Feeling raw and scared

[cloudstoday]

Hello all, so very new to the forum. My ex and I broke up about two weeks ago and only today did I finally admit that it happened. That it's real. I'm actually still in shock. I can't stop crying, or thinking about him. It's constant. I'm hoping by telling my story on here I can get some closure and feel like I'm going to get through this. Right now all I want to do I get in bed, pull all the covers around me and pretend the world doesn't exist. Everything is so hard. Everything hurts.

We had been dating for a year, and we got serious quickly, partly because he has a young son, which made getting serious unavoidable. We broke up because I needed someone who was comfortable hearing emotions and talking difficult situations out. I needed someone who understood that being in a relationship means doing your darndest to understand one another. I thought that someone was him. Until he suddenly told me he couldn't be. He didn't want to know how he felt or I felt. That it was all too much. That I was too much. That he hated these conversations about feelings, about what was going on for both of us. That he when he said he loved me it was in the spur of the moment, not because he truly feels that way. And so it ended. I was stunned. I felt like my heart had been ripped out right in front of me. I was totally and utterly rejected for trying to be myself. For trying to not pretend I was happy when I wasn't, for trying to explain why moving to his city was scary and have him understand. For just being me.

And now I'm alone. And I'm crying. And all I want is to call him and beg him to take me back, to stop this pain, because I can't stand it anymore. I can't stand feeling like this. It hurts so much. I never thought anything could hurt this much. And it's getting worse. I don't want it to be over. I want to wake up with him and fall asleep with him. I want to hold his hand walking down the street, look up over the dinner table to see him watching me, listen to him say softly how beautiful I look. How much he cares about me, how happy being with me makes him feel. I miss his warmth sleeping beside me. I miss his thick hair that never did what he wanted but always looked so good. I miss everything so much it's like something's physically missing from my body. And it's all gone. he's gone. He didn't want me enough to want to try. I wasn't good enough. I just want him to change his mind.

How do I get through this? How do I stop feeling so horribly sad? How do I make his missing presence less like a fist in my stomach?

My heart feels like it's broken in little tiny pieces.

[GreenPolicy]

You will get through this. I am not going to sugarcoat things, the next 3-4 months are going to be plenty rough. It's like withdrawing cold turkey from a drug. But you WILL get through it.

 

1) Get plenty of sleep, don't neglect your diet, take care of yourself physically.

 

2) Seek out your friends and family for support, and when they get burned out hearing about your breakup, post here.

 

3) Get a therapist.

 

4) Find something to get involved in, such as volunteering, meetup groups, start going to church if you're religious, etc.

 

5) Stay away from drugs/alcohol, it will only make things worse.

 

6) Go complete No Contact. You are choosing more pain in the short term, but it will cut your healing time down to a fraction of what it otherwise would be, and will help you be better off for the long term.

 

7. Don't play the What If game, it's not your fault.

 

8. Set aside a time each day to focus on your grief and the breakup, and do your best to stick to only that time.

 

9. Don't neglect your job or other obligations. Don't dig the hole any deeper than it already is.

 

10. Find new routines so that if for instance you had a regular Wednesday night date, you are not sitting at home thinking "This was our date night."

 

11. Get rid of all mementos, pictures, etc that remind you of him. Don't throw them away, just put them in a box out of sight.

 

12. Don't seek out information about him online or through others.

 

13. Go to the gym and exercise regularly. It will help.

 

14. Be patient. If your love was deep, it will take considerable time to get through it. I am at four months post breakup myself. I have pretty much followed all of the above to a tee and I'm only now starting to feel a little bit better. The excruciating pain that you are experiencing right now has been replaced by a dull ache. The wounded heart WILL heal with time, like it or not. You must be willing to feel the pain so that you heal in the right way, and not try to escape it through drugs/alcohol or a rebound relationship.

 

Take care of yourself. This is a process, and there are no quick fixes.

[reknown29]

I know its hard for you to see this now but you will be better off in the long run that this relationship ended. You will eventually realize this but for now I recommend you look at yourself. Read some self-help books. Find out where you went wrong in not seeing the relationship for what it was. We all say we were shocked on here when we were dropped, but we also say that we noticed some warning signs. Its usually something within us that wasnt right that caused us to not except that the relationship was indeed going sour or not as strong as we perceived.

 

In the beginning its good to cry it out. Maybe for 2-3 weeks sporatically but after that just move on. Dont have hopes of getting back together. It will only be dysfunctional. It could happen years down the road but having no closure makes it difficult to know what exactly went wrong. He could have his own issues such as having borderline personality disorder, etc. Either way, he left, the realtionship is dead. It hurts like hell but you WILL get past this!

 

Its been 4 months for me and I am not wanting to even see her. She texts me but I generally ignore them or give some vague answer. I do not want to see her at all. Anyone who causes someone they said they love as much pain as she did me, is not deserving of me. It took me some self esteem building to get here but I feel very solid about myself now and not ever getting back with this girl. It really will never be the same.

 

Also, AVOID any rebound relationships. Stay solo for a while. Go on dates, or dont, but dont jump into anything. Seriously look at yourself and use this as an opportunity to be stronger and learn what it is your really looking for, regarding life purpose, and then get it. Forget about close relationships for a little while. There is more to life than finding true love. If it even exists. It definitely doesnt seem to come when your looking for it.

