my life is a mess and i don't know who to talk to

[whereigoijustdontkno]

I just stumbled across this website and there seems to be alot of people w/ varying experiences that are willing to offer advice and a shoulder to lean on, which i could really use right now. I don't know who to talk to. Most of my close friends know bits and peices but no one knows the whole story.

 

I met my husband whom I never legally married but have a 3 yo old with and have been with for 13 years- when I was 18. We moved in with each other within two weeks. He told me he loved me pretty much right away. He gets attached really easy. I fell for him bc he was a good, honest guy. I always went for bad boy types before him and was tired of being burned. I love him deeply, but the physical attraction on my end seemed to fade pretty quickly. I stuck it out for all these years bc he's so good to me and I really do love him. I just got to the point where I cannot have sex with him anymore. There is NO chemistry on my end AT ALL. We have alot in common, but we have a lot of differences too. I feel like he doesn't inspire me. He is comfortable w/ being stagnant. We seem to want different things out of life.

 

Anyway, I eventually couldn't stand it anymore and ended up having an affair w/ a married man that I work with. He is very unhappy in his marriage. They were in the talks of getting a divorce when he and i started things up. I felt physical attraction more intense than anything I've ever felt before. So very intense. He started telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me, ect. We talked ALL THE TIME. EVery night, all day ever day, ect.

 

Then I felt too guilty and confused to continue on w/ my relationship. At the same time, apparently, the OM and his wife were backing off the divorce proceedings. I knew he wouldn't ever voluntarily leave her. He has too much riding on her. Insurance, finances, child, ect. ect. I didn't ever expect him to leave her, honestly. I knew he was too cowardly to walk away. But I continued to follow through with leaving my relationship. I am now in my own apt going on three weeks.

 

In this three weeks, OM has completely blown me off. He went from "I love you" to not even talking to me. It's been VERY PAINFUL. While I didn't want him to be mine, I just wanted to continue the way things were..with daily communication and seeing each other when we could. I guess I just wanted the distraction until I learned how to be alone. But for some reason he has backed off and won't tell me why. We started seeing each other in early Nov. I don't know how he just turned it off. I know how intense it was and I know we shared those feelings. I also know that what I did was wrong and karma's a bitch and I'm probably getting everything I deserve right now....so no need to remind me of that.

 

I am now totally miserable. I am lonely, lost, confused. Unable to be a good mother to my son bc I can barely function. I keep making a fool of myself trying to contact OM and demand an explanation. He refuses to completely break it off, but he has pretty much cut me off. I just want closure. I want him to say that he has feelings for me but must stop seeing me for whatever reason....at the very least...kwim? Just some honesty, instead of being a coward and trying to escape the situation.

 

I don't know what to do with my life now. I really just want to go back to my comfort zone and try to work things out w/ my son's father, but I don't know if I can live w/ the fact that I will never want to have sex w/ my life partner. It's as simple as that...I am not sexually attracted to him.

 

Ok...this is long enough for now.

[NJmrl15]

So sorry to hear @ your dilemma.

Mine is very similar. I'm with my husband @ 14 years, married 10, w/ 1 child. I havent been in love w/ him for years. he is also "stagnant", has no motivation, ambition. at 1st the differences didn't matter. But as time went on it's made me resent him. We are very different people. I've given up going out, seeing old friends, etc, because he never wanted to do those things.

he says he loves me, but honestly I dont see how he can. i show he no affection, stay on my own a lot, etc. for years i havent even wanted sex..he was lucky to get it 3x a year. I thought it was me, that i had some aversion to it during these years. I even gave up on looking nice, looking feminine. I accepted the fact that I would be trapped forever in a loveless marriage.

However, an Ex reconnected with me, and we had an affair. no emotions, and he knows that my family life is off-limits. Ive known years ago, was always so kind...but I also wanted the "bad boy" and kept dumping him. now he's given me a shoulder to lean on. he made me feel feminine again, to where i started dressing like a girl again!

