Author beyondhope Posted February 12, 2011 Author Posted February 12, 2011 The woman is probably not involved in a national scandal. She probably shares the name of a woman in a national scandal, who pops up first in Google searches. No, she actually is. All of the news articles feature her name, photograph and other identifying information (not only does she have a unique name, but he's Facebook friends with her, so I was able to identify her through that). Then I went to OkC, where I met him, and using that identifying information I found her profile--who wants to bet they also met on the site? Anyway; to all speculative parties, we had never had a forthright talk about exclusivity, and in fact, this was a few weeks after I had returned from a vacation where we barely spoke. So he doesn't owe me anything either,I suppose, but I think it was extremely tactless to leave a used condom in plain view--though I still wonder if it was ours or theirs (if it was ours, then he left in plain view during the time she was over watching the movie; ew!). Although I don't think it's a good idea to post particulars about her on here, I will say that her involvement in the aforementioned scandal was pretty hilarious--it involved some ivy league cat fighting, sex, and backstabbing. So I think he's getting himself into a huge mess by sleeping with this girl, not to mention sleeping around behind her back.
Author beyondhope Posted February 12, 2011 Author Posted February 12, 2011 As an intellectual who's spent plenty of time around Ivy Leaguers and Ph.D. candidates in general, I am just cringing at what an a--clown this guy must be. Brilliant - sure...whatever. But also emotionally dishonest. I feel like you could give me a good dose of confidence right about now--I'm at the end of my undergraduate career, realizing I don't quite have what it takes to get into an Ivy graduate program, and Mr. A--clown totally rubbed his Ivy League status in my face (e.g.--"my program produces THE BEST biologists in the WORLD"). Not to mention the other woman was also a prestigious Ivy League grad. I've been giving myself grief by telling myself he slept with her because I am not [as of yet] a cardholding member of the academic elite. It's an impossible standard to hold myself to, and I've been feeling pretty crappy since this happened.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 I feel like you could give me a good dose of confidence right about now--I'm at the end of my undergraduate career, realizing I don't quite have what it takes to get into an Ivy graduate program, and Mr. A--clown totally rubbed his Ivy League status in my face (e.g.--"my program produces THE BEST biologists in the WOLD"). Not to mention the other woman was also a prestigious Ivy League grad. I've been giving myself grief by telling myself he slept with her because I am not [as of yet] a cardholding member of the academic elite. It's an impossible standard to hold myself to, and I've been feeling pretty crappy since this happened. Oh, some Ivy Leaguers are pompous airheads buried in student loans.
Author beyondhope Posted February 12, 2011 Author Posted February 12, 2011 He's not--in fact, we have eerily similar backgrounds: both kicked out on the streets during high school, went to community college, worked our way through undergrad. He truly is a super-genius, though he couldn't remember my birthday or how many siblings I have (an affect of too many women or poor memory, I don't know)! It sickens me to think, if he really was as pompous an ass as he's turning out to be, that he had the cut-above to get into an Ivy, whereas I'll likely be at a second-tier graduate school (and I'm NOT pompous, or a womanizer!).
Ms. Joolie Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 "Maybe it's my imagination.After all, I'm not renowned for being an empath--someone once snidely accused me of being autistic.Still, I had a distinct impression on Sunday that you were unhappy when you left, and I hadn't had that impression earlier in the afternoon. You don't owe me anything, of course--you will feel what you will feel. But if you'd deign to address my mystification, well, I'd be grateful. Did I say something?Do something? I hope I hear from you." Some possible responses to consider: RESPONSE #1: Plain, vanilla, safe Well, I came over to your apartment and noticed a woman's jacket on the couch, and a Netflix cover with a woman's name/address next to your computer. I went to the bathroom and saw a used condom lying on top of the trash. I decided to leave abruptly. So my question is, naturally, did you do something ? RESPONSE #2: Horny, fun, wrong Oh, baby, I was so turned on by what I saw at your apartment the other day. It's like you had thrown your jacket over the chair and you were just waiting naked for me to come to you. You also had one of my favorite movies available. And when I saw you didn't throw our last condom we had used away, oh baby, I left so you just didn't have to see my hornyness. RESPONSE #3: Angry, helpless, hopeful YOU A**HOLE! WTF? You broke my heart!!! I KNOW you were with another women, you no good SOB! Don't you freaking dare try to cover up what you did, because I know!!! I know!!! Don't you know I have a romantic dinner for two in Puerto Vallarta for us?? RESPONSE #4: Coping, depressed, idiot I guess you forgot that I was going to show up that day. I guess you're dumping me. I guess I deserved it. Or maybe I'm just out of your league. Or maybe you did find real love, but they will eventually find out what a no good man whore you are. Yeah. Go f*** yourself. And maybe one day we'll be friends.
