30Years Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 If a spouse cheats, how does that ruin the self-esteem of the betrayed spouse? This is something I can't understand. If my wife cheats, I haven't done anything wrong, and it says nothing about me. Why should I feel bad about myself?
Distant78 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 If a spouse cheats, how does that ruin the self-esteem of the betrayed spouse? This is something I can't understand. If my wife cheats, I haven't done anything wrong, and it says nothing about me. Why should I feel bad about myself? Because the person we loved the most and the person we told our most intimate, inner thoughts to hurt us in one of the worst ways a human can hurt another.
bentnotbroken Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I am blessed. I had problems with self esteem before I found out about the cheating. After finding out about his behavior for most of our marriage, it was kind of freeing. I learned that all those years of being told and thinking something was wrong with me...it wasn't me. It was like waking up and finding out I really had something to offer life. So I guess I found me when I lost him.
Author 30Years Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 I am blessed. I had problems with self esteem before I found out about the cheating. After finding out about his behavior for most of our marriage, it was kind of freeing. I learned that all those years of being told and thinking something was wrong with me...it wasn't me. It was like waking up and finding out I really had something to offer life. So I guess I found me when I lost him. So, Bent, if I may ask, what "fixed" your self esteem issues? (Of course, you don't have to answer that. I understand that it may be too personal for an online forum.) His cheating did not harm your self esteem?
bentnotbroken Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 His treatment during the marriage destroyed the self esteem I had. I chose to respond to that with anger and abuse. He treated me worse...and you get the picture..a vicious circle. Through all that I loved him. Maybe I wasn't always in love with him, but I always loved him and trusted him. When I found out about the last affair and then all the ones before that he had hidden. Once I came out of the shock I began to realize something...I wasn't broken. I had a few cracks:o but nothing like I had been lead to believe. I went to a therapist, begin a relationship with God, got support from friends and family, then filed for divorce. Don't get me wrong...I hurt and I was lonely. But looking in the mirror and not wishing that I didn't wake up that morning was a huge self esteem boost. To look in a mirror and realize that the person looking back was smart, funny, loving and not too bad looking for a 40+ year old, is a huge self esteem boost. I learned to love me, more than I loved him and the way he made me feel. Loving myself is the best self esteem boost of all. He had the problem and he needed to the ego boost. He is the one who needs outside sources to validate his self esteem. And his life today is more of a reflection of that than what he did to me.
Spark1111 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 While I logically, rationally knew his cheating had nothing truly to do with me or our marriage, it took a long time for my self=esteem to correct. I still have an occasional bad day. The affair undermines your self esteem two=fold: the affair itself, if you truly love your spouse (I did!) makes you feel so less than; less attractive, less confident; just less! Because if the relationship was as strong as you thought it was, this would have never happened. The second reason you experience a loss of self-esteem is there is NOTHING as debilitating to one's psyche as realizing your sense of your reality was false. Your intuition did not kick in, your reasoning proved faulty, you were operating in a world under false pretenses and DID NOT KNOW IT! That is hugely debilitating! And frightening? How to overcome it? Get good and selfish. Trust yourself. Work and focus on yourself! Get stronger, both mentally and physically. Do what you love. Encourage friendships with good people. Take a course for you! Concentrate on you and all that is wonderful about you! Learn to rely on Yourself. Get your gut, intuition and instincts back. Learn what you want and why you want it. Get back to you and what makes you the unique and wonderful person you have always been!
Author 30Years Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 Because if the relationship was as strong as you thought it was, this would have never happened. The second reason you experience a loss of self-esteem is there is NOTHING as debilitating to one's psyche as realizing your sense of your reality was false. Your intuition did not kick in, your reasoning proved faulty, you were operating in a world under false pretenses and DID NOT KNOW IT! I think it is pretty well accepted in the professional-marriage-psychology world that affairs happen in good marriages. I guess you do not think that is the case, or at least didn't at the time. Also, I don't think I would feel bad about myself because I was deceived by someone I trusted. The trust makes the deceit easier, and as a loving spouse, it is expected that I am to trust my partner. If my wife took advantage of that trust, again, I haven't done anything wrong. I am asking all this because it pains me to read of BS's feeling horrible about themselves when, in my opinion, they shouldn't. If you haven't done anything wrong, you haven't done anything wrong!
Woggle Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Because you wonder what you did to make it happen and cheaters often come up with a million reasons why it is all your fault. They love to shift the blame. For a while I blamed myself but then I realized what kind of person I was dealing with and was relieved when she gave me a clear reason to leave her.
bentnotbroken Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Because you wonder what you did to make it happen and cheaters often come up with a million reasons why it is all your fault. They love to shift the blame. For a while I blamed myself but then I realized what kind of person I was dealing with and was relieved when she gave me a clear reason to leave her. Right there with you Woggle. Right there with you.
