She stopped loving me but I need her in my life

[Chrisg7]

I know that there's a 99 percent chance It wont work and I will get hurt again, I'm really sorry for not listening to you all.

 

Im going to ask her one last question: why she claimed earlier that she couldn't even say the words 'i love you' but shes told me she loves me countless times when we talked recently

[Hules]

No you are wrong there isn't a 99% chance this will fail there is 100% chance it will. Re-read what you just wrote that is the most unhealthy **** I have ever read, how can you expect to have anything that remotely represents a healthy relationship?

 

Are you some sort of glutton for pain? This is seriously unhealthy. You are beating a dead horse and for what?

Edited March 10, 2011 by Hules

[Chrisg7]

She said no to the letter I sent her

 

Here's the conversation

 

Hey sorry I just got back from ***** n m so f*cking tired we can just talk later

 

Ok...

 

U said u didn't wanna talk anyway so it can wait

 

I said I didn't want to talk about negotiating any more with the letter I sent you...if you want to tell me something just say it

 

Then she didnt respond so I sent

 

Ok ***** well if your going to keep starting conversations and then not responding don't expect me to be willing to keep talking to you

 

I m sorry I totally fell asleep. But chris I told u what I needed n not one of those things were included in ur little letter. So I don't think I do what u proposed as much as it pains me to say it.

 

***** I don't want/need an explanation I just need a yes or no...is that a no then?

 

Ya n u say u haven't changed n still have feelings for me.... ya if u wanna oversimplify n not compromise then yes its gonna ha ve to be no.

 

That was my compromise...But Iunderstand ****, thank you for putting thought into your answer. Thank you again for the great year we spent together, we really had some great times that make me smile every time I think about them. I will never forget what we once shared. I have no hard feelings toward you ****** and wish you only the best in life. You can still feel free to contact me If an emergency arises...Goodbye *****

 

No it wasn't chris. Like u said it was ur terms....You as well chris. And thankyou. Bye

 

Probably the last time your going to talk to me and that's all you have to say *****?

 

I am really going to miss you chris and all we had. I don't know what to say I am sorry. I really hope everything goes well for you.

 

Ok, same to you

 

Thank you. Bye Chris

 

Goodbye ****

 

 

So that's it, it would be great if someone would tell me how to make this newfound pain go away

Edited March 13, 2011 by Chrisg7

[SDA]

We all said it would fail. It wasn't a compromise it was more like demands. I don't think this is the last you'll hear of her.

 

BUT YOU NEED TO TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF AND REALLY STEP BACK FROM HER IN ANY WAY POSSIBLE. DON'T IGNORE HER AND BE BITTER IN SCHOOL JUST CHILL AND RELAX AND HANG OUT WITH YOUR BOYS.

 

That's the best advice.

[Chrisg7]

It didn't fail, it didn't even start, which is not what I was expecting at all.

 

And it's hard not to be bitter after being manipulated this much, I feel like I'm going to have trust issues for the rest of my life because of this.

 

Will someone help me understand why she acted the way she did? She told me how I was the only one for her and that she would always be waiting for me like 3 days ago...

Edited March 13, 2011 by Chrisg7

[Hules]

Chris I'm sorry it ended the way it did but as I said earlier, you were beating a dead horse and this is how it was always going to end. That letter wasn't negotiating it was demands and you set a ultimatum with the yes or no response. You came across as very controlling and needy in that letter which is not attractive.

 

Thats why I strongly suggested not sending it. It is fine to write that sort of stuff to yourself when you are trying to heal but best to keep it to yourself. I wrote that kind of stuff when me and my ex broke up, no way in hell would I have shown it to her in a million years.

 

Chris part of the reason she acted the way she did is because you enabled her. You played a role in this, you allowed her to get away with this over and over again. I'm not saying that its all your fault but you did play a role.

 

Now hopefully you can accept the situation for what it is. You can accept that she is not this perfect dream girl you had imagined her to be, she is human she is flawed like everyone else.

