Nexus One Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Yeah well, good luck with that. I for one am not going to commit to stop dating other women until I know someone a little better than only a couple weeks. Have a "let's see only each other" after only one date and you will get someone like me to run. I think I speak for most eligible guys out there. Do you tell them you're multi-dating or is that something they should just have to assume?
Imajerk17 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Do you tell them you're multi-dating or is that something they should just have to assume? That I/she may be seeing other people? It's something she AND I have to assume, until we actually have "the talk".
xpaperxcutx Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Do you tell them you're multi-dating or is that something they should just have to assume? Ditto and exactly what I want to write. You can't assume everyone's like you and are dating around. In the OP's case, the misunderstanding between her and the guy is the fact that she thought they were both on the same pages, " exclusively" seeing each other even though they weren't in a relationship. Clearly there's a difference. The OP was heading down the road towards an exclusive if they continue to date whereas the guy still stumbled between seeing her and other people. The OP had a right to be mad, if not confrontational and accusing him of " cheating" ( applied in this case to be dating other people).
Nexus One Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 That I/she may be seeing other people? It's something she AND I have to assume, until we actually have "the talk". How much time is there generally before first contact and "the talk", or how many dates for that matter? I mean in your case.
Author MissTiff1124 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 (edited) Okay I am confused? How am I being turned into some needy, desperate, lonely woman here? I simply asked for an opinion on if I was wrong, and after reading some of the posts I realize that Yes, I should have gone about things differently. I didn't go all fatal attraction, killing bunnies and whatnot, I just simply told him that if he wants to date other women, that him and I can't see each other.. plain and simple. I didn't demand he take down the profile either. I understand that he's not gonna jump on the first woman that comes along, and the fact I was married and am now divorced shouldn't make any difference in who or how I choose to date. I have no problem if he wants to date others, just not with me. If I am working on something with someone, I put my effort into the one person, I couldn't handle juggling around different guys until I choose which one I want. It's not fair to either me or them. JMO Edited February 10, 2011 by MissTiff1124 misspelled
Nexus One Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Ditto and exactly what I want to write. You can't assume everyone's like you and are dating around. In the OP's case, the misunderstanding between her and the guy is the fact that she thought they were both on the same pages, " exclusively" seeing each other even though they weren't in a relationship. Clearly there's a difference. The OP was heading down the road towards an exclusive if they continue to date whereas the guy still stumbled between seeing her and other people. The OP had a right to be mad, if not confrontational and accusing him of " cheating" ( applied in this case to be dating other people). I still don't like it. For exactly the reasons I mentioned. People who are new to internet dating are going to be surprised and will feel cheated. Experienced internet daters will have to assume the worst. It's skewed in my opinion. I don't see why one shouldn't be upfront about this, either in the dating profile or on the first date. (better even in the dating profile)
Ay Diesel T Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Okay I am confused? How am I being turned into some needy, desperate, lonely woman here? I simply asked for an opinion on if I was wrong, and after reading some of the posts I realize that Yes, I should have gone about things differently. I didn't go all fatal attraction, killing bunnies and whatnot, I just simply told him that if he wants to date other women, that him and I can't see each other.. plain and simple. I didn't demand he take down the profile either. I understand that he's not gonna jump on the first woman that comes along, and the fact I was married and am now divorced shouldn't make any difference in who or how I choose to date. I have no problem if he wants to date others, just not with me. If I am working on something with someone, I put my effort into the one person, I couldn't handle juggling around different guys until I choose which one I want. It's not fair to either me or them. JMO Nothing wrong with that, just don't succumb to being a Feminazi, like some women on this board are.
