depplover_1980 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Hi all, Now I may sound harsh for a moment with this but some of you posters will see that I do care and post as often as I can. I am also in the same boat as many of you in terms of feeling dreadful right now. BUT... What is with this low self esteem and patheticness sometimes. At least half of the break up stories on here contain dumpers that have been AWFUL to you - infact I sometimes am baffled by how cruel humans can be and there is no end to the surprise of how people can let you down. Never truly believe in anyone but yourself. Anyway I find it nerving to read people desperate to contact these people, dedicate songs to them, to win them back. Why on earth would you want someone who thinks so little of your feelings, cares so little of your emotional welfare back? The people who are the victims of harsh dumpings need to dig in deep, clear your eyes and see the truth. That is that this person would have to now prove they are GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU! Not the other way round!!! xxx
Movingthrough Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Hi all, Now I may sound harsh for a moment with this but some of you posters will see that I do care and post as often as I can. I am also in the same boat as many of you in terms of feeling dreadful right now. BUT... What is with this low self esteem and patheticness sometimes. At least half of the break up stories on here contain dumpers that have been AWFUL to you - infact I sometimes am baffled by how cruel humans can be and there is no end to the surprise of how people can let you down. Never truly believe in anyone but yourself. Anyway I find it nerving to read people desperate to contact these people, dedicate songs to them, to win them back. Why on earth would you want someone who thinks so little of your feelings, cares so little of your emotional welfare back? The people who are the victims of harsh dumpings need to dig in deep, clear your eyes and see the truth. That is that this person would have to now prove they are GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU! Not the other way round!!! xxx I see your point, and im also guilty of it too (not doing it now thats for sure). But this also is the million dollar question, a lot of people on here will post like you said above, but wonder "why" they still have the feelings. Obviously we could debate it all day but i think emotions are what make us feel that way. Very few people on here actually want to feel like ****, but that un know "want" to still be with them is the hardest part to kick. Dont get me wrong, i know what you mean, some of the stuff i read on here i find myself almost yelling at my screen lol. I do think like you said that self esteem and confidence are the first things to go when a break up happens.
Author depplover_1980 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 The emotions are hard to control but the behaviour of trying to contact someone who blatantly has no respect for you IS controllable.
GreenPolicy Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 The emotions are hard to control but the behaviour of trying to contact someone who blatantly has no respect for you IS controllable. Emotionally you want to go back to what you had. But you know I never begged or pleaded with my ex to take me back after she treated me bad. I broke NC a couple of weeks after the breakup to suggest couples counseling, but I will not be friends with or beg and plead to get back together with somebody who dropped me like garbage.
Author depplover_1980 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 Emotionally you want to go back to what you had. But you know I never begged or pleaded with my ex to take me back after she treated me bad. I broke NC a couple of weeks after the breakup to suggest couples counseling, but I will not be friends with or beg and plead to get back together with somebody who dropped me like garbage. Well it's the emotional equivalant of being asleep in a warm cosy bed and being thrown outside on the concrete with a holey blanket!!
GreenPolicy Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Well it's the emotional equivalant of being asleep in a warm cosy bed and being thrown outside on the concrete with a holey blanket!! That's a good analogy.
makelemonade1974 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Amen sistah! I am guilty of letting a guy walk all over me as well. It is NOT worth it. I think people get so busy that they forget to nourish their self-esteem, to take care of themselves first, and to be comfortable just being alone. The more I isolate myself these days, the more I feel like I don't NEED a man. I'm able to make myself happy. Yes, people that treat you horribly are not worth your time. But I can see how when you love someone, it's often unconditional, and you think you can somehow "explain away" their bad behavior. The truth is, you can't. You can forgive them (eventually), but you have to set boundaries in your life so people can't do things like that to you. Of course, I need to practice what I'm preaching here. It's easier said than done. Self-esteem and its reclamation are crucial to healing for so many of us. Thank you for this Depp!
