beyondhope Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I'm not going to give you the context, because I just want to hear straight up first impressions. Tell me if you'd reply, or how you'd respond if you got a message like this: "Maybe it's my imagination.After all, I'm not renowned for being an empath--someone once snidely accused me of being autistic.Still, I had a distinct impression on Sunday that you were unhappy when you left, and I hadn't had that impression earlier in the afternoon. You don't owe me anything, of course--you will feel what you will feel. But if you'd deign to address my mystification, well, I'd be grateful. Did I say something?Do something? I hope I hear from you."
Nexus One Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I would give that person the clarification he/she asks for. It's obviously bothering him/her that you possibly left unhappily. It possibly stems from insecurity, but might as well have been asked to get some closure and clarification.
Titania22 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 OP I think someone likes you. My response would depend on how I felt about them, and also if I had been upset or not on the Sunday. I would probably reply to the person honestly, unless they were creepy or stalkerish, in which case I would avoid them.
Author beyondhope Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 Context: Someone I'd been "dating" for four months. Came over to his apartment and noticed a woman's jacket on the couch, a Netflix cover with a woman's name and address next to his computer (set up for watching movies). Went to the bathroom and saw a used condom lying on top of the trash (though there's a slim chance it's one we had used the week prior--but most people don't leave dirty condoms lying in plain sight for a whole week!!). Abruptly left. He sent this five days later. Maybe the condom was ours, maybe he borrowed a DVD from her, maybe the jacket on the couch was actually his (it looked like a woman's though, and I'd never seen it before). Maybe he really is clueless about what upset me. Doubt it though! By the way, I googled her name; she was involved in a "national scandal".
xpaperxcutx Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 It took him a week to inquire you about being " upset" with him? Oh geez, no response need apply.
Author beyondhope Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 My question is, is this message snide and insensitive, or does he deserve a response after all?
Author beyondhope Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 Hah, but papercut-- he admits to not being an empath (in fact, heck, maybe he is autistic) so he has a valid excuse for not contacting me for five days, right? Hah, hah, hah.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Hah, but papercut-- he admits to not being an empath (in fact, heck, maybe he is autistic) so he has a valid excuse for not contacting me for five days, right? Hah, hah, hah. Really? Now that's a good excuse. Can I borrow that in case I ever decide to wait a week to get back at someone?
Duckduckgoose Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I think the message is a bit wordy, unless the fellow is extremely intelligent. If I was typing that message using the language he did its like I was on a high horse or something. Its not condescending but it's close. I am pretty intelligent and I don't address people I am intimate with like that... it's almost businesslike? I read the context... and decided if he was so intelligent to type a message out like that, he should have been smart enough to toss the condom and hide the rest of the evidence.
Author beyondhope Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 yeah he's a little ivy science phd candidate. i think the whole not being an empath/autistic thing isn't too far-fetched; he probably has an iq over 140. to his benefit, there was a gigantic blizzard that swept through that might have prevented access to the internet (he doesn't get internet at home) but he could have called. and though he's about as dense as a rock when it comes to emotions, i could totally see him being a happy-go-lucky bachelor, having been accepted to one of the top schools in the country and all. nothing turns a woman on like intelligence.
creighton0123 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Cut loose. Unless this woman was a known friend, you not only saw one sign, you saw four (condom, netflix, jacket, five days before he contacted you). I'm an intelligent young man. One lesson that I've learned in life is that when something sounds like a lie, it's a lie. You wrote "Maybe he borrowed the DVD. Maybe it was his jacket. Maybe his internet went out and he couldn't talk to me. Maybe it was our condom." That's quite a few maybe's enough for all of them to be true. Maybe... when there are too many maybe's the most simple answer is usually true. We know this: 1. There was a blizzard? Why would she leave her jacket AND the DVD? Sounds like he's just hanging out with a neighbor (Assume the simple answer is always the true one). 2. The condom? Guys are lazy. Trust that it's the one you two used (props for using condoms :-) ). 3. Ask him about it. Have a non-judgmental talk about monogamy and where both of you are in the relationship or decide that you're not interested and move on. Give him an answer, either way. 4. Keep a casual, but non-paranoid eye out for red flags if you decide to stay with him.
Jazzari Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I think he was sincere and I would answer him calmly and give him a chance to explain. He said that "you don't owe me anything". Are you in an exclusive relationship?
oaks Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I'm not going to give you the context, because I just want to hear straight up first impressions. Tell me if you'd reply, or how you'd respond if you got a message like this: First impression: whoever sent the message wants to hear from you. It sounds like there might have been a misunderstanding, and those usually need conversations to resolve which means a phone call or a face-to-face chat rather than a series of text messages. So if you care about seeing the person again then call rather than text. Having read the rest of the thread... not sure if you think/thought you're in an exclusive relationship with this guy (he says you don't owe him anything, and you used speech marks when saying you are "dating" him) and I think the way to respond to this may depend on the nature of the relationship (or the nature of the relationship you want it to be). Do you want to see him again?
phineas Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Who leaves their jacket at a mans house during winter? A woman marking her territory. I recently had a woman leave her pants on my couch (she changed into jeans at my house) She then later jokingly accused me of having a GF. Twice. I think she left her pants on purpose. I'd say it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why you left this guys house. He knows what is going on. If you guys were exclusive then ignore him.
