gkaplan000 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 So me and my wife have been together for 6 years and of the 6 years we were really happy. The last 4 months we have really been not in good with each other. We have been separated now for the last week and the separation has no end in sight. We are set to start MC next week and next week can't come fast enough. We have 2 beautiful children that we both love dearly, a 5 yo boy and a 2 yo girl. We are currently living in the same house and it's a bit odd. We sleep in separate rooms but get along good when we see each other. Two nights this week we have sat on the couch together and we were tucking each others feet under each other like we used to do. We laughed a bit and talked. She still really wants this separation and says she will "let me know when she is ready". I am not sure how much longer I can give her space and it's only been a week. She says that she is in love with me and that if either one of us hook up with anybody during this separation it is considered cheating. She says that this is extremely hard on her since she loves me so much. I don't know how much longer I can give her space, I am about to burst. I gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek today before I left for work and she was not real receptive to the hug. She said that it is hard for her right now because she is still mad at me and doesn't like me right now. I really tried to not hug her but I couldn't control myself. It is so F...ing hard to not hug the person you are deeply in love with. What makes it even harder is that she loves me just as much but won't show it yet. As long as we have this good communication between us I am not to worried about going our separate ways. I just want things to get back to normal and moving forward. What else can I do.
jstobo Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Why is she mad at you? Something must have started this.
Author gkaplan000 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 (edited) She had an emotional affair in 2007 and I have never fully trusted her since then. Everytime I saw her talking on the phone or chatting on FB I always thought that this would be the next emotional affair. I never really said anything to her about I just tried to keep it to myself. In October last year her and her old boss from 8 years ago started talking on the phone alot almost an hour at a time and they would talk about once a week. No big deal except he is going through a divorce and my wife is very attractive. I saw something on FB that he told her if things don't work out between me and her that he would be the first one in line. I asked her to not talk to him ever again and she agreed. When she first started talking with him I warned her that he would cross the line eventually. Last week an exbf contacted her through facebook and I asked her to not friend him or talk with him since he is an ex. She doesn't remember me asking her this. All day on Saturday she was excited and happy which is not usually like her. My gut starting turning and I had a gut feeling that something wasn't right. When I got home at 6:30PM after working all day she was getting ready to out with her girlfriends. I knew about this and I am ok with it. I had to leave to pick up our daughter from my parents house. I had a horrible feeling that she was hiding something from me. My gut feeling was right. As soon as I left the house I checked our cell phone records. As soon as I left the house she contacted the exbf and they sent each other a few text messages back and forth. Maybe I read to much into this but it seemed like she was contacting him to say that I was out of the house and that they could meet up. I called her and we argued for 30 minutes about how I don't trust her and that she would not cheat on me she learned her lesson. That the contact with him was just coincidental. I didn't and I still don't believe her. She came home an hour later and packed some stuff for her and our daughter. She went to her parents house and said she wants to separate and divorce. Edited February 10, 2011 by gkaplan000
jstobo Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Thanks for the back story. Three months ago I found out my Wife was having an EA and that she was no longer in love with me. She doesn't want a divorce yet, because we have a lot at stake (her words, since we have two kids). I've gone through all kinds of emotions. Here are some things I did to help ME. I defriended my Wife on Facebook. I got tired of seeing things that I thought were something that really weren't. I would have a woman friend me on Facebook that was meaningless. Why was I torturing myself when a guy Friended her. It's hard, but once you do it, its liberating. Separate your cell phone lines. Don't allow yourself access to see who she is calling or texting. Once again you will drive yourself crazy wondering if a number is a guy, when its probably a girlfriend. Once again,, liberating. Guess what else it does? No more accusations. Now she gave you reason to not trust her, so its understandable why you don't. Don't beat yourself up over it. All of us on here have checked e-mails and phone records. Some have gone even further. Let me tell you, I have felt soooo much better since I stopped. I'm not going to lie to you, I have been going through hell. Cried in front of her, pleaded, depressed, all the things I'm not supposed to do. Its been 3 months though and I'm starting to gain some strength. Its actually made a difference in her. Try try try to get there faster than it took me. The quicker you can trust her, give her independence, be happy, live like your going to be OK; the faster she'll reconnect with the man she married. Its a long road ahead, but not all of these situations end badly.