0hpenelope Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Like I've said depp, if I can have a constant supply of your self-esteem and confidence, I'd like some for myself. In all honesty though, I think that the dumpees you speak of are the ones with unresolved insecurity issues and the break-up is a catalyst. It's been discussed before that the ones who have a healthy sense of self-confidence, self-worth, self-respect, etc. are the ones who are able to get back from a break-up much better. I don't think I'm as confident as I want to be and I'm working on that, but I do know that I'm not going to force myself on someone who doesn't want me. Going through the grieving process is tough enough and I will not give him the satisfaction of seeing me like this. He wants his space? He can take it. I don't want to know, what he does don't matter, and I will not care in time. I understand it's nerving to you, but for myself, I sympathize with them. Most of the dumpees on here will choose to learn the lessons the hard way. Experience is the most effective teacher, after all. So happy to have you around the boards, depp! Love your confident attitude, as always. Good role model.
Author depplover_1980 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 You are so fab Penelope, thank you very much. I rub some people up the wrong way sometimes but I speak honestly and from the heart. It has taken YEARS, 10 years infact of counselling to be in this position. I have been the most pathetic person in the world at times (well nearly and I look back now and see my errors so clearly. But I am a big believer in everyone learning for themselves, but occasionally pep talks can steer you in the right direction.
Author depplover_1980 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 Amen sistah! I am guilty of letting a guy walk all over me as well. It is NOT worth it. I think people get so busy that they forget to nourish their self-esteem, to take care of themselves first, and to be comfortable just being alone. The more I isolate myself these days, the more I feel like I don't NEED a man. I'm able to make myself happy. Yes, people that treat you horribly are not worth your time. But I can see how when you love someone, it's often unconditional, and you think you can somehow "explain away" their bad behavior. The truth is, you can't. You can forgive them (eventually), but you have to set boundaries in your life so people can't do things like that to you. Of course, I need to practice what I'm preaching here. It's easier said than done. Self-esteem and its reclamation are crucial to healing for so many of us. Thank you for this Depp! You are wonderful Lemonade, very strong and you have come to your own conclusions about what you need to to get through this and now it is all falling into place. You will be considerably happier even 2 months from now I can just tell.
usagi Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 At the risk of getting involved in the 'sista' love and 'grrrl power' that's been involved in the last three posts I do have to say; Depplover...I couldn't agree more. This site is great at supporting and brilliant to share when you feel low and ask when you have some questions...but some people really do need to raise their self worth and take a few more moments to think about why they feel so undeserving of common human civics and respect. Everyone here has been hurt, some of us take it harder than others, but at the end of the day it's always yourself you're going to have to live with and if you don't like who you are then take the time to become what you like rather than what you THINK some ex wants you to be. Depplover you're posts are always an inspiration and while I'm sorry for your hurt I feel that the pain that drove you here will actually benefit a lot of people...a small bonus, but a bonus none the less.
Author depplover_1980 Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 I will begin training towards the end of the year to be a counsellor so such feedback is very positive. Though I currently want to specialise in addiction I may be drawn to other areas. Good post yourself Usagi. x
Div Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Wonderful, reading this post has put a whole new perspective on the situation. Thanks for sharing and I am sure you will make a great counselor
Whatshername Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Great post. I have never thought of myself as having low self-esteem, but wanting to take a man back who treated me badly...............surely points to being a"doormat". I know I have deluded myself on occasion, trying to justify my actions.......sort of pathetic at times. I knew I deserved better, wanted better, wanted to get out and eventually FIND better, but my love ran deep......4 years of loving and wanting a future together, even counting down together( he helped me be delusional). I tell myself that in order for him to have treated me as he did, he could NOT have loved me. I think it was all a major deception, lies and he had me on weekends 90 miles away and he was free all week. Not that he was cheating, he wasn't, but he also had all that time to himself. He never wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, but letting me think he did was my ever dangled carrot. So, tell me, what IS it, do we think we really will prove ourselves so they will realize how lucky they are? Do we want them bc they are a challenge, or because they remain elusive to commitment? I do know I deserve to be treated with respect. I want a man (someday) who cherishes me, respects me, loves me and can prefer me over himself at times, as I would him. I am thankful for all of you. I know I am a bit raw in the emotional dept and may come across selfish bc I am relating back to my lost love, but I do glean so much from each of your experiences and in sharing your pain, trials, triumphs, etc. I finally felt yesterday, for the first time, that I have let him go. I do not want to wonder if he is with her, or if he misses me. He does not deserve any more of my time or thoughts. I want a new life and I am going for it. I am being good to myself and my loved ones. Happy Valentines Day to all single women. God loves us all!