 

Now you can begin healing this includes accepting thats its over. It's going to hurt like a bitch but it will get easier. You need to focus on YOU do things that make you happy, spend time with your friends and family.

 

The reason everyone on here gave you the advice we did was never about her or getting back with her it was so you could protect yourself. Yet you seemed hell bent on causing yourself unnecessary pain and anguish, it was really hard to watch.

 

As SDA said don't be bitter to her, don't bitch about her to your friends (your friends will get sick of it very quickly). You don't have to talk to her (and i strongly suggest you don't) this is now about you and healing it's nothing to do with her anymore.

Edited March 14, 2011 by Hules

[Chrisg7]

I only said those things because they were my minimum requirements for a relationship...I just don't see how she can basically tell me she's desperate for me and I'm the only one for her one day and end things for good the next

 

Would it be a bad idea to see if maybe she misinterpreted parts of my message? I never really asked what problems she had with it

Edited March 14, 2011 by Chrisg7

[Hules]

This is the last bit of advice I will be offering you Chris. The damage has been done nothing you say to her at this point will do anything but cause more pain for the both of you. You need to accept that its over. Until you can accept it, you are going to hurt more and more.

 

You need time apart from each other so you can heal. You are both not in a healthy state of mind to even be considering a relationship at this point.

[Chrisg7]

I understand, I'm sorry for being stubborn and everything I guess I'll only post here again If something major happens (Which I doubt it will). Thank you very much for all the advce hules it means so much. I guess I was just looking for someone to tell me how to cope with this but I probably can't do anything besides wait it out. I really can't accept it but i am doing my best.

[Chrisg7]

Hey guys, Ive been experiencing a lot of emotional distress since this happened and I know I've gotten the advice over and over again to just "go nc and do things that make you happy" and I promise I'm trying to follow the advice I'm just having such a hard time with it.

 

I think the root of this is because I can't nor do I want to accept that she is gone forever. I hang out with friends and try to pretend like this never happened and I can feel temporarily better but eventually all the emotion I've been holding back just all hits me at once and I feel miserable and hopeless. I've been crying myself to sleep every night because I just can't stop thinking about her. I see her in school and I want so badly to go up to her and hug her and just talk to her because I miss her so much. I see her face and remember what it was like to kiss her, and long with everything that is left of my heart to be able to do just that. I see her in the hallways and fake a smile and say hey, she smiles and says hey back, totally unaware of my insanity.

 

I want to tell her exactly how I feel, I want to tell her how much she hurt me and how much it still hurts, how much I miss her, and how much I am dying to revive what we once shared. I am fighting so hard not to contact her but I am on the verge of giving in. I want to contact her and tell her that the purpose of my letter was to see if all the things she said about loving me and missing me were true, and when she said no I assumed that they weren't. I want to ask her if I am right about this. I never gave her a chance to explain her objections to my offer, and I want to hear her side of the story. At times I even want to just accept everything on her terms just so I can be with her again, even if it won't last and I will get hurt again.

 

I am worried that I deterred her from contacting me ever again, I worry that If she does in fact love me and longs to be with me, she would not tell me because of my actions. Every time I pick up my phone I hope that I will see a message from her, and every day that she doesn't contact me, My despair only grows. I feel hopeless and empty, and at times I simply do not want to live.

 

I cannot stop asking myself the question why. Why did she lie to me about the things she did at the party? Why did she dump me? Why did she tell me she didnt love me? Why did she later tell me she did love me? Why did she say no to my offer if she wants to be with me? Why is this happening to me? We had something really special and I still think we were great for each other :'(

 

What bothers me the most is all of the heartfelt messages she sent me during that one conversation we had... She told me I was the only one for her, she said she would always be waiting for me, she told me she loved me, she said she was desperate for me...now I know this girl very well, and I know that she wouldn't just say those things to manipulate me.

 

I am so lost and confused, and I am unable to function normally because of this.

