Should I stay in contact with her? (Im so lost on whats the right thing to do)

[Tofu]

Heres the full situation in the link, its large but itll give you a full idea of wat my situation currently is:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t264414/

 

Short version would be:

Basically we were in a long distance relationship for 8months before we decided to give things a break yesterday and just stick to being friends for now. She feels that the thought of her not being able to be with me everyday has kept making her feel lonely and hurt, but the thing is were only 1hr away and during our time together we've only had 1 proper date (Seen 2 times but yesterday me visiting to try and sort this out doesnt rly count) and that was a month ago when we both agreed it was the best day of our lives with us just being together... but she felt miserable when i took the train back after that perfect day and she fears that she would have to endure that again if we were to stay together with me coming over regularly and having to go again. Which is why were taking a break from being a couple, but we still stay in contact now like we were just close friends. She says there is definalty a chance we can still get together if the circumstances changed, id assume she means the distance but thats not possible with our duties in life

 

So should i stay in contact with her? She texted me earlier now and i like the fact we still stay close even during this break, it makes me feel like were still a couple but thats not the point of a break is it? I mean the main reason i still think bout this is because i want to get back with her cos i dont want to lose this strong bond that we have, the bond isnt right for just friendship, its true love and we both know thats right for us... sadly cos were so close feelings-wise it has been hurting her that we cant be together all the time due to distance. Right now, should I stay in contact so we still stay close just like really good friends and hopefully she will start thinkin bout reworking our relationship as time goes by when she feels less miserable OR keep my distance and not talk as much as we used to so she starts to miss me?

 

Thanks in advance, i eagerly await your replies

[Movingthrough]

Heres the full situation in the link, its large but itll give you a full idea of wat my situation currently is:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t264414/

 

Short version would be:

Basically we were in a long distance relationship for 8months before we decided to give things a break yesterday and just stick to being friends for now. She feels that the thought of her not being able to be with me everyday has kept making her feel lonely and hurt, but the thing is were only 1hr away and during our time together we've only had 1 proper date (Seen 2 times but yesterday me visiting to try and sort this out doesnt rly count) and that was a month ago when we both agreed it was the best day of our lives with us just being together... but she felt miserable when i took the train back after that perfect day and she fears that she would have to endure that again if we were to stay together with me coming over regularly and having to go again. Which is why were taking a break from being a couple, but we still stay in contact now like we were just close friends. She says there is definalty a chance we can still get together if the circumstances changed, id assume she means the distance but thats not possible with our duties in life

 

So should i stay in contact with her? She texted me earlier now and i like the fact we still stay close even during this break, it makes me feel like were still a couple but thats not the point of a break is it? I mean the main reason i still think bout this is because i want to get back with her cos i dont want to lose this strong bond that we have, the bond isnt right for just friendship, its true love and we both know thats right for us... sadly cos were so close feelings-wise it has been hurting her that we cant be together all the time due to distance. Right now, should I stay in contact so we still stay close just like really good friends and hopefully she will start thinkin bout reworking our relationship as time goes by when she feels less miserable OR keep my distance and not talk as much as we used to so she starts to miss me?

 

Thanks in advance, i eagerly await your replies

 

First off, ive been there, and all the others who will chime in have been there too.

 

Second, you have to break it off. What i have learned from my breakup is the minute its a point of a "break" or ehhh i dont know if this is going to work - you have to disappear. Is it hard as hell? Yep. Did i do it? Nope. Will i next time? Hell yeah.

 

You know the reality just like i do, excuse excuse excuse, i need a break. Thats not good. Who knows if it will work out in the futrue (it could) but right now you need to disappear and show her what its like to not have you around at ALL. Plus, you will get your head straight.

 

Dont do what so many of us did and sit on it, its not saying it will never happen with her again, but right now you have to walk away or you will endure this for months.

 

How do i know? Because i did it, and now even 7 months after, i still have crumbs left over....you dont want that.

