Roadlesstaken Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Can having sex too soon with a man turn him off? How long should you wait before having sex? I am new again to the dating world after having been married for close to eleven years, so I would appreciate some insight. Thanks.
Eddie Edirol Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Having sex too soon doesnt turn a man off. If he gets turned off really easily, he isnt that into you in the first place and you shouldnt be worried about him.
Nexus One Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I'm not sure about the answer to that question, because it could depend on the guy, but if you have sex too soon with a guy when (internet) dating, then there is the risk that the guy you're dating is dating you merely to have sex, after which he simply disappears. The f*ck and run strategy. So holding off sex for a while weeds out the bad apples that are looking for sex only, they'll get frustrated and simply stop dating you and move to the next woman. The guys that are genuinely interested in you will stick around longer.
elastica Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I think men can be turned off by many things, but if they genuinely like you, early sex won't turn them off (unless of course they judge you according to childlish double standards).
Author Roadlesstaken Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 Ok the reason I ask is because a couple of months ago I ran into an old friend of mine. We talked for weeks and then when we went out on a date we had sex that night. He told me, before I dumped him because he was trying to be a financial user, that I was promiscuous for having sex with him so fast. I told him that he was a willingly participant and he said that it was a double standard for men. So this is why I am asking these questions. Also, he said that sex was really good. Will men drag out a bad relationship if the sex is good?
Eddie Edirol Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Ok the reason I ask is because a couple of months ago I ran into an old friend of mine. We talked for weeks and then when we went out on a date we had sex that night. He told me, before I dumped him because he was trying to be a financial user, that I was promiscuous for having sex with him so fast. I told him that he was a willingly participant and he said that it was a double standard for men. So this is why I am asking these questions. Also, he said that sex was really good. Will men drag out a bad relationship if the sex is good? That guy wasnt into you, he was just using that excuse instead of telling you the truth which was he just wanted to use you. No one goes through with sex just to use it against them unless they are themselves unstable and manipulative. You dont want that kind of person.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Ok the reason I ask is because a couple of months ago I ran into an old friend of mine. We talked for weeks and then when we went out on a date we had sex that night. He told me, before I dumped him because he was trying to be a financial user, that I was promiscuous for having sex with him so fast. I told him that he was a willingly participant and he said that it was a double standard for men. So this is why I am asking these questions. Also, he said that sex was really good. Will men drag out a bad relationship if the sex is good? He sounds like loser. Unfortunately, sex really is a double standard, but we live in the 21st century, if you want to have sex, you can have sex. You just can't change others opinions of you.
elastica Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Will men drag out a bad relationship if the sex is good? Good question, I would also like to hear some answers from men about this. But I personally think a healthy grown man would not stay in a bad relationship just because of good sex. Well, at least I would like to think that. LTRs can evolve from sex on 1st date, I have been there myself. In fact, I am all for having sex early on. But the fact that he had sex with you and now says you shouldn't have done it is pretty revealing about his personality.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Will men drag out a bad relationship if the sex is good? Good question, I would also like to hear some answers from men about this. But I personally think a healthy grown man would not stay in a bad relationship just because of good sex. Well, at least I would like to think that. LTRs can evolve from sex on 1st date, I have been there myself. In fact, I am all for having sex early on. But the fact that he had sex with you and now says you shouldn't have done it is pretty revealing about his personality. No not a relationship, but they will drag out the dating period without exclusivity. A relationship would mean texting, calling, and checking up on each other every day or every other day. Non- exclusive dating only means the guy can get her to come over to his place with a simple text/ phone call. Big difference.
Lilmisus Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Yes, it can. But it depends on the guy. When talking to my boyfriend about it, he said that he's had sex with a girl on the first date, and he's had girls go for him soon after meeting him, and that it's just a major turn off. He (and many other guys) doesn't want to be with a girl who seems like they've been with every other guy they've gone out with. Yes, it is a double standard since he was willing to have sex with them too, and I still don't get that at all. I feel like if you are a willing participant, why are you complaining? But I think it's more about playing hard to get than anything else. Guys like the chase, and they like to feel like the "conquered" something when a girl that they've been seeing for a while finally sleeps with them. No guy feels like he really "conquered" a girl and got through to her if he finds her easy enough to sleep on the first (few) dates. But also, guys like girls who have respect for themselves, and if they think that you don't have enough respect to save that part of you, then they most likely will lose part of their respect that they once had for you. And might I suggest that you should watch "The Ugly Truth" since it about it as well. Plus it's just a cute/funny love story, and one of my favorite movies.
