NJmrl15 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 After so many years of unhappiness, I decided to get a lawyer & end my 10 year marriage. we have 1 child. I haven't loved him in years. we are very distant, have nothing in common, more like roommates. I am a better and happier parent and person when he isn't around. He does sense I have pulled away more recently, has tried hugging me. Question is: how do I go about ending it? My friends have suggested talking to him before seeking a lawyer. LAst time i did that, he got weepy, and i felt so guilty i never brought it up again. My friend suggested counseling; but a counselor can maybe make u communicate better, but can't make you fall in love. I figured getting a lawyer to start the process and paying him....there's no backtracking. He's not violent, but I assume he won't be happy. I just want to handle it w/ dignity, not escalate into a fight. Any advice would be helpful.
BlindRage Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Its shocking to me how people after so long just don't have strong feelings for each other. You seem like you have made up your mind and well nothing will change it.
Albertan Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 My friends have suggested talking to him before seeking a lawyer. Follow your friends advice. Getting lawyers involved so early would suggest to me that you want to fight over everything. If you are sure this is what you really want and assuming there is not another man in the picture then be strong, be honest with your H and be resolute.
Duckduckgoose Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I would really try to save it... you don't "love" him anymore... love isn't just a feeling, it's a choice you have to make each day. What is so bad about him besides you just don't "love" him anymore? You've spent 10 years together, it can't just be that he's never been there and is a horrible person? Your first post is too vague.
robf1971 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 After so many years of unhappiness, I decided to get a lawyer & end my 10 year marriage. we have 1 child. I haven't loved him in years. we are very distant, have nothing in common, more like roommates. . Uh ohh, sounds like you have the hots for someone else... be honest it's an anonymous forum.
divorceguide Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I can't imagine your situation now. A 10 years relationship of unhappiness but how can you do that? may be both of you are also busy to your work or something.Divorce is always a bad news among married couples.If you want more help about divorce guide please try to click my signature.
willowthewisp Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I would really try to save it... you don't "love" him anymore... love isn't just a feeling, it's a choice you have to make each day. What is so bad about him besides you just don't "love" him anymore? You've spent 10 years together, it can't just be that he's never been there and is a horrible person? Your first post is too vague. I agree. Clearly your H doesn't even know there is a problem in your marriage, as you said he tried to hug you and gets upset and tearful when you have mentioned seperating before. What I mean is, he obviously still loves you very much. I'm going to be harsh, please bear with me. This isn't just your decision to make, you made a commitment to this man and you did that willing because you loved him. If he has not had the opportunity to work on things with you then it is not right to just leave him. I had that done to me, my ex of nearly 20 years even told me he had kept his unhappiness a secret from on purpose! I can tell you, you cannot imagine the pain inflicted when someone does this to you. Now you are saying you don't love him and MC can't make you love him. I would ask you to try and remember why you married him in the first place and how you once felt. Whilst counselling can't MAKE you love someone it can rekindle that love if you allow yourself to go to counselling with an open mind and a commitment to at least try. Look at it objectively, you can work on what you have and probably get back what you once had and be in love and happy again or you can get out on the dating scene. I'm on the dating scene and I can tell you it is NOT a great place to be, slim pickins, lots of game playing, lots of hurt and rejection. Is that what you want? Or would you rather have someone who loves you more than anything in the world? Because, you already have that, your H and if you are willing to try you may be happy again. I hope you at least consider my advice, I really felt I had to write it for both your benefits and that of your child, I am in the midst of 9 really intense postgrad exams right now, I come on LS during my meal breaks to read, I barely have time to shower right now and yet I felt compelled to write you whilst eating a bagel with the other hand! Why? Because I know the hurt and I know the hurt of the spouse who leaves as well because in all liklihood you will back on this forum in a year or two from now regreting your decision as many before you have been. Ask yourself, what do you have to lose? If MC doesn't help/work then you leave, you're going to do that anyway so it's just a few more months. Of course, if there is another man involved???????????????????? Sorry, but it's all too frequent on here so I had to ask.
Author NJmrl15 Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 I wanted to leave almost 8 years ago....then got pregnant that month, so I stayed, thinking it would improve. It hasn't. Even pregnant, I felt alone. He only went to 2 dr appointments w/ me, when i had to go to the ER and called him, he said keep him posted but never went. My family was so angry about that, and I made excuses that he worked late & his boss wouldn't let him out. To make matters worse, the next day was my grandmother's funeral. He said company policy prevented him from going, so I said fine. I came back home before our family dinner to get something, and surprised him - he took the day off, bought a new video game! said he didn't feel like going with me. When I recently went thru Grad school, he griped that I came home late, was always studying. I almost quit - my dad had to intervene, tell him I was bettering myself for our future, better job...then he calmed down & stepped up to taking on more parenting responsibilities. The day I graduated, everyone went so nicely dressed - except him. He went in a windbreaker, worn out jeans & sneakers. I asked him to dress up nicer (not a suit, maybe khaki's) and he replied it wasn't a special occassion! He even asked me what my degree was in - are you kidding?! But for his friend's bachelor party, he got all dolled up. As you can see, when I needed him the most, he chose not to be there or just be there physically - but not emotionally. I do a lot w/ our child. Take her into the city for new experiences, ballet, shows, play dates, etc. He never wants to go, always says "next time". My dad takes his place instead b/c he feels bad for me. LAst year I wanted to take our child overseas to meet my family & give her a surprise b'day party, i hoped he would go. Again, "next time". This was her 1st big trip, 1st time on a plane, she'd have a big party - I can't believe he would not want to go! He just prefers to sit around, watch tv or play games. He complains about work, how the company is changing & he may be out of a job due to lack of education...but the company offers tons of educational reimbursement & on-site classes. He brings up going....then drops it b/c he says he doesnt fell like it, doesnt know what he wants. I am tired of this. And there is no one else. I just got tired feeling so alone, so burdened. And the past few months he mocked me, saying I looked old, too much sun damage, etc. - even got my child to join him in mocking me. I got so self-conscious. So in the fall i started to watch my weight, eat better, take better care of myself, and I felt better. Then he said I was doing this to land someone else. Damned if i do, damned if i don't. But I do this for me. It's not just being out of love w/ him. I resent him, for always saying he would do things w/ us "one day", saying he'd better himself career-wise, spend less time gaming, etc. He lacks respect for my stuff, leaving them on the ground when he drops it, saying "oh well" sarcastically. I've gone from crying myself to sleep, to feeling animosity, numb sometimes. I've brought up separting in the past....says he will change...that lasts @ a month...then the same old routine.
