tiffin Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 I don't understand it either. When I asked my ex how soon she could be out. I thought it would be easy to get over. That same day I called and begged her to stay. Something hit me and I turned 180 wanting her back. It has been a living hell since then, going on a year, I am now in friend status.
MidnightinMadrid Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 (edited) Midnight, hello. x Well re-read what you have just written a few times. Do you see that by identifying your own reasons it shows that you're already starting to turn. You can see your mistakes with your behaviours and rationalise why you felt that way. Now I would say try making less excuses still and start seeing the guy in his truer light. Rejection is actually the biggie why we feel so treacherous in these situations, but try to stop seeing that you are not good enough, but that this man does not know what is good for him. If someone is rejecting someone with so much love to give, then they are the ones missing out. All you've lost is someone without the courage to stay with you through thick and thin. Many bail at the sign of real life and being a true strong person is taking the rough with the smooth of this world. I have seen him in his true colors,I just couldnt accept that is the person that he is. The fact that he sinced moved on to another person,and basically lets me know he loves her so much and doesnt want to lose her meanwhile thinks nothing of ignoring a simple hello e-mail makes me constantly obsess,what is so great about her? Is she that better than I am?thow come I'm not good enough? Fact is, this guy believes himself as Mr.Popular claiming he has friends online and off globally,female ones too,in case I hear that,well his gf doesnt like you two keeping in touch yada yada... But with all that is said I am Very SURE he doesnt treat his friends that way. One poster said that in the post dumpees accept being treated crappily by their exes,I am indeed one of them and I am well aware of that. You also said he bailed out on someones that good for him,according to him he has her and thats good enough. This makes me kick myself,I don't offer friendship expecting romance in return,it just happened between us.' However, I don't expect to give my love & support away just so someone else can feel better and in return treat me as if i'm their inferior. Yeah I have lots to work on, You're right,i should see him as someone missing out not me not being good enough. Edited February 12, 2011 by MidnightinMadrid revising
Whatshername Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 Exactly. People who suck the GOOD from you, to make themselves feel better are messed up! I swear, when I met my exbf, even tho I was post divorce, I was HAPPY, I was FUN............ It takes SO much work to be in this sort of relationship. You never want to rock the boat. Not because they would HIT you, but so they don't remove their love, or punish you, for BEING YOU! Or turn from conflict and shut you out, because they don't like DRAMA, but yet they create it EVERY TIME YOU DON" SEE THINGS THEIR WAY. I listened to an amazing 15 minute Christian message for fathers this morning. WOW. The jist was, he had 6 kids, and the father makes it a point, weekly, to meet separately with each of them to let them know he loves them, values them, to build them up and to affirm them, in the way each needs it. He asks about their lives, shares things going on in his. Tells them he prays for them and asks them to pray for him. One daughter admitted being fearful because she heard her parents arguing. He apologized to her and assured her that he and her mother will never divorce and said he was sorry that she heard them arguing. Some needed affection, some respect, some encouragement, some praise, etc. I was literally spellbound listening to it. it made me want to wait, really wait for a man who was loved thoroughly by his father. Ok, off to work...........lol
makelemonade1974 Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 Rejection is actually the biggie why we feel so treacherous in these situations, but try to stop seeing that you are not good enough, but that this man does not know what is good for him. If someone is rejecting someone with so much love to give, then they are the ones missing out. All you've lost is someone without the courage to stay with you through thick and thin. Many bail at the sign of real life and being a true strong person is taking the rough with the smooth of this world. Yes yes yes!!! :bunny:
Whatshername Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 I liked that as well, and also the note about comittment meaning that your heart and body belong to your beloved and that when that is what you have the straying won't happen, because you would first be thinking of them, not yourself, and not after the fact of giving in to temptation. No commitment = selfishness and shallowness and lack of depth of heart. He always said he like it that I was REAL. What does that mean, to you, being REAL? He was fake? He never let me in? I had a guy at work tell me today, that one word describes me. Funny, bc really we are only work acquaintances, and he was not hitting on me, he is very happily married. We have shared small snippets of relationship oddities, nothing indepth. He said I am "passionate". Maybe that is why, when I asked the exbf if I was not enough for him(since he went astray), and he said, no, you are "too much". Again....wth? Your idea on that, please.
