What is happening to me??

[Nutmeg617]

Well, hello. I'm not exactly new to LS, but am new to this particular forum. I posted a thread in the Separation/Divorce section almost a year ago now. Feel free to dig it up, but I'm pretty much going to start over anyway and add some new twists to the mess.

 

I've been married for 4 1/2 years, together for nearly 8, and we have an amazing 2 1/2 year old son. Our marriage is collapsing, and has been for some time (hence last years LS thread). My husband and I have nothing in common besides our son, and I have absolutely no attraction to him whatsoever. In fact, even thinking about kissing him these days (let alone anything beyond that) actually gives me a repulsed feeling. It makes me very sad to admit that, because I do think he's a decent person at his core. Jeez, I don't even know how to give all this background without forcing all you lovely readers to several hours worth of my blathering. In a nutshell, my husband and I don't love each other anymore...should really be separating, and have talked many times about it, but financially can't make it happen....and I am harboring loads of guilt about possibly destroying my son's "family". Tons of confliction and confusion and convolution. Lots of "cons", in other words.

 

Now for the fun part.....

 

When I was 17 years old I fell in love. When I first laid eyes on this person (let's call him Jay) it was the stuff of movies. The door opened, my head turned, and time slowed down. Everything around me went blurry, and he was the only clear thing in sight. We had an instant connection, and I remember that first night staying up talking till dawn and just being completely enamored by him. For the next 3 1/2 years, Jay and I were together off and on. He was a wild child and didn't really want to be in a committed relationship, and I struggled a lot with that because he was everything to me and I already knew I wanted to be with him forever. I knew he loved me, but who wants to be tied down at 17, 18, 19 years old (besides me, lol)? So I gave him space, or at least tried to, and he would always come back to me. Then one day he decided he wanted to join the Army. He was always paranoid that I would accidentally get pregnant, and he said he wanted to experience life before he was tied down to a family. He is of the belief that once you have children with someone you stay with that person forever, no matter what, because that is what his parents did. At any rate, he joined the Army and left me to go see the world. We kept in touch as much as we could (this was 10 years ago, so we didn't really have cell phones and all this social networking stuff at the ready), but we drifted apart fairly quickly. A little over a year after he left I randomly bumped into him while I was at work and he was home on leave. He ended up calling me later that night to hang out, and I went and hung out with him and his buddy for a few hours. It was his last night home, and he was going back to base the next morning. About 6 weeks later I was speaking to a woman on the phone at work, and it happened to be the mother of a good friend of his. We got to talking and she informed me that Jay had gotten married a few weeks prior. I was devastated beyond belief. I was still holding onto hope that we could someday be together, and to find out that only a year after leaving he had married someone else just killed me. That coupled with the fact that I had just seen him 6 weeks ago and he didn't tell me himself was like a twist to the knife. I spent a long time in a depressed fog, but knew I had to move on with my life. I have never, ever stopped thinking about him and always dreamed of the day we would run into each other again. In fact, all these years I see his birthdate everywhere I go. Maybe it's just my subconscious that makes the number jump out at me, but I'll wake up in the middle of the night and see it in the time on the clock, or I'll see it on license plates, or a price tag....still to this day....drives me absolutely nuts, and it's a constant reminder that I don't have him around. Even when I was getting married I still had Jay on my mind. I married my husband in the hopes that it would allow me to finally move on and get over it, but the pining never stopped.

 

