Eeyore79 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 My boyfriend left my Valentines gift at my house, and I wasn't supposed to but I peeked inside. It's sexy underwear (the uncomfortable sort you wear for a man's benefit, not the nice sort you would actually wear for yourself). Now I'm not averse to having a bit of fun, but I sort of feel like it's a present for himself, not a present for me. A present for me would have been a bunch of flowers, or jewelry, or even a book or a scarf - something I would actually enjoy. If he had to buy underwear, he could have bought nice silky feminine underwear which I could wear to go out, instead of the uncomfortable strappy peephole type stuff that's only to be worn in the bedroom for the man's gratification. I wouldn't care if he only spent ten bucks as long as he got something thoughtful which was actually for me. I won't get any personal enjoyment out of kinky underwear, I'll just put it on for his benefit and then put it away. Now I just feel like a piece of meat, a sex object, not a person who he loves. Maybe I shouldn't complain, because at least he made the effort to buy something. I just feel like he hasn't thought about me at all, and has just bought something he would like. Valentines Day is supposed to be about love, not sex
denise_xo Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 (edited) Every situation is different, but my general rule of thumb is that I don't attach to much meaning or interpretation to gifts. Several years into our relationship, my partner would buy me presents that I really didn't like that much, and there were also several instances where I'd do the same. It didn't mean anything in terms of lack of love. We both genuinely thought that we had bought something nice for each other, and we had both put thought into it. But unless you actually ask what people want (which I often do before buying gifts, sometimes explicitly and sometimes more implicitly fishing for information), then it's easy to miss the target in terms of gift exchange, because there can be subtle nuances in terms of what makes people appreciate something (or not). Your bf got you something romantic and something that relates to your mutual love and attraction. That's how I would frame it. Unless you have other relationship problems, I wouldn't take it as negative. Edited February 11, 2011 by denise_xo
Whatshername Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 FYI - There is no quicker way to set the stage for future gift apprehension and even NO GIFT/issues over gifts, if you say one thing to him, other than act surprised, thank him and BE thankful he thought about you. Remember the whole "it's the thought that counts"? It IS! In time as you grow closer, he will get to know you and you can drop subtle hints(he may not even get them), or he might be like my ex and buy over the top things to compensate for what you really need. All said, people show love in different ways. Giving might not be his. Read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.....and find out what his ways are.
Author Eeyore79 Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 But unless you actually ask what people want (which I often do before buying gifts, sometimes explicitly and sometimes more implicitly fishing for information), then it's easy to miss the target in terms of gift exchange, because there can be subtle nuances in terms of what makes people appreciate something (or not). He did ask for ideas about what to buy. I gave him a list of jewelry stores where he could buy something pretty for $20 or less, plus I told him what color flowers I like. Then he turned up with pornographic underwear
oaks Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 He did ask for ideas about what to buy. I gave him a list of jewelry stores where he could buy something pretty for $20 or less, plus I told him what color flowers I like. Then he turned up with pornographic underwear Maybe the flowers will arrive on the day.
Author Eeyore79 Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 FYI - There is no quicker way to set the stage for future gift apprehension and even NO GIFT/issues over gifts, if you say one thing to him, other than act surprised, thank him and BE thankful he thought about you. I can see your point. I kind of feel like he didn't think about me, but maybe he thinks he did... All said, people show love in different ways. Giving might not be his. Indeed. This is the same man who gave me a tub of yeast spread for Christmas, because he knows I like it on my toast Read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.....and find out what his ways are. I actually gave him the ordered list of my love languages. I try to give him what he wants (which generally seems to be sex and blow jobs) but he doesn't make an effort to give me what I want (loving words and quality time) despite me having said very clearly that this is what I need to feel loved. Maybe I need to talk to him again Maybe the flowers will arrive on the day. It is possible, but unlikely since we set a cash limit, and he appears to have spent up to that limit already on underwear.
oaks Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Then he turned up with pornographic underwear Ask him what he's going to wear.
milkmaterial Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 well its kind of hard to buy us presents, i had a bf back then who gave me a perfume that i didnt ask for, and he said because the one i liked "sounded" tacky. ehhehe. well the name of the one i liked was "lolita", cant blame him. just give him the benefit of the doubt, at least u have a gift..
