irc333 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 There was this woman I had an interest in in quit some time (I think I might've mentioned her earlier in these forums, but there's been a bit of an update) She was seeing a guy, and I know her through some friends in a real life network, but contacted her via MySpace....we had been chatting back and forth there, but turned out, she was seeing a guy at that time....I laid low for about a year, then she contacts me out of the blue...she's not with anyone anymore and sees that I'm going to an event and I asked if she wants to join me...and I pick her up. I won't get into details, but our “friendship” evolved into something ab it more special....we really get along great, crack each other up, had very intimate conversations about our lives...even sexual. She eventually gets more friendly with me and flirty and invites me to her place after we went to a group event.....she shows me her panty collection that she bought from Victoria's Secret. lol I'm the kind of guy that likes to take things slow....so we cuddle and such watching TV, I had to be up early the next day, so I go home. I actually go out with her again, and it's more of a “date” kind of thing at a group event at a public place. We are really clicking and there was this couple that we were talking to, the woman of that couple asked us , “So how'd you all meet?” and I said, “Oh, we met through some friends. And then she asks, “How long have you been 'together'?” And my “lady friend” response, “Oh, we're not together.” in a rather intense tone. I was kinda put off by this, but didn't say anything, but later in the evening she could tell something was wrong. And she asked me. I said, “Well, I thought we were on a date, and you said what you said to that woman, it kinda put me off.” And she goes, “oooh, well, I”m not really looking to date in general, but you never know.” (Meaning that our friendship COULD evolve into something) Oh, and in that evening, when I was eating something, something was stuck on my face, and she pointed it out, and apparently I couldn’t find it...and she goes, “Well, I'm NOT going to attempt to wipe it off!” I didn't ask her to. But, when we got back to her place, she asks me to stay the night with her, we gave each other rather intimate massages....some toplessness was involved. Anyhow, fast forward to last Sat night, and we go to eat at a restaurant where we wait in line. I go to put my arm around her waist, and she pulls away. And I go, “What's your problem?!” And she said, “I don't like to do that kind of thing in public.” And I go, “Why not?” and she says, “that's what couples do” I am irked by this, and we have a long discussion about our situationn, that you don't just get physical with a guy, but then you shirk him off in public. She goes, “yeah, I know I'm sorry, I've been known to do that with male friends from time to time.” She doesn't have sex with men, she's hadn't had sex since her serious relationship, and tells me she WON'T let a man have sex with her, until she' s in a SERIOUS relationship with a guy, she'll fool around and do “other” things, but not intercourse sex. I sometimes think to myself, “Meh, enjoy the physical contact for what it is, because how many female friends even LET you touch them like this one does, and she's pretty hot and I do like her.” Apparently, though EVERY guy she's been FRIENDS with, she's dated eventually....her first husband was her BEST friend, and she married him. (shes' divorced now...lol..go figure) I almost feel like going home early, but I don't and we actually passionately kiss for the first time, making out....deeper kissing. I keep thinking this MIGHT turn into something, but it's still too foggy. Apparently, she's trying to recover from a divorce from 3 years ago, and for some reason can't get used to being single/independent. She thinks Im' a sweet guy, loves my company, and all that, but doesn't consider us “dating”. And also...by the way, my friggin' MALE friends saw me with her, and said, “Hey, way to go man, you guys dating?” They're kinda rootin' for me, and I just say, “Meh, she's work in progress” I sometimes want to lie and say, “yeah, we're dating”, but would that be wrong? It might be my fault for trying to go along with it, but NOW...I'm at a crossroads...and figuring that I might lay off seeing her and avoid the frustration. So, that being said, anyone been in a situation like this? I guess this is a friends with benefits kind of thing....but when I start to get intimate with a woman, I'll start claiming “we're together”....if I do, and she doesn't know it, she might not be pleased if she finds out through other friends. And having to tell the people who are "rooting" for you, esp. after seeing how cute she is....it also gets awkward having to explain to them, "Well, we're just friends, and seeing how it goes" Actually, I'm not sure if she is seeing HOW it goes. But my point also is to think how embarassing a situation can be for someone, when someone is put on the spot to explain to a stranger how "we're not a couple" while the other person thinks otherwise? Ever been in such a situation where you had to go "WOOOAH WOAH< w'ere not dating!!!"