[Tofu]

Hmm ive been reading up other peoples cases right now as well and the job of doing NC seems very daunting to me but i know it must be done if we are ever to be back together. Do you really think it would work in my case tho everybody? I just wonder that if i stop complete contact with her sure i can see her worrying about me but will that really make her start considering to try and get together with me again? (Also please read my link to understand the full case, I would be v much grateful and will try to assist you too if youre in a tough relationship status as well)

[gator12]

Tofu there is always the danger that she will not come back. But NC is not a game, it will help you deal with being alone without her since for all intents and purposes you already are. The fact is if it's meant to be she will come back, if it's not then she will not come back but you will know it never would have worked out in the first place.

 

NC is daunting, it is hard, and the key to it is to not answer ANYTHING she may send you along the way until she says "I want to get back together" up until then you have to ignore any crumbs. She dumped you so she needs to know what that means, when she did that she lost you for good and she needs to know that if she ever is to miss you and come back. It's hard but stay strong, it is your best bet right now

 

-Gator

[Tofu]

Tofu there is always the danger that she will not come back. But NC is not a game, it will help you deal with being alone without her since for all intents and purposes you already are. The fact is if it's meant to be she will come back, if it's not then she will not come back but you will know it never would have worked out in the first place.

 

NC is daunting, it is hard, and the key to it is to not answer ANYTHING she may send you along the way until she says "I want to get back together" up until then you have to ignore any crumbs. She dumped you so she needs to know what that means, when she did that she lost you for good and she needs to know that if she ever is to miss you and come back. It's hard but stay strong, it is your best bet right now

 

-Gator

 

Thankyou Gator your advice has opened my eyes alot more now. She said it herself that this relationship would be perfect IF it werent for the distance so we could just see each other anytime, but that just cant be done... and besides she just doesnt understand that 1hr is hardly anything.

 

Right now we do text each other frequently, and this is our 2nd day since we officially called it break and chose to 'stay friends' and she was the one to initiate contact first. Ive decided to give NC a try today and endure it like you said Gator, i expect her to text me later on the day so should i just ignore it completely and leave no explanation as to why ive gotten so quiet all of a sudden? Im sure it would come as quite a shock for her cos we've always texted frequently since the start of our relationship and with me not there i guess it would feel strange for her.

[gator12]

It will be a shock and it will be hard on you. But you cannot falter from it, she will come back if she really wants you back. It;s okay to tell her that you can't be just friends with her, but don't tell her you're doing this to win her back etc. She will message you and say things like

• I miss you
  
• Why are you ignoring me.
  
• Hey, how are you?
  

No matter what they say until it's what you want to hear you have no reason to respond.

 

-Gator

[Tofu]

I understand what i need to do. If she asks why we cant be friends i take it that there should be no reason to respond to her since my reasons are really none of her business

[gator12]

Basically, the simple thing is she threw you away. You can't have a cake and eat it too. Same concept with people, her wants don't matter anymore to be honest. She will goad you and try and trick you into answering, my ex did it too me and it sucked, but now a week after NC after the trick she's back again. Women are curious when it comes to dating and love. But yep, stay strong in your NC. Untill you either move on or she comes back. It will be hard, but we have your back on the site. We've all been there.

 

-Gator

[snug.bunny]

I guess what sticks out for me when reading this thread, is why in the 8 months did you just decide now to go visit her if you only lived an hour away? She was obviously hurt and upset by this and you didn't think to go see her during that time. Could she have gone to see you, did she offer at any point to go to you?

 

It just seems highly unusual for two people who only live an hour away, to not put forth an effort to spend time together in person, in 8 months. It's strange and I dont think pulling back is going to help in this case, you were already absent in person for 8 months so pulling back is just going to reaffirm that you're not a part of her life anymore so then you were before.

[Tofu]

Basically, the simple thing is she threw you away. You can't have a cake and eat it too. Same concept with people, her wants don't matter anymore to be honest. She will goad you and try and trick you into answering, my ex did it too me and it sucked, but now a week after NC after the trick she's back again. Women are curious when it comes to dating and love. But yep, stay strong in your NC. Untill you either move on or she comes back. It will be hard, but we have your back on the site. We've all been there.

