2sunny Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 looks like he was going about it differently than you were. since your expectations are different than his - it's best that you did end it... looks like he's a player... (maybe?) either way - seems he may have been misleading. in the future, it may hurt less if you don't consider sex until you have EVIDENCE that he's all in - and NOT interested in pursuing "others" - that way there is no misunderstanding.
Author MissTiff1124 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 My point exactly. You laid down an ultimatum. And he made his decision. C'est la vie. How exactly is that an ultimatum? I didn't say "you need to choose, other women, or me?" I simply said that I couldn't be with someone that is dating and sleeping with other women. Maybe you should go back and read the definition.
Imajerk17 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 How exactly is that an ultimatum? I didn't say "you need to choose, other women, or me?" I simply said that I couldn't be with someone that is dating and sleeping with other women... ...which means "you need to choose, other women or me". Ultimatum.
GorillaTheater Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 ...which means "you need to choose, other women or me". Ultimatum. Not an ultimatum. He wasn't given a choice.
Author MissTiff1124 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 ...which means "you need to choose, other women or me". Ultimatum. Lol.. that doesn't mean that at all. Letting him know that I'm not going to be with someone that is with other women is not giving an ultimatum. Like I said, I didn't make him choose, I didn't say either them or me, I just said that I couldnt be with someone that dates others. That's it.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Not an ultimatum. He wasn't given a choice. Oh GT, very good point!
Jazzari Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Not an ultimatum. He wasn't given a choice. Yes, it was an ultimatum. If he had told her that he would drop all the other women, they would be together now. It was very well understood, I'm sure.
Imajerk17 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Lol.. that doesn't mean that at all. Letting him know that I'm not going to be with someone that is with other women is not giving an ultimatum. Like I said, I didn't make him choose, I didn't say either them or me, I just said that I couldnt be with someone that dates others. That's it. So you basically told him you couldn't be with him. That's even worse! I mean, what was he supposed to say?
GorillaTheater Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Yes, it was an ultimatum. If he had told her that he would drop all the other women, they would be together now. May or may not be true, but I'll let the OP speak for herself on this. It was very well understood, I'm sure. Sure. Assumptions like that are what put the OP in this situation in the first place. Would it kill people to have a simple conversation about expectations?
Nexus One Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I don't see why there should even be a discussion about this. If he explained to her from the get-go he was multi-dating, then she wouldn't have been surprised and wouldn't have felt cheated and wouldn't have reacted the way she did. I've asked the question multiple times in this thread and other threads about the same topic. Why not simply be upfront about the fact you're multi-dating to the person you're dating with? That would solve multiple problems and prevent future negative scenarios. I don't see the need to keep the other person in the dark about it for any period of time. OP starting this very thread and describing the situation is one of the very reasons why I think people should be upfront about it. Not telling simply creates problems.
Jazzari Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Except my point is why a multi-dater shouldn't mention to the people they're dating that they are in fact multi-dating. Why keep people in the dark about that? I don't really agree with this. When I first met my current SO, I was not dating others but certainly talking and considering other men. Should I have told him that? For what possible reason?? He would probably have thought I was trying to make him jealous or maybe decided I wasn't worth the effort. Fact was, I just didn't know him well enough yet to make a committment. That did happen eventually, and we both agreed to not see others. But before that point, I don't think tellling another person about your other prospects is a good idea. Not if you are honestly looking for a serious relationship. Once you know whether they will or won't make the cut - THEN you can tell them. Not before.
Author MissTiff1124 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 So you basically told him you couldn't be with him. That's even worse! I mean, what was he supposed to say? How is that worse??? So continue to see him, even though he's seeing others and wondering all the time whos hes with, who hes being intimate with..Fk that . Im not going through that. Me and my feelings come before anyone else.
Imajerk17 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I don't really agree with this. When I first met my current SO, I was not dating others but certainly talking and considering other men. Should I have told him that? For what possible reason?? He would probably have thought I was trying to make him jealous or maybe decided I wasn't worth the effort. Fact was, I just didn't know him well enough yet to make a committment. That did happen eventually, and we both agreed to not see others. But before that point, I don't think tellling another person about your other prospects is a good idea. Not if you are honestly looking for a serious relationship. Once you know whether they will or won't make the cut - THEN you can tell them. Not before. Well-said.
Imajerk17 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 How is that worse??? So continue to see him, even though he's seeing others and wondering all the time whos hes with, who hes being intimate with..Fk that . Im not going through that. Me and my feelings come before anyone else. OK good! So what's your question again?
Nexus One Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I don't really agree with this. When I first met my current SO, I was not dating others Except that's not the scenario I was talking about. I was talking about actually dating multiple people.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Except that's not the scenario I was talking about. I was talking about actually dating multiple people. Or quite possibly sleeping with other people.
Author MissTiff1124 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 I don't really agree with this. When I first met my current SO, I was not dating others but certainly talking and considering other men. Should I have told him that? For what possible reason?? He would probably have thought I was trying to make him jealous or maybe decided I wasn't worth the effort. Fact was, I just didn't know him well enough yet to make a committment. That did happen eventually, and we both agreed to not see others. But before that point, I don't think tellling another person about your other prospects is a good idea. Not if you are honestly looking for a serious relationship. Once you know whether they will or won't make the cut - THEN you can tell them. Not before. I understand what you are saying, and I agree to a point. But your first sentence was "I was not dating others". The point is, he was, and I wasn't. and he should have been clear about that from the get-go. That's all I've been trying to say. But to be interested in someone and thinking that YOU are the only one they are seeing, only to find out by reading about thier date with someone else, it's hurtful. That's why I was upset.