Woggle Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Right there with you Woggle. Right there with you. I am starting to realize that her doing what she did so early on in the marriage was a blessing disguise. We were planning on having kids and I think it is pretty obvious how much of a bad idea that would have been.
bentnotbroken Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I am starting to realize that her doing what she did so early on in the marriage was a blessing disguise. We were planning on having kids and I think it is pretty obvious how much of a bad idea that would have been. Though I love my children with all my heart...I have wondered what choices I would have made differently if I they weren't a part of him. Those babies(though they are grown:o) are the best thing he and I ever did or will do. Woggle go hug your wife.
Distant78 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Because you wonder what you did to make it happen and cheaters often come up with a million reasons why it is all your fault. They love to shift the blame. For a while I blamed myself but then I realized what kind of person I was dealing with and was relieved when she gave me a clear reason to leave her. Agreed 100%.
desertIslandCactus Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Self Esteem?? It put me into a vegetative state that took years to recover from. My best closest friend in the world turned his back on me and became indifferent. The worst lonliness in the world is living with a spouse who goes from loving to acting as a stranger. Everything is then upside down with the D, loosing home, joining workforce. Attorney fees and spending years trying to recuperate in diff ways. Saving grace: my loyal children.
Nightsky Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Self-esteem encompasses emotions such as triumph, despair, pride and shame. It shouldn’t be hard to understand how emotional infidelity can be.
turnstone Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Self-esteem encompasses emotions such as triumph, despair, pride and shame. It shouldn’t be hard to understand how emotional infidelity can be. I'd think so to. I wonder what the motivation could be for not doing so.
Author 30Years Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 Self-esteem encompasses emotions such as triumph, despair, pride and shame. It shouldn’t be hard to understand how emotional infidelity can be. I have no problem understanding how emotional infidelity can be. What I don't understand is why it affects the self esteem of the betrayed spouse. We have an autistic son. I feel the extremes of triumph, despair, and pride too often. Way too often. But I don't feel shame because he is autistic. I had no decisions in that happening. So, if my wife does something stupid, I may feel very bad about the situation, but it will never make me feel bad about myself. I dislike myself when I do something wrong. I'll never feel bad about myself when someone else does something wrong. I'll never be held responsible for someone else's decisions.
seren Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I wouldn't go so far to say that my self esteem was ruined, but it certainly was affected. During the time H had the A, I would ask, over and over if there was anything wrong, his answer of no each time and his continued, I love you's led me to believe that if there was nothing wrong with him, then there must be something wrong with me, or rather my perception of our relationship, at that time. When he told me, D Day, I spent days, no, weeks analysing what had gone wrong, how I had missed the signs, how I could have allowed myself to be so trusting - the lack of esteem isn't always tied up with the feeling not good enough for him, but that my perception had failed. I am not saying that once I knew who the OW was, I was backfooted and thought that you (he) risked us for her? It made me think that she must have been all that, and by definition I, not. It was only once the whole A was laid out before me that I fully understood that the A had nothing to do with me, it wasn't my 'fault' but that the A was the way in which H dealt with some pretty serious issues he had. I mean no disrespect to the OW, but he felt that his 'choice' of OW reflected his lack of self esteem, him feeling not good enough, that she was all he deserved. pretty screwed up thinking, but H was pretty screwed up himself at that point. I find myself looking at what I could have done to prevent the A, and end up saying to myself that WE could have communicated better, but stop the A without that action, nothing. I do have days when A demons bite my a***, but they are few and far between. I think that, for me at least, had he had an A for love, had I been able to understand the choice of OW, then my esteem might not have been so dented. It is almost like self esteem by association!
Author 30Years Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 When he told me, D Day, I spent days, no, weeks analysing what had gone wrong, how I had missed the signs, how I could have allowed myself to be so trusting It is almost like self esteem by association! In the first sentence I've quoted above, I hope you don't still feel that way, because, what's the alternative? You can't build a solid relationship if you harbor suspicions. That's impossible. You gave complete trust because you were doing your part to build the solid relationship you wanted. HE violated that trust and it was not your responsibility to babysit him. The fact that you gave him your complete trust does not make you a fool. It makes you admirable! Nevertheless, the other sentence kind of makes sense, but not completely. I'll have to think about it a while. But I can somewhat understand it in those terms, since you pointed out that you are struggling to "understand the choice of the OW." That's somewhat palatable to me. Seren, you say you wonder what you could have done to prevent the A. In my opinion, no spouse has any responsibility in preventing the other from cheating. You didn't marry him to babysit his decisions or to provide him direction in life. If he was unhappy with your relationship, he had the responsibility to come forward. He's an adult. I think you have every reason to expect him to act like one, and I don't think you have any responsibility whatsoever if he chooses not to.
aeh Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Well, I agree with all that has been said. But I will also say that I had fallen into the complacent mom thing. I still fixed myself up every day but maybe wasn't dressing as cute as I used to, definitely was not working out as regularly as I should have been, and yes, definitely wasn't being as lovey-dovey with my husband. I will take ownership of that. I could have definitely been a better wife. Also, we weren't having sex as much. Prob 1x/week or even 1x/every 2 weeks. After my H's A, I doubted every thing I had ever known. Without a doubt, I suffered from PTSD for awhile. I didn't know which way was up (love that moniker that someone else uses, I could totally relate!). I felt stupid for living a lie, stupid for trusting, stupid for being married!! I also was angry at everything, in despair about it all. I felt undesired, unworthy, unlovable. Well, the first thing I did was get to the gym. I am in the best shape of my life now. Also, mentally I am in a really good spot. I never want to be that person again.
