Man MIA

[Stormyweathergirl]

Hi,

 

I don’t post here but I do regularly read. I’ve got an bit of an issue and I’m hoping for some feed back. Thanks!

 

So I met a guy not long ago. I really wasn’t looking for anything apart from fun, dating and hanging out. Certainly not a relationship. I met this guy lets call him P. Suddenly All the clichés – staying up all night talking about seriously personal things, amazing connection, laughing and laughing, mind blowing sex, having so much fun. We have pretty much spent every night together since apart from when I’ve had set other plans (for instance I had a trip planned to see some friends, he told me to go have a great time and then met me at the train station when I came back with flowers).

 

So its important to note that he has been the one pushing the seriousness and intensity in everyway – I’ve been the one holding back more/playing it cooler – saying we hardly know each other etc. I did also have a freak out right at the start and ignored him for a week. We spoke honestly about it - he was patient, i got over it. He always wants me around, texts me all the time, likes me to call him on my lunch break at work, talks loads about “us,” tells me all the time how into me he is, really wants to look after me. I do trust him as everything he’s said so far has been proven right. For example he says he gets a lot of girls and he’s normally just not that into them, doesn’t like hugging or kissing them. I met someone who knew him and they backed this all up. I also overheard him on the phone talking to some friends saying how amazing I was and how he was falling for me. He took me to stay with his brother. We all got on great and (after a few drinks) his brother took me aside and told me that P is really into me. We communicate so well, we just talk honestly and openly about anything.

 

Now I know everyone will say this is ridiculous and all happening way to soon as we’ve only known each other about 5 weeks. However, I think rules are meant to be broken sometimes. I’ve had 2 LT relationships before (2 and 7 years) and they both started like this. I’m of a if it feels good go with mentality. Also I have just come out of 7 year relationship a few months back – so I’m not thinking about the future. If this all messes up from being to full on then who cares – its been a great ride well it lasted. I should note here he came out of a 2yr relationship about the same time. We are both 26.

 

So obviously there’s an issue, otherwise why would I be posting? The whole time we’ve been together we knew he was going to Thailand in a month for a month. He lost his job and his dad is out there and bought him a ticket. It’s all a bit of a strange trip as his dad is not really a dad like dad. He’s a recovering alcoholic. Though probably drinking again in Thailand. The rest of the family say he got P the ticket as he wanted a babysitter.

 

P is half dreading and half excited about this trip. As the time gets closer he also starts getting pretty sad about being away from me. He nearly cries at one point and says he’s not sure he’ll go. I tell him not be ridiculous – he’ll have fun. We talk about the possibility of me coming out for the last week as a little holiday. Anyway the week before he goes I tell him that this is an amazing thing he’s getting to do and maybe it would be better if he was completely single for it. You have to make the most of these opportunities! I said I would understand and we’ll meet up and see if we can pick things back up when he gets back but we’ll both be free. He says this is not what he wants at all. He doesn’t want to sleep around. He wants to spend time with his dad, get fit, chill out on the beach and get his head together (he’s been having some life issues). He asks me to be faithful to him. I say that’s fine – I don’t want to sleep around anyway but he needs to be sure this what he wants. He is adamant.

 

We talk about communication while he is out there. He tells me not to freak out if he takes awhile getting back to me. I say of course not. I want him to have fun not be messaging me all the time. He says he’s not good at emailing and it’ll probably just be a few lines here and there. Not really lovely stuff just checking I’m ok, telling me he’s ok. I say fine – I don’t expect anything. He asks me not to play games though and get back to him etc. He is worried that I’ll have another freak out when he’s away. He keeps telling me not to.

 

Just before he goes he gives me his only house key. He has housemates but doesn’t know them that well. I live nearby and I've (already) spent loads of time there. He asks if I can go there check his mail once a week, and says he just wants me to have it in case something goes wrong etc. He tells me stay over anytime as well. I lend him my ipod for the trip. This is a big deal –its one of my favourite possessions. Before he leaves he tells me not to confuse myself (ie don’t confuse myself about us) and that he’s falling for me.

 

So the only plan we had made was that he would send me a quick message on Wednesday when he arrived (after nearly 24 hrs of travelling) and after talking to his dad so he knew more what his plans were and I could maybe look into coming over in the last week. He made this arrangement. He told me when to expect it.

 

So guess what now its Friday lunchtime and nothing! I wouldn’t have cared at all…I’m not clingly, or obsessive, I want him to have fun, I wouldn’t have expected a message this quick. But why tell me to expect it and then not do it? I am really annoyed he has put me in this position. Don’t tell me you’re going to do something and then not do it! I keep having momentarily flashes of worrying if he’s ok but then tell myself that of course he is. The only thing to note is that he wasn’t’ sure what to expect when he got out there. He mentioned there might be a really long bus ride to another part of Thailand straight away. His dad is flakey and changes plans a lot. He was worried he wouldn’t be there to meet him and he had v little cash on him. However – its been 48hrs now. Option a) for some reason he can’t contact me. I find it pretty hard to believe there is any reason he couldn’t find an internet café within that time. So I guess option b) for some reason he doesn’t think it’s a big deal or he just doesn’t want to (ie met someone else, having doubts).

 

I’m pissed with myself I got into this position of worrying about him, plus I said I’d be faithful and if I break that now what if I find out he was having some issues and I broke his trust this quickly. He can’t even get in his bloody house without me so we’ll have to meet up as soon as he gets back.

 

So am I right to be annoyed? Am I overreacting? Should I be worried? I know I put myself in this stupid position but I could do with some advice.