Author beyondhope Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 So.... If it was such an "obvious" thing, why did he send this message? Do you think it was to rub it in my face, or because he doesn't realize I was upset by this, or do you think he genuinely cares about my feelings?
daphne Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 So.... If it was such an "obvious" thing, why did he send this message? Do you think it was to rub it in my face, or because he doesn't realize I was upset by this, or do you think he genuinely cares about my feelings? If he genuinely cared about your feelings, I guarantee he wouldn't have left that stuff laying around. Or better still, there wouldn't be any stuff to have to hide. He's calling now because he's trying damage control a little late. Uh oh, maybe she wants to dump me. He doesn't want you to.
O'Malley Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 (edited) It took him a week to inquire you about being " upset" with him? Oh geez, no response need apply. Yep, belated damage control. Was he aware that you were coming by beforehand? If it was such an "obvious" thing, why did he send this message? Do you think it was to rub it in my face, or because he doesn't realize I was upset by this, or do you think he genuinely cares about my feelings Probably an attempt to gaslight you after the fact, to see if he can salvage anything. If he really was curious about you being upset, he would have contacted you a day or two later, not waited five days to do so. He's not displaying much of an investment into your relationship (dating? fwb?). Edited February 11, 2011 by O'Malley
westrock Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Abruptly left. So.... If it was such an "obvious" thing, why did he send this message? Do you think it was to rub it in my face, or because he doesn't realize I was upset by this, or do you think he genuinely cares about my feelings? There seems to be a lack of communication here on both sides. I can understand why you would be upset, but it seems you just jumped to conclusions without even asking him what is going on. Your conclusions may be right, but then again maybe he does have an explanation. Who knows. He may be clueless that you were upset, but he's not a mind reader and now you also are struggling to make sense of his message. There's really only one way to get to the bottom of this and that is to communicate with him.
carhill Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 My first impression, as someone who's had a number of relationships and was married, is do people really talk like this in an intimate relationship?
xpaperxcutx Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 There seems to be a lack of communication here on both sides. I can understand why you would be upset, but it seems you just jumped to conclusions without even asking him what is going on. Your conclusions may be right, but then again maybe he does have an explanation. Who knows. He may be clueless that you were upset, but he's not a mind reader and now you also are struggling to make sense of his message. There's really only one way to get to the bottom of this and that is to communicate with him. How would miscommunication explain the used condom she saw? Yeah, he " accidently" ripped open a condom and used it on himself.
westrock Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 How would miscommunication explain the used condom she saw? Yeah, he " accidently" ripped open a condom and used it on himself. I was just going by what she said: Went to the bathroom and saw a used condom lying on top of the trash (though there's a slim chance it's one we had used the week prior--but most people don't leave dirty condoms lying in plain sight for a whole week!!). Abruptly left. He sent this five days later. Maybe the condom was ours, maybe he borrowed a DVD from her, maybe the jacket on the couch was actually his (it looked like a woman's though, and I'd never seen it before). Maybe he really is clueless about what upset me. Doubt it though! Maybe the OP was being sarcastic in her comments, IDK, I wasn't there. Point I'm trying to make is that when one makes observations like the OP has made, she has every right to ask him to explain what's going on. It doesn't sound like OP has done that. She should ask him about it so that she has clarity and also to avoid any possible misunderstanding on both sides. I understand wanting to abruptly leave under those circumstances, but I also know that obtaining clarity from the other person, preferably at the time or even afterwards, is important too.
Cee Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 I actually think he's on the level. He left everything in plain view. And he didn't act shifty or suspicious. The woman is probably not involved in a national scandal. She probably shares the name of a woman in a national scandal, who pops up first in Google searches. To be honest, I'm not keen on this man's communication style. Hasn't he heard of the telephone? And five days? It sounds like he was waiting for you to call first. And I'd never date a guy who uses words like deign in a email to me. It's so frickin pompous to me. Couldn't he have written, "Hey what's up? Seems like I upset you the other day. Can we talk about it?" If your gut says this guy is important to you and that you trust him, call him and have a frank talk. And then decide what to do. If your gut tells you to cut your losses, then call him and break up with him.
dispatch3d Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 he sounds pretty analytical to me. Anyhow you gunna give him a chance to say something? I somehow think you aren't exclusive. Does he have roommates?
Gala Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 The e-mail strikes me as passive-aggressive and, yes, possibly ready to gaslight. I honestly don't know why a guy would leave a jacket on his couch if a woman had left it there -- unless on some level he wanted it to be seen. Ditto for the Netflix CD, et al. As an intellectual who's spent plenty of time around Ivy Leaguers and Ph.D. candidates in general, I am just cringing at what an a--clown this guy must be. Brilliant - sure...whatever. But also emotionally dishonest. It sounds like you've never had a discussion about exclusivity, but that you're thinking about it...and that what you saw just set off your bells. A condom at the top of the trash would set off mine, too.
Eddie Edirol Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 So.... If it was such an "obvious" thing, why did he send this message? Do you think it was to rub it in my face, or because he doesn't realize I was upset by this, or do you think he genuinely cares about my feelings? Obnly you will kinow if he genuinely cares about your feelings, but why would he send the message? Same reason a woman says to her suspicious husband "Dont worry, hes just a friend"
Recommended Posts