[Rap17]

Mate, just a word of advice.

 

Over the past four months Ive been in your shoes, and trust me on this, the very best thing you can do is go NC and stay that way until youre feeling less emotional about the whole thing.

 

Dont feel bad about the "mistakes" youve made, its your heart thats been in control of your actions, and it just goes to show how far youre willing to go to be with the one you love.

 

I know NC seems almost impossible when you want to be with her, but you have to let go. I made a lot of mistakes as well. I avoided ultimatums but I got close a few times. Your situation is insanely tough, but really, its not much different than most breakup stories here.

 

Avoid her and try to think of other stuff, keep busy. When you do bump into her just act nonchalant. Dont ignore her or be rude, its still ok that she knows you care. But dont tell her how you feel, and dont be overly depressed and sad when she sees you.

 

Remember what attracted her to you in the first place and work to become that guy again. I promise you, if you stay NC things will become better, I guarantee it. And remember, NC is for you to heal, not to get her back. Ironically, its also the very thing which gives you the best chance of reconciliation down the road, if at all possible. But right now is not the time for you. Be kind to yourself, youre the prize, and its her loss.

 

Good luck mate.

[Chrisg7]

Yeah I'm not really sure what to do about doing the same things that attracted her to me in the first place...she basically approached me in the beginning because she thought i was attractive

 

And I feel awful about all my mistakes...I feel like I have screwed up any chances I had of getting her back

 

Would it really do a lot of harm to say something to her in person (I absolutely hate texting in situations like these) like "I've been thinking and it was wrong of me to give you an ultimatum without hearing your side of the story, so if you still are interested in telling me your objections to my offer I will listen to them now"

 

Also, do you all think that I have deterred her from trying to get back together with me if she wanted to? If this is the case im trying to undo it...

Edited March 17, 2011 by Chrisg7

[hunk]

Chris, i'm gonna give it to you straight because reading this thread has been like watching a train crash..

 

The only way i can see your ex becoming re interested in you is if you're both very emotionally immature. You're relationship with this girl is done. The only way she will come back is if she is, like i said, extremely immature and out of touch with herself, and even in this case you guys will last about a month. You've lost your appeal man, your begging and crying and constant breaking of NC has driven her away, and she probably just doesn't know how to give you a definitive "NO" at this point. You need to understand the basics of attraction, and how women think. What you're thinking is probably along the lines of "we're so good together, why doesn't she want to be with me..? she's just confused". This isn't what she's thinking. Gone is any respect for you, she knows any ultimatums you make are empty because in reality you would take ANYTHING if it meant her being back with you. There's no thrill of the chase, there's no excitement. Her thoughts of you at this point will just be associated with heavy, serious, boring and stale feelings, possibly of resentment. Instead of this process of groveling and begging and ultimatums, you should've completely ignored her. Do you really think she's going to respect you and find you attractive and alluring now? No, you're just that persistent ex who won't leave her alone even though she's over it. She wants that feeling she first had with you, and by having any sort of contact with her you're just burying that possibility deeper and deeper.

She's going to look for that feeling with someone else, and as hard as this is to comprehend, you need to understand you two aren't the same person.

 

She has her own needs, she sees you in a completely different light now to how you do or how you think she does. You literally have no hope unless you go into flawless NC for a few months, but even then man this story is a prime example of the consequences of breaking NC and just inexperience with women in general... at the very least you will learn a powerful life lesson

[Chrisg7]

Have you actually read the whole thread? You say I keep "begging" for her but not once have I even asked for her back, she has initiated every conversation about that and I have done my best to act indifferent. I know I have broken nc but I definitely haven't been acting as pathetic to her as you make me sound...Any second opinions on my previous questions?

[hunk]

Mate acting indifferent wouldn't be writing a ridiculous email describing the "rules and conditions" of dating you, and then going on to write another one describing all the flaws in your relationship and even admitting you know you won't work, but ending it by basically saying you're going to overlook these flaws just to be with her. You're missing the point. Good luck to you, though.