 

-Gator

 

She did throw it away, without even taking the next step in our relationship and trying to see if it would work out. She said she put much thought in it already but just didnt want to be hurt anymore, thing is did she even consider my feelings before giving this a break... if she loved me like she sincerely said then she would giv it a try and hang on to see if itll work out. Shes a weird girl but i guess thats wat i love about her, i just hope that our situation will be the same as yours with your gf, mines only 17 so she is still young and wont hav much experience but i can see the curiousity factor affecting her as to wat she will lose in me now... if its a big loss to her that im not around again then she will try and get to me but if she can go on without me then i guess it was nvr meant to be. She has a strong network of friends thats always there to support her tho, i wonder if theyll just encourage her to forget bout me and sway her thoughts once this NC starts. But its her choice in the end, she has to follow wat she feels i guess.

 

I guess what sticks out for me when reading this thread, is why in the 8 months did you just decide now to go visit her if you only lived an hour away? She was obviously hurt and upset by this and you didn't think to go see her during that time. Could she have gone to see you, did she offer at any point to go to you?

 

It just seems highly unusual for two people who only live an hour away, to not put forth an effort to spend time together in person, in 8 months. It's strange and I dont think pulling back is going to help in this case, you were already absent in person for 8 months so pulling back is just going to reaffirm that you're not a part of her life anymore so then you were before.

 

I blame that fully on my fault, i was reluctant and not ready to see her. I knew she wanted to but i just couldnt bring myself to see her cos i feared i wasnt good enough for her, i kept working out and improving my image during that time (its silly but i wanted her to like the real me and i was v self concious then) and when i finally felt ready to see her i knew we were meant to be on that perfect day we saw each other, after that i eagerly started to wanting to see her regularly but the past month of comittments held us bk.

 

It is strange and i regret not meeting sooner and starting this regular thing earlier so she can actually see if this would work out or not. We got together in late June and then finally saw each other 14th Janurary this year (11th Feb was when we agreed this break and met each other 2nd time). I can see what you mean bout NC might not working in this case and it too has been a grain of doubt inside of me. If i remove myself out of her life then i just worry she will forget me and move on, but thats the other path of NC sadly and from wat youre saying doing NC will probs lead to that.

[Poke_Dott]

I had same experience, except the relationship was for 4 years . We stayed 1 year long siatnce and now its been 3 years later since we decided to take that "break" and now its been so painfull ion both of us that it left scars. We both regret it cuz what we had was soo unique and I am still having issues moving on ...so is he.

 

Make a wise decision, and everything can work as long as you give her love and support....and most imp or ALL...COMMUNICATE!

[Tofu]

I had same experience, except the relationship was for 4 years . We stayed 1 year long siatnce and now its been 3 years later since we decided to take that "break" and now its been so painfull ion both of us that it left scars. We both regret it cuz what we had was soo unique and I am still having issues moving on ...so is he.

 

Make a wise decision, and everything can work as long as you give her love and support....and most imp or ALL...COMMUNICATE!

 

Even during this break i should give her love and support as a close friend? I communicated with her last night and it felt like we were still a couple just talking and having a good laugh together, i enjoyed that but NC seems to be the only way for her to win me back if she starts missing the good times. I know she feels strongly about us cos she was crying alot on the phone the night before i came to see her and on the day i arrived she cried during our talk as well because she really didnt want to break up. Instead we called for a break but we nvr really agreed wat would happen during this period only that we would definately get together again if the circumstances changed, i asked wat they were but she said she didnt know (at that point she was very down and cried alot), i assume 1 would be the distance factor but 1hr is nothing and i expect her to accept that when everyone ive spoken to say its not even LDR if its only 1hr

[Tofu]

No text all day and i thought i was expecting her to contact me, guess i should keep sticking to NC even if she hasnt messaged me. Was it a big mistake for me to say it was ok for us to be friends on the day i saw her? (cos i still want us to get bk together) Should i tell her im not willing to be friends now and text her... i know i should probs keep to this NC but thinkin bout her possibly with another guy now is making my heart wrench atm, its 10:15pm... shes usually home by now and online.

[ChOclaTe_BuTToNs]

Long distance relationships are never easy

More temptation to cheat, and I know alot people who have done.

 

From my personal experience, the only long distance relationship Iv ever had was with a guy who used to live near London.

 

I really fell for him, and I know he did too....at first. But you can never be too sure with relationships. Take time to make, but easy to break.