 

We're born alone, We die alone. We can handle being alone in the middle.

[cloudstoday]

wow, thank you both so much for being so kind. The step by step list of how to keep going is exactly what I needed. I can't believe how painful it is, but I'm going to just keep getting up everyday and going to work, trying to take care of myself. I'm so glad I found this site, I think my friends and family are already getting sick of hearing how much it still hurts.

[z00m25]

At first it feels like the whole thing is so hopeless, but time really does heal everything. I did not believe this at first but I'm going on a month now and I already feel so much better. The worst is the thoughts right before bed I'm not sure how to get rid of those. But personally this is my 2nd time breaking up with this girl. I got over her once so i know ill be able to do it again and become stronger in the process. Keep positive and smile even if theres nothing to smile about.

[Graceful]

Clouds,

 

Listen, you did the right thing. I commend you for not side-stepping your own feelings when you tried to have serious conversations with your ex; many people (especially women) repress or avoid these conversations because they are afraid to rock the boat, they fear precisely what happened to you: the demise of the relationship.

 

As bad as this is, and I know it's hurting you tremendously, you got the answers, and you are better off knowing that he was not in it for the long haul the way you were.

 

He's got a young son. That probably means he has to deal with an ex (wife) regarding custody and child care. It probably means there are residuals from the breakup of that relationship. It probably means he has stress from some of that, too. Probably means he's not fully resolved. I'm not making excuses for him, by any means, I'm just saying what he should have been able to make more clear to you, perhaps sooner.

 

Sounds like he got very caught up in your relationship because you were getting along so well, and he found himself caring for you. He wanted to stay in the "honeymoon" phase, while you were ready to take things to the next level.

We had been dating for a year, and we got serious quickly, partly because he has a young son, which made getting serious unavoidable. We broke up because I needed someone who was comfortable hearing emotions and talking difficult situations out. I needed someone who understood that being in a relationship means doing your darndest to understand one another. I thought that someone was him. Until he suddenly told me he couldn't be. He didn't want to know how he felt or I felt. That it was all too much. That I was too much. That he hated these conversations about feelings, about what was going on for both of us. That he when he said he loved me it was in the spur of the moment, not because he truly feels that way.

I'm sure all of this crushed you, but again, it's just as well you found out now. He got way ahead of himself, and I don't think he had any idea that he'd end up hurting you the way he did.

 

But unfortunately, he did hurt you. So stay the course, implement NC and stick with it. Employ the strategies that will help you get the distance and space you need to gain your perspective. And ride it out.

 

And so it ended. I was stunned. I felt like my heart had been ripped out right in front of me. I was totally and utterly rejected for trying to be myself. For trying to not pretend I was happy when I wasn't, for trying to explain why moving to his city was scary and have him understand. For just being me.

As I said, I commend you for not pretending. I've seen too many people who wait, for years no less, to speak up about what they want and need. Then there is even more pain, more loss, and more of feeling of wasted time. You did the right thing, don't ever feel that you didn't.

 

It wasn't that you weren't good enough. It wasn't that you weren't lovable or wonderful. It was his inability to handle his feelings at this time, his inability to be more honest sooner, and sadly, this was at a cost to you.

 

Don't blame yourself one bit. Promise me you will stop being so hard on yourself, okay? Your priority is to take care of yourself. Take care.

[cloudstoday]

Thank you for putting it like that. I was proud of myself at the time for speaking up for myself when he just assumed I'd drop everything in my life no questions asked, to move there. I have this small voice in the back of my mind telling me I did the right thing, that he couldn't be the person I needed him to be, but all the pain of rejection, and loneliness and the feelings of not being good enough tend to drown it out. I'm really struggling to hold on to the idea that I didn't do anything wrong. That I was doing my best, and that I deserve to be cared about for just being myself. But damn is it ever hard. Nothing has ever felt this hard. I've never been as completely honest with someone as I was with him, so this break up hurt so much more than past ones. I don't have the buffer of saying, 'he didn't really know me, it's not really me he's rejecting'. It was me he was rejecting. The other hard part is the missing him. This palpable sense of something constantly missing. The small reminders everywhere that I can no longer talk to him, see him or touch him. I had great news today and I immediately wanted to share it with him. Ouch.

I'm beginning to love this website though. I love that I can just spill out everything on here, no one will mind. And you are all so caring, I can't tell you how much easier it was today to come home a mess and read your caring responses. Today was hard, the actual two week mark since the break up, but I'm feeling so much calmer having written. Thank you.

[Nadine22]

You didn't compromize your feelings and needs and you were being true to yourself-be proud. I would much rather be rejected for standing up and asking for what I needed then denying my needs just to hold on a little longer. That doesn't work...I'm telling you now I've done it for 2 years!!!! I compromized...waited with little to no progress...and there is no power in that. You end up setteling for something way less then you deserve if you suppress your needs or are to afraid to ask the questions for fear of losing the other person. Honey...loose this guy and keep moving because you saved yourself more pain in the long run. He could't or didn't want to be there they way you needed and I doubt if you had held back or suppressed your needs that that would have changed anything. At best you would have had a man on the condition that you deny yourself and settle for less...