Now, fast forward to November of 2010. Jay and I haven't had any contact since that night I hung out with him and his buddy 9 years ago. I probably could have reached out to him at some point, since I still see his old friends around town, but I never felt like it was appropriate. I did hear from his best friend a couple years ago that he had gotten divorced, but that he was now in a new relationship and they have children together. Anyway, so last November I was at work one day and that aforementioned birthdate was jumping out at me like crazy. It was ridiculous, it was everywhere I looked! At one point I heard a noise and turned around only to see his last name plastered on the back of a sweatshirt a few feet from my face. Now, I'm not much for dirt digging, but I got the itch and decided to Google Jay and see what came up. I never thought I'd find anything, but I did. Boy, I sure did. I came across a very recent newspaper article with some devastating information about a member of his family. The only reason I found it under his name was because he was quoted in the article, otherwise I would never have seen it. As much as I didn't want to disrupt his family, I had a voice in my head screaming at me to find him. So I contacted a mutual friend that very minute who immediately gave me his cell phone number. I held onto that number for days, not sure what to do with it. I knew I wouldn't rest until I said something to him, so I sent him a simple text message. I just told him it was me and I was praying for him and his family and that I would be around if he ever needed anything. When I hit "send" on that message I nearly threw up...lol. I honestly wasn't even sure he would respond, but within a couple hours he did. We had a very short conversation that day, but since then we have started texting again quite a bit. Not daily, but at least weekly if not more. We flirt a little, but we're trying to be respectful of each other's relationships I guess. We text for hours on end, and have had some really meaningful conversations. I guess it's bordering on an EA, but it hasn't really crossed the friendship line in any way other than we have both agreed that we don't want our SO's to know we're talking. We think our history would kick up some s**t. He's still not married, but they are engaged. He's hesitant to get married, but does say he's mostly happy in his relationship. I doubt that a little, because if that's true then why is he talking to me?

 

I guess I don't know what I'm looking for from all you LSers, I just needed to type all this out. I'm just so confused with what is going on with my life. My feelings for my husband are gone, and I now have Jay back in my life in some small way. It's so bittersweet, though, because since he has children with this woman I know he will never leave. It's nice to have his friendship, but I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't want more if I weren't married. I know that to be fair to my husband, issues or no issues, I should not be talking to Jay, but I don't know how I could ever stop. I've waited 10 years to have him back in my life and I don't know how I could ever let him go. Can anyone tell me if I'm making any sense? Have I just wasted everyone's time? Do you need more info to help walk me through this? I'm getting the feeling this thread I am starting is as confusing as all the thoughts in my brain. Seems appropriate. Thanks for reading.

[Mino]

wow, sounds like you are trying to create a R where there is none. Believe him when he says he is "Happy" What you need to be doing at this moment is looking at your own life and what are you going to do about it. Have you tried marriage counseling? If not, make an appointment. You have a child.... you owe it to your child to try everything under the sun to get your marriage back on track. If after therapy, your love does not come back, seperate and file for a Divorce. Your marriage might not be competely gone yet. Think of it like a plant, sounds like its been neglected, with some TLC and therapy, you could have a chance to bring it back to life. if its dead, nothing will bring it back, just like a dead plant, all the water in the world just makes mud. Then reality sets in. Do not stay in a marriage out of convience. Get a job, if you already have one, get another. You deserve to be happy, and so does your husband. Forget the other guy, he is engaged, he was a past lover, he obviously wasnt that interested then, and sounds like he is wanting only friendship now. Move on, and get your life straight first...

[Nutmeg617]

Thanks, Mino. You're definitely saying things that I have already been saying to myself, it just helps to hear it from outside sources. I know I should have moved on from this old relationship MANY years ago, but somehow his memory will pop up and all those old feelings come back. I'm being respectful of the fact that he has a good relationship and a family, and I'm glad that he's happy. I guess I just wistfully wish it were with me. But it's not, and I realize the reality of that, and when it comes right down to it I'm ok with it all. Trust me when I tell you I spend a lot of time trying to figure out my marriage. I've worked very hard to keep it afloat for many years, all by myself. Read up on my post from last year, not a whole lot has changed (and yet tons has at the same time...jeez...):

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t232429/

 

I just wish I knew how to get this old flame out of my mind. I'm pretty good about leaving him alone, I don't text him every day or bug him all the time, but after some time passes he'll inevitably pop up to ask how I'm doing and there's no way I can ignore it. Ugh. Whatever. Thanks for responding, I just need to get over it....

[whichwayisup]

You're really playing with fire. And you know it. Your body, your gut KNEW it was wrong to reach out to him, you nearly threw up when you hit send. You opened the door.. And added a ton of feelings, possible drama into your life, all invited in by you. A mutual friend could have contacted you about the sad news of his family member, or he could have looked you up. He didn't.