We were together for 2 years, and known him as a friend for 2 years before.

 

While I was with him, used to get asked out by many people, was tempted yeah, but never did because I really wanted to make this work.

I was young lol was living in a fairy tale of happily ever after.

 

But sadly, no happy ending this time round.

 

It depends on the individual really. You both have to want it to work to make it work. Otherwise you or they can end up that bit on the side.....

 

And if you break up with some one. Its pretty hard to stay friends straight after. trust me I know. especially if you were friends before hand.

 

Its best just not to keep contact for a while (a pretty long while) lol

See how it goes.....

 

Btw Hi Im new. If anyone cares

[gator12]

Do you hear yourself, you haen't even started NC yet as far as I'm concerned. You message her and now you're expecting her to text you. Right now you've gotten no where. You will love her and support her and all she will see you as is a really good friend, heck maybe even a best friend. When she threw you away she lost any obligation you had to her as a friend, and she needs to know that. You don't want to be just friends with her, SO DON'T. She isn't texting and you're freaking out, that's because you still love her. As long as you still love her you should be in NC, you cannot be friends with someone you love, it doesn't work like that.

 

Right now she is healing and you are being left at square one, all the while helping her heal. Go into NC, don't answer anything she sends you. Nothing at all until it says "I want to get back together."

 

If you follow this advice you will either move on or she will come back, but I can only give you the advice. You're the one who has to follow it.

 

My ex is slowly coming back precisely because I ignored her, because I showed her I am independent without her. Because she had time to miss me. And while I was in NC I realized alot of the wrongs in the relationship and have changed, and she will see every bit of that change should we get back together. My point is you need to become a ghost right now, no matter how hard it is. You are being stung along and you are not healing at all because of it.

 

Please, listen to my advice

-Gator

[Tofu]

Do you hear yourself, you haen't even started NC yet as far as I'm concerned. You message her and now you're expecting her to text you. Right now you've gotten no where. You will love her and support her and all she will see you as is a really good friend, heck maybe even a best friend. When she threw you away she lost any obligation you had to her as a friend, and she needs to know that. You don't want to be just friends with her, SO DON'T. She isn't texting and you're freaking out, that's because you still love her. As long as you still love her you should be in NC, you cannot be friends with someone you love, it doesn't work like that.

 

Right now she is healing and you are being left at square one, all the while helping her heal. Go into NC, don't answer anything she sends you. Nothing at all until it says "I want to get back together."

 

If you follow this advice you will either move on or she will come back, but I can only give you the advice. You're the one who has to follow it.

 

My ex is slowly coming back precisely because I ignored her, because I showed her I am independent without her. Because she had time to miss me. And while I was in NC I realized alot of the wrongs in the relationship and have changed, and she will see every bit of that change should we get back together. My point is you need to become a ghost right now, no matter how hard it is. You are being stung along and you are not healing at all because of it.

 

Please, listen to my advice

-Gator

 

I know, I know sorry Gator. I havent done anything yet, just been been overthinking things by myself which isnt helping me get anywhere. Thanks tho i needed that wake up call, but yeh i dont want to be friends which is why ive hung on all day without giving her a single text... its just that we said we could still be friends on the day we talked bout our relationship and i just worry that might have had an serious impact on this NC by her healing faster cos she still probs thinks were friends.

 

And i will follow every word of your advice Gator, just need you to guide me is all. Thanks for being here for me mate, it really means alot even if we are just strangers on the internet. You really are a good man.

[snug.bunny]

I blame that fully on my fault, i was reluctant and not ready to see her. I knew she wanted to but i just couldnt bring myself to see her cos i feared i wasnt good enough for her, i kept working out and improving my image during that time (its silly but i wanted her to like the real me and i was v self concious then) and when i finally felt ready to see her i knew we were meant to be on that perfect day we saw each other, after that i eagerly started to wanting to see her regularly but the past month of comittments held us bk.

 

It is strange and i regret not meeting sooner and starting this regular thing earlier so she can actually see if this would work out or not. We got together in late June and then finally saw each other 14th Janurary this year (11th Feb was when we agreed this break and met each other 2nd time). I can see what you mean bout NC might not working in this case and it too has been a grain of doubt inside of me. If i remove myself out of her life then i just worry she will forget me and move on, but thats the other path of NC sadly and from wat youre saying doing NC will probs lead to that.