Imajerk17 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Ditto and exactly what I want to write. You can't assume everyone's like you and are dating around. In the OP's case, the misunderstanding between her and the guy is the fact that she thought they were both on the same pages, " exclusively" seeing each other even though they weren't in a relationship. Clearly there's a difference. The OP was heading down the road towards an exclusive if they continue to date whereas the guy still stumbled between seeing her and other people. The OP had a right to be mad, if not confrontational and accusing him of " cheating" ( applied in this case to be dating other people). You cannot, and the OP was right to bring it up. That is not the problem. The problem is in *the way* she brought it up--getting mad at him. It was horrible and likely scared a great guy away. Again, the guy has a right to date around before deciding to become exclusive with someone. I'd say in this case he was smart to do so, especially given the OP's big red flag of divorcing only a year ago. Nexus--a month or so?
xpaperxcutx Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Okay I am confused? How am I being turned into some needy, desperate, lonely woman here? I simply asked for an opinion on if I was wrong, and after reading some of the posts I realize that Yes, I should have gone about things differently. I didn't go all fatal attraction, killing bunnies and whatnot, I just simply told him that if he wants to date other women, that him and I can't see each other.. plain and simple. I didn't demand he take down the profile either. I understand that he's not gonna jump on the first woman that comes along, and the fact I was married and am now divorced shouldn't make any difference in who or how I choose to date. I have no problem if he wants to date others, just not with me. If I am working on something with someone, I put my effort into the one person, I couldn't handle juggling around different guys until I choose which one I want. It's not fair to either me or them. JMO The underlined is what I got from your first post. I suppose it's becuase you use the word " livid" that others started assuming you went berserk on the guy for multi-dating. You had a right to tell him your conditions and he had the right to take them or leave them. Again nothing wrong with it, and you've absolutely done nothing wrong.
GorillaTheater Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Okay I am confused? How am I being turned into some needy, desperate, lonely woman here? I simply asked for an opinion on if I was wrong, and after reading some of the posts I realize that Yes, I should have gone about things differently. I didn't go all fatal attraction, killing bunnies and whatnot, I just simply told him that if he wants to date other women, that him and I can't see each other.. plain and simple. I didn't demand he take down the profile either. I understand that he's not gonna jump on the first woman that comes along, and the fact I was married and am now divorced shouldn't make any difference in who or how I choose to date. I have no problem if he wants to date others, just not with me. If I am working on something with someone, I put my effort into the one person, I couldn't handle juggling around different guys until I choose which one I want. It's not fair to either me or them. JMO You're fine, nothing wrong with your outlook at all. If I was single, my approach to dating would likely be the same. What I see here is miscommunication, perhaps lack of communication, regarding expectations. Learn from the experience and move on. Good luck!
Imajerk17 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 (edited) Okay I am confused? How am I being turned into some needy, desperate, lonely woman here? I simply asked for an opinion on if I was wrong, and after reading some of the posts I realize that Yes, I should have gone about things differently. I didn't go all fatal attraction, killing bunnies and whatnot, I just simply told him that if he wants to date other women, that him and I can't see each other.. plain and simple. I didn't demand he take down the profile either. I understand that he's not gonna jump on the first woman that comes along, and the fact I was married and am now divorced shouldn't make any difference in who or how I choose to date. I have no problem if he wants to date others, just not with me. If I am working on something with someone, I put my effort into the one person, I couldn't handle juggling around different guys until I choose which one I want. It's not fair to either me or them. JMO You stated your position. He did the smart thing IMO. As he was not ready to commit to you yet--and why should he be ready, he stopped seeing you. I'd be concerned about the red flags too. What you need to realize though, is that a guy will become exclusive with a woman only when he feels inspired to do so. Edited February 10, 2011 by Imajerk17
Imajerk17 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 You cannot, and the OP was right to bring it up. That is not the problem. The problem is in *the way* she brought it up--getting mad at him. It was horrible and likely scared a great guy away. Again, the guy has a right to date around before deciding to become exclusive with someone. I'd say in this case he was smart to do so, especially given the OP's big red flag of divorcing only a year ago. Nexus--a month or so? Even if she didn't get mad at the guy, expecting him to commit to seeing her or not at all, is going to lead to the guy saying not at all. You ladies need to get that you don't get guys by trying to "lock them down".