[betterdeal]

You're bargaining right now. Asking, "If I do this, do you think I'll get her back" is bargaining, which is, when it's done repeatedly with someone who persistently declines your offers, known as begging.

 

You're in shock. No wonder - an important part of your life has changed, seemingly abruptly (I'll get back to that in a bit). Shock has five stages: denial, anger, fear, bargaining, acceptance. The good news is you've progressed to stage 4. Only one more to go.

 

In fact, the regret you're feeling and the things you feel guilty about are part of acceptance.. You're reflecting on what went wrong. The more you reflect and understand, rather than try and apportion blame to her, you, me, the man on the moon, the more you'll understand that it wasn't abrupt, there were sound reasons as to why you and she did and said. You'll also come to accept that you cannot mind read, you cannot know every factor that motivated her, but you can know that about you.

 

Deep down you know you're a good person, and someone worthy of respect and a mutually beneficial connection with. Now the odd thing about us humans is we have an inner child, a subconscious, a soul, a heart, call it what you will. That is your inner self, your real self, and that's the person you need to reconnect with, to nurture, to heal. It is like a child - very emotional, very sincere, and very simple. Your mind, your conscious mind, your ego, the bit of your brain full of words and that understands complex things like calculus and jaywalking laws and budgeting, is there to look after that child.

 

Your inner self, your real self, is the only person in this world who will be with you from cradle to grave. This is not about her, me or anyone else except you and you learning how best to feel good, how best to connect with yourself, how to be happy deep deep within yourself.

 

You're at stage 4. Stage 5 is when life really starts to get better.

[Chrisg7]

Its been a while, so i figured id update this thread with what's gone on recently. I made a lot of decisions a few weeks ago with the advice from my psychologist. I approached my ex in school one day and started a conversation with her. I said "i shouldn't have given you an ultimatum and id still like to see if we can talk things out and reach some sort of agreement if thats what you still want"

 

She responded by basically saying "this was totally unexpected, i had already come to terms with everything (this conversation took place a week after she rejected my ultimatum) i will really have to think about this"

 

I told her that if thats not what she wants anymore to just say it and she says no thats not it at all. I tell her not to text me and that i only want to speak face to face and she agrees.

 

A few days went by and i heard no word from her, in fact it even seemed like she was avoiding me in school. She would pretend to not see me in the hallways and when i walked in her direction she would walk the opposite way. This was killing me so i decided to approach her. I saw her talking to a friend and said her name, she pretended not to hear. I said her name again, this time louder and she finally acknowledged me. I said "hey do you have a minute?". Even though all she was doing was talking to a friend she said "sorry im kinda busy right now" i said thats ok i can wait, so i stood there by her and her friend, and eventually the friend walked away. She says "can we just talk some other time?" i said "it will only take a second" and then once she obliges i say "have you thought about what i said to you on friday?" she says "yeah and we've just been back and forth so many times i dont think its a good idea blah blah blah" i asked her if thats what she wanted and she said yes. I told her to look me in the eyes and tell me she didnt want to be with me and she said "chris come on blah blah...." so i just said ok and walked away.

 

I still don't know why this happened, but then again i dont know why any of this happened.

 

Later that same day, i was giving my friend a ride home, and we were talking about everything that happened. He said "yeah shes been really mean throughout this" i said "what do you mean?" he said "well i really shouldn't tell you this, but the other day i was talking to one of her friends and you came up in the conversation. Her friend said 'oh yeah im not supposed to be nice to Chris' i said 'why not' and she said '[my ex] told me not to' ".

 

This really hurt to hear...the girl i once knew would not tell her friends to be mean to me and it still disturbs me because it seems so out of character. She hurt me more than anyone has ever before, then she kept hurting me for another month and a half during which i was nothing but nice to her and her friends, and then she goes out of her way to make it harder on me...it just doesnt make sense because like i said i talked to her every day for over a year, and during that time i got to know her very very well; the person i got to know would not do such a thing.