Author beyondhope Posted February 13, 2011 Author Posted February 13, 2011 Some possible responses to consider: RESPONSE #1: Plain, vanilla, safe Well, I came over to your apartment and noticed a woman's jacket on the couch, and a Netflix cover with a woman's name/address next to your computer. I went to the bathroom and saw a used condom lying on top of the trash. I decided to leave abruptly. So my question is, naturally, did you do something ? RESPONSE #2: Horny, fun, wrong Oh, baby, I was so turned on by what I saw at your apartment the other day. It's like you had thrown your jacket over the chair and you were just waiting naked for me to come to you. You also had one of my favorite movies available. And when I saw you didn't throw our last condom we had used away, oh baby, I left so you just didn't have to see my hornyness. RESPONSE #3: Angry, helpless, hopeful YOU A**HOLE! WTF? You broke my heart!!! I KNOW you were with another women, you no good SOB! Don't you freaking dare try to cover up what you did, because I know!!! I know!!! Don't you know I have a romantic dinner for two in Puerto Vallarta for us?? RESPONSE #4: Coping, depressed, idiot I guess you forgot that I was going to show up that day. I guess you're dumping me. I guess I deserved it. Or maybe I'm just out of your league. Or maybe you did find real love, but they will eventually find out what a no good man whore you are. Yeah. Go f*** yourself. And maybe one day we'll be friends. Hah, these are funny, though not very helpful I've decided, against my better judgement--because I believe we only live once, and I hate shutting even the worst people out of my life forever--to write him a note, and send him a book that I was going to send him before. In the note I will tell him that he was tactless, but his tactlessness made me realize that we were looking for different things. Then I will tell him that I did enjoy many aspects of his personality, and I wouldn't mind hearing from him every once in a while, so he should drop me a line if he feels so inclined; otherwise best of luck. That way we're not on the "outs", even though I agree that I don't really owe him an explanation :-p
dispatch3d Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Those responses are incredibly helpful. So on you haha! I really think a book+note is looking at this from the wrong point of view. Adults don't communicate in notes and emails. They communicate by calling and talking about things in plain speak, assuming the best possible outcome and being surprised if there are negatives (then handling the negatives as they come). What I hate about the note is that a passive-aggressive person will always default to a note or email. I remember the last guy i worked for was so passive aggressive it drove me nuts. And sure enough that guy wrote a LOT of emails haha. Because he just couldn't get it together enough to talk to someone in person. I wonder if that's what writing on forums does - breeds negative passive/aggressive behaviour and brooding on subjects for long periods of time. Humm interesting. Even now I could be doing something more productive - in fact anything would be more productive than what i'm doing. You are the most difficult person to get along with you have ever met. Remember that next time you are thinking someone else is being devious/deceitful/etc. etc. In actual fact you are probably the devious and deceitful one.
Gala Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Beyondhope - Good for you for getting yourself to a level of education that may open some different doors for you. Good for him, as well, but regardless - the kind of head----ing that you describe coming from him is just sick and wrong. I have seen it across many levels of academia, and it is at its worst when it is entwined in a personal relationship. Scholarly achievement has nothing to do with how someone treats others. And unfortunately, too many times I've seen it used as a way of avoiding intimacy and authentic communication. Funny - I was just thinking earlier this AM about someone with whom I was involved a while back...globetrotting intellectual, accomplished, attractive, great at networking...but had been abruptly left by his wife after a few years of marriage and a lot of emotional absence. The divorce shook him up so badly that I thought he might actually learn something from it, but he didn't seem to while I knew him. He was somewhat senior to me, and more accomplished. Unfortunately, that meant I gave him more credit than I should have. He is still darting around from one continent to another, and I'm sure he's still living mostly in his head. So many other stories occur to me as I think of this one...One benefit of living long enough to see some grey hair - a lot of experience of other people. At least some of the time, it makes for less uncertainty.
Author beyondhope Posted February 14, 2011 Author Posted February 14, 2011 Thanks Gala. I think this is great advice. I definitely fear being left out of those "inner circles" of academia and intellect, and I think my anxiety about hanging onto this specific person has a lot to do with that. But your story reminded me that it's not just about the education (or the institution); it's what you do with that gift of intellect/education--some people squander it on their own ego, while others give back through writing, lecture, teaching, volunteerism, etc. The contribution is what really matters. I think his ego will unfortunately shield him from ever contributing to society--his studies may be fruitful, but they will only benefit his own end. So I'll continue on my less glamorous, but more fulfilled path and let this one go.
Gala Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 I cannot overemphasize the importance of being comfortable and grounded in one's private life, regardless of career. Another story from academe - a few years ago, a professor I knew was murdered in his own home by a younger guy with whom he had a "casual" relationship of some kind. The prof was brilliant, a lovely giving person, a great teacher, and very respected intellectually. But he had never truly figured out how to integrate his sexual identity into his academic life...and apparently his personal life was always a wreck. The murderer was caught with the victim's CAR, for God's sake. This tragedy took a lot out of everyone who'd known the professor. It was just such a waste. The perp was arrested and convicted, and -- oddly -- died in prison right around Christmas one year. So a very dramatic story. The takeaway, though, is that it is easy to lose or disown parts of oneself in the scholarly world. Especially when the stakes are high.
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