East7 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 He did ask for ideas about what to buy. I gave him a list of jewelry stores where he could buy something pretty for $20 or less, plus I told him what color flowers I like. Then he turned up with pornographic underwear Well, that shows that he is more focused on the sexual part of the relationship BUT it doesn't mean that he has less feelings for you. Men are more often into spicing their sexual life rather than the emotional part of it (not all but many). And that makes some girls to vent here on LS
Mrlonelyone Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Well, that shows that he is more focused on the sexual part of the relationship BUT it doesn't mean that he has less feelings for you. Men are more often into spicing their sexual life rather than the emotional part of it (not all but many). And that makes some girls to vent here on LS As far as the gift goes cut the guy a break. He thought to buy something that to his mind is for you.... I mean...he probably assumes that you'll enjoy what'll happen when the underpants come off. :-) However if your emotional needs are being met, you need to have an open and honest talk. For as long as sex and blowjobs are on tap he will assume everything is fine.
westrock Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I actually gave him the ordered list of my love languages. I try to give him what he wants (which generally seems to be sex and blow jobs) but he doesn't make an effort to give me what I want (loving words and quality time) despite me having said very clearly that this is what I need to feel loved. Maybe I need to talk to him again Ok, so his love language is sexual oriented. He did ask for ideas about what to buy. I gave him a list of jewelry stores where he could buy something pretty for $20 or less, plus I told him what color flowers I like. Then he turned up with pornographic underwear From his perspective, he is probably thinking he is giving you the highest compliment in his "love language". In his mind he has thought about you. He just needs more practice communicating in your love language. In the meantime, put on your "love language translator" and realize that in his mind he is thinking about you and giving you the highest compliment in his love language. You do the translating into your love language. See the issue as a love language translation issue not as an issue where he hasn't thought about you or your feelings.
Els Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I think it's unfair of you to assume all that just based on the gift. Different women are different, and he cannot read your mind to know which camp you fall in. You haven't even been together that long to begin with.
jane100 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I think its OK to take your feelings seriously. Did he notice your reaction that you were upset? Perhaps you are upset about something more going on in the background. Although sometimes gifts are neither here nor there, sometimes they tell us what people think about us, or that they don't actually think that much about us ...
elaina Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 My boyfriend left my Valentines gift at my house, and I wasn't supposed to but I peeked inside. It's sexy underwear (the uncomfortable sort you wear for a man's benefit, not the nice sort you would actually wear for yourself). Now I'm not averse to having a bit of fun, but I sort of feel like it's a present for himself, not a present for me. A present for me would have been a bunch of flowers, or jewelry, or even a book or a scarf - something I would actually enjoy. If he had to buy underwear, he could have bought nice silky feminine underwear which I could wear to go out, instead of the uncomfortable strappy peephole type stuff that's only to be worn in the bedroom for the man's gratification. I wouldn't care if he only spent ten bucks as long as he got something thoughtful which was actually for me. I won't get any personal enjoyment out of kinky underwear, I'll just put it on for his benefit and then put it away. Now I just feel like a piece of meat, a sex object, not a person who he loves. Maybe I shouldn't complain, because at least he made the effort to buy something. I just feel like he hasn't thought about me at all, and has just bought something he would like. Valentines Day is supposed to be about love, not sex Ahh Sexy lingerie is romantic to many people, I know I like it and would not mind it as a Valentine's day gift. To me, it's a very sexy gift! But yeah I understand why you feel that way, but maybe he doesn't? I wouldn't take it so hard, not unless you know for sure that he doesn't love you and just sees you that way... I think more than likely he just doesn't know how you are feeling.
dreamingoftigers Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Yes he just gave you a super-high "love" compliment. If he loves sex and bjs from you and was the same guy that got you the spread to put on your toast, then yes, no further questions needed, you are definitely dating a male of the species! Although you may feeling objectified and so forth, I can't truly tell you that I would be so so happy if my husband ever brought me stuff like that.
collegeguy_24 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Heres an idea, how about you actually wait to V-day to see what happens. Over analyzing everything right now will just ruin the day.