Spark1111 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 In the first sentence I've quoted above, I hope you don't still feel that way, because, what's the alternative? You can't build a solid relationship if you harbor suspicions. That's impossible. You gave complete trust because you were doing your part to build the solid relationship you wanted. HE violated that trust and it was not your responsibility to babysit him. The fact that you gave him your complete trust does not make you a fool. It makes you admirable! Nevertheless, the other sentence kind of makes sense, but not completely. I'll have to think about it a while. But I can somewhat understand it in those terms, since you pointed out that you are struggling to "understand the choice of the OW." That's somewhat palatable to me. Seren, you say you wonder what you could have done to prevent the A. In my opinion, no spouse has any responsibility in preventing the other from cheating. You didn't marry him to babysit his decisions or to provide him direction in life. If he was unhappy with your relationship, he had the responsibility to come forward. He's an adult. I think you have every reason to expect him to act like one, and I don't think you have any responsibility whatsoever if he chooses not to. Absolutely everything you say is logically and rationally true. But it takes years for your emotions to go through the cycles they go through, for your heart to catch up with your head. It is PTSD, and some recover quicker than others, but still go through denial, guilt, anger, bargaining, and acceptance. It is being LIED to by the person you love and trust most in the world that hits to the core. And not realizing how easily they did so without your awareness.
Author 30Years Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 Absolutely everything you say is logically and rationally true. But it takes years for your emotions to go through the cycles they go through, for your heart to catch up with your head. It is PTSD, and some recover quicker than others, but still go through denial, guilt, anger, bargaining, and acceptance. It is being LIED to by the person you love and trust most in the world that hits to the core. And not realizing how easily they did so without your awareness. I've never been there, so I wouldn't know. And so I ask. I do know this much: of all the things people have mentioned, the lying would piss me off royally.
Author 30Years Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 But I will also say that I had fallen into the complacent mom thing. I still fixed myself up every day but maybe wasn't dressing as cute as I used to, definitely was not working out as regularly as I should have been, and yes, definitely wasn't being as lovey-dovey with my husband. I will take ownership of that. I could have definitely been a better wife. Also, we weren't having sex as much. Prob 1x/week or even 1x/every 2 weeks. We all do. We all fall into ruts. Your husband had a responsibility to voice his concerns if they existed, and I hope like hell that you do not feel even a smidgen of having caused the A because you were not "cute" enough. We can all be a better spouse, person, parent, whatever, but unfortunately, we're all human, and sometimes we get lazy.
UnsureinSeattle Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Why does it hurt your self esteem? When your SO of over 10 years suddenly has the hots for a little, bald nebbish who was 5 foot nothing and a complete schmuck? Gee, I can't imagine why my self esteem took a hit, there... Seriously- you go thru feeling like you aren't good enough for a variety of reasons. You feel bad that someone is lying to you. You feel bad that you've apparently done something wrong and no one will tell you what it is.
seren Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I've never been there, so I wouldn't know. And so I ask. I do know this much: of all the things people have mentioned, the lying would piss me off royally. ..... and therein lies the rub 30Years, it is of course the lying, but the gaslighting, the bloody gaslighting!! now that makes you feel like you are doing something wrong. The constant I love you's from your H, the still wonderful facade that they assure you is all there, is confusing. You (general you) know there is something different, something off, the moods and the constant blameshifting, erodes reality. You end up questioning if you are sane!! After all, if the man (woman) who you love, trust and trust again, with all of you, says it is OK and you think it isn't, you tend to believe them. It is the ersosion of your sense of reality that jars, makes you feel like you must be doing something wrong or feeling wrong, it becomes a groundhog day of saying sorry, of trying to make it all right. Bloody saps the self esteem and I am probably the most assertive, together, confident woman I know! A D Day is a welcome relief, it makes all the pieces fall into place and you begin to realise that your radar wasn't off, and then, because you love the man, and you have their back and they are your life partner, you begin to question what you did, were doing to make them look for someone else. if your sex life is as active, if your love is as strong, you look at what else was it .... and so on and on. UNTIL, you have it all and you realise that it wasn't you at all, it was something missing in the person that had the A. For those A's that are not for love, or when the A is so easily discarded, it hurts more IMHO. Simply because, if you are me, you can understand people risking all for love, but for nothing other than a fling, that is a huge blow to self esteem. I am glad to be out the other side, my self esteem needs no propping up, the hurt will always be there, but it doesn't consume me, it was what it was. The understanding of the why's and wherefore's help me to make sense of it all. Now my H's self esteem, that is another thread entirely, he is far more critical of himself and his actions than I could ever be.
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