But it's so conflicting. I decided to get a lawyer & go for either legal separation or divorce.

You owe it to yourself to be happy, and as a mom you need that. My suggestion is try & forget about the OM...looks like he was taking advantage of you. However, through that pain you learned that you have the capacity to love again. Look into a separation or divorce. It was the hardest step i took...but once i decided to do it (instead of talking about it for years), i felt a weight lifted off of me. I know I have tough times ahead, but it was the decent thing to do. If you dont love him, then he deserves to find someone who does want to be with him in a way that you can't. you deserve the same.

[Shocking Pink]

I'm pretty sure this guy got caught! His wife has asked to stop contact with you. He might not have wanted to do it, but there's nothing you can do about it now. I know your heart is hurting, but try to keep on being the good mother that you are! Time heals all wounds, but you don't want to wake up one day feeling better and realise you missed a big chunk of your sons life!

[bentnotbroken]

Tell your son's father. Move on and deal with you. Cheating is no way to deal with your life's issues. Because of these choices the person who should be most important in your life, your child, is not getting the best of you. Is that fair to him? Or to the MM family? Or to you? Move on.

[Shocking Pink]

I totally agree about her son, but why does she have to tell his father? She already left him and is living in her own apt?

[whereigoijustdontkno]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Shocking Pink- He has denied that he got caught. If he did get caught why didn't she move forward with the divorce proceedings that were already in place, I wonder. I think that she told him she wanted to work things out and he won't admit it to me bc he needs her.

 

BentnotBroken- I KNOW cheating is NOT the answer to anything. Believe me, I feel like the most horrible person ever right now. I don't think telling my sons father about the OM is the answer though bc I've been honest about WHY I left...no phys. attr....and he has had plenty of red flags but he won't flat out ask me if I've cheated..as a matter of fact he's said he doesn't want to know and will be there for me if and when I'm ready to come back.

 

I am not neglecting my child in any way, I just am not able to be me and give myself 100 percent bc I am so miserable and depressed right now.

 

NJmrl15- I wish you the best. I have been on my own for three weeks now and I feel miserable. I don't know if I should go back home and try to work past the A or just stick this out and perhaps start looking for Mr. Right in the future. My son's father loves me so much I don't think anyone could ever love anyone the way he does me. He tells me EVERY day after 13 years how beautiful I am and how special and amazing I am. He's just too good to me. He doesn't deserve this. I hate myself for putting him through this and I wish I could love him the same way back. I feel like he's a brother or BF rather than an intimate partner though. So confused.

[bentnotbroken]

I totally agree about her son, but why does she have to tell his father? She already left him and is living in her own apt?

 

 

I really just want to go back to my comfort zone and try to work things out w/ my son's father, but I don't know if I can live w/ the fact that I will never want to have sex w/ my life partner

 

This is why.

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Shocking Pink- He has denied that he got caught. If he did get caught why didn't she move forward with the divorce proceedings that were already in place, I wonder. I think that she told him she wanted to work things out and he won't admit it to me bc he needs her.

 

BentnotBroken- I KNOW cheating is NOT the answer to anything. Believe me, I feel like the most horrible person ever right now. I don't think telling my sons father about the OM is the answer though bc I've been honest about WHY I left...no phys. attr....and he has had plenty of red flags but he won't flat out ask me if I've cheated..as a matter of fact he's said he doesn't want to know and will be there for me if and when I'm ready to come back.

 

I am not neglecting my child in any way, I just am not able to be me and give myself 100 percent bc I am so miserable and depressed right now.

 

NJmrl15- I wish you the best. I have been on my own for three weeks now and I feel miserable. I don't know if I should go back home and try to work past the A or just stick this out and perhaps start looking for Mr. Right in the future. My son's father loves me so much I don't think anyone could ever love anyone the way he does me. He tells me EVERY day after 13 years how beautiful I am and how special and amazing I am. He's just too good to me. He doesn't deserve this. I hate myself for putting him through this and I wish I could love him the same way back. I feel like he's a brother or BF rather than an intimate partner though. So confused.