Nexus One Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 (edited) Indeed. This is the same man who gave me a tub of yeast spread for Christmas, because he knows I like it on my toast Hahaha. Even though that seems like a silly gift, note the logic behind it, he thought you liked it, so he got you something he thought you liked. I remember we had this history class back in high school and the teacher covered the pre-historic era and the subject gravitated towards foods and the fact that men not only hunted but also gathered food. Except what they brought back wasn't always tasty food. Like flowers for example, you can eat certain flowers, but they don't always taste that great. So men brought flowers to their women as food, but the women didn't like the taste of it, but they didn't want to waste the flowers. However they did like how the flowers looked and smelled, so they started to put the flowers in their hair to look pretty for when their men returned from hunting and gathering. (women actually gathered 80% of the food too though and the human diet back then was roughly 80% vegetarian due to the food women chose to gather. Men excelled at hunting, but probably sucked at gathering) I don't know how this is exactly relevant, but I felt compelled to tell it anyway. I think the point is that men suck at gathering and that probably goes for gathering gifts too. So there you go. Edited February 11, 2011 by Nexus One
Nexus One Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I think I just figured out why I like it when women wear flowers in their hair. It's possibly a pre-historic male instinct that has evolved over time. Up to this day men keep bringing flowers to women. However I rather have women put them in their hair than in a vase though. I think it's a pity women don't put flowers in their hair more often than just on their wedding day: 1. http://i.imgur.com/ZxTGL.jpg 2. http://i.imgur.com/TKNrI.jpg Men like it, we have kept bringing them to you for thousands and thousands of years for a reason. I think that reason is to put them in your hair.
Eddie Edirol Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I actually gave him the ordered list of my love languages. I try to give him what he wants (which generally seems to be sex and blow jobs) but he doesn't make an effort to give me what I want (loving words and quality time) despite me having said very clearly that this is what I need to feel loved. Maybe I need to talk to him again Obviously if he doesnt give you loving words and quality time after you explained this to him, its because he doesnt enjoy doing it. He might be like me, I hate giving gifts and getting them, its horseshyt to me. So if he doesnt like giving gifts, quality time, and loving words that you need to feel loved, time to move on. You cant change his essence.
sammyd Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Ask him what he's going to wear. :laugh: Seriously, i think he probably just thought it was a cool gift, and he probably went to a lot of thought to get it for you! Why don't u rush out and buy him a posing pouch, see if he likes it!! LOL
zengirl Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 My boyfriend left my Valentines gift at my house, and I wasn't supposed to but I peeked inside. It's sexy underwear (the uncomfortable sort you wear for a man's benefit, not the nice sort you would actually wear for yourself). Does he know the difference between the two types? From your description, I'm not even sure I do. Though, frankly, I get it: I'd feel weird if a man I wasn't living with/married to ever bought me undergarments. I'll buy lingerie based on a guy's tastes, and once we've been together awhile, don't mind getting something like that, though I guess I'd have to be absolutely 100% sure beforehand that he didn't see me as purely a sex object, or as a sex object first/sex being the most valuable part of the relationship. So, it depends where you are. Indeed. This is the same man who gave me a tub of yeast spread for Christmas, because he knows I like it on my toast Are you saying that's a good or bad present? If you like eating it, sounds like a good present to me. But I'm utilitarian with these things. I try to give him what he wants (which generally seems to be sex and blow jobs) but he doesn't make an effort to give me what I want (loving words and quality time) despite me having said very clearly that this is what I need to feel loved. Maybe I need to talk to him again THIS is the major issue. If you don't get quality time or the kind of loving connection you need, that's way more important than a silly VD gift.
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