Girlfriend Resents Me For Her Choices... Discussion of Responsibility & Selfishness

[ldlover]

Hi everyone. I posted before about some issues my girlfriend and I were having pertaining to her deciding to move out. At the time, she wanted space and time to sort out what she wants to do with her life (but not breakup). At this point, almost 4 months later, she feels that we are doing better as a couple. She has moved back in with her parents and has shifted focus onto her own life, which I can understand. She lacks direction in many aspects of her life (evident when we first met) and this has spilled over into our relationship.

 

I am still finding being apart to be miserable and have decided, for myself, to relocate back to the city where we used to live. It's not all about her; the decision is better for me in a multitude of ways. In any case, I am posting today because I would like some help with this specific issue:

 

I feel like my GF resents me for the choices she has made in the past 20 months we have been dating. We undoubtedly rushed into cohabitation and it did "just sort of happen" but BOTH of us allowed it to happen. She seems to resent me for her decision to move in and contribute to the household costs, thereby reducing her savings. After one semester of school at the local college, she decided she hated it and took a year off work (no income, exhausted her savings). It seems that she also resents me for this because if we weren't dating, she would not have stayed in this area to begin with. Is it really fair to play the "what if" game?

 

Suffice it to say, I feel betrayed on many levels. I fear that a level of intimacy and trust in our relationship has been lost that can never be regained. After four months, I am still hurting and she carries on with her life as if it doesn't even matter.

 

Should she accept some responsibility for her actions? Certainly her decision to take a year off work, which has NOTHING to do with me. We both feel like we have made sacrifices and I think we both feel we have turned our lives upside down for eachother but I don't resent her for the choices I have made. At what point does looking after yourself become selfish in the context of a committed relationship? I always looked at us as partners and continually considered her needs in my plans but am now feeling as if I am being left "in waiting," while she decides what she wants. I think we should both be able to flourish as individuals, while maintaining our relationship, it may simply mean making some compromises (win-win) along the way.

 

Comments?

[Eddie Edirol]

Making her look at her actions to blame herself is not going to make her attracted to you again. Bottom line is that living with you she felt uninspired, which could be your fault for a number of reasons. She blames it on everything else, but the real truth might be she just lost alot of attraction for you and doesnt want to tell you why. Usually people dont tell you why when they dont want to salvage the relationship, especially when they try to get away from you. She might have felt forced to move in with you and that kind of trauma on a relationship is hard for couples to go through when they werent ready.

 

You dont have to feel as if you are left in waiting, you could move on with your life as if nothing is wrong as well, you're going to have to anyway. Dont wait for her. Instead of looking at her like she betrayed you, you might want to look at your actions while you lived together that might have been turn offs to her so you can learn something from this.

 

Hopefully she did move out to salvage the relationship, to gain attraction to you again, as long as you back off and let her look for you. Hopefully she didnt move back home to look for someone else while you wait for her.

[ldlover]

Making her look at her actions to blame herself is not going to make her attracted to you again. Bottom line is that living with you she felt uninspired, which could be your fault for a number of reasons. She blames it on everything else, but the real truth might be she just lost alot of attraction for you and doesnt want to tell you why. Usually people dont tell you why when they dont want to salvage the relationship, especially when they try to get away from you. She might have felt forced to move in with you and that kind of trauma on a relationship is hard for couples to go through when they werent ready.

 

You dont have to feel as if you are left in waiting, you could move on with your life as if nothing is wrong as well, you're going to have to anyway. Dont wait for her. Instead of looking at her like she betrayed you, you might want to look at your actions while you lived together that might have been turn offs to her so you can learn something from this.

 

Hopefully she did move out to salvage the relationship, to gain attraction to you again, as long as you back off and let her look for you. Hopefully she didnt move back home to look for someone else while you wait for her.

 

Eddie, thanks for the response. Certainly some things to think about! I didn't give alot of background in this post but I'll provide some extra details now. When we started dating, I had my own place and as tensions mounted at her family home, my GF was staying over more and more to the point that she had effectively moved in. At the time, I just wanted her to know that she was welcome at my place - I don't think I pushed her into it at all, although as you say, her perception could be vastly different. I really do feel that her reason for moving out was a function of both moving in too early and the need to sort out her life/career goals.

 

In terms of waiting; I am doing things for myself and I think my decision to move is a step in the right direction for me. The thing is, my GF still wants to have input into these decisions. For example, she does not want me to commit to a living arrangement or good job incase she decides to move again (she does not want to stay in this city). How should I respond to this?

 

We have discussed a few things for me to work on, coming from our year of cohabitation. I have been doing alot of thinking and reflecting as you say, I just don't think that holding myself 100% responsible is a good way to look at it, either. I did everything I could for us; working many hours per week with a full college courseload. I love her and would do anything for our relationship, which right now means backing off, as you say. I'm just having a hard time dealing with her resentment of me, for these issues. Unless of course, it is as you say and she has simply lost interest and is using these issues as scapegoats.

[Eddie Edirol]

Problem is I dont know what the distance will be between you two when you move away. Heres how you know if she has any right to input on the decisions. Are you still exclusive, does she still drive to your house to stay a few times a week? Are you still having sex and talking to each other daily?

 

If she stopped staying over, having sex with you, then she has lost some attraction to you. That isnt a relationship anymore, shes put you on the backburner. Meaning she is looking for someone else or just wants to be away from you for a while , while making sure you are her safety net. In THAT case, you dont give her any input on what youre doing. You tell her to shyt or get off the pot. Shes either with you, or shes against you. Whats wrong with the city youre in?

 

You are supposed to be the relief from her family, which is why she moved in with you in the first place. if she went back to them, either she was never really into you, or you did some things to chip away at her attraction, which you said you discussed with her and you will work on. But if she resents you, either its something you did, or she is covering for something else. I cant know without all the details.