 

 

Of course you don't think it is the answer and I never said you were neglecting your child. My exact words were......

 

your child, is not getting the best of you.

 

And I know this how, been there done that. Depression not only robs the suffer of life but those around them.

[whereigoijustdontkno]

I know you didn't say I neglect my son, I just wanted to be clear on that w/ everyone. You are right about depression.

 

I still fail to see why I should tell him when he has specifically requested for me NOT to tell him if I've slept w/ someone else bc he can't bare the pain. He is willing to take me back and accept the fact that I MAY have slept w/ someone else, but doesn't want to be told about it. If he asked, I'd be honest.

 

I think the big question I have here is if I should even try to work on a relationship that I know I will not want to participate in sexually.

[Albertan]

I find it really odd that you describe your partner as "son's father".

 

As for your OM - my guess would be that the excitement has gone and you leaving your "sons father" made everything very real and probably less exciting. Once you made that jump then he had to make some decisions and probably never realistically thought about leaving his wife. While you were still with "sons father" he was safe in the knowledge that it was a fun fling.

[Albertan]

I think the big question I have here is if I should even try to work on a relationship that I know I will not want to participate in sexually.

 

No.

 

I would also say that if your husband doesn't care enough to want to know anything then how much does he really want to be in this relationship (why aren't you married?); it's just the "comfort zone".

[whereigoijustdontkno]

I suppose you are right about the OM. It's just hard for me to understand why he felt the need to say he loved me and all that BS. I never told him those things. He seemed genuinely hurt when I questioned him about that too. I don't know.

 

I am not sure why "son's father" is so odd to you. I just don't know what to refer to him as at this moment bc we aren't technically together, therefore not partners. We aren't married, so he's not my husband. I simply couldn't think of anything better to use. I'm open to suggestions.

[whereigoijustdontkno]

No.

 

I would also say that if your husband doesn't care enough to want to know anything then how much does he really want to be in this relationship (why aren't you married?); it's just the "comfort zone".

 

 

Trust me when I say that he really wants to be in this relationshiip. He is very attached and codependent on me. He also is very deeply in love and just doesn't want to have to think of me being intimate w/ someone else. I don't know why we never got married, honestly.

[Shocking Pink]

This is why.

 

Whoops, I missed that part.

OP, I would not go back to your sons dad just because he is your comfort zone! What is comfortable isn't always what's best for you, just look at comfort food. And you might never know what crawled up your MMs butt, either. Honestly I would just take this as the kick in the butt that you needed to jumpstart your life! The pain will fade and you will realize you are free and still young and have your whole life ahead of you!

[Shocking Pink]

Trust me when I say that he really wants to be in this relationshiip. He is very attached and codependent on me. He also is very deeply in love and just doesn't want to have to think of me being intimate w/ someone else. I don't know why we never got married, honestly.

 

I think maybe in the long run you would not be doing him any favors, though, going back to him. Right now he is afraid to be alone but he will realise how painful it is to not be loved back as hard as he loves.

[Eddie Edirol]

You cant go back to your comfort zone. It will take some time, probably not much time, but you just have to deal with the depression, and deal with the guilt of hurting your sons father, on your own. Going back into a non sexual relationship with him will just drag the situation out. let him get through losing you and find someone who will be attracted to him. Dont waste any more of his time, even though he wants it.

 

You have to take some time and wallow in your guilt and depression and be by yourself for a while until you can have a comfort zone on your own. If you go back with your husband, you will be miserable, and its not fair to him.

 

BTW your OM was able to cut you off so quickly because he was never as invested as you were. He gave you plenty of lip service. Happens constantly around here. If you didnt see any paperwork, he probably was never really getting a divorce. He told you and acted the way you needed to get what he wanted from you. You said you were burned by bad boy types before, so Im surprised you didnt see this coming. I cant offer you a shoulder to lean on because I have no sympathy for you, but I can at least answer your questions.