Author gkaplan000 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 I have actually talked with her lately about getting separate phone lines. She doesn't see the point to it. I told her the other night that I will put 100% trust in her if she shows me more respect. I do alot for her and the kids and none of them hurt for anything. She is a stay at home mom in school and I help her with her school work to the point where I help her get the A in each class. I am just not sure what to do when I get home everynight. I know she needs her space and I give it to her, but it hurts so bad not holding the one you love. I know I need to be strong and not give into my emotions but it is so hard. I also thought about defriending her but I don't want some our friends and family getting the wrong idea. My wife says she is in love with and wants our marriage to work but she is not ready yet to give into her love for me again. We are going to a really good mc this week and I hope that helps. It brought us together once before I hope it can do it again.
jstobo Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I know man. I am right there with you. I see my Wife each day and I just want to hug her and kiss her all night. My heart breaks when I hug her and she is loosely holding on. I'm sure you know what I mean. If I don't hug her, I ache, but my heart doesn't break. I climb into bed next to her and pray she snuggles up against me. It doesn't happen. Keep your status married on Facebook when you defriend her. People really won't notice. As far as the phone goes, this is for YOU, not her. Do it for you. I know its scary letting go of some control, but trust me on how much better it is.
Albertan Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 She says that she is in love with me and that if either one of us hook up with anybody during this separation it is considered cheating. This is a really good sign. Did she also say she will not be hooking up with anyone? God, I wish my wife had said something like this when we were separating. When I asked about 'dating other people' she was totally non-committal about it, a sure sign she was planning to date. It could, possibly, maybe, that she just needs some space? Jstobo's advice is really good though. Even if you "defriend" her in FB - that does not show up in the feed. You could also deactivate your own FB account.
Author gkaplan000 Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 I am on the fence about the whole facebook thing. I have so much other stress that I am not even thinking of FB right now. We have a mutual agreement that this is time to work on us and not work on other people. We both want to save our marriage but we need space now to clear our heads. As much as I don't want to give her space I know that it is the right thing todo. I am going out tomorrow night and she says she doesn't care what I do because she trusts me. I know in my heart that we will make this marriage work again. I can't and never could picture myself with anyone else. I have been going to the gym everyday, reconnecting with old friends and working on me. If I can get myself to a healthier state of mind and body maybe i can be healthier in this relationship. When I get home everynight we do hang out for a little while. I am always sure to not bring up the past or the separation. I do what I can to charm her and make laugh and smile. If I can win these little battles I should be able to win the war.
imagine Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 How can you trust her? She needs to realize that she has jerked your chain more than once. Extraordinary precautions need to be implemented. She has to be told that you are defending the marriage. Get someone to do this job. If you do it, it may seem to be a lovebuster. Study marriagebuilders.com and find out about the policy of joint agreement. Learn to meet her emotional needs but find out what they are first. Your marriage needs to accommodate her past infidelities in order that you can move forward. Find a GOOD marriage councilor. Do solid research. Many would rather make the two of you feel happy than save the marriage.
whichwayisup Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Until she sorts herself out, figures out why she needs attention from other men, why she cant' set boundries and why she isn't remorseful for her choices to have an EA, your marriage is on rocky ground. She's selfish and seems to not 'get it'. When you're married, there are certain things you give up! Getting close to other men on an emotional level is one of them! Hope MC works and wakes her up!
sammyd Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 "I have been going to the gym everyday, reconnecting with old friends and working on me. If I can get myself to a healthier state of mind and body maybe i can be healthier in this relationship." Well done you. Try and keep busy, go out, don't be so available all the time. It really sounds like this can be saved:)
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