 

I assume you're hoping that an affair will start up and you'll still be able to stay married, and feel happier all around, and in some sense beacuse of your happiness, your marriage will seem better..The thing is, it'll all be under false pretenses, on the expense of your husband.

 

If you don't love your husband anymore, separate and divorce before you go ahead and chase Jay. Sort out your own life before adding someone else to it. Less complicated and less painful all around.

 

You ask why he's speaking to you? Well, you reached out to him. He didn't reach out to you..You offered a shoulder, with intentions of opening that door, hoping he'd contact you back, maybe rely on you, open up etc., what you don't realize is, sadly, you've taken advantage of his sad situation and used it to your own advantage. Not malciously, but selfishly. I don't mean that meanly, it just seems that true friendship isn't the factor here, it's your love for him, almost obsession that you didn't let go of him, always had hope for a future even though you are married and have a child with someone else.

 

Have you thought about seeking counselling to help you let go of him? Let go of the fantasy of a life together that you've built up in your head? Fantasy and hope is a dangerous combo, your mind allows you to go too far, out of the cusps of reality. It's almost like you're chasing a dream and that dream isn't real..Anymore.

 

Start by talking to your husband, have some very honest conversations with him. Maybe he is just as unhappy as you are, and a divorce would actually help you two be better parents, and maybe be good friends. You'll have have to deal with him as he's your kids dad. It doesn't have to be sour and awful, at all.

[Nutmeg617]

Two things:

 

I am NOT hoping an affair will start, because just these texts are complicating things enough. A full on PA would make me insane. If just sending that first text made me want to throw up, I can only imagine what the guilt of a PA would do to me. I have no intention on cheating on my husband, I realize it doesn't solve anything and only adds to the mess.

 

Also, while I understand you're point that I reached out to him initially, and perhaps it was selfish of me on some level, I do not feel that I am in any way taking advantage of him during his sad situation. It's most certainly a very private family matter, which is partly why I had such a hard time deciding whether or not to contact him at first, and it's not something any mutual friends would have brought to my attention. In fact, Jay and I don't even speak on the topic. I've told him I'll listen if he needs to talk, but it's too painful so we don't go there.

 

At any rate, I know I'm being an idiot. I'm creating drama when I'm craving calm. In this particular situation, though, I just don't know how to stop it. Thanks for your input, even though it stings a little.

[East7]

Hi Nutmeg, welcome to LS.

 

I have seen the pattern happen with my xMW (old flame) coming back into my life.

 

It is always the same story, you MW wake up one day and realize that X or Y was the love of your life. And it ALWAYS happens when your marriage is going downhill. If you were happy with your marriage you wouldn't even look for Jay !

 

Jay is your escape from your marriage, you want him because you want to feel the passion again. You love the LOVE for Jay, not really the actual person. You don't know him enough and he may have changed in 9 years.

 

I would really suggest not to get involved you both in an A, it will be really painful and consuming, it will rip your heart out. An A is a sweet poison. It is sweet and passionate but it kills you slowly.

Instead focus on what do YOU want. Decide whether it's time to end the marriage, for YOU not for Jay. Your kid will be OK, people very wrongly think that children are OK in a loveless marriage. That's not true, they are better with separated happy parents rather than together and miserable.

[woinlove]

Hi Nutmeg, welcome to LS.

 

I have seen the pattern happen with my xMW (old flame) coming back into my life.

 

It is always the same story, you MW wake up one day and realize that X or Y was the love of your life. And it ALWAYS happens when your marriage is going downhill. If you were happy with your marriage you wouldn't even look for Jay !

 

Jay is your escape from your marriage, you want him because you want to feel the passion again. You love the LOVE for Jay, not really the actual person. You don't know him enough and he may have changed in 9 years.

 

I would really suggest not to get involved you both in an A, it will be really painful and consuming, it will rip your heart out. An A is a sweet poison. It is sweet and passionate but it kills you slowly.