[whereigoijustdontkno]

I know you all are right. I miss my best friend though. He was everything I needed in a partner except the missing chemistry. How long does chemistry even last with any partners though, I wonder? Would you all be giving me any different advice if we were legally married?

 

I don't have many friends, no family, and he IS my family. I don't know why I didn't see how horribly lonely and sad I would be beforehand. I mean I knew I would be, but I guess I was hoping the MM would help break my fall. I know how wrong that is (that's why I put this in "the other man/women") section, so maybe I wouldn't be too harshly judged. I feel like such a fool.

[Albertan]

I think maybe in the long run you would not be doing him any favors, though, going back to him. Right now he is afraid to be alone but he will realise how painful it is to not be loved back as hard as he loves.

 

Have to agree with this and I also think you are afraid to be alone.

Like always, there really are no simple answers and only you can make the choices that are going to shape your own life. Obviously your relationship with your partner was broken anyway, hence the affair. You're hurting, not from the breakdown from one relationship but two, since the OM is also cutting you off.

 

I do have sympathy for you but I really think you would benefit from being on your own for a while. Recovering from the loss of your long relationship with your (ex)partner and the shock of losing OM. That'll take time to heal and it will take your ex time to heal to. The easy thing would be slip right back into the comfort zone but easiest thing usually does not mean the best thing. How long before you looked outside of relationship again, especially without the physical attraction?

 

Use this as an opportunity! Enjoy yourself, be single, hang out with friends, find new hobbies, get up at 3am and make snacks and watch a crappy movie without anyone else bothering you. It's all too easy to focus on the negative, we all do it, yet you can and will move on with your life - as will your ex eventually - and the most important thing is to learn from this. Good luck!

[Albertan]

I know you all are right. I miss my best friend though. He was everything I needed in a partner except the missing chemistry. How long does chemistry even last with any partners though, I wonder? Would you all be giving me any different advice if we were legally married?

 

I don't have many friends, no family, and he IS my family. I don't know why I didn't see how horribly lonely and sad I would be beforehand. I mean I knew I would be, but I guess I was hoping the MM would help break my fall. I know how wrong that is (that's why I put this in "the other man/women") section, so maybe I wouldn't be too harshly judged. I feel like such a fool.

 

Chemistry is important - but it does fade. I was reading on this site earlier how a someone said their very long married friend admitted they "fell in out and out love with their wife" over the course of years. She worded it much better than me!

 

You probably should feel foolish.

 

At least you're being honest with yourself about MM breaking your fall, make you feel less lonely and sad.........

I haven't managed to stay married long enough to comment too much on the chemistry - but it is a two way street that is for sure.

[carrie999]

I know you all are right. I miss my best friend though. He was everything I needed in a partner except the missing chemistry. How long does chemistry even last with any partners though, I wonder? Would you all be giving me any different advice if we were legally married?

 

I don't have many friends, no family, and he IS my family. I don't know why I didn't see how horribly lonely and sad I would be beforehand. I mean I knew I would be, but I guess I was hoping the MM would help break my fall. I know how wrong that is (that's why I put this in "the other man/women") section, so maybe I wouldn't be too harshly judged. I feel like such a fool.

 

For the first part, I know how you feel. I was in a relationship just like yours. I didn't cheat on him, but felt nothing for him, sexually or romantically. In retrospect, he didn't try to make either end work. But it didn't change these two facts: breaking up with him was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, and I still miss him today. I have no regrets about ending a dead-end relationship, but I will love him and miss his friendship forever.

 

As far as the second part is concerned, there are two factors at play. In the first case, you need to separate your reasons for ending it (as you have done so far) from your affair. And in discussing your affair here, keep in mind that while this forum is for the "other side" or the "OM/OW" everyone is free to post here. You will face criticism and anger and nasty remarks all around. Get used to it, and take it as it is. I have infinitely more patience for betrayed and angry spouses who were victims flaming me than I have for the random guy (like Eddie) who just feels like putting his two cents in anywhere...