D78 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 ...So, tell me, what IS it, do we think we really will prove ourselves so they will realize how lucky they are? Do we want them bc they are a challenge, or because they remain elusive to commitment? I do know I deserve to be treated with respect. I want a man (someday) who cherishes me, respects me, loves me and can prefer me over himself at times, as I would him. You want what you had at one time, and refuse to accept that the person you loved is gone. At least that's how it was with me. I didn't want the jerk who broke up with me; I wanted his predecessor. ...I finally felt yesterday, for the first time, that I have let him go. I do not want to wonder if he is with her, or if he misses me. He does not deserve any more of my time or thoughts. I want a new life and I am going for it. I am being good to myself and my loved ones. Isn't that a great day? Happy Valentines Day to all single women. and single men, too!
JasonRules Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 I have observed this as well in some of the posts made. There seems to be an overwhelming desire on the dumpees part to excuse the crappy treatment and disrespect they have been receiving at the hands of their exes. It's usually along the lines "He/She has been going through...x" or "They went through a bad childhood...". Being sad for a breakup is one thing. Allowing someone to treat you like garbage is another. Remember, if you don't respect yourself first then no one else will respect you.
Author depplover_1980 Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 So, tell me, what IS it, do we think we really will prove ourselves so they will realize how lucky they are? Do we want them bc they are a challenge, or because they remain elusive to commitment? You have answered your own question here as these are thoughts that immediately sprung to your mind. The guy I was seeing and recently split from is indeed the biggest challenge I have ever met in my life. I consider myself an advanced person on emotional and psychological levels and this guy is my nemesis and I say IS because I believe I am currently embroiled in a NC war with him, which sadly will result in the complete demise of our relationship. Also we search for reaffirmation that we are desirable, lovable and yes they are lucky to have us, but what you are discovering now is that is must come from within and for yourself. Some people never learn it and go through life from one relationship to another seeking the approval of others to confirm how attractive, appealing or wanted they are as a person. If you are on here posting, the chances are you know that's not enough and seek answers which is the food and substance for at least the beginning of a personal journey. You sound like your frame of mind is becoming healthier by the minute. x
Whatshername Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Yes, Happy Valentine's Day to all who have a heart that can love again! How's that? It was a great day and is a great day again today. I am proud of myself, because awhile back I had bought him a Valentine's card and was so determined to mail it, telling myself some sort of bs that...........you know, all of the things we say to appease why it's ok to boost their stupid egos at our expense. I am NOT mailing it. I do not want him to have one and if that "other woman" sends him one... FINE, that is all he will get. He will be expecting one, as I am a card person, but none will be arriving from this "mail lady". As for wondering what he is doing...............I am not gonna let myself go there, AT ALL!!! Who gives a crap? He had the best Valentine and didn't deserve me, so it's kind of moot. My daughter asked me if I have plans (ROFLMAO) and she is planning something creative for us and I am really looking forward to it. OMG Depp, doing that would be so FUN, to do what you thought about doing...... but what if we end up in a brawl? Maybe after I Crossfit for a year and can kick some serious butt!