 

When i saw pictures posted on facebook of her being drunk and slutty at a party, and even more pictures from the party which initiated our break up, i told my friend to change my password so i couldn't get in because it simply hurt too much, so i havent been on facebook in weeks, which has really helped.

 

Over the past couple weeks, i have felt many different emotions. I feel almost hatred toward her but yet i miss her and i may still love her. I am really confused, i have come to terms with this but i am just not happy. I have done my best to avoid doing so much as looking at her in school, because even that kills me.

 

Last night she contacted me for the first time since this, but it was not because she wanted to talk. She basically said "my dad wanted to know if you could give me a ride to the hospital from practice tomorrow. (her dad is a doctor there) I wouldnt ask you if there was any other way but i already had to spend the night there last night and he would really appreciate it" I dont know if she was being melodramatic or what but i said ok and she said thanks.

 

So after practice today i talked to her for the first time in weeks and asked if she still needed a ride. She shyly said yes if its not inconvenient. I said ok and we got in my car and started driving. I played my ipod in the car because i wanted to hear music. This song came up on shuffle and after it was finished playing i noticed that she was crying. I asked her if she was ok and she said yes. She tried to look the other way so i couldnt see her cry for the next like 10 minutes and i asked her again "are you sure your ok?" and again she said yes. I dropped her off, we got her bags out of the trunk and she said thanks. I said sure i hope you get well soon and she said thank you. I got in the car and drove away and as i drove past her we made eye contact for a second and i cant really describe it but it just felt weird. As i drove away I looked back over my shoulder and noticed that she was still waiting outside so a little later i texted her "did you get let in?" about 20 minutes later she texts back "ya i did thnx" to which i said "sure"

 

Im not really sure how i feel right now and im not sure what to make of all that, but its not like im hoping things will work out between us. Ive accepted this but i really miss her, and since that car ride, that feeling has only intensified. I havent been able to stop thinking about her all day. I still feel really alone and not a single night has gone by where i havent dreamt of her. And about that song that played in the car, i downloaded it after we broke up because it perfectly described how i felt.

Edited April 2, 2011 by Chrisg7

[Hules]

You haven't accepted it you are still in contact with her, you are still doing favors for her. You are not going to heal at this rate :\

[Fufu]

Unless you start doing the below, you will find the light in your own tunnel getting further and further away.

 

- Go into STRICT NC

- Stop thinking you need her in your life (She has stopped loving you)

 

Your true happiness always come from yourself first, not from her and anyone else.

[Chrisg7]

Unless you start doing the below, you will find the light in your own tunnel getting further and further away.

 

- Go into STRICT NC

- Stop thinking you need her in your life (She has stopped loving you)

 

Your true happiness always come from yourself first, not from her and anyone else.

 

Wow!!! Looks like someone can read the title of the thread!!

 

 

On a less sarcastic note, hules I was trying to do a favor for her dad, not for her. I have been in no contact other than that, and I am definitely healing...is it really such a terrible thing that I miss her? I have accepted everything I can promise you that.

[Hules]

Wow!!! Looks like someone can read the title of the thread!!

 

 

On a less sarcastic note, hules I was trying to do a favor for her dad, not for her. I have been in no contact other than that, and I am definitely healing...is it really such a terrible thing that I miss her? I have accepted everything I can promise you that.

 

No you were doing a favor for her, she asked you to do something you did it, she just guised it under the excuse her dad asked her to ask you.

 

No missing her is normal, I'm just saying if you want to heal as quickly as possible you need to cut her out of your life. No more talking, no more texting, no more driving her places.

 

Take it or leave it. You felt worse after driving her home because it dug up all that **** again.

[Fufu]

Missing her is fine and it's normal. i still do think of my ex bf at times.

 

And I'm fully agree with what Hules said, if you want to move on and be recovered from this, you really do need to cut her off from your life.