Author depplover_1980 Posted February 12, 2011 Author Posted February 12, 2011 Midnight, may I just say this other woman will only be 'good enough' for him for a short while and somewhere on her body is a 'use by date' to which he will toss her aside for somebody else the minute she wants too much from him, or starts to see him for who he REALLY is, like you are starting to now.....the below may also be relevant to you... Becky - I actually believe you were 'too much' for him. Too much intelligence to see through his facade, too much love to challenge his heart and too much hammer to smash his wall down. So men with commitment and intimacy problems run from what is effectively a sensory overload.
Ajax Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 So men with commitment and intimacy problems run from what is effectively a sensory overload. I think a more accurate word would be "people."
Author depplover_1980 Posted February 12, 2011 Author Posted February 12, 2011 I think a more accurate word would be "people." Ajax I am the first for true equality, but we are a bunch of women in this thread discussing the men with know. Thanks for your overwhelming input though, I can sleep well tonight.
loveforever Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 I am guilty.... I'm desperate to get my ex-husband back because he's the greatest guy I know and despite the sh*tty way our marriage ended, he's a very good guy....just turned selfish after 45 years of being selfless..... Anyway....there are kids involved here too, so I guess that's why I am so pathetically trying.... I wish I had some balls to just be done....but I don't .... Guilty as charged.....
Author depplover_1980 Posted February 12, 2011 Author Posted February 12, 2011 Loveforever, I was not referring to everyone that is going through a break up but the instances where people have been cheated on,or left for someone else, or their partner ended it harshly with no explanation. These are the instances when NO ONE should be begging, pleading etc - and these are the times people have to look within and see that they are better than the other person.
loveforever Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 Loveforever, I was not referring to everyone that is going through a break up but the instances where people have been cheated on,or left for someone else, or their partner ended it harshly with no explanation. These are the instances when NO ONE should be begging, pleading etc - and these are the times people have to look within and see that they are better than the other person. I understood your post and if you'd hear my story you would say I fit in this category.... My ex-husband went from "I miss you-I love you" phone calls in July to asking for a divorce Labor Day weekend to actually being divorced by January.... I never saw it coming even though I knew about the problems.....just never expected him to leave me for that... Well...technically we're still kinda together...we live together.... It's a long story.....LONG.....twisted.... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3244726&postcount=7 If you're ever bored ........
MidnightinMadrid Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 (edited) Midnight, may I just say this other woman will only be 'good enough' for him for a short while and somewhere on her body is a 'use by date' to which he will toss her aside for somebody else the minute she wants too much from him, or starts to see him for who he REALLY is, like you are starting to now.....the below may also be relevant to you... Haha,his puta-gal more than likely already had a used and expired date on her before they dated. He's been with her for a coupla years now,(but whose counting) plus, he acts as if he's soooo committed to her,yeah, just as he was 'committed' to his ex-wife. I agree its only temporary. The way he treated his X,(Cheated like crazy) and the callous way he treated me,it wont be a suprise if she gets hers one day. Now that she believes she's the sole victor who can turn a player around.. I really appreciate your support,just needed to hear that:) I notice many responders here are also married women whose going thru hell and back,Becky,loveforever.I wish I can find a heart for you all but perhaps is just as good. Please hang in there!! Edited February 13, 2011 by MidnightinMadrid
reknown29 Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 I would say that most people on this board have some degree of low self esteem or they would have moved on from their ex. Hopefully, most of these people are taking action to improve esteem. I don't think there is any one answer to describe why someones heart turned off. Its just a fact of life. Nothing is certain. Things are in a constant state of flux. It could be upbringing, it could be fear of commitment, it could be external pressure (eg. another member of the opposite sex), it could be you are not what you were made up to be, etc, etc, etc. The important thing is to move on like the title of this thread suggests. Get some self esteem and venture out again into the world. You are good enough for someone if you are good enough for yourself. The person you thought reciprocated your love is gone. It sucks, but it aint the end of the world. If you really loved them you would let them go but thats usually not the case. Its really our egos that are hurting and/ or the inability to feel valuable enough for someone else.