Whatshername Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Just a FYI........I was married for 24 years, and in the end, he had SERIOUS N traits. I seriously think he had them all along but was holding everything in. and when it came out, it was UGLY. Me? I am cellophane and eventually people who keep things in don't like that about me, bc they cannot be like me and they want to be. Does that make sense to you? They can't though. I was majorly rejected in my marriage and tried hard to make it work. No avail. I pushed he pulled away, he drank, yadayadayada. Horrible verbal and amotional abuse. I think, the whole thing is, I went straight into this 4.5 year relationship. My marriage was over 2 years before the D was final. He was overseas and I dated a bit while separated, and that is when I met this exbf. The D was final right after we met, but I never allowed myself the time to heal ALONE. I hated being alone and thought I still did. I now see it as a healing place. Find me. Know me. Love me. Yes!
Author depplover_1980 Posted February 11, 2011 Author Posted February 11, 2011 I have posted on another thread to a woman who had come out of a marriage and into a new relationship and what she risks is what happened to you. Though I have not been married I did have a 7 year relationship, which when ended I was only single for 4 months before going head first into something else, with so many implications. This person I am now is only as a result of that second break up where I ended up grieving BOTH relationships and without realising it, that is what has probably happened to yourself, not the people but the lost dreams and future. It takes a good year to recompose I think, go through all the seasons again alone, be strong and grow. You and your daughter should have a great time for VT. I am going with my dad to see a rock band, he brought us tickets tonight.
MidnightinMadrid Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 (edited) At the risk of getting involved in the 'sista' love and 'grrrl power' that's been involved in the last three posts I do have to say; Depplover...I couldn't agree more. This site is great at supporting and brilliant to share when you feel low and ask when you have some questions...but some people really do need to raise their self worth and take a few more moments to think about why they feel so undeserving of common human civics and respect. Everyone here has been hurt, some of us take it harder than others, but at the end of the day it's always yourself you're going to have to live with and if you don't like who you are then take the time to become what you like rather than what you THINK some ex wants you to be. Depplover you're posts are always an inspiration and while I'm sorry for your hurt I feel that the pain that drove you here will actually benefit a lot of people...a small bonus, but a bonus none the less. I think that took a bite out of the apple because it describes me very accurately. I'm over here pining and wondring if a guy who obviously has little respect and does not care for me one bit,wondring if i'll ever hear from him after he ignored my last attempt to contact him. Self-esteem does have alot to do with it especially If you never really had a good relationship. I suspect most people here on LS who has been dumped probably have the same problem or why would we all be posting on a site such as this. I'm thinkiing if people had true support,whether its a trusted friend,relative or really, caring and non-judgemental counselor,I dont think LS would have many postings. I also speak of my situation,I dont have close friends,well I recently moved to a new place,I try to reach out to old friends,the ones I have but it is difficult,bc in a way no one wants to be bothered. No I don't bother them about my break-up I am just trying to build a support network. So that havent worked so far and with this social isolation,of course I find myself wondering about a guy who is so not worth it. I bet thats the problem that may happen to most people here,and that maybe one of the reasons they struggle with letting go of exes who were obviously unpleasant to them-lack of real support. When you don't have that,have no one to turn to,it surely doesnt help with self-esteem,its like my ex doesnt want me,I really have nothing to move on to. I want to say that I am not speaking for everyone,however with me thats more of the reason why I stil pine for him (ick I hate that word pine) When my ex friend was involved in a break-up I was so there for him,sort of like 24 hour on call support he couldnt get with anyone. Once he started feeling better and moving on with his life,basically he said couldnt have done it without me,he started treating me in term,like I wasnt good enough for him. Hence the ignoring,the lack of respect. Here I am still wondering If i'm good enough to hear from him? I wish I had someone here for me,not expecting 24 hour support,but it angers me that he gets to move on while i'm stuck. Just explaining my story,and take on why posters may have low self-esteem. Edited February 12, 2011 by MidnightinMadrid
Author depplover_1980 Posted February 12, 2011 Author Posted February 12, 2011 Midnight, hello. x Well re-read what you have just written a few times. Do you see that by identifying your own reasons it shows that you're already starting to turn. You can see your mistakes with your behaviours and rationalise why you felt that way. Now I would say try making less excuses still and start seeing the guy in his truer light. Rejection is actually the biggie why we feel so treacherous in these situations, but try to stop seeing that you are not good enough, but that this man does not know what is good for him. If someone is rejecting someone with so much love to give, then they are the ones missing out. All you've lost is someone without the courage to stay with you through thick and thin. Many bail at the sign of real life and being a true strong person is taking the rough with the smooth of this world.