carhill Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Apparently, she's trying to recover from a divorce from 3 years ago, and for some reason can't get used to being single/independent. She probably needs a bad boy to bang her for awhile to break the cycle. Caring guys don't have the brute uncaring force to break her current cycle. She was married. She knows how intimate relationships work. Even if the marriage was messed up, and you really have no way of knowing that, if she was a healthy potential, she would have processed it by now. I wouldn't be surprised if she was banging a bad boy and using you for her cuddle buddy/validator. We can analyze this until the cows come home but IMO the healthy imperative is to decide if what you have right now feels satisfying and meaningful to you. If it does, go with that. If not, discontinue. The fear can be, hey, I got *something* now, but, if I let it go, then I have *nothing*. Face that fear and conquer it. I personally have found that discontinuing women is empowering. Good luck
Cee Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 She sounds like a piece of work. I see four options: Option A: Friends with benefits. The kiss, underwear display, and the massage screams that she's into a FwB thing. I had to laugh at the part where she fools around with men sometimes, but doesn't sleep with them unless in a serious relationship C'mon, give me a break. If you want to try fwb, you'll have to be completely hands off in public, but then mess around in private. I'm not a fan of fwb because it drains a person of the ability to find a more suitable mate. Option B: Friends only. I really don't know what to say about friendship because you haven't pointed any of her good attributes. Is she intelligent, funny, a great conversationalist, and widens your horizons? If she's good friend material, I would say keep her around. And then friendzone her by going out in non-datey ways. No more kisses, massages, and sleep overs. Option C: LTR. I suggest you take this option completely off the table. Possibly an LTR will arise from option A or B. Option D: Run for the hills. If she is as vapid and cold as she seems in your post, I would suggest this course of action. But, hey, I don't know her. You do. TRUST YOUR GUT
GivenUp0083 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 She was seeing a guy, and I know her through some friends in a real life network, but contacted her via MySpace....we had been chatting back and forth there, but turned out, she was seeing a guy at that time....I laid low for about a year, then she contacts me out of the blue...she's not with anyone anymore and sees that I'm going to an event and I asked if she wants to join me...and I pick her up. You found her on myspace, big red flag in my eyes, but ok... I won't get into details, but our “friendship” evolved into something ab it more special....we really get along great, crack each other up, had very intimate conversations about our lives...even sexual. Sounds like a friendship She eventually gets more friendly with me and flirty and invites me to her place after we went to a group event.....she shows me her panty collection that she bought from Victoria's Secret. lol Sounds like a friendship. Girls don't show their panty collection to dudes that they're wondering about and hoping to date, so that rules YOU out... I'm the kind of guy that likes to take things slow....so we cuddle and such watching TV, I had to be up early the next day, so I go home. Girls like attention, that's for sure I actually go out with her again, and it's more of a “date” kind of thing at a group event at a public place. We are really clicking and there was this couple that we were talking to, the woman of that couple asked us , “So how'd you all meet?” and I said, “Oh, we met through some friends. And then she asks, “How long have you been 'together'?” And my “lady friend” response, “Oh, we're not together.” in a rather intense tone. You heard it from her mouth, you're not dating I was kinda put off by this, but didn't say anything, but later in the evening she could tell something was wrong. And she asked me. I said, “Well, I thought we were on a date, and you said what you said to that woman, it kinda put me off.” Big mistake. Now she knows you want something and probably thinks you're creepy for being so obvious and put off about it And she goes, “oooh, well, I”m not really looking to date in general, but you never know.” Don't read into that statement (Meaning that our friendship COULD evolve into something) ...and you just did Oh, and in that evening, when I was eating something, something was stuck on my face, and she pointed it out, and apparently I couldn’t find it...and she goes, “Well, I'm NOT going to attempt to wipe it off!” I didn't ask her to. She's on guard now because you threw a hissy about not being on a date, so now she doesn't want to lead you on so she's defensive about doing date-like things, i.e. wiping **** off your face But, when we got back to her place, she asks me to stay the night with her, we gave each other rather intimate massages....some toplessness was involved. Girls take their tops off in order to help get a better massage, so good job, you're her massage playtoy now Anyhow, fast forward to last Sat night, and we go to eat at a restaurant where we wait in line. I go to put my arm around her waist, and she pulls away. And I go, “What's your problem?!” And she said, “I don't like to do that kind of thing in public.” That's because she's not dating you And I go, “Why not?” and she says, “that's what couples do” and here she even tells you flat out she's not dating you I am irked by this, and we have a long discussion about our situationn, that you don't just get physical with a guy, but then you shirk him off in public. She goes, “yeah, I know I'm sorry, I've been known to do that with male friends from time to time.” This would send me running for the hills, but clearly you like to be emotionally abused by women She doesn't have sex with men, she's hadn't had sex since her serious relationship, and tells me she WON'T let a man have sex with her, until she' s in a SERIOUS relationship with a guy, she'll fool around and do “other” things, but not intercourse sex. Ok, she won't date you, and she won't give you sex...are you looking for just another lady friend again? What are you doing with her? I sometimes think to myself, “Meh, enjoy the physical contact for what it is, because how many female friends even LET you touch them like this one does, and she's pretty hot and I do like her.” Doesn't matter how you feel bro, she feels nothing for you. Apparently, though EVERY guy she's been FRIENDS with, she's dated eventually....her first husband was her BEST friend, and she married him. (shes' divorced now...lol..go figure) So clearly being friends with her hasn't worked out for other guys either considering she's no longer with them. Nice job not using a way to differentiate yourself. All this means is she's settled for all the guys