Instead focus on what do YOU want. Decide whether it's time to end the marriage, for YOU not for Jay. Your kid will be OK, people very wrongly think that children are OK in a loveless marriage. That's not true, they are better with separated happy parents rather than together and miserable.

 

Excellent post and the bolded is a useful insight which would seem to apply to many cases.

[mbm69]

You are making total sense Nutmeg... I understand completely what you are going through. I have a similar story, but we were apart 20 years.

 

A poster on LS pointed me towards Dr. Nancy Kalish's work on lost loves. Google her name and you will find TONS of stories similar to yours.

 

I'm still trying to come to grips with my own rekindling of a Lost Love, that's why I understand what you are going through. It is heart and gut wrenching. He was single, he contacted me, but it immediately reignited all the feelings I had for him TWENTY years ago.

 

Sorry I have no advice, but maybe reading about similar stories will at least make you realize you are not alone.

[Quiet Storm]

In this particular situation, though, I just don't know how to stop it.

 

You stop it by not acting on your feelings.

 

Your feelings are just that...FEELINGS. They will pass.

 

You have assigned importance to these feelings that makes them seem bigger than they really are.

 

You can control feelings by thinking about other things, keeping yourself busy, etc. Feeling unable to control your feelings is a sign of immaturity.

 

Think about a toddler in a store. He really wants a toy that he sees, but his mom says no. At that moment, he wants the toy SO BAD that his feelings overwhelm him. He throws a temper tantrum because he has not yet learned to control his feelings. As a parent, we can use various techniques, such as distraction, to calm him down and teach him that his feelings ARE MANAGEABLE. The feelings that overwhelm him, WILL PASS.

 

You are like the toddler that wants the toy, and these "love" feelings are overwhelming you right now.

 

You don't have a parent around to distract, so it's up to you to distract yourself until these feelings pass.

 

Assigning importance to those feelings, when you know logically that they are not healthy for anyone, is selfish and immature.

[East7]

@Nutmet, after reading your story 1 year ago, it really sounds like your M is hopeless and hitting the bottom. You have 3 options to consider if it can help you to see clearer, none of them is easy :

 

1. Stay unhappily married but faithful.

 

2. Stay unhappily married and have an A (cake eating seems comfortable at first but it may end up with more devastation and pain than a divorce)

 

3. Divorce and start a new life - which is better to lose your money or your soul? Plus you are still young (30), fresh (maybe cute and sexy), you can build a new life and be happy. At least you'll preserve your integrity. You don't want to wake up at your 40s and regret the life you could have had moving out.

 

Divorce is not easy, people often take it as a personal failure whether it is a couple's failure, people change, relationships change. No one will blame you about a divorce, but if you are unfaithful they will. There is also the fear-factor, the idea to find yourself alone may make you freak out but at least you will be free to date anyone you want in the daylight without sneaking around and burning in hidden feelings and guilt.

[Heather1]

Leave it alone....the situation is going to make you miserable, A or not, you're going to expect something "more" from him & you're not going to get it. He might cave, but he's happy where he's at & you need to respect that & deal w/ your own stuff.

 

That anxiousness you feel isn't telling you you need to contact him, it's telling you NOT to.

 

I only say this cuz you admit you're still pinning & you looked him up. Guys really don't see an A coming until it's physical, which is why he's contacting you back. You already know your motives aren't above board....not a moral judgement, it just is what it is.

 

IDK, think of a time when he really hurt you...that helps me a lot when dealing w/ x's.

[KikiW]

Simply look at it this way: if you and Jay were meant to be together, you already would be.

 

The fact of the matter is that you two have a wild chemistry together, but for whatever reason, you two are not meant to be a couple. The universe is telling you guys that it would be disastrous. There are things to work hard for, and things to "take the freakin' hint" about and leave alone.

 

And I'm not saying you need to stay in a marriage if it's truly done. No need to make you both miserable. Instead, focus on making the separation as painless as possible. Vow to remain on friendly terms in order to show your child that even though it didn't work out, you both love and support him.