 

Your reluctance caused neglect. If you were reluctant to be together in person for eight months all the while fully knowing she wanted to be with you, then you are the one who strung her along sadly. I'm sure you didn't realize it or do it intentionally but realize that is how it comes across.

 

Everyone says no contact because that is general advice that is given across the board but what people fail to realize is that each relationship is different and it depends on the dynamic itself as to which road to take.

 

She wanted to put forth the effort and spend time with you, sadly you didn't. Now you do, because she couldn't take it anymore and wants out. You will have to show her you are serious about her and that she is just not some phone friend that you've kept at bay for 8 months while only living an hour apart.

[gator12]

I don't preach nc because everyone says it. It's because it is the only thing that makes sense in most breakups. Most actions tend to push girls away, and she clearly said that she wanted to be only friends so you just have to take her word for it and assume she isn't lying. At this point he can do every gesture in the book, but being met with negative results you eventually have to stop. The fact is nobody can change in a week or two, they need time apart, sure he can be the one to initiate contact again if he follows your advice, but only after he's had time to really fix his behavior. Time is essential for a second chance to really even have a chance. Which is why I advise NC

 

-Gator

[Tofu]

She wanted to put forth the effort and spend time with you, sadly you didn't. Now you do, because she couldn't take it anymore and wants out. You will have to show her you are serious about her and that she is just not some phone friend that you've kept at bay for 8 months while only living an hour apart.

 

Not completely true, it was me who brought forth the idea of spending time together. Not once has she ever asked to see me or meet up, it has always been me to initiate the question of wanting to meet up... she isnt a high in confidence girl at all but i wouldve liked her to at least made a suggestion at least once.

 

What do you suggest I can do to take her off my mind? Ive removed pretty much every reminder that i hav of her in my room, deleted songs we loved together, even the necklace she gave me when we first met. I can see facebook will be tough to look at in the future for me as well, would you suggest me removing her from my friends?

[snug.bunny]

Not completely true, it was me who brought forth the idea of spending time together. Not once has she ever asked to see me or meet up, it has always been me to initiate the question of wanting to meet up... she isnt a high in confidence girl at all but i wouldve liked her to at least made a suggestion at least once.

 

What do you suggest I can do to take her off my mind? Ive removed pretty much every reminder that i hav of her in my room, deleted songs we loved together, even the necklace she gave me when we first met. I can see facebook will be tough to look at in the future for me as well, would you suggest me removing her from my friends?

I thought you said otherwise in an earlier post......

 

I blame that fully on my fault, i was reluctant and not ready to see her. I knew she wanted to but i just couldnt bring myself to see her cos i feared i wasnt good enough for her, i kept working out and improving my image during that time (its silly but i wanted her to like the real me and i was v self concious then) and when i finally felt ready to see her i knew we were meant to be on that perfect day we saw each other, after that i eagerly started to wanting to see her regularly but the past month of comittments held us bk.

Now you are saying it was the other way around?

 

I think it would be helpful if you could figure out which it is first (meaning what it was in your view that led up to the break up) and then we can better help you and provide proper advice once we know what the actual facts are.

[gator12]

Well don't initiate anymore. You need to be a ghost, I cannot stress that enough. It doesn't matter what her nature is, she will come back if she really loves you. But as for you getting her off of your mind, the easiest way is to avoid being alone as much as possible, in any way you can. I can't give better advice than that. It's okay to think about the relationship with the motive of fixing things you did wrong, but know that you are not at fault for everything, it's a two way street.

 

Facebook, I don't think you need to delete her off of facebook unless you want too, maybe block her or her feed actually from your home page that way you don't know what she's up too and are less tempted to look. You need to do this, you need to heal, and move on. Work on the issues in the relationship that were your fault and recognize the others. If she really loves you she will miss you and she will come back, I promise you that.