Imajerk17 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I understand what you are saying, and I agree to a point. But your first sentence was "I was not dating others". The point is, he was, and I wasn't. and he should have been clear about that from the get-go. That's all I've been trying to say. But to be interested in someone and thinking that YOU are the only one they are seeing, only to find out by reading about thier date with someone else, it's hurtful. That's why I was upset. That's YOUR expectation, and if you keep it, you will be burned time and time again. I tell others whether I am dating other people if and only if (a) they ask, or (b) they "make the cut" to become exclusive. (So whether jazzari was specifically dating others or not at the point she met her current SO is besides the point.) I think that is how most people see it.
Author MissTiff1124 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 Well I appreciate all of your opinions, although some I don't agree with, it did help me to see that even though I may have gone about things the wrong way, I know what I want, and I know what I am looking for. Thanks again guys.
Imajerk17 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 In the future, hold off on sleeping with someone until AFTER you have the "exclusive" talk. Any guy worth keeping around will respect that, and it will save you some of the hurt feelings.
Jazzari Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Except that's not the scenario I was talking about. I was talking about actually dating multiple people. I understand what you are saying, and I agree to a point. But your first sentence was "I was not dating others". The point is, he was, and I wasn't. and he should have been clear about that from the get-go. That's all I've been trying to say. But to be interested in someone and thinking that YOU are the only one they are seeing, only to find out by reading about thier date with someone else, it's hurtful. That's why I was upset.But for all I know, my boyfriend WAS dating other people. We were both still on Match so it's entirely possible. I'm not about to ask. What he did before we had the exclusive talk is not something I want to know. Up to that point, he (and I) were free to date others if we chose. I simply chose not to because I don't multi-date and I was crazy about him. With all that being said, it would have been painful to find out he was dating others. Even though I would have conceeded he had the right. In that, MissTiff you have my full sympthies. I am truly very sorry for your pain.
Imajerk17 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 YES, I feel your pain too. It always hurts when things do not go the way we want them to in dating/relationships. I can empathize.
Author MissTiff1124 Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 YES, I feel your pain too. It always hurts when things do not go the way we want them to in dating/relationships. I can empathize. I appreciate that, and I do know that alot of what has happened reflects alot on my being single and looking for true love again, which maybe I am not ready for just yet. But.. I have to update, and get a few more opinions. So the "guy" contacts me after we haven't talked for a few weeks. Says he wanted to meet up and get a drink and talk. I agree. Seeing him again, was really nice, and I remembered why I liked him as much as I did. We talked, laughed about our silly fight, and all was fine it seemed. I explained to him that I shouldn't have been controlling, and that he has the right to date whoever he wants, since him and I aren't exclusive. He informed me he was not dating, and that once the move was settled and he got everything worked out with his job, he would have more time for me. I was thrilled, and agreed that when that time comes we will figure things out. Fast forward.. in the time we didn't talk, I was back on the dating site, just seeing who was out there. After our talk I went back on, getting ready to delete when who do I come across on the site, yep, him. Stating he was "needing a valentine." I couldn't help but feel a little hurt, I thought things were going good again, and he was ready to be exclusive. The worst part, we were just together the day before Valentine's.. go figure. Is this guy playing me for a fool? Should I just give up and move on? Cause the more I see him, the more I like him..and I feel like Im just setting myself up for heartache.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I appreciate that, and I do know that alot of what has happened reflects alot on my being single and looking for true love again, which maybe I am not ready for just yet. But.. I have to update, and get a few more opinions. So the "guy" contacts me after we haven't talked for a few weeks. Says he wanted to meet up and get a drink and talk. I agree. Seeing him again, was really nice, and I remembered why I liked him as much as I did. We talked, laughed about our silly fight, and all was fine it seemed. I explained to him that I shouldn't have been controlling, and that he has the right to date whoever he wants, since him and I aren't exclusive. He informed me he was not dating, and that once the move was settled and he got everything worked out with his job, he would have more time for me. I was thrilled, and agreed that when that time comes we will figure things out. Fast forward.. in the time we didn't talk, I was back on the dating site, just seeing who was out there. After our talk I went back on, getting ready to delete when who do I come across on the site, yep, him. Stating he was "needing a valentine." I couldn't help but feel a little hurt, I thought things were going good again, and he was ready to be exclusive. The worst part, we were just together the day before Valentine's.. go figure. Is this guy playing me for a fool? Should I just give up and move on? Cause the more I see him, the more I like him..and I feel like Im just setting myself up for heartache. I'm surprised that he denied seeing other people when he had really been seeing other people. I don't know whether I asked you before, but I am asking you now, what do you want? If you don't want to settle for a guy who wants other options, please don't bother with him anymore. The way he's going at things, he'll drag you into an emotional whirlwind when he wants and he's still the only one enjoying things.
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