[alexandria35]

I did take a look at some of your previous posts and it does seem like both you and your husband are very unhappily married. I can see how renewing contact with an old flame might bring on some good feelings but it's ignoring the situation at hand. What are you going to do about your marriage? From your description in past posts it sounds like you both might be happier and better off with a divorce. If that is the case why not do it in a way that is respectful to each other and doesn't leave lasting feelings of bitterness or pain? To have an affair now would just introduce a lot of pain and drama into an already unhappy situation and it doesn't have to be that way. You and your husband both need to be adults and deal with this one way or the other.

 

I also think you should believe the old flame when he says he is happy in his relationship. A lot of women believe that if a man is happy he would never become intrigued by another. I think women project their own feelings on men. As women we might feel like we could never even look at another man as long as were happy in our current relationship, but I think it's different for a lot of guys. Men have big egos that like a lot of attention and even if happily involved with one woman they may find it a little difficult to walk away from good attention from another woman. If feelings develop that is when I think the attached man may become unhappy in his primary relationship because then he becomes confused and torn. You mentioned things about seeing his birthday numbers in random places, his name printed on shirts etc. Kind of sounds like you have built this up as some kind of cosmic fated by the universe sort of romance. I would be careful with this. If you two are destined to be together there is no need to sully it up with a torrid affair. You both need to properly deal with your current relationships first. However it doesn't seem like he is in the same place as you. You are very unhappy in a marriage that maybe needs to end, while he sounds quite content in his relationship and is enjoying the extra attention from you.

 

Just curious about something. You mentioned that several years ago a mutual friend told you that he had gotten married and you were devastated by this, but later on you said he isn't married but engaged. What happened? Was the mutual friend misinformed or was there a marriage to someone else?

[Nutmeg617]

Thanks everyone for your insight and input. I think I'm just so d@mn miserable that I'm grasping at anything that might give me a shred of happiness. It's not working because I'm looking in the wrong places. I love my husband for being a wonderful father to our son, but that's it. I'm near the point of hating him for neglecting me and our marriage for so long, and I'm angry with myself for allowing the fear to immobilize me. I slept on it and reread my first post this morning. I feel pretty pathetic right now, to be honest. People who know me well consider me to be very level-headed. If they only knew how untrue this can be. I think I honestly just need an escape. I'm in a constant state of turmoil, and I very much feel like I've lost myself in this marriage. Maybe by talking with someone that I knew before my husband I'm able to feel like I can be my old self again. Problem is, it's only a fantasy. A dangerous one, I do see that. I guess it's time to get my old self back in a healthy and realistic way.

[Nutmeg617]

Alexandria35 - to clear up your question, he was married once but they divorced and he's now engaged to the mother of his children.

 

I'm kind of regretting starting this thread, because I feel stupid for even thinking any of this was real. My logical side knows what's true and what's not, but my romantic side sometimes won't shut the eff up!

 

My marriage needs to end, but I'm really struggling with carrying the responsibility of it's demise all by myself. My husband is complacent and knows how to play the victim. He is not adult enough to take action with me, and he will never admit his faults to anyone. He will make it so it looks like I'm leaving him and he's devastated and he's done no wrong. Only I will know the truth. It's a hard pill to swallow knowing it's all up to me and I'm going to be looked down upon for it.

[whichwayisup]

Don't feel stupid. It's good you started this thread and got feedback, it's made you really stop and think about everything.

 

And, sorry that my reply to you earlier was harsh. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

[Heather1]

Don't regret posting! We've all been there, it's just human. The "what if" & "ones who got away." Happens all the time. The other thing that's very human is wanting to be yourself again. I had a 15 yr blur when I was raising my kids & now I just want to be me.

 

Don't worry what others think about you & your M. If your H doesn't see his part & is kind of a victim, if you had an A it would make him more justified that it's you. I don't know why this is, but the person who has the A is always the fall person. He might use it for custody purposes too. Plan your exit w/ the least amount of drama so that you can be happy.

 

The other thing is to surround yourself w/ a couple of friends who support your decision & can help you through the tough parts. Anyone in a long term relationship shouldn't be quick to judge your decision.

