Tofu Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 (Its abit long but please bare with me) My case is a long distance relationship so i just wanted to see wat you can make out from this and give me your opinion and advice on how to make us get together again: We were in a long distance relationship for 8months, me 20 and her 17. And we just decided today that we want to give this relationship a break because she cant last with us not being together everyday. Were only 1hr away and i went down today to try and work things out with her to try and keep this relationship going but she was certain it couldnt go on even tho we've only seen each other twice, first was just a month ago and second was today with us trying to talk over it. I tried telling her now that exams are over and were finally ready we can try and see each other regularly again through weekends. She said it would just hurt her more if she tried and i tried to logically reason with her for an hr that if you dont attempt this you wont ever know and breaking up would just be certain pain for the both of us so i wanted her to take the chance path and try seeing each other regularly, she wouldnt listen and kept saying she cant do it... and i understand now logic is not the way to go. In the end we both agreed to give it a break and just be friends then we just spent the rest of the day just chatting like very close friends. I could tell from her eyes and voice that she loves me deeply when she said 'i love you' and i do too for her but the distance problem is wat dragged us apart. I asked if there was still a chance we could get back together and she said if the circumstances changed, which im assuming is if i was able to get closer to her but i cant cos of my duties in university and her in college. We kissed passionatly before i left for the train today showing the feelings we still hav for each other, we talked via text and phone after i got back home just normal chit chat and my mind tells me to keep in contact with her everyday like this from now on so we can still stay close and hopefully she will giv our relationship another chance but I want to get her back and i hear that if you want your girlfriend back you need to lose all contact with her and wait for her to repeatedly contact you until she feels desperate to get back together again and try working things out rather than her following her emotions as to what can and cannot be done, which i find silly without using logic but sadly girls are that way apparantly. I dont want to hurt her by not talking but if its the only way for her to realize it is correct for us to try and work things out and be together again then i will do it. We have always been frequent texters to each other ever since the early days of this relationship and it would be quite a change for her if i suddenly stopped, I could see her worrying and asking if something was wrong once i do stop talking to her but do you really think she'd start missing me when she doesnt hear from me and then actually try with everything shes got to talk and get back together with me? The love is still there, she said this relationship would be perfect IF we werent far away so we could just drop by each others house anytime to be together physically, sadly we cant. Is NC really the solution for me to get back together with her now that you have read through our case? Thanks in advance I look forward to your replies and discuss this further with everyone 1
folieadeux Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I honestly stopped reading after you posted your ages. Wait until she's of age and go from there if you think it's still worth pursuing. She's acting the way she's supposed to be because, well...she's a kid. An hour away shouldn't make or break anything, most of us have longer commutes to school/work everyday. But, to a teenager without the resources or maturity to sustain an LDR, it'll always be a one-sided situation.
Author Tofu Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 I honestly stopped reading after you posted your ages. Wait until she's of age and go from there if you think it's still worth pursuing. She's acting the way she's supposed to be because, well...she's a kid. An hour away shouldn't make or break anything, most of us have longer commutes to school/work everyday. But, to a teenager without the resources or maturity to sustain an LDR, it'll always be a one-sided situation. Youd be surprised but shes pretty mature for her age however i can see your point in her still not having enough experience to cope with an LDR, I guess wat i really feel uncomfortable right now is the fact that we still talk as if were close friends but once she finds another guy then i would feel destroyed beyond repair. Which is why i want to try and get bk with her, she said the relationship would be perfect IF it werent for the distance and we could just easily come see each other anyday. Realistically that cant happen even i doubt her mates can see her everyday, i just wish she would realize that and try and work this relationship out
wild_urge Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Seriously, you live 1h apart and you waited 6 months to see each other? I mean how expensive or time consuming it could be to visit every other weekend or once a month at least? To me it seems that if both of you cared as much as you wish for each other, you would be going through hell, but seeing each other more often! I mean, you can't have a relationship if you don't spend time together and some people go on without seeing each other for 6 months a year, but that is because they live like 10 000 km away from one another and they don't have Christmas and summer break. . . I'm sorry, but I don't think that the distance has anything to do with the problem here, obviously she isn't ready for even the slightest obstacles, which means that her love is probably as immature as she is and you should understand that this isn't going to work out. Try with the girl next door, she might appreciate you more. I don't see what you guys have as a real relationship, but I would suggest that you find someone that really cares about you, I am sure that you can.