[Eddie Edirol]

I know you all are right. I miss my best friend though. He was everything I needed in a partner except the missing chemistry. How long does chemistry even last with any partners though, I wonder? Would you all be giving me any different advice if we were legally married?

 

if you were legally married, you probably wouldnt divorce because of the cost, and people here would still tell you to let him go.

 

You cant stay with him just because you would be lonely. Your whole situation is the reason people advise 18 year olds from getting into long term relationships.

[Emme]

Oh my goodness. You reminded me of another story. Its sad but still. The story goes that these two married people were cheating with each other and loved each other. The man however loved the woman more. He called her one day and told her he had left his wife for her. She called him a fool and told him she's not leaving her husband for him. He left his wife without knowing if she would just walk away as well. The man's wife now has the house, the car and the kids. He's now sleeping on his mothers sofa. It's a sad story but in all you could be worse off but you're not. I am actually excited for you. You said you've been with him since you were 18 which means you haven't lived. I can't wait for you to see the world that's out there waiting for you. Sorry your MM mans acting like a jerk but in all he's probably trembling in a corner complaining he already has one headache (his wife) now he has 2 (you). Possibly not at all what he is looking for. No instant family, just play.

[Shocking Pink]

I know you all are right. I miss my best friend though. He was everything I needed in a partner except the missing chemistry. How long does chemistry even last with any partners though, I wonder? Would you all be giving me any different advice if we were legally married?

 

I don't have many friends, no family, and he IS my family. I don't know why I didn't see how horribly lonely and sad I would be beforehand. I mean I knew I would be, but I guess I was hoping the MM would help break my fall. I know how wrong that is (that's why I put this in "the other man/women") section, so maybe I wouldn't be too harshly judged. I feel like such a fool.

 

Well I don't think you should go back to someone because it's comfortable, whether your married or not . That sounds so awful to me, for both of you! And your OP made you sound really miserable when you were with him, maybe you are coloring it differently in your mind now bc you are lonely and hurt by your MM?

 

But long relationships do have bad periods, and you do have a kid together. Maybe the best thing is to keep your apartment, but go to something like marriage counseling with your SO if that's what he wants. Figure some things out before you go running back, take your time.

[Heather1]

I know you all are right. I miss my best friend though. He was everything I needed in a partner except the missing chemistry. How long does chemistry even last with any partners though, I wonder? Would you all be giving me any different advice if we were legally married?

 

I don't have many friends, no family, and he IS my family. I don't know why I didn't see how horribly lonely and sad I would be beforehand. I mean I knew I would be, but I guess I was hoping the MM would help break my fall. I know how wrong that is (that's why I put this in "the other man/women") section, so maybe I wouldn't be too harshly judged. I feel like such a fool.

 

 

Can you afford some kind of counseling? What I've come to find out over the years is that my family of origin (both parents are nuts, my Dad is mentally ill w/ NPD) has a lot to do w/ who I'm wildly attracted to. That's not who I married though, I married the nicest, most stable man on earth & have a hard time being attracted as well. Mostly because of my childhood. The men I'm wildly attracted to chew me up & spit me out. I know this from being single for 6 years in my 20's. I don't trust my attractions at all!! So I guess being attracted to someone for a long period of time all depends on how you were raised. I'm damned no matter what in the R dept., but my H & I are trying to figure out how the best way to deal w/ my stuff is & so far are staying together. He's still my best friend. Ironically, he's still the only man who's ever been able to give me O's?? TMI, but I find that interesting.

[Mimolicious]

This

I guess I just wanted the distraction until I learned how to be alone

Huge red flag! How can you learn to be "alone" while being "distracted" by your MM?

 

Honestly, and I don't mean to sound like a biotch. You need to probably be ALONE to be able to find youself. If your child is not getting 100%, then you are not realizing how you may slightly be neglecting him. Things fall through the cracks if you are all depressed and puzzled.