[Nutmeg617]

Just read my horoscope for the day:

 

"It scares you when life seems like it's slipping through your fingers and you can't slow it down. But it isn't life that's playing tricks on you. You aren't seeing things as clearly as you should be. You feel a little left out, but don't worry. You're just out of energy. Try and think of this empty feeling inside as a kind of purification or a much-needed break from everything."

 

I don't hold much stock in these things, just kinda thought it was funny.

[lovingwhatis]

Nutmeg, when i read your post i was going to respond one thing, but then thought of it some more and saw it in a different light.

 

Since you talk about signs and the deep connection to Jay, you gotta find a way to decipher those signs. But don't take the most obvious explanation. He has persisted in your head maybe as a reminder of something you need to learn. When your heart was broken, you were in pain for long and made the decision to marry someone you didn't feel strongly for. I would say that was a mistake, for you knew how it felt yet settled. Now you gotta own it, and be brave. Some fear is holding you, you have to figure that out.

 

Sadly, Jay appears to not be having the same feelings, so take this whole sign thing more metaphorically, as a sign of the happiness you could have, but prob not with Jay.

 

Wishing you well.

[fooled once]

wow, sounds like you are trying to create a R where there is none. Believe him when he says he is "Happy" What you need to be doing at this moment is looking at your own life and what are you going to do about it. Have you tried marriage counseling? If not, make an appointment. You have a child.... you owe it to your child to try everything under the sun to get your marriage back on track. If after therapy, your love does not come back, seperate and file for a Divorce. Your marriage might not be competely gone yet. Think of it like a plant, sounds like its been neglected, with some TLC and therapy, you could have a chance to bring it back to life. if its dead, nothing will bring it back, just like a dead plant, all the water in the world just makes mud. Then reality sets in. Do not stay in a marriage out of convience. Get a job, if you already have one, get another. You deserve to be happy, and so does your husband. Forget the other guy, he is engaged, he was a past lover, he obviously wasnt that interested then, and sounds like he is wanting only friendship now. Move on, and get your life straight first...

 

Great post Mino.

 

Thanks, Mino. You're definitely saying things that I have already been saying to myself, it just helps to hear it from outside sources. I know I should have moved on from this old relationship MANY years ago, but somehow his memory will pop up and all those old feelings come back. I'm being respectful of the fact that he has a good relationship and a family, and I'm glad that he's happy. I guess I just wistfully wish it were with me. But it's not, and I realize the reality of that, and when it comes right down to it I'm ok with it all. Trust me when I tell you I spend a lot of time trying to figure out my marriage. I've worked very hard to keep it afloat for many years, all by myself. Read up on my post from last year, not a whole lot has changed (and yet tons has at the same time...jeez...):

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t232429/

 

I just wish I knew how to get this old flame out of my mind. I'm pretty good about leaving him alone, I don't text him every day or bug him all the time, but after some time passes he'll inevitably pop up to ask how I'm doing and there's no way I can ignore it. Ugh. Whatever. Thanks for responding, I just need to get over it....

 

I disagree with the bold. You are not being respectful. You chose to insert yourself back into his life. YOU are holding onto feelings from 10+ years ago. Your marriage is so unhappy you are willing/wanting to go back to feelings from when you were a kid. He isn't the same person anymore and neither are you.

 

Plus, when you are focusing on memories and you seem to not remember the bad times, you end up taking out your frustration on your current partner. You are transferring your fantasy feelings to disgust to your H. While your H may not be Mr. Wonderful, you aren't innocent in the fact that you claim that even when MARRYING him you were thinking of a teenage love. That is just wrong

 

You have to stop reliving past memories and realize that is GONE. You can continue to try to say "fate" is making you reach out to him, but that isn't true.

 

Two things:

 

I am NOT hoping an affair will start, because just these texts are complicating things enough. A full on PA would make me insane. If just sending that first text made me want to throw up, I can only imagine what the guilt of a PA would do to me. I have no intention on cheating on my husband, I realize it doesn't solve anything and only adds to the mess.