Author depplover_1980 Posted February 13, 2011 Author Posted February 13, 2011 I understood your post and if you'd hear my story you would say I fit in this category.... My ex-husband went from "I miss you-I love you" phone calls in July to asking for a divorce Labor Day weekend to actually being divorced by January.... I never saw it coming even though I knew about the problems.....just never expected him to leave me for that... Well...technically we're still kinda together...we live together.... It's a long story.....LONG.....twisted.... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3244726&postcount=7 If you're ever bored ........ Loveforever, I have saved it in my favs to read tomorrow and I will post on that thread,or here if you prefer?
Coolsbreeze Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Hi all, Now I may sound harsh for a moment with this but some of you posters will see that I do care and post as often as I can. I am also in the same boat as many of you in terms of feeling dreadful right now. BUT... What is with this low self esteem and patheticness sometimes. At least half of the break up stories on here contain dumpers that have been AWFUL to you - infact I sometimes am baffled by how cruel humans can be and there is no end to the surprise of how people can let you down. Never truly believe in anyone but yourself. Anyway I find it nerving to read people desperate to contact these people, dedicate songs to them, to win them back. Why on earth would you want someone who thinks so little of your feelings, cares so little of your emotional welfare back? The people who are the victims of harsh dumpings need to dig in deep, clear your eyes and see the truth. That is that this person would have to now prove they are GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU! Not the other way round!!! xxx I honestly wish I felt this way, but in reality I don't. I still need to learn to get to the point of actually raising my self esteem again. My ex dumped me and said we were different, I never thought so. And a week later was in a relationship with another guy, whom she met while being involved with me. Suffice to say I was deeply hurt by the experience. And for the first few months of the breakup it made me feel like I wasn't good enough for her and that I didn't do enough for her. It made me feel like garbage, especially when I treated her like a woman I truly cared about and loved with all my heart. I was always there to listen to her problems, when she wanted to talk to me. Even after 5 months after the breakup i can still feel mad over the whole thing. Especially after i asked her if she had feelings for anybody else when we broke up and she said no, she clearly lied to my face and showing no respect to me. I look back and see that reconciliation is not at all possible because she destroyed my trust in her. She clearly thought that I wasn't good enough for her then I need to start thinking that she isn't good enough for me.
Whatshername Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 (edited) Becky - I actually believe you were 'too much' for him. Too much intelligence to see through his facade, too much love to challenge his heart and too much hammer to smash his wall down. So men with commitment and intimacy problems run from what is effectively a sensory overload. Depp.......... SO, how in the future do I spot the red flags that say they are emotionally unavailable/and afraid of intimacy. I am sure I COULD list some, but want your take on this. Is being "too much" a red flag for men? lol. I have dated men who absolutely no holds barred stated that they loved this about me. Unfortunately they were not good matches. I guess I am a full on person, cellophane, talk a lot. I know me errors, in other words, areas of personal improvement (listening skills, etc) that I need to work on. The average person can deal, but with the N, he held it in, and used it as his hole card, so to speak whenever we hit conflict. Pretty low, ya think? To me, if my faults were dealbreakers, why stay 4.5 years? I broke NC and sent him this V Day card I saw. For him to give me...hahaha I stated this on a note. Don't beat me, I had to, bc it was TOO FUNNY to pass up. It said, Honey, we have been together so long, we overlook one another's faults. (Inside) If I ever develop any, I'll let you know. Coolsbreeze.........THAT is exactly right. You know, in your heart that keeping things from your significant other is disrespectful and deceptive. Do not say you were not good enough for her. She did not deserve you, because she broke your trust. A person who lets you think you are the one, and allows themselves to be pulled emotionally, mentally, and /or physically away to become involved with another does not deserve to be loved unconditionally. Edited February 13, 2011 by Whatshername
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