Author Tofu Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 Seriously, you live 1h apart and you waited 6 months to see each other? I mean how expensive or time consuming it could be to visit every other weekend or once a month at least? To me it seems that if both of you cared as much as you wish for each other, you would be going through hell, but seeing each other more often! I mean, you can't have a relationship if you don't spend time together and some people go on without seeing each other for 6 months a year, but that is because they live like 10 000 km away from one another and they don't have Christmas and summer break. . . I'm sorry, but I don't think that the distance has anything to do with the problem here, obviously she isn't ready for even the slightest obstacles, which means that her love is probably as immature as she is and you should understand that this isn't going to work out. Try with the girl next door, she might appreciate you more. I don't see what you guys have as a real relationship, but I would suggest that you find someone that really cares about you, I am sure that you can. I blame the 6month wait on myself due to reluctance in seeing her and not being fully ready. I know wat you mean thats why i wanted to spend time together with her from now on cos after meeting her for the 1st time i knew i was ready and wanted to see her regularly from now on but she said she couldnt cos she needed me to be there with her everyday which couldnt be done cos of our 1hr distance. But thankyou v much for your msg, its made me realize something. If she really did care bout this relationship and wanting to see me she would have tried and attempted to see me, this past month has always been me asking and initiating the want to be together. If she isnt able to accept a 1hr distance then i see no reason to stick by her anymore, wat i want is a relationship cos we are compatible but if all she wants is friendship then im going NC and nvr looking back until maybe one day she sees wat was wrong with her way of thinking. Thx so much again wild, i really needed that to open my eyes.
wild_urge Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 You can have better than her, just think, if she really cared about you, 1h wouldn't be enough to separate you, I mean, is this really how you think love should be? Love is amazing, you can't stop thinking of the other person you always want to be together, you are willing to do anything for that other person; you are willing to sacrifice, to suffer. Love is not just saying you love somebody, trust me, you don't want to be loved that way, you want someone to be rally passionate about you and to not be able to live without you, this is the person for whom you can give up everything, the person that deserves you really, that person has to be able to stick with you through anything, there are people like that out there, don't waste your time, go look for happiness
creighton0123 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Youd be surprised but shes pretty mature for her age however i can see your point in her still not having enough experience to cope with an LDR, I guess wat i really feel uncomfortable right now is the fact that we still talk as if were close friends but once she finds another guy then i would feel destroyed beyond repair. Which is why i want to try and get bk with her, she said the relationship would be perfect IF it werent for the distance and we could just easily come see each other anyday. Realistically that cant happen even i doubt her mates can see her everyday, i just wish she would realize that and try and work this relationship out It's not an issue of emotional maturity... it's that of relationship experience. Think of each relationship that ends until you meat the proverbial "one" as a successfully ended relationship. She might be left asking herself "Why did it end?" and realize that the hour distance wasn't really killer. You later wrote: "I blame the 6month wait on myself due to reluctance in seeing her and not being fully ready. I know wat you mean thats why i wanted to spend time together with her from now on cos after meeting her for the 1st time i knew i was ready and wanted to see her regularly from now on but she said she couldnt cos she needed me to be there with her everyday which couldnt be done cos of our 1hr distance." You both acted in a very needy and/or selfish way. In non co-habitating relationships, there's no need to see one another every day. In fact, that can be very detrimental. You didn't give her the time you should have and she didn't give you the emotional space you needed. One hour distance ISN'T that much. Hell... it takes me an hour and a half to get to work and another hour and a half to get home... For some time, I dated someone who lived 2.5 hours away and we still managed to see one another every weekend. An hour isn't all that far.
Author Tofu Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 It's not an issue of emotional maturity... it's that of relationship experience. Think of each relationship that ends until you meat the proverbial "one" as a successfully ended relationship. She might be left asking herself "Why did it end?" and realize that the hour distance wasn't really killer. You later wrote: "I blame the 6month wait on myself due to reluctance in seeing her and not being fully ready. I know wat you mean thats why i wanted to spend time together with her from now on cos after meeting her for the 1st time i knew i was ready and wanted to see her regularly from now on but she said she couldnt cos she needed me to be there with her everyday which couldnt be done cos of our 1hr distance." You both acted in a very needy and/or selfish way. In non co-habitating relationships, there's no need to see one another every day. In fact, that can be very detrimental. You didn't give her the time you should have and she didn't give you the emotional space you needed. One hour distance ISN'T that much. Hell... it takes me an hour and a half to get to work and another hour and a half to get home... For some time, I dated someone who lived 2.5 hours away and we still managed to see one another every weekend. An hour isn't all that far. Hehe tell me about it, everyone ive spoken to all say that 1hr is hardly anything if only you could convince that to my ex then id be a much happier man
creighton0123 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Hehe tell me about it, everyone ive spoken to all say that 1hr is hardly anything if only you could convince that to my ex then id be a much happier man Well.. sounds like you need to convince her that if she takes you back, you'll make more of an effort to see her for an extended period a few times a month at least. Do you both have cars and the ability to drive to one another?