Author Roadlesstaken Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 I don't know if it makes a difference, but he and I are in our 40's with marriages and divorces between us. I have not been with any other man before him for 15 years. However, he had been married, divorced, engaged twice in three years and had dated approx 8 other women. So his incorrect assertion of my character is really a stretch.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Yes, it can. But it depends on the guy. When talking to my boyfriend about it, he said that he's had sex with a girl on the first date, and he's had girls go for him soon after meeting him, and that it's just a major turn off. He (and many other guys) doesn't want to be with a girl who seems like they've been with every other guy they've gone out with. Yes, it is a double standard since he was willing to have sex with them too, and I still don't get that at all. I feel like if you are a willing participant, why are you complaining? But I think it's more about playing hard to get than anything else. Guys like the chase, and they like to feel like the "conquered" something when a girl that they've been seeing for a while finally sleeps with them. No guy feels like he really "conquered" a girl and got through to her if he finds her easy enough to sleep on the first (few) dates. But also, guys like girls who have respect for themselves, and if they think that you don't have enough respect to save that part of you, then they most likely will lose part of their respect that they once had for you. And might I suggest that you should watch "The Ugly Truth" since it about it as well. Plus it's just a cute/funny love story, and one of my favorite movies. That is my all time fave rom-com! And it really does speak the truth, the " ugly" truth. Guys like to chase, and they prefer to go after girls who play hard-to- get than girls who throw themselves at them.
jane100 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 An interesting question, and one that I have asked myself recently . But another angle few people ask: when do YOU want to have sex, and perhaps why whilst we're at it? People say its better if you wait, more meaningful / enjoyable - so you could experiment with that perhaps. I do find the double-standard very tiresome, I have even heard men view women as cheap for doing what they themselves are doing and have even instigated, what can I say? The double standard seems alive and well. One other way of thinking about it. If you want a LTR with someone perhaps its better to wait, but if you would really just like to have a fling with someone, perhaps it matters less. Its quite complicated and there doesn't seem to be a definitive answer.
CharlotteCraig Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Lots of men would get into or stay in a relationship if it means they get easy casual sex or they can string the woman along with promises that come to nothing. Look at the married men who promise to leave their wives but can never get around to it. I am not knocking the men who use this site, so please do not think I say all men are the same. I know some are decent and others are bad. But I recently met a guy who made it clear he did not like me much, he said I was too firm and unmoving and would not compromise. The thing I would not compromise on was this. I made it clear he was not my type and I did not fancy him and we had very little in common. Well they were three plain facts. Facts are facts. He then told me he had regularly been to see a prostitute and paid a lot for sex. And he made me an offer. That he would come and stay with me regularly for five days every fortnight and have lots of sex and be with me for that time. He offered nothing to pay for his keep or for my time or for the sex, so it would have all been to please him. He was old, ugly and toothless. And it was clear he was just trying to find a very cheap and much better alternative to returning to the prostitutes. I have also had men on dating sites who wanted to decide whether or not I was for them purely by my age, looks and location with no interest in the fact that I am educated, intelligent, successful at business and professionally etc. So yes I know that mean men and nasty men will get into and stay in relationships just to get free sex, if you are daft enough to let them.
pandagirl Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I think it's always good to wait a little, just because, what's the rush? I know I won't have sex with a guy until I feel comfortable, which usually takes about 1-2 months of dating.
elastica Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 No not a relationship, but they will drag out the dating period without exclusivity. A relationship would mean texting, calling, and checking up on each other every day or every other day. Non- exclusive dating only means the guy can get her to come over to his place with a simple text/ phone call. Big difference. Actually I just came back to add something to my previous post, where I said I believe a man will not stay in a bad relationship just for good sex. Well, I just remembered I know a guy who is in a very bad relationship, but does not want out. His gf gives him sex, and takes care of basic things (cooking, cleaning etc). But they fight all the time. Weird, I guess. So I think it depends on the guy, and there are a few weird ones out there who will stay in a bad relationship and even get married without love. But yes, I agree with the bold part, it is absolutely happening.