xpaperxcutx Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I still don't like it. For exactly the reasons I mentioned. People who are new to internet dating are going to be surprised and will feel cheated. Experienced internet daters will have to assume the worst. It's skewed in my opinion. I don't see why one shouldn't be upfront about this, either in the dating profile or on the first date. (better even in the dating profile) Agreed again. Although I'm a advocator for multi-dating, sometimes I question the extent others try to " cover up" their tracks. It's nothing to be ashamed of, otherwise you'll just be a hypocrite. If you're going to do something, at least be upfront about things. If I get asked who else I'm seeing, I wouldn't hesitate. To assume is one thing. To be honest, upfront, and clear about expectations as early on as possible is another. The latter, for all it's worth, is slightly more formidible than unintentionally stringing someone along.
Author MissTiff1124 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 Ditto and exactly what I want to write. You can't assume everyone's like you and are dating around. In the OP's case, the misunderstanding between her and the guy is the fact that she thought they were both on the same pages, " exclusively" seeing each other even though they weren't in a relationship. Clearly there's a difference. The OP was heading down the road towards an exclusive if they continue to date whereas the guy still stumbled between seeing her and other people. The OP had a right to be mad, if not confrontational and accusing him of " cheating" ( applied in this case to be dating other people). I wouldn't really say I "assumed" anything. I was under the impression that since we'd been talking for months before ever even meeting, that we were on the same page.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Even if she didn't get mad at the guy, expecting him to commit to seeing her or not at all, is going to lead to the guy saying not at all. You ladies need to get that you don't get guys by trying to "lock them down". In the OP's case, she wasn't trying to " lock him down". She was trying to make him understand that he should treat her with the same respect that she's giving him. If she wanted to tie him down, I would imagine the OP would have actually been " controlling".
Imajerk17 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Agreed again. Although I'm a advocator for multi-dating, sometimes I question the extent others try to " cover up" their tracks. It's nothing to be ashamed of, otherwise you'll just be a hypocrite. If you're going to do something, at least be upfront about things. If I get asked who else I'm seeing, I wouldn't hesitate. To assume is one thing. To be honest, upfront, and clear about expectations as early on as possible is another. The latter, for all it's worth, is slightly more formidible than unintentionally stringing someone along. "If I get asked who I am seeing..." That's the key. If someone actually comes out and asks. I betcha that the first time she "asked" the guy if he was seeing someone else was when she laid down her ultimatum. And of course the guy made the decision he did. Since when do these types of ultimatums work.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I wouldn't really say I "assumed" anything. I was under the impression that since we'd been talking for months before ever even meeting, that we were on the same page. If I can think of another word in place of assumption I would write it. In any case, the both of you just weren't compatible in this front, and that's just perfectly fine. It just means he really isn't right for you.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 "If I get asked who I am seeing..." That's the key. If someone actually comes out and asks. I betcha that the first time she "asked" the guy if he was seeing someone else was when she laid down her ultimatum. And of course the guy made the decision he did. Since when do these types of ultimatums work. Alright, you got me on that. As for ultimatum, it's not an ultimatum when she's asserting. I doubt the OP's too heartbroken, she lived and learned that's all that counts.