 

 

 

Thanks. xx

[z00m25]

idk im assuming maybe he cant contact you, i heard cell phones dont work in certain parts of the country and ive left the country a few times some of the internet cafe prices are redic. im sure he will eventually find a way to contact you and explain himself

[Stormyweathergirl]

Thanks for replying.

 

Maybe that is the case but Thailand is hardly off the beaten track these days. I just feel that if he actually wanted to contact me he could find a way. Its not hard to find somewhere to send a short email...he flew into Bangkok - thats a major city.

 

I'm just mad at myself for getting into this postion. Its much easier when you don't care about what others are doing....sigh.

[carhill]

What's his brother saying about this?

 

I see it as a month of balance for a lot really fast.

[Cee]

After reading your story, I would be worried too. Your BF is going to a foreign country with a father who is an active alcoholic. That sounds like a treacherous situation.

 

I would consider him not contacting you to be an emergency. He probably is fine, but him not saying he's ok is an emergency for you. He has put you in a bad situation and he needs to contact you.

 

I would send an email to your BF and ask him to get in contact ASAP. Put your phone number in the email because it's possible his phone doesn't work or is lost and he hasn't memorized your phone number. If your boyfriend has a CMDA phone (e.g., Verizon, Sprint), he probably can't use it in Thailand. He should be able to call from a GSM (iPhone) phone. If you have Skype, you can use that to get in touch, but that's a little bit more complicated.

 

If you don't hear from him in a week, I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to contact one of your boyfriend's friends or family members for assistance. They might have information to put your mind at ease.

 

Keep us posted.

[Stormyweathergirl]

I'm not going to ring up his brother - I'm not that kind of girl. I like to play it cool and not be bothered about stuff. I don't want to be seen checking up on him. The annoying thing is normally I am cool, I'm not naturally a worrier.

 

Point taking things to fast. I know that. I was actually semi thinking the same thing. That this month would be really good for both of us to get some perspective on the situation and chill out. Instead I'm being driven slightly crazy. He's just always been so into communicating me its just really weird he's completely stopped.

[Stormyweathergirl]

Thanks for responding Cee. I'm just so confused as to if I should be worried or not. I guess this why you shouldn't move so quickly - as when it comes down to it I don't know him that well and I have no idea if this is in character or not.

 

What kind of an emergency could happen though when you can't get someone to send a text or write a quick email. I know his dad has a working phone (though agreed he might not have my number) but there are internet cafes everywhere!

[carhill]

OP, I do the same thing when I'm overseas. You'll see a few posts here on LS from me when I'm at my hotel but I'm largely incognito, mainly because I want to be.

 

Sometimes no news is good news. However, I would have let my family (and you) know I arrived safely, simply because of knowing how people can sometimes be concerned about that. This is why I suggested asking his brother. He knows P a lot longer than five weeks and can share what is usual and customary in his family for such things, as well as any news of P's whereabouts. Since brother apparently knows that P really cares about you, I don't see this contact as inappropriate. To me, it's normal.

 

Good luck

[Stormyweathergirl]

Good points Carhill.

 

I was just thinking you are right. I could contact his brother. Then it dawned on me I have no way of doing that! I have no number and no email. P and I aren't even friends on Facebook - he wanted to I refused saying it was too soon (yes, I know thats a bit of a joke considering everything else I agreed to - I am ridiuclous!).

[carhill]

He took me to stay with his brother. We all got on great and (after a few drinks) his brother took me aside and told me that P is really into me. We communicate so well, we just talk honestly and openly about anything.

 

Is *stay* in some foreign country and brother has no name? There are ways of contacting people if sufficiently motivated. You've met his brother, pressed flesh and stayed with him. He's known to you. I know you'll figure it out. Good luck

[Star Gazer]

There's something very suspicious about a guy who comes on as strong as this one did. There's also something a lil' weird about a guy flying to Thailand alone to spend a month there with his drunk father.

 

Something's not right here, and it's got nothing to do with you, OP.

[Stormyweathergirl]

It is all a little weird. I agree it should be warning signs that he came on so strong but it was just really fun! I like to just roll with stuff.

 

All my long term relationships have started with similar intensity.

 

P and his dad are close. They've been through a lot together. His dad offered him a ticket to Thailand said he'll pay for accommodation and food. That it would be nice to spend time together. P had just been made redundant, been having a bit of rough time. He thought a month on a beach was exactly what he needed. Plus he does this kick boxing type thing and he was going to do month long course of it out there. Get fit etc.

 

I agree it is all still strange though...I think I like things that are a bit different though. I like qurkiness - people who aren't afraid to go slightly against the normal expected rules. If this is where it gets me though I may need to have rethink! I just don't know whether to be worried or annoyed.

Edited February 11, 2011 by Stormyweathergirl

[mtber75]

First of all I would like to commend you for being such a committed girl (2 and 7 years) that's takes a lot of heart!

 

It seems that he's the one who's really clingy and serious so if he hasn't contacted you yet you should be worried? Like the previous comment, foreign country and a unstable family member is a receipt for disaster! So I would wait a few more days and if he don't contact you call up his friends or family?

[Stormyweathergirl]

Thanks mtber75 - thats a really sweet thing to say. I guess I've just been luckly though. I met a couple of great guys. I actually look it more of a bad thing though - as i have only been single for less than a year since I was 16! I was intending to try it out a bit longer this time.... It just never seems to work out that way.

 

Ahh I'm feeling worried now, even though lots of me is saying thats ridiuclous and he's just having tons of fun and not given me a second thought. It is strange thought that he was the clingly one, he was the one who wanted constant communication...