Faded_x Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Hehe tell me about it, everyone ive spoken to all say that 1hr is hardly anything if only you could convince that to my ex then id be a much happier man She really shouldn't have to be convinced. If she was really interested in you/the relationship, one hour would be nothing to her. Like the others have said; I travel over an hour one way to uni most days. I would LOVE it if my boyfriend was only that far away. Honestly, she's being way too unrealistic and needy if she expects to see you every day anyway. Most couples don't spend every day together; unless they already live together. If the both of you were interested in doing so, with only an hours distance between you, you'd definitely be able to see each other weekly. I really do think it comes down to either immaturity, or a lack of interest.
befreckled Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Hehe tell me about it, everyone ive spoken to all say that 1hr is hardly anything if only you could convince that to my ex then id be a much happier man Offer her some prespective. my SO and I are about 24-26hrs away by flight! Yes, that's typically two transits where you are squeezed onto a metal tank and made to listen to some wretched baby yell their poor lungs out at 2 in the morning If she truly wanted this, an hour is a walk in the park. Like the other posters have chimed, most of us have commutes longer than an hour. Respectfully at 17, I didn't know what shoe I wanted to put on the next day much less the relationship I wanted to be in regardless of how much I had been through and how precocious everyone thought I was.
Author Tofu Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 Thats wat i tried telling her the other day when we met to talk about this issue, at most i can do 5 times a week but that would be a strain my work schedule but she told me thats not the problem since she feels she'll just get hurt when i have to leave again. But if she does want me bk then of course ill do everything it takes to see her. Thats just it really, she is needy and as much as i want to always be there for her everday as well i just cant do it at this moment in time, i can easily manage a weekly meeting thats no problem at all in fact id prefer that, but of course i tried asking her to try it but she remained stubborn and kept saying she couldnt cos she was following her gut feeling without listening to logic (logic doesnt work in these situations, i get that now). It must be immaturity because if we didnt love each other we wouldnt have been so close, we still remained close even after the break agreement, and we just then spent the rest of the day together talking like we usually do. Before i left for the train that day we kissed passionatly, i asked if we could and she came straight for me... i wanted to do this so it would leave a hint of doubt in her mind, just as a last act before we left possibly not seeing each other again. I did give her loads of examples of other LDR that my mates hav gone through but she says she isnt the type to handle a LDR, but the thing is she hasnt even tried and seen each other regularly. But your right, she is still young so of course she'd be insecure relationships at her age should be for fun not stressful. I just hope that overtime she will grow to miss me cos i hav always been there for her which why i think after much advice from Gator that NC is the way to go.
creighton0123 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 You're both young. Yes, you love one another, but perhaps it seems that the two of you are not ready for a committed, mature relationship with each other... atl east not at this point in time. I hate to break it to her, but an hour's drive is not a "long distance relationship". Given her logic, I would have to quit my job because it's a "long distance employment" with a 1 hour to 1:15 commute each way depending on traffic.... NC really seems to be the way to go unless you want to keep playing this perpetual game of ping pong.
Author Tofu Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 You're both young. Yes, you love one another, but perhaps it seems that the two of you are not ready for a committed, mature relationship with each other... atl east not at this point in time. I hate to break it to her, but an hour's drive is not a "long distance relationship". Given her logic, I would have to quit my job because it's a "long distance employment" with a 1 hour to 1:15 commute each way depending on traffic.... NC really seems to be the way to go unless you want to keep playing this perpetual game of ping pong. Yes, I was probably expecting too much from her at her age to be in a committed relationship. Tho we did discuss in the past that we'd do things together to stay close like her moving to my uni once she finished college and me planning to move to China for work and her wanting to come along as well cos she wanted to be with me, but these talks were like a few months ago when we were still close. For some reason i just cant help but shake the feeling we are an exception that can work this out without NC cos now some ppl are telling me to stay close to her so she knows im there and will slowly redevelop stronger feelings and want to give this another shot, my main fear is there were a few of her guy friends who had feelings for her too but she rejected all of them cos she knew i was the right one for her, but now that were taking a break im just feeling like crap right now thinking that theyll take this chance and get together with her. I really want to do NC but the back of my head thinks without you she will look for another guy to take your place.
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