confuzed25 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 So I finally found the man I thought I was supposed to be with for the rest of my life. He is everything I've ever looked for in a man....and on top of all the great qualities he has he has a wonderful heart and treats me like a princess. We've only been dating for a month but he likes me so much and says he feels like we could have a future together and hes so excited to find out where this goes. I feel the same way. We had so many fun plans for the next few months. We have not done much sexually...we've made out, hes felt me up a little but I prefer to go slow in the beginning and he totally respects that. Last night we were laying on the couch talking about things, just getting to know each other. I was explaining to him that I have not slept with many guys and that is because I prefer to get to know someone first and feel that I can trust them and because there are so many diseases going around. I then said "honestly, do you have anything?" He just looked at me and I could feel his heart pounding....he said yes. I said "what do you have?" He looked like he was terrified or he was about to cry. He said "I have herpes." My heart skipped a beat and I could just feel a door slam closed somewhere in my brain. I knew this was a dealbreaker. I could never volunteer myself to get a life long illness that could affect my children if I ever have any and could affect future relationships if this guy and I dont work out. For over an hour he lay there and beat himself up and was so close to tears...he said it was an ex girlfriend who knew she had it but didnt tell him. He said hes incredibly angry and disgusted because his friends are man wh*res and sleep with tons of women but they are supposedly clean and he has been with only a dozen women and all of them but 2 were girlfriends and he has to have this burden for the rest of his life. He said "you have no idea how many nights ive laid in bed trying to figure out how I was going to tell you." He said there was no way he was going to allow us to have sex until I knew. He said he knew this was going to be the last time he sees me and if so he doesnt blame me. He said he cant be mad if I choose to stop dating him but he thinks I am the most amazing girl hes ever met and he sees a future with me but its so unfair he has this awful burden. He really showed his true colors that he had the guts to admit it to me and risk losing me and the things he said, you could definitely tell he was so tore up over it and felt so awful. he just kept saying im sorry over and over again. I am so angry that life is so unfair...this is a definite dealbreaker for me. I have not told him yet..I told him I had to think about it but I know theres no way I can continue in this relationship. I dont know if that makes me selfish or what but I'm not going to volunteer myself for this disease. Maybe this is God's way of saying hes not the guy for me but I just feel so bad for this guy. Hes such a good guy but now he has to risk losing every girl he starts to care about. The last girlfriend he had was fine with it...they were together 2 years after he told her. So hopefully he isnt mad at me because I cant accept it but other girls can....please give me some thoughts on this situation! What would you do if you were in this dilemma???
Mrlonelyone Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Consider the following: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herpes_simplex#Epidemiology According to a study conducted between 1999 and 2004, 17.2% of the US population test positive for the presence of the HSV-2 antibody using the IgG test, though only 2% were aware of an infection.[7] This represents a decrease in the infection rate, down from 21% when a similar study was conducted in 1988-1994. So about 1/5 of all of us have the HSV-2 which causes genital herpes... That leaves out those who have HSV1...the herpes that gives cold sores. 98% of the infected don't know it. So there is a fair chance that you have at least been exposed to herpes if you have had sex with more than five different people in your life. In other words don't sweat it. The truth is there's a pretty good chance you have herpes already. Besides haven't you seen those commercials for the Herpes Medicine Valtrex? Once you have herpes suddenly you'll be younger, sexier, and take exotic vacations.
Eddie Edirol Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 You wouldnt feel that life is so unfair if you were proactive in finding the right man, rather than waiting for him to come to you.
Leeway Harris Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I don't know too much about herpes, but I think you're jumping the gun to say this is a definite dealbreaker. If everything is that good otherwise, maybe you can find a way to make this work? I'm sure plenty of people with herpes have perfectly good relationships. And why are you so sure it will affect your future children? I think his herpes may make things a little more complicated, but it doesn't automatically spell doom for the relationship, if you just open your mind a little.
SunsetRed Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Yeah, be patient with yourself and him as you think about it. You may have already been with someone who had it and they weren't having symptoms, so they just didn't tell you. He's been honest enough to put himself on the line so give him some grace and treat him with respect. I'm not saying that you should sleep with someone when your heart says No, but at least don't let this be the main dealbreaker that makes you pull away. Maybe spend some more time getting to know him so that you feel more comfortable with his situation.