Nexus One Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 (edited) Nexus--a month or so? If a girl would pull that on me with that time frame, then I'm so out of her life. Putting in that kind of effort only to find out after a whole month that you're one of multiple "contestants". Don't get me wrong, I see no issue with multi-dating if the person is honest about it from the start. But I would want transparency from the start about such things for the reasons I mentioned. If I was ignorant about any of this, and I was until I joined LS, then the following might as well apply: I don't like to get tricked into things. And if the person that tricked me says: "Well that's your own fault, you should have assumed the worst", they'll never see me again. F*ck that attitude. I'm not going to spend my days with such people only to wait for the next time I get tricked and they give the same damn argument to justify it. No thanks. I still don't see why multi-daters shouldn't be upfront about it from the start. Why be silent about the fact you're multi-dating? Edited February 10, 2011 by Nexus One
Imajerk17 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 If a girl would pull that on me with that time frame, then I'm so out of her life. Putting in that kind of effort only to find out after a whole month that you're one of multiple "contestants". Don't get me wrong, I see no issue with multi-dating if the person is honest about it from the start. But I would want transparency from the start about such things for the reasons I mentioned. If I was ignorant about any of this, and I was until I joined LS, then the following might as well apply: I don't like to get tricked into things. And if the person that tricked me says: "Well that's your own fault, you should have assumed the worst", they'll never see me again. F*ck that attitude. I'm not going to spend my days with such people only to wait for the next time I get tricked and they give the same damn argument to justify it. No thanks. You bring up the exclusive talk when it feels natural to do so. And when you do it, don't lay down ultimatums or get mad at the person for going on other dates before that. Keep it *positive*.
Author MissTiff1124 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 "If I get asked who I am seeing..." That's the key. If someone actually comes out and asks. I betcha that the first time she "asked" the guy if he was seeing someone else was when she laid down her ultimatum. And of course the guy made the decision he did. Since when do these types of ultimatums work. Since when do you know exactly what took place? I didn't give him any type of ultimatum. I saw with my own eyes the comments of the other woman saying what a great time they had.. if you thought that someone you were seeing, being intimate with, etc was only doing that with you, anyone..MEN TOO would be hurt, upset whatever. I asked him that night "are you seeing other people" he said yes, I told him then I cant continue seeing you.. end of story. No accusation, no confrontation, just flat out asked a question.
Nexus One Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 You bring up the exclusive talk when it feels natural to do so. And when you do it, don't lay down ultimatums or get mad at the person for going on other dates before that. Keep it *positive*. Except my point is why a multi-dater shouldn't mention to the people they're dating that they are in fact multi-dating. Why keep people in the dark about that?
Imajerk17 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Alright, you got me on that. As for ultimatum, it's not an ultimatum when she's asserting. I doubt the OP's too heartbroken, she lived and learned that's all that counts. Well, but it was an ultimatum. She insisted that he see only her or that they don't see each other anymore. And she did it in a way that wasn't positive and that wasn't attractive. And as he wasn't ready to commit to seeing only her--understandably so IMO, he decided not to stop seeing her. She got someone who might have been great for her had she handled things a little differently, to run.
Imajerk17 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Since when do you know exactly what took place? I didn't give him any type of ultimatum. I saw with my own eyes the comments of the other woman saying what a great time they had.. if you thought that someone you were seeing, being intimate with, etc was only doing that with you, anyone..MEN TOO would be hurt, upset whatever. I asked him that night "are you seeing other people" he said yes, I told him then I cant continue seeing you.. end of story. No accusation, no confrontation, just flat out asked a question. My point exactly. You laid down an ultimatum--"see only me, or don't see me at all". And he made his decision. C'est la vie.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Well, but it was an ultimatum. She insisted that he see only her or that they don't see each other anymore. And she did it in a way that wasn't positive and that wasn't attractive. And as he wasn't ready to commit to seeing only her--understandably so IMO, he decided not to stop seeing her. She got someone who might have been great for her had she handled things a little differently, to run. You really need to read the OPs posts. You're assuming she made an ultimatum when she did nothing of the sort. Since when do you know exactly what took place? I didn't give him any type of ultimatum. I saw with my own eyes the comments of the other woman saying what a great time they had.. if you thought that someone you were seeing, being intimate with, etc was only doing that with you, anyone..MEN TOO would be hurt, upset whatever. I asked him that night "are you seeing other people" he said yes, I told him then I cant continue seeing you.. end of story. No accusation, no confrontation, just flat out asked a question.
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