marqueemoon4 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 don't "demand" at this point... ask. see what kind of response you get and go from there. and don't get ahead of yourself, separation first.
What_Next Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Your mind is made up, as much as it pains me to say it, consult a lawyer and move on. If you really haven't then try your best to talk with him. If he won't listen (that is likely), suggest a seperation. One of you should move out for a while and see what happens. For heavens sakes DO NOT get involved with anyone else (I am NOT accusing you, just telling you don't). Good luck.
Duckduckgoose Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 He might come around if ya'll separate. I am not saying he's 100% perfect, but think of what you could have done differently in the R too. MC is a very good idea. You should try everything to save a marriage, especially with a child involved! If MC doesn't work, then you will be able to leave with your head held high, knowing you tried everything. You should especially do MC so your daughter can see that even if you do divorce, that its not a light matter and you did everything you could. She will take away a better lesson from that into her future when she starts dating and gets married.
Author NJmrl15 Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 I thank you for your heartfelt advice. Believe me, i am dreading discussing this, because I can only imagine the hurt and anger that will result from this. There is no other guy. I don't even want to think about dating! I don't have an interest in finding someone else, because my daughter will always come first. I'm also pretty independent, like not having someone ask when i;m coming home, where will i be, etc. I usually go off by myself for walks (like the alone time) or take my daughter places for new experiences. Plus, dating was always a minefield when i was young and single - i truly believe how you describe it is true, especialy when you are divorced with a child. The day I married i felt it wasn't right, but I did it anyway. I felt I promised to marry him, I couldnt let him or my family down, we dated fort years, I stuck with him through his medical issues/surgeries. I know - that was no excuse, and I was wrong to do it. I thought time would improve my feelings for him, but they haven't. I just feel like i have been living a lie for years, and denying myself fulfillment. I agree. Clearly your H doesn't even know there is a problem in your marriage, as you said he tried to hug you and gets upset and tearful when you have mentioned seperating before. What I mean is, he obviously still loves you very much. I'm going to be harsh, please bear with me. This isn't just your decision to make, you made a commitment to this man and you did that willing because you loved him. If he has not had the opportunity to work on things with you then it is not right to just leave him. I had that done to me, my ex of nearly 20 years even told me he had kept his unhappiness a secret from on purpose! I can tell you, you cannot imagine the pain inflicted when someone does this to you. Now you are saying you don't love him and MC can't make you love him. I would ask you to try and remember why you married him in the first place and how you once felt. Whilst counselling can't MAKE you love someone it can rekindle that love if you allow yourself to go to counselling with an open mind and a commitment to at least try. Look at it objectively, you can work on what you have and probably get back what you once had and be in love and happy again or you can get out on the dating scene. I'm on the dating scene and I can tell you it is NOT a great place to be, slim pickins, lots of game playing, lots of hurt and rejection. Is that what you want? Or would you rather have someone who loves you more than anything in the world? Because, you already have that, your H and if you are willing to try you may be happy again. I hope you at least consider my advice, I really felt I had to write it for both your benefits and that of your child, I am in the midst of 9 really intense postgrad exams right now, I come on LS during my meal breaks to read, I barely have time to shower right now and yet I felt compelled to write you whilst eating a bagel with the other hand! Why? Because I know the hurt and I know the hurt of the spouse who leaves as well because in all liklihood you will back on this forum in a year or two from now regreting your decision as many before you have been. Ask yourself, what do you have to lose? If MC doesn't help/work then you leave, you're going to do that anyway so it's just a few more months. Of course, if there is another man involved???????????????????? Sorry, but it's all too frequent on here so I had to ask.
Author NJmrl15 Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 There's no way I'd get involved with someone else now. My life is complicated enough, and I need to set an example for my child too. No one will ever love her as much as her parents do, and even if Prince Charming came along, I have to remember that. Plus another person would really cause harsh feelings & animosity with my H. I do want to give him dignity. seeking another guy would be crass of me to do. It's not even about wanting to find someone else now. I would like to go to places I enjoy, make new friends, reconnect with ones that lost contact w/ me because my H never wanted to go out, and most importantly, be stimulated intellectually and socially. My sister got divorced at the age I am now, with a teenage child. she immediately hit the nightclub scenes, started sleeping around w/ married "sugar Daddies". she wanted guys to spoil her, wanted to appear she had money so went into debt, and ruined a greaty guy financially b/c she demanded more. I never understood that! 15 years later she is alone. Her daughter, now an adult, says she won't leave he mom b/c shge feels bad that she's alone. That's an awful burden for a child, and one i dont care to inflict.
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