 

stay strong

-Gator

[snug.bunny]

I don't preach nc because everyone says it. It's because it is the only thing that makes sense in most breakups. Most actions tend to push girls away, and she clearly said that she wanted to be only friends so you just have to take her word for it and assume she isn't lying. At this point he can do every gesture in the book, but being met with negative results you eventually have to stop. The fact is nobody can change in a week or two, they need time apart, sure he can be the one to initiate contact again if he follows your advice, but only after he's had time to really fix his behavior. Time is essential for a second chance to really even have a chance. Which is why I advise NC

 

-Gator

 

I agree with no contact to a degree but I think in this case it may be slightly different, it doesn't seem as though they were actually in a relationship except for phone contact for 8 months and 1 date 7-8 months in. So its not like one or the other felt smothered, had constant arguments, things of that nature. It seems like the OP's relationship with this girl never really came to fruition. So it's hard to say what will work in this case, but I do agree, that he (and she) both need time to figure out what it is they truly want.

[gator12]

Yea, that's what I think too, they need some time apart to think. If no issues get fixed the second time they will fail because of them. Idk, NC is good for a time in this situation, maybe not extenseive like in most situations, but for some contemplation definitly.

 

-Gator

[Tofu]

I think it would be helpful if you could figure out which it is first (meaning what it was in your view that led up to the break up) and then we can better help you and provide proper advice once we know what the actual facts are.

 

Basically we talked about meeting up around mid point of us being together, during November and onwards we did plan twice during that time to see each other but illness on both sides stopped us from seeing during those winter times. She wanted me to come anyway when she was not well but i insisted she needed to rest up and get better 1st. I didnt feel ready during those times we planned but wanted to give it a go anyway and see if this LDR would work since she seemed keen to see me as well. If it wasnt for the reluctance to see her i would have tried again and again to meet her but i wasnt confident with the real me so only tried twice in the space of 2 months which both ended up in either of us getting sick.

 

You got it exactly right bout this relationship nvr came to fruition, thats why i wanted us to give it a real try and be a true couple instead of just hiding behind a phone or computer... we were both tired of that but she just insisted she couldnt go on in this relationship due to distance and the fear of seeing me leave again like in our 1st date. Right i know being invisible to her is vital and itll probs give her some thinking time as to why giving this a break is wrong. Like ppl hav said time and time again, 1hr is nothing. All i really want is for us to take the next step in being a couple and regularly see each other but she insisted she couldnt do it... for now without me around i just hope she reconsiders.

[snug.bunny]

Basically we talked about meeting up around mid point of us being together, during November and onwards we did plan twice during that time to see each other but illness on both sides stopped us from seeing during those winter times. She wanted me to come anyway when she was not well but i insisted she needed to rest up and get better 1st. I didnt feel ready during those times we planned but wanted to give it a go anyway and see if this LDR would work since she seemed keen to see me as well. If it wasnt for the reluctance to see her i would have tried again and again to meet her but i wasnt confident with the real me so only tried twice in the space of 2 months which both ended up in either of us getting sick.

 

You got it exactly right bout this relationship nvr came to fruition, thats why i wanted us to give it a real try and be a true couple instead of just hiding behind a phone or computer... we were both tired of that but she just insisted she couldnt go on in this relationship due to distance and the fear of seeing me leave again like in our 1st date. Right i know being invisible to her is vital and itll probs give her some thinking time as to why giving this a break is wrong. Like ppl hav said time and time again, 1hr is nothing. All i really want is for us to take the next step in being a couple and regularly see each other but she insisted she couldnt do it... for now without me around i just hope she reconsiders.

 

Now it was an illness that kept you two apart.... What's next, you had to take a trip to the moon for 4 months?

 

I think after some time has passed you will have to court her back again, in a way that she cannot imagine a life without you in it. If there is still an attraction there on some level....you can build off of that...but not by playing games or trying to make her jealous on purpose because that WILL backfire (plus that's not the type of foundation you want to lay down and build off of - IE...jealousy, insecurity, mistrust, etc.).

 

I'm not sure how it was left between you but I would simply let her know that you care about her, that you are genuinely sorry for not putting forth more of an effort in spending time with her, and that you hope after some time has passed, you both can meet up for a bite to eat or something, no pressure. If she agrees then YOU make the arrangements, offer to pick her up, whatever it takes. I think that's a starting point.