 

Also, while I understand you're point that I reached out to him initially, and perhaps it was selfish of me on some level, I do not feel that I am in any way taking advantage of him during his sad situation. It's most certainly a very private family matter, which is partly why I had such a hard time deciding whether or not to contact him at first, and it's not something any mutual friends would have brought to my attention. In fact, Jay and I don't even speak on the topic. I've told him I'll listen if he needs to talk, but it's too painful so we don't go there.

 

At any rate, I know I'm being an idiot. I'm creating drama when I'm craving calm. In this particular situation, though, I just don't know how to stop it. Thanks for your input, even though it stings a little.

 

You have already started an affair. If your H and his partner do NOT know of this rekindled "friendship", if you are HIDING it, then you are being unfaithful. You know this already though, but you are trying to justify your actions.

 

You stop it by not acting on your feelings.

 

Your feelings are just that...FEELINGS. They will pass.

 

You have assigned importance to these feelings that makes them seem bigger than they really are.

 

You can control feelings by thinking about other things, keeping yourself busy, etc. Feeling unable to control your feelings is a sign of immaturity.

 

Think about a toddler in a store. He really wants a toy that he sees, but his mom says no. At that moment, he wants the toy SO BAD that his feelings overwhelm him. He throws a temper tantrum because he has not yet learned to control his feelings. As a parent, we can use various techniques, such as distraction, to calm him down and teach him that his feelings ARE MANAGEABLE. The feelings that overwhelm him, WILL PASS.

 

You are like the toddler that wants the toy, and these "love" feelings are overwhelming you right now.

 

You don't have a parent around to distract, so it's up to you to distract yourself until these feelings pass.

 

Assigning importance to those feelings, when you know logically that they are not healthy for anyone, is selfish and immature.

 

Excellent point and analogy.

 

OP, I was a married woman with a small child when I divorced my first H. There was no infidelity; I just realized the marriage was dead and I wanted out.

 

It was hard, it was hard, IT WAS HARD; but ultimately, it was for the best! That was 16 years ago and I have never regretted it for a second. I just don't get this "shame" people like to throw around about pretending to have a marriage "for the kids" when there is no true relationship. You think it is better for your child to grow up thinking the way you and his dad interact is "normal" or what people who love each other do/say/act? He will grow up thinking what you call a marriage IS a marriage. It is very damaging to your child. It is much better for your son to see both his parents HAPPY - apart but HAPPY. That is the greatest gift you can give your son - honest, true feelings - single or married. If you stay "for your child" then you are teaching him how HE should treat a future wife and how he should be treated by his wife. Is that what you really want?

 

I bet not.

[findingnemo]

You stop it by not acting on your feelings.

 

Your feelings are just that...FEELINGS. They will pass.

 

You have assigned importance to these feelings that makes them seem bigger than they really are.

 

You can control feelings by thinking about other things, keeping yourself busy, etc. Feeling unable to control your feelings is a sign of immaturity.

 

Think about a toddler in a store. He really wants a toy that he sees, but his mom says no. At that moment, he wants the toy SO BAD that his feelings overwhelm him. He throws a temper tantrum because he has not yet learned to control his feelings. As a parent, we can use various techniques, such as distraction, to calm him down and teach him that his feelings ARE MANAGEABLE. The feelings that overwhelm him, WILL PASS.

 

You are like the toddler that wants the toy, and these "love" feelings are overwhelming you right now.

 

You don't have a parent around to distract, so it's up to you to distract yourself until these feelings pass.

 

Assigning importance to those feelings, when you know logically that they are not healthy for anyone, is selfish and immature.

 

When I read the statements in bold, I wish that this were actually true. In my case, I have done everything possible to NOT act on my feelings. I lost the man I love. I have done everything I could to do the right things. I was ready to live in a loveless marriage rather than continue being unfulfilled.

 

Nutmeg, you need to first deal with your marriage before you get involved with Jay. I do not think that you should try to stop loving Jay. It is futile and self-defeating. You will drive yourself crazy trying. You do owe it to your H and your child to sort out your marriage issues one way or another. Just think about it as a priority and a R with Jay can always come later, if that is what you want.