LittleTiger Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Please don't give up on a man who may be the 'love of your life' because of this. Do some in depth research on this subject before you decide it's a dealbreaker. Much of what is said about herpes is exaggeration and you may already have been exposed to the virus but are symptom free. There was a very long thread a short while ago with a lot of posts about the reality of herpes. I've posted a link for you. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253736/
Knittress Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 You don't think you're being a tad melodramatic over this? I got cold sores as a teenager sharing band instruments, which has caused me to be mindful of the possibility of spreading the virus during oral fun-times. To the best of my knowledge this has never happened, but you never know, and most folks aren't as cautious about this as I am. You'd really dump a good man over this?? Alright, I suggest you do so... and then send him over here.
SlawKing Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I think it's a little unfair and selfish to title this topic "Why does this happen to me?!" You realize that this is something that he has to live with for the rest of his life. You've just got a decision to make. Seems a little self-involved. No offense.
pandagirl Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Okay, again, I have herpes, and it sort of breaks my heart to hear you say you like this guy so much, but that this is a dealbreaker for you. Do you know much about the disease? If not, I highly recommend you learning more about it. 1 in 5 men, and 1 in 4 women have it. It's so common, that if you tell your doctor about it, they won't even flinch, because that's how little of an impact it has on your health. Seeing that 20-25% of the population has HSV, whose to say that the next guy you meet won't have it, or even worse, WON'T tell you about it? If you use a condom, you can drastically reduce the risk of getting HSV to very small percentages -- we're talking ~2%. If he uses suppressants, even less. I've told three men in my life that I have it, and none of them have "rejected" me based on this.
SmileFace Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Yes , it is so unfair that HE has herpes.sigh
LittleTiger Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Seeing that 20-25% of the population has HSV, whose to say that the next guy you meet won't have it, or even worse, WON'T tell you about it? If you use a condom, you can drastically reduce the risk of getting HSV to very small percentages -- we're talking ~2%. If he uses suppressants, even less. Very good points pandagirl. The next guy might even be a symptom free carrier and not even know he has it. At least you know what you're dealing with here and this guy sounds like a keeper to me.
O'Malley Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 If it's enough of a dealbreaker for you that it would impact how you regard him and the relationship overall, then end things. There's no wrong choice here. If you want to give this relationship a chance, then seek the advise of your doctor or another qualified medical professional about the risks of exposure and how to minimize them. Make an informed decision based on what you learn from him/her and what you've discussed with this guy.
Rxwoman Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Yeah, this is a hard one. I had a girlfriend years ago who was in the same boat. Her old BF gave her herpes, and she was devastated. I'd say consider the fact that HE TOLD YOU. He was being honest and responsible. That alone says a lot about this guy. He's a good guy. And he cares enough not to lie. But I feel your pain. You can be very carefull, use protection, use medication, not have contact when he's broke out, but in the end, you can still catch it. People can live with herpes. It's just like living with cold sores, so that part isnt the bad part. Here's the bad part. If you commit to this guy, and down the road you do contract the virus. You can probably live with it. However, what if you don't stay together? then YOU will be the one having to tell other potential partners that you have herpes. And the worst part. As a women you will be potentially eliminating your option of having kids by normal delivery. You'll be advised to have a c-section . I feel bad for this guy. But STD's is sometimes one of the consequences of having unprotected sex. It's like rolling dice. Snake eyes, you lose.
paddington bear Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Please educate yourself about this before dumping the guy for having the misfortune to get this. Sounds like you think that you will for sure end up with herpes if you are with him. People get outbreaks of it, they don't have it all the time. http://www.herpes-coldsores.com/herpes_prevention_tips.htm
Jannah Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Besides haven't you seen those commercials for the Herpes Medicine Valtrex? Once you have herpes suddenly you'll be younger, sexier, and take exotic vacations. If that's true, then I am going out and getting Herpes stat!
Gala Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 It says a lot for this guy that he was upfront with you. I'll chime in with all the posters who've recommended that you read up on the disease. I was exposed to it many, many years ago by a clueless and insecure boyfriend...but I never had an outbreak. I didn't know in the beginning that I'd be so fortunate, and of course found out all about it. An important characteristic of herpes is that the outbreaks can become less frequent over time; the first few years are generally the most intense. And if someone who has it is watching for symptoms, and managing it well, it really can be dealt with. The question of harm during childbirth is a serious one, and of course you're going to think about that. But I wouldn't jump yet if I were you. Sit with this for a bit...and slow things down with the guy if that makes sense.
Duckduckgoose Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 At least the guy told you... I've known 2 people who got herpes from girls that either didn't know they had it or didn't bother telling the guy they had it. Either way, both guys were heartbroken when they found out they had it. Have your bf get STD tested, make sure nothing else is lurking. If you are going to debate staying with him its the least he can do. You get tested too, and show each other your results.
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