0hpenelope Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 Rejection is actually the biggie why we feel so treacherous in these situations, but try to stop seeing that you are not good enough, but that this man does not know what is good for him. If someone is rejecting someone with so much love to give, then they are the ones missing out. All you've lost is someone without the courage to stay with you through thick and thin. Many bail at the sign of real life and being a true strong person is taking the rough with the smooth of this world. Hey, what's the saying about something worth having doesn't come easy or what? And people giving up too soon because they want what they want and want it now? We'll be back 100% soon enough. I really hope everyone has a happy weekend! I know I will.
Author depplover_1980 Posted February 12, 2011 Author Posted February 12, 2011 Hey, what's the saying about something worth having doesn't come easy or what? And people giving up too soon because they want what they want and want it now? We'll be back 100% soon enough. I really hope everyone has a happy weekend! I know I will. I'll second that girlfriend (high fives Pen).
Whatshername Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 I think that is part of my feeling better. The true realization that in the end, I saw him without the rose-colored glasses, when he really did not care that he had hurt me, refused to acknowledge my hurt, and need for him to show me remorse, and to stop contact with the old gf. Hell he never fully admitted he did anything wrong. He lied right to my face, went out w another woman twice, kissed her, sexted her, who knows how many phone and texting conversations they had. he event texted her while on Thanksgiving vacationw/me at my son's out of state! He joked about private things btwn us with her, and wanted to screw her, but she backed out bc of me. Truth, he is a coward who if he apologized, would have to say what he was sorry for and there was way to much , too many deceptions to start at the beginning. He could not tell me any of those things to my face. All he apologized for was the sexting, which he likened to "passing notes in class". I meant to say first, that I am actually grieving the hope of a life together, my dream of being his wife, and growing old happy together. I imagine it is intertwined with grieving my dissolved marriage with my ex husband, as I have had moments where I get angry at him, because if he had not been so damned selfish and drinking so much, he might have seen how he could have done something on his end to save our marriage, and well, I wouldn't even be dealing with the loss of this relationship. I also am grieving the bf, it almost feels like someone died, but what it is in reality, is the end of believing in someone, who never really existed. That sounds odd, and I will say I was very, very close to this man, as I never, ever was in all of those years with my husband. But to be in a LDR all these years, with the knowledge that I did want to marry, and him knowing he'd never commit, and still staying, loving me, and spending all of our family vacations together, and wow, when it was good, it was really good, really amazing. He just cannot handle conflict resolution, emotions, and I truly think he thinks if he has any negative feelings about anything, something is seriously wrong. Silence instead of discussion. Retreat instead of embrace and facing it. Commitment phobe. So, the man I thought was deep inside, was never there. It was a facade, a pseudo front/a mask that said he was in, but really he was always had one foot out the door. The sick joke was me....."Optional Becky". I was always an option. I grieve the loss of intimacy, but I know, that one day, when the right man comes along, it will encompass the things that make a whole relationship. I also used to think that my ex husband hated me, for being everything his mother wasn't. That thought came to me, way after the divorce. I am tired of thinking about what was, what might be. I want reality. Once, when we were broken up, he drove the 90 miles to see me, but I was not at home. On my porch, under a water bottle, he left a piece of paper he had torn from his mail. It said "you deserve more." That was probably 3.5 years ago. He was right and I gave him 3.5 more years of my life to prove it over and over. No more.
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