buckeyelove Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 For the past year and a half, I have been fortunate to be with the man that I consider my soul mate. We fell in love very quickly and it was as if we had known each other forever. When he holds me, I feel at complete and utter peace with the world. I've never known such love even existed! We met at a time in my life that wasn't healthy or good for me to become involved in a relationship, but I felt that I couldn't help it. I met him shortly before I filed for divorce with my ex-husband. My marriage was already dead and over, but I still felt guilty for becoming emotionally involved with him. He helped me get through the divorce, gave me strength, dried my many tears, and comforted me. And we were so happy together! We share most of the same interests and spent all of our spare time together up until I left a few days ago. About 10 months after my divorce, we moved in together. Although I've had some of the happiest times of my life with him, it hasn't been all roses. It's been very difficult coping with my divorce and I know that I had no business involving myself so quickly in such another serious relationship. My partner does not believe in traditional marriage, but believes that marriage is only between a man, woman, and God. He believes that we are married in our hearts and I've felt more married to him than I ever did to my ex-husband. My partner has many different ideas and that is part of what attracts me to him. But it is often frustrating because he sometimes has a difficult time compromising. Up until a few days ago, he refused to compromise on his beliefs about marriage and said that he would only ever marry me if we had children. I don't know if I want children at this point. I'm not looking to legally remarry anytime soon, but I feel that it is important to know for the long-term. Ever since I've met my partner, we've been planning on moving to a state with a warmer climate. We live in a cold northern state and we both dislike winter. This is something that I've always wanted to do. I've felt for quite some time that I wanted to make this change in my life. I moved to this cold state because I followed my ex here- never wanted to live here myself. After going through some more recent life stresses, my partner encouraged me to search for a job out of state- and then I recently found one. After an agonizing decision and many conversations with my partner, I accepted the job offer. Although my partner did encourage me to look for this out of state job, he cannot move with me at this time. His career field is not nearly open in this economy as mine is. Instead of discussing the possibility of a long distance relationship, he completely shut down and said that he cannot even attempt it and it will be over if I leave. He says that once he gets over the pain of being away from me and learning to live without me again, it won't ever be the same and he will never be able to open himself to me again. I cried for days and days, trying to gather the strength to pack my belongings and get in the car and leave. Part of me feels that if I don't do this, I'm making another decision for a man, instead of for myself. I feel that I am giving up on my life goals and dreams. Finally, a few days ago, I did it. I packed all of my stuff and left. And then panicked. I can't even describe the horrible, gut-wrenching feelings. I've always had a difficult time being away from him, which I believe is part of being separated from your soul mate. He called me completely shocked and couldn't believe that I'd really done it. I went through what can only be described as an emotional breakdown- shaking, panic attacks, unable to sleep, constant crying, unable to eat. I made it to my parents house and had to stop. My partner is now promising me the world if I return home. He will legally marry me (eventually), get me a puppy (he is slightly OCD and doesn't like pet hair in the home), have kids with me, etc. My partner (and I) have both recognized that I (and we) need counseling to deal with some of our issues and he is willing to do that. Once I made the decision to stop my journey, I felt a lot better. Now, I'm just trying to figure out if I should go back home to him or continue on to my new life. I feel as though I'm compromising my life goals by returning; on the other hand, I don't want to lose my soul mate. We had a very good life together! So, that is the question: Should I return to my soul mate and work through some of the issues or continue on to this new and uncertain life? Thank you for reading....
depplover_1980 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Well well well, what to do, what to do...this is a difficult one and I am typing just an my intuition is grabbing the answer... Right I think you should stay where you are in your new life for 3 months. Start your new job, give yourself a chance to meet friends and gather a realistic feel for what your life would be there - in order to make a fair decision you must have an equal understanding of both options, which you do not have at the moment as you have just arrived. I am saying this because your own gut instinct was/is to try this new life, but at the moment you are clouded with physiological hormones from leaving your lover, which are affecting this instinctual feeling you posess. I am a huge believer in going with what your urge tells you and deep down I think you know that you must go on a personal transition, exorcise your marriage demons and develop your own character before you can recommit to be part of a couple. If your relationship with this man is as strong as you say it is then firstly he will understand this journey, or at the minimum respect it and secondly the love will repair any separation or division. However I want to strongly warn that the whole soulmate business is something the psyche can develop when it most needs a form of comfort and I've fallen foul to this with a man before when I was vulnerable. I met someone who understood me so profoundly and I developed a sense of the soulmate scenario, but actually he was exactly what I needed at that point and still remains a very good friend. Once I re-established myself I developed an insight to see what had happened on a deep emotional level and it was more about me. I look forward to your reaction and comments. x
Author buckeyelove Posted February 13, 2011 Author Posted February 13, 2011 Depplover- Thank you for your response. You are right- deep down, I do know what I need to do. Initially, when I made the decision to stop my journey and stay for a few days at my parent's house, he was supportive and stating that he will do whatever necessary to make sure that I get through this. As a few days passed, he started being more insistent on me returning home and again gave an ultimatum- if I don't return by Valentine's Day, he is ending it. I don't believe that the way he is treating me is fair. There should be no ultimatiums in true love. I know that he wants me to come home, but I strongly feel that I need to remain somewhere neutral until I have made my decision. I met with a therapist today and came away from the session feeling that I need to move forward with my decision to move to Florida. There is much more to our relationship that I didn't include in the original post. In the last few days, I've come to the realization that my partner is a bit more manipulative and controlling than I think is acceptable in a relationship. Thanks for your comments about soul mates. I do agree and think you are right in a way. Elizabeth Gilbert is one of my favorite authors and she has a great quote about soul mates that I think is very fitting: "People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life..."-- Elizabeth Gilbert
depplover_1980 Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 Crikey I found her words so true to the core of my beliefs i'm genuinely touched. Me and Elizabeth Gilbert think very a like! Will respond further tomorrow.x
depplover_1980 Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 To be honest there was something about your post that caused a few alarm bells, like I could sense something was not completely right about him. I know it must be hard for him, but he needs to look at what you've been through, be confident you love him and be there in the relationship still from a distance. If someone is not prepared to do that while you sort your life out, then they don't truly love you and are selfish. Ultimatums seldom work and thank goodness because they are pressurising and the opposite of love, which to me is about freedom. You go forward with your gut, which in my experience is seldom wrong.
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