for a while now and as much as I was going to therapy for it I couldn't connect with how much i loved her because of how much i feared going to that place again and losing another person. Independent of the normal breakups we all go through, my whole life feels like one perpetual loss-fest with family members passing away, friends moving away etc. I don't want to go into self-pity here but there is cause for my problem with trust and fear of loss. But she's been great about it. It's more been that I get close and it's great and then I pull away. It was terribly hurtful for her and i wasn't doing it to be an a-hole, it was just how i dealt with people to not make myself vulnerable. in december she said we need to take a break and at that point i was alone and really started to have a flood of emotions come together. I realised how much vulnerability in love is not just a scary thing, it's a wonderful thing, because one opens up to a joy of union and thinking of other in a way that makes life so much richer. She said she still loved me like 2-3 weeks ago, but found it difficult that the same guy who couldn't commit all of sudden wanted to talk about getting more serious and was it just because i didn't 'have her anymore'. I put that question to myself as well. And I don't think it's that. I think it took a trigger to connect me to feelings that were being blocked by walls of fear but i didn't create those feelings as a reaction to losing her, i just realised they were there and how strong they were.

 

 

Despite what i say, though, i can't deny this is all terribly difficult. So many elements of this could go wrong. Her parents might not accept and give me their blessing now, even though they were hoping for it last year. She may think this is a stunt again in reaction to my heartache of losing her instead of because of what i really feel. I really have no way to make sure it all works out perfectly. We're both adults but the implications of how important this is makes me both afraid and disheartened. One balances a selfish need to be with someone with an un-selfish need to want the best for that person. I am trying to stay positive because attitude is so important to make these things work out. But for the last week I've been mega-depressed and hardly ate one square meal in days. I go back to the point, that anything good is worth fighting for, but sometimes i wish life wasn't so hard.

 

The prospect of losing her forever or her saying no is a strong possibility but a tough pill to swallow to be honest. I think she still loves the me that could love her unconditionally, and the only conditional part for me is baggage that i bring from my experiences with loss.

 

I appreciate all the well wishes.

[xpaperxcutx]

OP, as much as I think proposing to her to keep her is a bad idea, I think that your internal conflict with how much you love her vs. your own personal phobias should be addressed. It's imperative you figure out whether being with her will end up being a personal choice or because of pressure to get married.

 

I think asking her parents for their blessing is quite respectful of you but at the same time, I would ask that when you finally talk with your girlfriend, you address your issues with her firmly and clearly and state your fears and how you plan to combat them.

 

I'm scared of love as well, but if someone was there to help me through it, to love unconditionally ( as I'm sure your gf does), then whether I can combat my phobia or not, at least I know there is someone there to go through my troubles with me.

[gator12]

Agreed with papercut. If you get the blessing it's essential you show your ex that this isn't the reaction to the breakup. That this is what you really wna,t and look her in the eyes when you tell her. She will know it's true. Do something special to propose, if she loved you I don't think I'd worry too much about a know, idk, I guess I'm one of the miniority(optimists) on this site.

 

-Gator

[rbitrage]

Thanks papercut/gator. I hope your optimism will inspire me to stick with my own optimism and hope.

 

Can i just ask two more questions about the process. I have met the parents several times but never been to their house before. Also they live about 1.5 hours away from me which is not a problem, but it feels very instrusive to just show up. I thought I would send them a letter first explaining some of these points and ask if I can come see them to ask for this permission but all my friends said don't do that because they'll not respect the letter, and likely tell my ex before i can meet them. In fact they said don't even call a few days first to request to meet them. Show up saturday morning before lunch and say you are at the train station and would like to please come see them. The element of surprise is apparently quite important because this is all about emotions. Do you all agree with this? I have to admit, I was raised respecting people's space and popping in like this, even though the circumstances are quite serious is quite scary.

 

Secondly, I go to a therapist but since sept last year my ex has been going to a therapist and i think in her process he has made her believe our relationship was more about what two people needed at the time in their lives over the last two plus years and not really what we need going forward. Again, I know feelings of love don't just disappear esp after she tells me 3 weeks ago when we were on our 'time apart' and not broken up yet that she still loves me, but if this resolution that she has worked out internally, that ours is not a relationship that can be built for the future may really make this a tough now. Again though, I have to try.

[rbitrage]

this weekend has been tough. my mind goes to super hopeful and then super bleak. can i just say (even though we are not supposed to say or think this) but i am so close to believing that i have destroyed the only thing that mattered.

 

i wish someone would put me out of my misery by shooting a bullet through my head. yes, yes, i know this is crazy and yes i have a therapist to deal wth my issues.

 

haven't eaten one full meal in days. for someone who has lost everyone and now his best friend, the woman who he wants to marry, is giving up on him, really gives me little hope to be honest. there seems to be a repellant inside of me i guess

[gator12]

You need to stay strong man, you'll always feel like this for right now. It's perfectly normal when you lose someone who meant so much to you. But you need to be confident when you propose, confident in everything, you her both of you.

 

As for her parents, no I'd surprise them, giving them a heads up only makes it look weaker in a sense and then theres the chance that they will tell her. If you are sure she is what you want I say, what the hell? Go for it, you don't want to look back 30 years from now and go, what if? That is the saddest thing any human being would have to do. I;m not saying you go and propose right now, but I say when you feel it's right and are confident enough to do it then go for it.

 

-Gator

[rbitrage]

Thanks a lot Gator. It's been a very rough weekend.