elastica Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Lots of men would get into or stay in a relationship if it means they get easy casual sex or they can string the woman along with promises that come to nothing. Look at the married men who promise to leave their wives but can never get around to it. I am not knocking the men who use this site, so please do not think I say all men are the same. I know some are decent and others are bad. But I recently met a guy who made it clear he did not like me much, he said I was too firm and unmoving and would not compromise. The thing I would not compromise on was this. I made it clear he was not my type and I did not fancy him and we had very little in common. Well they were three plain facts. Facts are facts. He then told me he had regularly been to see a prostitute and paid a lot for sex. And he made me an offer. That he would come and stay with me regularly for five days every fortnight and have lots of sex and be with me for that time. He offered nothing to pay for his keep or for my time or for the sex, so it would have all been to please him. He was old, ugly and toothless. And it was clear he was just trying to find a very cheap and much better alternative to returning to the prostitutes. Maybe he truly thought he was irresistible to you...
Cee Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I have come to the conclusion that it's better to delay sex for a bit. It gives the wrong men time to show their true colors. And it gives you time to genuinely fall for the good ones. And the first sex is better. It's not just about passion then, but genuine affection.
jane100 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I would also add to my earlier post. If you are a trusting person with generally good motives about why you sleep with someone, it is not always a good idea to assume the other person has the same motives/feelings, especially with men on this issue it appears. So, as well as one's own feelings, one has to try and be aware of where the other person is at - in case they are using you without your knowledge. How, you actually decipher that is the question, as in the end, waiting is no guarantee either. You cannot totally protect yourself from risk. And I think what Cee says about "geninue affection" is spot on anyway.
O'Malley Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I'm not sure about the answer to that question, because it could depend on the guy, but if you have sex too soon with a guy when (internet) dating, then there is the risk that the guy you're dating is dating you merely to have sex, after which he simply disappears. The f*ck and run strategy. So holding off sex for a while weeds out the bad apples that are looking for sex only, they'll get frustrated and simply stop dating you and move to the next woman. The guys that are genuinely interested in you will stick around longer. I'd apply the above to your initial dates. As for your second question: No not a relationship, but they will drag out the dating period without exclusivity. That is generally the case. Take more insight into the emotional reciprocity in the relationship. Is he interested in your life, supportive, there for you when you're having difficulties? Is he on the same page about where the relationship is progressing? Or does he only seem to be available when he has a need that he feels should be met by you?
Author Roadlesstaken Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 I thank you for all your opinions. I have a lot to learn about men and sex. Even though he was a jerk to the highest proportion, the sex was great. I don't look back bitterly because I think of it as a learning experience.
elaina Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Can having sex too soon with a man turn him off? How long should you wait before having sex? I am new again to the dating world after having been married for close to eleven years, so I would appreciate some insight. Thanks. Good question. It's something I'm curious about too.
elaina Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I have come to the conclusion that it's better to delay sex for a bit. It gives the wrong men time to show their true colors. And it gives you time to genuinely fall for the good ones. And the first sex is better. It's not just about passion then, but genuine affection. This makes sense to me. It is confusing the double standards that some men have, but yes I think you're right here. It's just so hard to do, to wait!!!
eerie_reverie Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 There are a lot of examples of the double standard on LS, but in my real-life experience, most guys aren't that hypocritical. I had sex with my now-bf before the first date, and it didn't prevent him from getting to know me, becoming exclusive, and even saying ILY first.
mtber75 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Ok the reason I ask is because a couple of months ago I ran into an old friend of mine. We talked for weeks and then when we went out on a date we had sex that night. He told me, before I dumped him because he was trying to be a financial user, that I was promiscuous for having sex with him so fast. I told him that he was a willingly participant and he said that it was a double standard for men. So this is why I am asking these questions. Also, he said that sex was really good. Will men drag out a bad relationship if the sex is good? At least he wasn't a complete stranger you just met? Yeah he was using you for sex and money, what a loser! I would say month or 2 is the standard for me. Anything less, I view the girl as easy.
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