she's been with. I almost feel like going home early, but I don't and we actually passionately kiss for the first time, making out....deeper kissing. Unfortunately, from my personal experience, this doesn't mean as much as you think it does. I keep thinking this MIGHT turn into something, but it's still too foggy. Apparently, she's trying to recover from a divorce from 3 years ago, and for some reason can't get used to being single/independent. Red Flag!! She thinks Im' a sweet guy, loves my company, and all that, but doesn't consider us “dating”. And also...by the way, my friggin' MALE friends saw me with her, and said, “Hey, way to go man, you guys dating?” They're kinda rootin' for me, and I just say, “Meh, she's work in progress” I sometimes want to lie and say, “yeah, we're dating”, but would that be wrong? Lying is typically a morally wrong act, so yes, telling your friends you are dating when she clearly said you're not....that would be wrong. She's no work in progress, you're the one being WORKED as she's using you for company until a guy she really likes comes along. You'll be posting on her in 2 weeks about being dumped for another guy It might be my fault for trying to go along with it, but NOW...I'm at a crossroads...and figuring that I might lay off seeing her and avoid the frustration. You're not going along with it, you're trying to force dating on her. Don't lay off, run away, ignore, delete.... So, that being said, anyone been in a situation like this? I guess this is a friends with benefits kind of thing....but when I start to get intimate with a woman, I'll start claiming “we're together”....if I do, and she doesn't know it, she might not be pleased if she finds out through other friends. Yes I have, it doesn't end well and if you' don't let go you will get burned. She should be chasing YOU. Find girls who already have initial interest and go from there. This girl doesn't have initial interest, she has alterior motives. And having to tell the people who are "rooting" for you, esp. after seeing how cute she is....it also gets awkward having to explain to them, "Well, we're just friends, and seeing how it goes" They root for the underdog because the spread is high, you have almost no chance of winning Actually, I'm not sure if she is seeing HOW it goes. But my point also is to think how embarassing a situation can be for someone, when someone is put on the spot to explain to a stranger how "we're not a couple" while the other person thinks otherwise? It definitely can take a heavy shot at your ego, and it's been done to me a few times when I was in my early 20's, but then I learned how to gauge women's interest through their words and actions and it doesn't happen to me anymore, because I'll just go find a different girl who is interested if I find the girl I'm with doesn't have any. Ever been in such a situation where you had to go "WOOOAH WOAH< w'ere not dating!!!" Good luck, but I feel like you may have a hard time dealing with it. Your thought process is too far in the wrong direction.
Ay Diesel T Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Bro if she's not putting out and that's what you want - eject! Don't sit around and feed her attention, that's super super lame. Unless you care about this woman, but she just sounds like a tease. **** like that is a major turn off. Don't hang the meat in the window if it's not for sale.
Author irc333 Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 Bro if she's not putting out and that's what you want - eject! Don't sit around and feed her attention, that's super super lame. Unless you care about this woman, but she just sounds like a tease. **** like that is a major turn off. Don't hang the meat in the window if it's not for sale. Actually, I don't care if she doesn't put out...that's not improtrant to me
carhill Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 So, what's the purpose of the interaction? Here's my test. Watch for how and when she gets her needs met versus how and when you get yours met. Watch the timeframe and parameters. A clear schedule becomes apparent. It can be balanced or one-sided. When one can look at this dynamic dispassionately, it's amazing how things come into focus. Say you were really sad today, like perhaps from a close friend dying, and you needed a friend to come over and be with you tonight and give you some support and understanding and affection, would that be her? Now, consider the reverse. That's the balance I'm talking about. Try it. What I've noted is that sexual and romantic *attraction* clouds nuances of true relationship balance. It's a fog of sorts. With sufficient sunlight, the fog burns off and clarity results. Hope you find yours.
Author irc333 Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 (edited) At this point, I will try to see if the "genuinely" cares about me. But some opportunities need to arise in order for to her show how she really is (true colors) and how supportive she can be in my time of need. Time will tell. Basically a test in seeing how much she really gives a rats arse about me. So, what's the purpose of the interaction? Here's my test. Watch for how and when she gets her needs met versus how and when you get yours met. Watch the timeframe and parameters. A clear schedule becomes apparent. It can be balanced or one-sided. When one can look at this dynamic dispassionately, it's amazing how things come into focus. Say you were really sad today, like perhaps from a close friend dying, and you needed a friend to come over and be with you tonight and give you some support and understanding and affection, would that be her? Now, consider the reverse. That's the balance I'm talking about. Try it. What I've noted is that sexual and romantic *attraction* clouds nuances of true relationship balance. It's a fog of sorts. With sufficient sunlight, the fog burns off and clarity results. Hope you find yours. Edited February 11, 2011 by irc333
carhill Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 If your life is anything like mine, it's far from perfect. Having supportive friends is a great asset. Make use of it. She apparently is one of those assets. I'm sure she'll be there for you. Your job is to refrain from minimizing your 'stuff', even the day to day. Let it out. Release. Ah.
Leeway Harris Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Consider this: If she meets somebody she wants to get exclusive with, all the massage, making out, and pretty much all physical intimacy between the two of you will stop. How will you feel then? Will you feel used? Will you feel like she led you on by continuing to mess around with you, even though she said you weren't dating? I'm saying this because it is going to happen. She will eventually get serious with somebody, and you'll have to deal with it. If you're anything like me, you'll feel better about yourself if you end this now, rather than waiting for it to just "happen," which it will, make no mistake about it.
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